O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[lukamar]

My daughter fell on the stairs and crushed a vertebra (T12 )in her spine. She isn't paralyzed. So much to be thankful for... today.

Hope all is well with your daughter and she recovers swiftly.

[NewRelease55]

I went fishing with a good friend of mine this weekend and he couldn't stop complementing me on my casting and finally he said "You are the master caster". Well I wanted to return the compliment so I looked over to him as he was putting on his next worm and said "Yes, but you my friend are a master baiter"...

[domineaux]

What's that about getting stronger?

http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages...you-think.html

[Chipman]

It's rated ARRrrgh....

Chipman slaps knee and says, " Sometimes I kill me"

[Mark1T]

My daughter fell on the stairs and crushed a vertebra (T12) in her spine. She isn't paralyzed. So much to be thankful for... today.

domineaux,

Very sorry to hear about your daughter. Will pray for her and your family.

Best

[domineaux]

domineaux,

Very sorry to hear about your daughter. Will pray for her and your family.

Best

Thanks for all your concerns.

A broken back is serious business. She has 2 titanium rods running parallel on each side of her spine affixed to brackets 2 vertebrae above and below the actual break.

The doctor indicated the end result of surgery was to have those vertebrae "Fuse" that are between the uppper and lower brackets connected via the 2 titanium rods.

Her prognosis is very good and she has no nerve damage. She will just have to learn to move a little differently to accomplish things involving her back.

My family is grateful for all the prayers and concerns of friends and well wishers.

[Crookshanks]

I don't have time to read the whole thread, so please forgive me if this has already been posted.




A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Colorado boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.

He says, "In America we have so many illegal Aliens that we don't
have to drink with the same ones twice."

[Crookshanks]

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications

such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and
Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my

favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but

the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!


Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

___________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is
just a Utilities and Entertainment pro gram. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"
to
alleviate software augmentation.



The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system
will return to normal anyway.


Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as

Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.



However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use
will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens,
the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,

Tech Support

[NashvilleBound]

^^^^^nice!!!^^^^^^^^^^^

[mom24boys]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook
myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world
peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out
of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good
but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done.

Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and
fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is
good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all
the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a SIGH and said, "Let me see the freaking map
again."

[joed]

This one is not as good as mom's, but maybe closer to real life:

A drunk wanders onto a website, looks around for a minute, & interrupts an ongoing conversation between some serious weightlifters & others who are lurking. One of them tells him they were talking privately among themselves when he interrupted. Drunk says "Hey man do I know you? Am I missin' somethin'? Wasn't I here before or somewhere?" Dumbfounded they all stare at his post & then laugh.

Undeterred he goes on "Yeah like I was (burp) sayin' I'm older'en alla ya & been around, that's fer sure. Started pumpin' the iron again around last year, mebbe the year before, can't remember right now. Probly last year, yeah, last year fer sure. Anyway, in the last four (hiccup) months I made some real good gains. Yessireeee. I need a drink, anyone wanna buy me a drink? So like I was sayin' these past four months have been real good to me. Lost 40 pounds, went from WAY above (burp) 30% fat to WAY below 20%. Yep, so help me it's true. Iron has gone way up too. Extra hunnert on them deads, doubled the benches to five hunnert, & tripled the squats. That's sumpin' ain't it. Right you are boys, right you are. Clean (hiccup) livin', that's where it comes from, clean livin'."

Some of the younger guys who were lurking reply to the post asking for specifics, but by this time the drunk has fallen asleep at the keyboard.

What's so funny about this, you may ask.

Some of the readers believed the drunk's post.

[Chipman]

The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

13. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief
that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck
there.
14. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn
by Jewish men.

[Sockomalo]

If Quizzes are "Quizzical", then what are tests?



lol i always had a good time asking this question to my teachers in front of the class

[crankgooroo]

Did you hear Lorena Bobbett died in a car accident?..........Some dick cut her off..

[GREENFEATHER]

Well, it's ****... that's right, ****!

