O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

**Baldsnake** · 08-05-2006, 04:56 AM

I just saw it last night on the Corvette Forum. Shame on me.

**Mark1T** · 08-05-2006, 08:01 AM

Originally Posted by Dallas68

um above poster this was already mentioned over here...

That's ok. BaldSnake is bigger than me

**joed** · 08-10-2006, 03:59 PM

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Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

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If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.

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If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."

**GREENFEATHER** · 08-12-2006, 10:33 AM

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

**Chipman** · 08-12-2006, 11:05 AM

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave...........

Dave............

Dave............

You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

**NashvilleBound** · 08-16-2006, 07:24 PM

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

**GimpyPaw** · 08-17-2006, 08:43 AM

Originally Posted by Chipman

You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

Ouch! That had me laughing a good one

**Dallas68** · 08-17-2006, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by Baldsnake

I just saw it last night on the Corvette Forum. Shame on me.

i forgive you

**mom24boys** · 08-18-2006, 02:29 PM

Got this in an email this morning...

Most of you have read the scary mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone
else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?

Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned
myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I know it was the same gang because they took pains to match
my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my
rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but fascinated as
the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly
and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on
the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs... And I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!!!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them in my waistband.

**=M=** · 08-18-2006, 03:14 PM

Where do you find these? That one had me cracking up!

**Mark1T** · 08-18-2006, 04:00 PM

That is why I love this Over 35 section. We help each other out, and we can also laugh.

401 posts!!

**mom24boys** · 08-18-2006, 05:52 PM

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

**joed** · 08-19-2006, 12:41 PM

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

**Mark1T** · 08-21-2006, 06:10 PM

* This is not a gay joke. One of the characters just happens to be gay, k?

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She agonized long and hard about it, but when nobody else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing well. Then one day, the widow said "You've done a really good job...the ranch looks great...you deserve a night on the town to kick up your heels."

The hired hand agreed with alacrity and took up the offer on Saturday night.

One o'clock came and he hadn't returned. Two o'clock, and still no sign of him. He finally returned around two-thirty, and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her:

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots..." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." With trembling hands he did as he was told, and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly eased them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired. "

**Sockomalo** · 08-21-2006, 07:43 PM

A guy walks into his living room carrying a white sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I make love to when you're not around."

His wife is sitting there and says, "That's a sheep, not a pig, you dumb ass."

He responds, "I wasn't talking to you."

**Mark1T** · 08-23-2006, 07:36 AM

This is pretty cool. Just click the link below to try it out. Ignore all
the Russian on the site. Just type your name in the text box and click to
see what your name is in Russian

http://www.callme.nm.ru/

**QUALITYGUY1** · 08-23-2006, 12:52 PM

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER�

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed�freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jeweler chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor caf�
12:45 Catch sight of partner�s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk�says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed� freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM�

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast�steak and eggs, coffee and toast�all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch�steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot showing their growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)�on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over showing her growler, naturally)
6:45 ****, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news�Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner�lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cuban cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blowjob
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

**joed** · 08-23-2006, 09:07 PM

Hey ah, guy1, your post above is crude and not funny. I know you're new here but you have to be civil and mature in this forum.

**GimpyPaw** · 08-23-2006, 11:54 PM

Oh come on, I laughed at it so much I almost woke the kids up. Delete all the "growler" stuff and it's at least as clean as the 11: o'clock news

**dominic- estos** · 08-24-2006, 04:09 AM

AN ATOMIC BOMB HAS BEEN DROPPED ON IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN KILLING MILLIONS OF MUSLIMS AND TERRORISTS........................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ........................... carlsberg dont do news flashes ... but if they did they'd probably be the best news flashes in the world!!!

**dominic- estos** · 08-24-2006, 04:12 AM

the devestation of the recent pakistani earth quake has finally been realised. nearly 70,000 dead.....

....... both families are said to be devastated

**dominic- estos** · 08-24-2006, 04:15 AM

why have all the taliban shaved all there pubic hair.

cus they dont like bush

**Dallas68** · 08-24-2006, 04:46 AM

i thought it was funny lighten up want to be all P.C? go to the woods and hug some trees lol...

instead of beers get some protein shakes with the works

**QUALITYGUY1** · 08-24-2006, 06:02 AM

Originally Posted by joed

Hey ah, guy1, your post above is crude and not funny. I know you're new here but you have to be civil and mature in this forum.

Sorry if this offended anyone...however, I thought this was "OVER AGE 35",and I assumed it would be taken as a joke by mature people.

I don't think this is the place for "KNOCK KNOCK" jokes...is it?

Well, I could be wrong, so here you go:

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Yo momma.
Yo momma, who?
Seriously, it's yo momma, open the damned door!

J/K

**STUPID1** · 08-24-2006, 06:11 AM

Qguy1 the thing that made the man joke funny was that it is soooooooo true!

**schmedlap** · 08-24-2006, 06:36 AM

yeah the ''perfect day'' joke is funny as hell - repps

**QUALITYGUY1** · 08-24-2006, 07:21 AM

Originally Posted by STUPID1

Qguy1 the thing that made the man joke funny was that it is soooooooo true!

YES!...although, that would have to be in another life for me...I'm just your everyday working guy, 9 to 5 and wait for the weekends.

Although I do get to travel with my job...going to China soon!!!

**-D4-** · 08-24-2006, 07:35 AM

Excellent thread. Here are my current favourite jokes... hope they dont offend too much

Why did the little girl fall of the swing?
- Because she had no arms

Whats black and blue and doesnt like sex?
- The girl in the boot of my car

An old lady at the cash point asked me to check her balance the other day, so I pushed the old girl over

**domineaux** · 08-24-2006, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by QUALITYGUY1

YES!...although, that would have to be in another life for me...I'm just your everyday working guy, 9 to 5 and wait for the weekends.

Although I do get to travel with my job...going to China soon!!!

QualityGuy1 definitely needs to change his nickname to something ike growler1, trashmouthedtroll1, etc.

Stupid1 is well named.

A lot of younger aged persons are on these boards. We big guys are supposed to know all the secrets to BB. They do look to us for answers frequently, and definitely lurk this board. Overall, they could probably care less about old people's dumb jokes.

Sure, we can all read that kind of tripe all over the web, but most of us spend our time doing better things.... I hope.

I've been on these boards a while and I can honestly say most of the people on these boards do have morals and display good conduct in everything they write.

**Dallas68** · 08-24-2006, 09:41 AM

just let it go every human has these thoughts one day or another so chill folks

Thread: O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

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Stolen body parts.

another funny for ya -M-

Ranch Hand

Your Russian Name

Perfect Day

News Flash!!!!

another news flash!!!

taliban

The kind of posts that Trolls use to get attention

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