O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Mark1T]

That's deeks.

[Samraiwise]

The King-Emperor of Japan

I've heard you yourself got Our Beautiful Modess squish that roach.

well done sir.

magician.jpg

[Samraiwise]

kill the bugs.jpg

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters

[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His
Life



MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that
have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told
reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

“I try to slow down and really savor snacks these days,” said Kearns, attributing his
growing fulfillment to the maturity that comes from a lifetime of having snacks.

“Sure, I’m not having snacks as much as I did back in my twenties, but I’m much more
comfortable mixing things up now. I’ve been open to being more experimental, and
that has led to my enjoyment of some unbelievably hot snacks. And I’ve been having
snacks all over the place: the kitchen, in the car—heck, last week I even had
snacks in the tub. It’s been incredible.”

Kearns added that, though he no longer rushes his way through snacks like he did in
his youth, he does still tend to fall asleep immediately afterward.





‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon
Desperately Searching For Own Name On List
Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors



LOS ANGELES—Saying “No, no, no” to himself as he worked his way down the
page, a desperate Matt Damon reportedly spent Thursday fervently searching
for his name on IMDB user Dolphinsoul60’s list, “Top 100 Actors.”

“Jason Bateman...Chris Evans…Gene Hackman? C’mon, c’mon, Dolphinsoul60. Where is
your boy?” said the Hollywood leading man to himself, pausing only to take a look at
number 54 on the list, but slamming his fist after seeing it was “Matt Dillon” and
not “Matt Damon.”

“Harry Dean Stanton is on here? Jesus Christ. I get it if I’m not in the top 10, but you’d
think I’d at least be top 100. Have they even seen Good Will Hunting? Maybe I
just missed it. I’ll scroll back up.”

At press time, Damon had perked up after spotting his picture on a different list,
having not yet noticed it was Dolphinsoul60’s “Top 25 Most Overrated Actors.”





Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were
Killed By Someone They Trusted



BERKELEY, CA—Citing compelling fossil evidence that the prehistoric species
died suddenly and treacherously, paleontologists at the University of
California, Berkeley announced Monday that dinosaurs were almost certainly
killed by someone they trusted.

“Our findings indicate that someone, we don’t know who, spent at least 150 million years
gaining the confidence of dinosaurs before abruptly betraying them and taking their
lives near the end of the Cretaceous Era,” said lead researcher Professor Janet Bower, adding
that dinosaurs likely had an innately innocent and unsuspecting nature that this
individual could exploit to get within easy striking distance.

“The distribution and condition of dinosaur bones strongly suggests that these creatures
died without a struggle and that they had been caught totally off-guard by an individual
they naively considered a friend. Those that had time to regard their killer were no
doubt absolutely shocked.”

Bower went on to suggest that if the mightiest creatures to walk the face of the earth
could be wiped out by letting someone get close to them, humanity could too.

[ntr997u]

If so, here's the first one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I fired my secretary!

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife for you - maybe the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Lizzy, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; hey - someone remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Lizzy knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday, lalalaalaaah.............

And there I sat...on the couch waiting...naked as the day I was born..........

This joke is not funny at all. What a crap thread.

[Mark1T]

[grouchyjarhead]

Dad joke that is currently the favorite of my sons:

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is in fact hereditary.

It's because it runs in your jeans.

[supramax]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

I remember when I was
in a lesbian relationship once,
nah not with a woman, he
just acted like a little b!tch



~;~

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

I text my mate the other day asking him who his favorite composer is.
Surprisingly, he didn't text Bach.

[Lou1se]

Socializing with geologists is so predictable.
It's always gin and tectonics.

[Lou1se]

[supramax]

Just like the internet.

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

/\ hahaha love it!



I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing me down.

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it.



~;~



Girl - I've noticed that if you're scared of
spiders they always turn up in
your bedroom.

