O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[grouchyjarhead]

A man wakes up and walks into the kitchen where his wife is making breakfast.

She suddenly turns to him and says "Make love to me right now!"

Almost giddy at his unbelievable good luck, the man makes love to his wife right then and there.

Wordlessly she turns back to making breakfast, her shirt still around her neck.

Breathing heavily, the husband asks "What was that all about?"

The wife just shrugged and said "The egg timer is broken."

[Lou1se]

Happy Valentine's Day!



It's good to see romance ain't dead in England.

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS

Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice
Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station

[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




‘Fly, My Pretties,’ Says Jeff Bezos Releasing
Swarm Of Amazon Drones To Hunt Down
Nude Photos



MEDINA, WA—Standing on the roof of his towering estate as the tiny
machines buzzed all around him, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set loose
hundreds of Prime Air drones Friday to hunt down and retrieve the nude
photos of him obtained by the National Enquirer.

“Take your army and bring them back to me!” cackled Bezos, who is said to have thrown
his arms into the air as the sky darkened and the motorized swarm tore across the land, tearing
phones from people’s hands, destroying computers, and clawing out the eyes of anyone
who may have seen the intimate “below the belt” images.

“Grant no quarter to those who have gazed upon my hallowed member. Now, fly! Fly!”

At press time, sources confirmed the drones had dumped the nude photos of several
hundred thousand Americans on the CEO’s balcony.





Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To
Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life



MARS—Journeying thousands of lightyears to honor their fallen peer,
spacecraft traveled from all over the Milky Way to attend a ceremony
celebrating the late Opportunity rover’s life, sources close to the deceased
reported Wednesday.

“We came as soon as we received the gamma-ray transmission informing us of
Opportunity’s demise,” said Zorunder X, a sentient interstellar ship from Kepler-442b,
who reportedly joined the hyper-ion motorcade of his fellow AIs, unmanned
shuttlecraft, and alien-machine hybrids traveling to Mars to mourn the loss of
NASA’s longest-serving planetary rover.

“It’s always a bit of a trek to get here, but we knew we had to come to the Red Planet
and pay our respects. While we sometimes had our differences, at the end of the
day, Opportunity and I always respected each other’s missions.

“It’s a sad occasion, of course, but it’s nice to see so many friends gathering
together to say goodbye.”

Reports confirmed the service concluded with a touching eulogy from Apollo 11 astronaut
Buzz Aldrin, who tossed the first ceremonial handful of red dust onto the rover’s grave
before it was lowered into the ground.





Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives
British 30 Days To Vacate Europe



BRUSSELS—Saying they were tired of getting jerked around by some “has-
been pseudo-monarchy,” fed-up European Union officials rejected the United
Kingdom Tuesday and gave the British people 30 days to vacate Europe.

“Listen, we’re so goddamn sick of this nonsense—grab your stuff and get the
hell out,” said European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker, adding
that the U.K.’s 66 million inhabitants could “go kick rocks” for all he cared,
but they couldn’t do it in Europe.

“Seriously, we gave you bastards over two years to make a decision and you
came up with jack $hit—so guess what? Now we’re making the decision for
you. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Later, a$sholes.”

At press time, Britain had reportedly begun contacting former colonies in
search of a place to crash.

[supramax]

a man wakes up and walks into the kitchen where his wife is making breakfast.

She suddenly turns to him and says "make love to me right now!"

almost giddy at his unbelievable good luck, the man makes love to his wife right then and there.

Wordlessly she turns back to making breakfast, her shirt still around her neck.

Breathing heavily, the husband asks "what was that all about?"

the wife just shrugged and said "the egg timer is broken."

lol!

[Zjunky]

Do you know why President Trump doesn't read novels?

...

...

...

He can't get past Chapter 11.

[mtpockets]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

[supramax]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

Look hoos back!!


‘You know when you’re just so cooked you start rolling around on the grass?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Well look at Jordan over there.’

[Lou1se]

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."



~;~



[Valentine’s Day at Amazon headquarters]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer

Alexa: Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer.



~;~



Old Cemeteries

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries ...



Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York : Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. =============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the good die young. =============================

In a London, England, cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann.Dec. 8, 1767 =============================

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. ===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising. ===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.==============================

In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. ================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune. ==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go. ==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God. ==================================

In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

[Samraiwise]

Security Video doesn't work here. Because everybody wears mask and it's legal.



Even police officers are wearing masks!



And it's true. I had more than a few co-workers whose true face I'd never seen because they were always wearing masks.



Now they think it's cute, but I can't help but wonder what it's really like under the mask. Is it possible they get marry without knowing each other's real face!? What!? Gee, you have never seen the face of your wife without makeup, and you are saying that you live in the U.S.



Now I'm beginning to really worry about my country and our future.

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.



~;~



If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and
no one hears it, you should probably get
rid of the chainsaw... Just in case

[Lou1se]

.
.
.
.
.

[Mark1T]

549-999-MORE

A text would work.

[Lou1se]

549-999-MORE

A text would work.