**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get ****-faced, Be ****-out-of-luck, Or have **** for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your **** together, find a place for
your ****, or be asked to **** or get off the pot.
You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget
**** and tell others to eat ****.
Some people know their ****, while others can't tell the difference between
**** and shineola.
There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, and crazy ****s. There is bull ****,
horse ****, and chicken ****.
You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****, or duck when the
**** hits the fan.
You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in ****.
Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****,and some
days are just plain ****ty...
Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are
times when you feel like ****.
You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong
**** or a lot of weird ****. You can carry ****, have a mountain of ****, or find yourself up ****
creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in
a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.
And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know
anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a ****; or not do so if you
don't give a ****. Well ****, it's time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that I do give a **** and hope you had a nice
day,without a bunch of ****.
But, if you happened to catch a load of **** from some
****-head..........

[GREENFEATHER]

Not really a joke, but I didn't want to start another thread for this


A Marine was attending a college course (here in USA) between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting."

It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch, knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down.

The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot. So He sent me.

[Mark1T]

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot. So He sent me.

Hoorah. Not a joke, but perfectly appropriate

[domineaux]

Not really a joke, but I didn't want to start another thread for this
The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot. So He sent me.

I can really visualize that. It's pure fact, there are all kinds of idiots enjoying the liberty we have. Idiots, who don't deserve the kind of support our country provides to protect their ability to act like idiots.

The greatest liberty known in all history. The greatest liberty that even extends so far as to allow malcontents to desecrate our flag, dishonor our nation and walk around freely spewing their poison.

Everytime I see a malcontent desecrate the flag I'm reminded of just how free we actually are, and what great costs (in patriots' lives) have been paid to preserve such freedoms.

I'm all choked up, guess I'll have to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

[GREENFEATHER]

You guys have no idea how hard it is seeing the anti-war crowd in DC I use every last bit of restraint to not pull my MP-5 out and hose the ass holes with a hail of 9mm rounds. They just don't get it!! Without us, they don't exist!!

[domineaux]

You guys have no idea how hard it is seeing the anti-war crowd in DC I use every last bit of restraint to not pull my MP-5 out and hose the ass holes with a hail of 9mm rounds. They just don't get it!! Without us, they don't exist!!

Friggin' twits aint worth the lead... sure aint worth getting excited about.

[GREENFEATHER]

Friggin' twits aint worth the lead... sure aint worth getting excited about.

Yea, but a mag or 10 of my Israeli rubber bullets would havem steppin' and fetchin' like their heads was on fire and their asses was catchin'!!

[ChocoChick]

Friggin' twits aint worth the lead... sure aint worth getting excited about.

I'm not so sure about that.

[domineaux]

Yea, but a mag or 10 of my Israeli rubber bullets would havem steppin' and fetchin' like their heads was on fire and their asses was catchin'!!

I heard that steppin' and fetchin' bit before...somewhere.

Greenfeather, you've just got a little mean streak in you.

[GREENFEATHER]

I heard that steppin' and fetchin' bit before...somewhere.

Greenfeather, you've just got a little mean streak in you.

Charlie Daniels... Uneasy Rider No mean streak here bro, it's my country too. If they can do that then I should be able to teach them a lesson in manners.

[domineaux]

Foul!

[lukamar]

Was researching small pools when I came across this small, but portable, one. Thought it may give a lower cost alternative to those in a hot climate.

[1stindoor]

Was researching small pools when I came across this small, but portable, one. Thought it may give a lower cost alternative to those in a hot climate.

so...that was you looking through my backyard! Thank god momma was done with her bath by then.

[samori]

Not sure if it is true, but funny anyway:: (first try at uploading pictures)

The Kane County, Illinois, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case, what they ordered was not quite what they got.
This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company before he retired

[NashvilleBound]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[domineaux]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Yeah, that's funny alright...

If you think that proves you're smarter than her, you need to think again.

http://trump.uselessjunk.org/videos/smackfest2005.wmv