Boy - Well using that logic...
I'm scared of girls with big boobs

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Entire Meal Prep For Week Eaten By Tuesday

[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Mom Calling To Ask If She Can Throw Away -
Ring Binder From Middle School



RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it
without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she
could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

“Hi honey, I just wanted to check in and see if I can throw out this binder I found when
I was cleaning out your closet, the one with the dark blue cover and your name
written in marker on the back,” said your mom, describing the plastic organizer
containing seventh-grade science and math notes that had sat unused in a cardboard
box for over 20 years.

“It has a lot of papers in it, so I figured you might still want it. Just let me know
and I can send it to you.”

At press time, despite having your consent to dispose of the binder, your mother said
she’d just hold onto it so you could decide what to do with it next time you visit.





New Obesity Drug Delicious



CHICAGO—Following the FDA’s approval of the prescription obesity
medication Pryvexa earlier this week, users of the recently released weight
management pill have confirmed that it is absolutely delicious.

“They’re so good, I’ve been eating them like nonstop,” said Roland Holmes, 46, one
of the thousands of overweight users who reported being able to pop full bottles
of the phentermine-based pill every day.

“I try to cut myself off, but they’re just too tasty. I like to mix them in with my
milkshakes or with a handful of my diabetes medication.”

In the wake of the drug’s immediate popularity, the FDA has reportedly been forced
to announce an individual limit of six bottles of Pryvexa per day.





Economists Recommend Setting Aside Part Of
Every Paycheck In Case Of Dire Straits
Reunion Tour



WASHINGTON—Describing the precaution as a financially prudent decision for
all households, a panel of the nation’s top economists recommended
Wednesday that Americans set aside money from each paycheck so they will be
ready in the event Dire Straits reunites for a tour.

“We suggest placing a small percentage of your earnings into a separate account to ensure
you have adequate savings should Dire Straits unexpectedly announce a string of
North American concert dates to promote a new greatest-hits double album,” said Princeton
University economics professor Julia Bridges, adding that at any moment, an unforeseen
reconciliation between singer-guitarist Mark Knopfler and bassist John Illsley could
precipitate a reunion that would leave millions scrambling to cover the cost
of presale tickets.

“While this year saw the 30th anniversary of Brothers In Arms pass by uneventfully, that
still doesn’t rule out the possibility of the band’s first tour since 1992 suddenly
hitting arenas in major cities across the United States.

Sadly, many Americans would struggle to afford decent seats if Dire Straits played a show in
their town today, let alone purchase basic merchandise such as commemorative reunion
hats and T-shirts. This would leave them at risk of missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to
experience the classic ‘Sultans Of Swing’ guitar solo up close and in person.”

Bridges advised that, at the very least, Americans keep a small pool of emergency reserves
on hand should Cheap Trick or REO Speedwagon come to their local fairgrounds.

[mtpockets]

I am in love with my recliner, we go way back

[Lou1se]

Yesterday Ozzie Mums enjoyed a special Mother's Day. It was lovely to be
remembered and pampered. The day was perfect, with glorious
sunshine and laughter.

My daughter(25) had also tagged me in a Mother's Day meme...




Daughter - Lou this is you









Me - Oh Hush Child !




And then she proceeded to torment her mother with another...

[Lou1se]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

A police station in New Zealand received this question from a resident through the feedback section of a local Police website:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

In response, a Sergeant posted this reply:

First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In the rural area we average one cop for every 505 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops are on general duty where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per cent of general duties are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 6000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third of a second to drink an iced coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass.

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with no licences and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

LAWS: When we don't have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "statutes". These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that’s not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in the area, give me the old "single finger wave". That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our favourites.


~;~


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[mtpockets]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Woman Mentally Rearranging Rankings Of
Children While Opening Mother’s Day Gifts

[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Woman Walking Alone At Night Picks Up Pace
After Spotting Truck Full Of Alabama
Lawmakers Slowly Following Her



MONTGOMERY, AL—Quickening her pace as the vehicle flashed its brights,
Alabama woman Alison Kyles, 29, reportedly hurried towards home Thursday
after spotting a pickup truck full of Alabama lawmakers slowly following her.

