O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[supramax]

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do

They told Beethoven he could never write music because he was deaf


But did he listen?



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[Lou1se]

Aussie Prank - Scottish reporter covering a story about the deadly Australian drop bear.

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


‘So People Could Be Listening To This
Conversation Right Now?’ Asks Joe
Rogan Trying To Understand Edward
Snowden’s Explanation Of Surveillance

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be
Thrown Away Straight From Package



CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins,
Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced
napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package
and immediately thrown into the trash.

“With this new innovation, we’ve cut out all the extra steps between procuring a
napkin and then crumpling it up and discarding it,” said the company’s director of
marketing, Chase Henderson, explaining that the ready-soiled paper goods
completely eliminate the need to first spill something and then wipe it up.

“For our initial rollout, the napkins will come partially saturated in your choice of
chili, ranch dressing, or spaghetti sauce. Down the road, we’re hoping to introduce
napkins that are already wadded up into a big, messy clump, so customers can
simply place the entire 200-count package in the garbage all at once.”

Henderson added that the company was also developing a new paper plate that
comes pre-stained with a triangle of pizza grease.





ZZ Top Reveals Meaning Behind Classic
Song ‘Legs’



HOUSTON—More than three decades after the song was a chart-topping smash
and became an instant classic-rock staple, ZZ Top finally revealed to fans
Tuesday the meaning behind its iconic hit “Legs.”

“People have been coming up with all these crazy interpretations for 30 years, so
we’ve finally decided to just come out and say that the song’s about a woman’s sexy
legs and how much they make us want her sexually,” said lead vocalist Billy Gibbons,
acknowledging that spelling out the meaning of “Legs” might take away from
its longstanding mystique.

“If the song means something else to you, that’s still cool, but there were lots of
people who wanted to know what we were driving at.”

Gibbons went on to say, however, that most of ZZ Top’s songs, such as the
anti-apartheid anthem “Tush,” were pretty straightforward.







Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race
After Falling In Love With Small-Town
Iowa Life



ALGONA, IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning,
Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was dropping out of the 2020
rat race after falling in love with small-town Iowa life.

“I’ve spent my whole life worrying about my career, chasing the next big position,
but after spending all this time in Iowa, I’ve realized it’s community and family that
count,” said Booker, who revealed he’s taken a position at the local auto parts store,
bought a cute little ranch house, and started volunteering at a nursing home.

“The air is fresher, the people are nicer, and everyone knows your name. I’ve
found peace here. I was working my ass off every day, and for what? To be president
of the United States? To pass some immigration plan? That stuff doesn’t matter.
I just want a quiet garden and people who love me.”

Booker added that while girlfriend Rosario Dawson was thinking about moving in,
she was more interested in a place with a little more hustle and bustle like
Fort Dodge.

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

Uranus is just asking for Uranus jokes

[Lou1se]

In a city park stood two naked statues, one female and the other male.

These two statues had faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said,.. “Since
the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to
many people,.. I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift
of life,.. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran
toward some nearby woods and disappeared behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling,
bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,.. “You
still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it
again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon
down and I’ll $hit on its head”..

[shaneinga]

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade class. She explained to them that humans were the only animals that stuttered.

A little girl in class raised her hand and said, I had a cat that stuttered.

The teacher, knowing how cute these stories can be, asked her to tell her about the incident.

Well, she began, I was in the backyard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next store got a running start and before we knew it he was in the backyard with us.

The teacher said, that must have been really scary.

It was, the little girl said.

My kitty raised his back, went FFFFF, FFFFF, FFFFFF.... And before he could say fawk, the rottweiler ate him.

[Lou1se]

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?” The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no
other matter. There is a queue behind you.” She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent. But she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me
withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She
nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in
your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment
and come again tomorrow?"

The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?” The teller told her, “Any amount up
to $300,000” The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully. The old lady kept $500 in her bag
and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

[Lou1se]

A wise man once told his son:

My boy, when you
accumulate the
understanding to know
why a pizza is made
round, to be put in a
square box & is eaten in
triangles,
then and only
then will you be able
to understand women.

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Icy Road Conditions Lead To Multi-Deer
Pileup On Highway

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To
Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War


A 16-month truce between the lobsters and cows was shattered this week when bovines
ruthlessly stomped rival crustaceans at Crescent Beach State Park.