Sounds like you're offering


--

[Lou1se]

Boring day today


Oh yahhh, there's more!

[Lou1se]

The inventor of the jigsaw puzzle died today.

His wife is said to be in 1500 pieces.



~;~



Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?

He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.



~;~



What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

One takes things literally, the other takes things, literally.



~;~



Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS

Nike Fires 8-Year-Old Shoemaker
Responsible For Zion Williamson Injury

[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of
Morning Murders



CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight
snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will
likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind
schedule, public authorities announced.

“As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice
roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,”
Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard,
which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times.

“Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope
to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to
postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they
will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon.”

At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the
city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s South Side.





Dog Can’t Believe Owner Left On Fcuking
MSNBC To Keep It Company While She At
Work



OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be
forced to sit through for the next several hours, local dog Tuffy reportedly
couldn’t believe his owner had left the television tuned to fcuking MSNBC
Thursday to keep him company while she was working.

“Jesus Christ, how does she expect me to watch this inane garbage all day?” said the 3-year-
old labrador retriever mix, whining and burrowing his head into a pile of clothes under his
owner’s bed in an effort to drown out the noise of Hallie Jackson interviewing Adam Schiff.

“I have extremely sensitive ears, so I’m forced to listen to every last DNC talking point
getting spoon-fed to me by these dumbasses. They’re so sanctimonious, I can’t handle it for
much longer.

“I swear to God, if she’s not home before Chris Matthews comes on the air, I’m $hitting all
over the rug. I don’t understand how this doesn’t count as animal abuse.”

At press time, Tuffy had reportedly knocked over his owner’s computer in a desperate
attempt to get some ideological diversity by listening to Jordan B. Peterson’s podcast.




Incredibly Kind: This Coroner Says That
Everyone’s Cause Of Death is ‘Having Sex’



Sometimes, it can take just the smallest act of kindness to restore your faith in
humanity. Lance Messinger, the chief coroner for Kane County, IL, practices
those small acts of kindness on a daily basis: Lance writes “Having sex” as the
cause of death on every death certificate he fills out, no matter how that
person actually died. Inspiring!

As a coroner, Lance sees people who have died in ways that are either embarrassing, tragic,
or pretty boring, so he uses his powers as county coroner as a force for good by altering
the undignified, unexciting cause of death to “Having incredible sex” or “Fcuking
too hard.”

Lance says that this is just his way of giving back to his community:

“One time, I had to fill out the death certificate of a high school student who had tragically
died in a car accident,” he says. “When I told his parents that he had died from porking up a
storm with the hottest girl around, his grief-stricken parents broke down in tears and
started high-fiving each other. I knew that I had made a difference.”

Incredible. Just take a look at some of the death certificates Lance Messinger has filled out
recently. We guarantee that they’re the most uplifting and inspiring things you’ll see today:









Wow. Maybe one day we’ll live in a world where everyone’s official cause of death is having sex
so good it ruins our minds and rips our souls out of our bodies. Until then, it’s good to know
there are people like Lance Messinger working hard to make a difference!

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

'Oi Nathan.'
'What Jordan?'
'Fuk you've put on weight.'
'Oh wow cheers bro.'
'You look like that fat Korean c*nt.'
'Kim Jong Un?
'Every time you get hooted now ima call you Kim Jong Hoot.'
'Fuk you're a dumb c*nt.'

[Samraiwise]

Star Trek: Voyager (TV Series)
Scientific Method (1997) Season 4 Ep 7:

Chakotay: You smell something strange?

Neelix: I... I'm... I'm afraid that's me. I seem to be developing Mylean sweat glands. Sorry.

Chakotay: It's not so bad.

Neelix: Well, whatever happens, I... I try to keep in mind that things could be worse.

[grunts heavily as he tries to lift himself onto a biobed]

Neelix: I still have my home here on Voyager, my friends.

Chakotay: Your hair.

Neelix: True. But I'd gladly lose it if I could have my taste buds back.

Chakotay: At least you're not losing your eyesight. See that display over there? It's nothing but a blur.

Neelix: You think that's bad? The Doctor tells me my pupils have dilated 60 percent. I-I can't even look at that display, it's so bright!

Chakotay: Yeah? Well, I've got chronic arthritis in my fingers. I can barely keep this glass steady.

Neelix: Well, that's nothing. My spinal column is fusing together. In a matter of days, I won't be able to walk.

Chakotay: Got you beat! I can barely walk now.

[Lou1se]

Some people won't admit their faults. I
would, If I had any.



~;~



Did you hear about the depressed plumber?
He's been going through some sh!t.



~;~



SIX LITTLE STORIES-

{1}
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain.
On the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That's FAITH.


{2}
When you throw babies in the air,
they laugh because they know you will catch them.

That's TRUST.


{3}
Every night we go to bed
without any assurance of being alive the next morning,
but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE.


{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow
in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE.


{5}
We see the world suffering,
but still we get married and have children.

That's LOVE.


{6}
On an old man's shirt was written a sentence
'I am not 80 years old;
I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.'

That's ATTITUDE.

[Lou1se]