“At first, I thought I was just being paranoid when I saw that old Chevy full of
state legislators creeping along behind me a few blocks back, but then they
turned down the same alleyway as me and I started to panic,” said Kyles, who
glanced over her shoulder in visible distress as she heard Senator Clyde
Chambliss repeatedly revving the truck’s engine.

“They’re clearly riled up after a day of legislating and are just out to cause some
trouble. Oh, God, I think that’s Del Marsh leaning out of the passenger
window and trying to holler something at me. Christ, I’m just going to keep
my head down and hope all of them pass me by.”

At press time, Kyles had broken into a full-on sprint after realizing in horror
that she had accidentally turned onto the street directly in front of the
Alabama State House.






Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To
Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout



ANNANDALE, VA—Saying it was just “common courtesy” to sanitize them for
whoever exercised next, local man Nick Dukas told reporters Thursday that he
always makes sure to wipe down his personal trainer after working out.

“I sweat all over, so it would be pretty rude of me not to at least clean the fitness
instructor up before hitting the locker room,” said Dukas as he wiped the
surface of the muscular, over-six-foot-tall exercise consultant with a disposable
disinfecting cloth, explaining how gross it was to start a workout session when
your fitness guru was all smelly and covered in germs.

“Not only is it important to prevent the spread of bacteria and infections, but also,
disinfecting his hands and feet only takes two seconds. I remember using a
guy named Daniel once after somebody forgot to clean him, and I got the
nastiest rash.”

At press time, Dukas added that after wiping down his personal trainer, he
always makes sure to put him back in the correct spot on the rack.






Good-Looking One Not Working Today



BROOKLYN, NY—To the great chagrin of sources at local coffee shop From the
Ground Up, the Good-Looking One is not working today, and there is no
evidence to suggest she will show up before the morning is over.

"Oh man, where is she?" coffee shop regular Glen Partridge said to himself,
scanning the room for the Good-Looking One but finding only the Bad-Mood
One, the Gay One, the Fat One With Red Hair Who Always Wears It In Braids,
and others. "I deliberately sat in her section and even wore that brown sweater
that makes me look thinner."

"Now I'm stuck with what's-her-face," added Partridge, referring to the
Really Annoying One Who Blinks A Lot When She Talks.

The Good-Looking One, whom sources describe as really good-looking, with a
pleasant complexion, a great body, and long brunette hair, usually works the
morning shift, but was nowhere to be found at 10 a.m today, causing
speculation as to her whereabouts.

"I don't get it, she's always here on Mondays," customer Eric Son said. "I
wonder if she had to take time off for some reason, or if she got sick or
something, or what."

"I hope she's okay," Son added.

Fellow coffee shop patron Justin Burke was also disappointed by the Good-
Looking One's absence, and admitted that he initially mistook the One With
The Slightly Off Face for the Good-Looking One, but quickly realized his error
once she turned around.

"I'd like to ask one of the other employees why she's not here, but I don't want
to come off as weird or anything," Burke said. "Maybe I'll just stick around a
little bit longer. She could just be running late, I guess."

Other patrons explained that any inquiries into her whereabouts have so far
been stalled by the fact that nobody knows her name, and no one wants to
admit concern over her absence by describing her too accurately.

"I'm not sure what I'd even say," said one man, who wished to remain
anonymous for fear his comments might get back to the Good-Looking One. "I
can't just walk up to the counter and go, 'Hey, where's that really cute waitress
with the tank top that always shows off her chest?' I'd look like a total
sleazeball."

As if to echo these remarks, Creepy Older Dude Who Always Tries To Talk To
The Good-Looking One came in, stood in the corner looking around for several
moments, and then exited the establishment.

Management, so far, has remained tight-lipped about the current location of
the Good-Looking One.

"Today's specials are mocha latte, hot chocolate with whipped cream, and
Brazilian roast," said From the Ground Up owner Brenda Lake.

At press time, sources said that, to make matters worse, the Slightly Less
Good-Looking One, who used to be the Good-Looking One until the current
Good-Looking One was hired last May, was not working today either.