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of
bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a
charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast
of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.

According to reports, the shoreline at Crescent Beach State Park was littered with crushed
claws and carapaces, the deadliest hit yet in a week of intensifying conflict between
lobsters and cows. The fragile 16-month truce between the rivals is said to have been
shattered Sunday when a lone mother cow wandered into lobster territory at low tide
and, after a tense exchange of shouted insults, lost her left front hoof in a pincer attack.


“We merely seek to defend ourselves
against those who would scuttle onto
our territory and steal the land right out
from under our hooves.”


“I heard this awful pop, pop, pop sound of shells cracking under hooves and
immediately called the cops,” said longtime Maine resident Anna Newman, who
on Monday heard loud, taunting moos outside her beach house and witnessed
the indiscriminate stampeding of lobsters as she crouched low and peered out
from behind a curtain. “Bad blood between the cows and the shellfish goes back
a long way, of course, but I’ve never seen it get this vicious before.”

“Yesterday, a steer drove his horn straight through a soft-shell crab that was
just minding his own business, and the day before that, a whole pod of angry
lobsters pinched a cow’s udder off right in front of her calves,” she continued.
“It’s a nightmare.”

High-ranking bovine lieutenants are believed to have ordered Monday’s deadly
trampling after the carcass of a young heifer from a prominent cow family
washed up on the shore near Kettle Cove, her hide branded with a pair of
crossed pincers and the phrase “sea life.” This insignia is known to be used by
affiliates of the Atlantic Lobster and King Crab crews, who were themselves
reportedly retaliating against the cows after an incident last week in which a
ferocious bull gored to death an entire school of great northern prawns.

With the killing Thursday of a dozen Wellfleet oysters in a disputed tide pool,
reports confirmed the current surf ’n’ turf war has become the deadliest since
the 1980s, when hostilities between lobsters and cows were so common that no
creature could cross through a pasture or estuary without fear of being brutally
fileted or shelled.

Participants on both sides of the present conflict suggested the widespread
killings would get worse before they got better.

“We merely seek to defend ourselves against those who would scuttle onto our
territory and steal the land right out from under our hooves,” said cow boss
Gertie, who decried the crustacean’s atrocities, citing the alleged abduction of a
Holstein steer who had a strip steak snipped out of his still-living body by a
King Crab enforcer. “The only way we can succeed is for the Herefords and
Longhorns to extend their dominion over the ocean and root out our enemies
where they live. Every lobster must die—whether they are killed in battle or
after a period of confinement in a crowded supermarket aquarium.”

“The bays and inlets will run red with bisque,” she added.

Independent sources confirmed lobster have subjected cows to an excruciating
practice known as “brining,” in which captive bovines are forced to drink
seawater until they die of dehydration. At the same time, reports have suggested
cows indoctrinate their young into a violent lifestyle before they are even
weaned, forcing calves to prove their mettle by stealing lobster traps and
placing them in the sun, where, after baking in agony for a day or more, their
occupants eventually suffocate.

“For too long we have been relegated to second-class status alongside these
disgusting slabs of fat and gristle—even our humble bivalve brethren know they
are superior to cows,” said lobster patriarch Klktelek, who wears a string of
cowbells around his neck, each one reportedly taken from a cow he has killed
slowly, pinch by pinch. “Cows poison the planet with their $hit and eat
everything in their path. We will roast them on spits right there in their own
meadows and fields, hanging their severed heads on every wall from ocean to
prairie.”

Klktelek added, “Soon it will only be surf, no turf.”





Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’
On A Doobie Wave



BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an
outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources confirmed, currently groovin’ on a
doobie wave, feeling the vibes, and tripping out on a psychedelic reefer wave.

“Sure, I’ll have some,” said the mama bear flower girl, accepting a long, mellow
toke from a radical doob that, brother, will reportedly take this little moon child
one step closer to the cosmic ashram on the day-glo astral plane.

“Thanks.”

At press time, time had lost all meaning, man, ya dig, and sources were reporting
that this spaced-out chick was most definitely groovin’ and cruisin’ on a
righteous trip to a land without bummers.






Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-
Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling
Heavy Objects In Public Spaces



LAS VEGAS—Explaining how constantly throwing bar stools strengthens several
different muscle groups, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor credited his
excellent pre-fight shape Saturday to a rigorous workout routine of hurling
heavy objects in public spaces.

“I’ve never been one for the gym—I need to be out there overturning tables and
tossing them across the bar,” said the former welterweight champion, revealing that
he trained for his main event bout against Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone by adhering
to a strict regimen of ripping parking meters out of the ground and using them to
pelt fleeing taxis.

“I like to stay loose by getting into a scrum at the pub every week. Throwing hundreds
of beer bottles is just good cardio.

“When I’m ready for strength training, I’ll knock over some mailboxes and chuck
them into the park. Lifting cinder blocks above my head to smash in the windshield
of my girlfriend’s car is great, too.”

At press time, McGregor hurled a scale into an audience of reporters and broke one
bystander’s jaw after weighing in two pounds over his ideal weight.

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

When I think about books, I
touch my shelf.



~;~



Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

The only reason why I took up exercising is so
that I could hear heavy breathing again.

[Lou1se]

If two meth heads start a relationship
is that considered speed dating or
just mething around?





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DR DOG: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You'd better sit down. Now lie
down. Now beg. Beg for the bad news.

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Increasingly Unwell Harvey Weinstein
Arrives To Court As Jar Of Ashes

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Parents Impressed By How Big Baby
Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of
CrossFit




CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Marveling at the clear results they’ve seen since his
September 2018 birth, parents Stephen Larrimore and Allison Zeitz told
reporters Monday they were impressed by how big their baby, Payton, had
gotten after just 16 months of the CrossFit strength and conditioning program.

“I remember when he was only 6 pounds, 9 ounces, and now he’s shot up to 50
pounds of hard, lean muscle—I can barely even recognize him,” said first-time
mother Zeitz, contrasting the days when her newborn child “couldn’t even
support the weight of his own head” with his current daily regimen of shuttle-
running across his nursery while dragging a pair of tractor tires behind him.

“It’s crazy. One day he’s crawling around on the floor, and the next he’s box-
jumping onto the fridge.

“I remember when he was just a chubby, cuddly little guy, and now he’s absolutely
shredded. Everyone tells you they get swole so fast, but I guess I had to see it
for myself to believe it. Now, all we have to do is find a preschool with a good
body-sculpting program.”

At press time, a teary-eyed Zeitz was reportedly sending her husband a video
of Payton saying the word “creatine” for the first time.






Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some
Way To Pay His Doctor For All The
Hard Work He Did



TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going
unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there
was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work.

“Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method
of exchange, preferably one that would put me in debt far beyond my usual
retirement age, I could engage in to display my appreciation,” said Munley, who
confessed to feeling as if he were stealing from his internist outright, especially
since the clinician required multiple rounds of appointments and testing in
order to achieve a diagnosis and devise a treatment plan.

“My doctor, like so many, is a dedicated professional who works extremely hard,
yet I am unable to give him a single dollar, let alone nearly bankrupt my
family in order to pay for his services. It hardly seems civilized.”

Several personal checks that Munley tried to send his to doctor’s practice have
reportedly been returned along with legal notices reprimanding him for
attempted payment.






Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus
By Making It Illegal To Mention Within
A Week



BEIJING—In an effort to assuage concerns about how his government has
handled the deadly disease outbreak, Chinese president Xi Jinping held a press
conference Monday to announce plans to combat the coronavirus by making it
illegal to mention within the next week.

“We are directing massive resources towards eradicating the slightest hint of any
person speaking about the virus, and I promise you that any conversation or
literature pertaining to the virus will be completely eliminated during the next
seven days,” said Xi, warning that if immediate action was not taken, it could
be too late to stop the spread of information.

“We have already seen far too many senseless deaths as a result of this outbreak,
so I vow here and now that those official death toll numbers will remain unchanged.”

Xi closed his remarks by urging anyone who believed they were suffering from
the outbreak or knew someone who was to come forward so they could be
executed.

[Lou1se]

Al and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Los Alamitos,
California. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Al said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too.. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Al wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO
hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Al says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Al says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Montreal.'

[Lou1se]

I love my job as an anaesthetist. Just as my patient is about to go under, I
love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your
vasectomy will be over shortly!


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[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Chiefs Finally Overcome Curse Of Not
Being Good For A Very Long Time

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Controversy As Pierre C. Shadeaux Comes
Clean As “Legally Registered Blind”



NEW IBERIA, LA – Today marks the traditional Groundhog Day across the U.S., in which
millions of people decide to ignore our advances in billion-dollar early weather detection
systems, and take a glorified rat’s winter-weather prediction as gospel. A tradition that
somehow continues to thrive and that many look forward to each year.

However controversy surrounded today’s gathering, as Louisiana’s resident nutria rat Pierre
C. Shadeaux came clean by announcing that he is actually registered as legally blind.

Shadeaux claimed this morning that “he never saw his shadow” meaning an early Spring is
in order for the area. However just an hour later, Pierre marred the event with huge
confession that he said he has been hiding for the past ten years.

Speaking exclusively to The Daily Crawfish, Pierre explained that a combination of pressure
and money spurred him on to deceive the local public.

“It’s been real tough”, Pierre confessed, “I can’t begin to explain how terrible I feel for not
coming clean about all of this earlier. My eyesight has never been great, and around 2009 it
began to deteriorate pretty badly. By 2010 I couldn’t see much at all, and became legally
registered as blind.”

“It was just something that spiraled way out of control. People are serious about this
superstitious crap, and it was just something that I felt that I couldn’t give up easily.”

And he also explained that dollar signs also had an influence.

“Truth be told, it’s also a super easy gig”, he said, “They pay to stand there and pretend
that I did or didn’t see my shadow. And let me tell you, they pay well. Real well. Anyone
would be stupid to turn down maximum cash for minimal work, regardless of whether they
could see or not. But I guess the guilt caught up with me.”

Pierre also outlined his plans for the future.

“Obviously I’m not going to get my contract renewed so it’s time to pass the reigns on to
someone else. Honestly, I just kind of want to lie low. I’m going to keep claiming my
disability and just live life at a slower pace. Maybe build a nice garden with a wooden swing
chair. Nice flower bed. Couple of hummingbird feeders. Compost bins. You know, all that
jazz.”

And has he learned his lesson?

“Thankfully nobody has decided to press charges against me for fraud or anything, but I’ve
definitely learned my lesson, yes. I’m super embarrassed and I can only apologize to the
public.”







Victorious Patrick Mahomes Thanks
Bears For Drafting Mitchell Trubisky

‘Thank God, Because I Would Not Be Here Today If Had Been
Selected By Chicago,’ Says Super Bowl Champ



MIAMI—Crediting general manager Ryan Pace for playing an instrumental role
in advancing his career, Super Bowl champion Patrick Mahomes thanked the
Chicago Bears Sunday for selecting Mitchell Trubisky instead of him in the 2017
NFL Draft.

“I would’ve never had this opportunity to compete for a championship if I had ended up
on the Bears,” said Mahomes during a post-game interview, expressing his gratitude to
the Chicago franchise for sparing him from years of mediocrity and career frustration.

“There were some tense moments on draft day when it looked like I might be headed to
Chicago, but luckily God had other plans for me. Instead of lifting this trophy, I could
be languishing at the bottom of the NFC North and running for my life after every snap
behind a terrible offensive line.

“I’m so glad I get to throw to Tyreek (Hill) and Sammy (Watkins) my whole career instead
of whoever the hell is on the Bears.”

Mahomes added that he only hopes all the current Bears players get as lucky as he did.







Boeing Scrambling After New CEO
Catches Fire During First Press
Conference



CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing
minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly, Boeing
officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave
Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference.

“I assure you, Mr. Calhoun is one of the safest board members in Boeing’s history and
has never caught fire prior to today,” said Boeing spokesperson Karen Flynn, adding that
Mr. Calhoun had undergone rigorous testing before being promoted to CEO, leaving
the company stunned when he suddenly paused his speech, sent out an SOS
signal, and burst into flames.

“While we are devastated by the news, the reality of having executives is that there is
always a risk that one will lose control, fly off the stage, and crash into the audience
at high velocity.

“To the hundreds who died, or suffered severe injuries today, we sincerely apologize.”

At press time, investigators found that Mr. Calhoun had failed to pay Boeing for
additional safety protections that could have prevented him from exploding into
millions of small, unidentifiable pieces.

[mtpockets]