O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Lou1se]

The difference between men talking and women talking -

Two women talking:

Woman 1: "Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!"

Woman 2: "Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I Mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?"

Woman 1: "No, it's perfect. I would love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think!"

Woman 2: "Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck."

Woman 1: "Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine."

Woman 2: "Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier."



...
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...



Now, two men are talking:

Man 1: "Haircut?"

Man 2: "Yeah."

[Lou1se]

The following cartoons come from this book




Keep your gloves on, Fishman..

[shaneinga]

[Mark1T]

The following cartoons come from this book

Loueeze, why would a widdle wabbit want to wack itself? Wonelyness? Depwession?

[Lou1se]

Loueeze, why would a widdle wabbit want to wack itself? Wonelyness? Depwession?

Mark, me thinks it's the inventive wabbits that feel suicidal: misunderstood geniuses lol

I bought the book many moons ago for my boy

[Lou1se]

Breaking News: The lrish government have announced that as of next week, all cars in lreland will now drive on the right hand side of the road. lf this is a success, all buses and trucks will follow a week later.

[Lou1se]

One lazy Sunday morning, hubby and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table, when he said to me unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" I asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other as$hole using my stuff."

I looked at him intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another as$hole..

[Lou1se]

[TheMorcant]

Some one-liners:


I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!

I'm so ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness--after I was born.

I'm so ugly that when I go to a massage parlor they tell me its self-service.

I'm so ugly a hooker once told me she had a headache.

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, "No, one drag is enough."




And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches--one for each time zone!

[shaneinga]

[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



New FBI Chief Named



Barron Trump has been named the new head of the FBI, following an extensive search that spanned the entire Trump family.

President Donald Trump said Barron was uniquely qualified to take on the top law enforcement role, having been witness to dodgy dealings and fraudulent activity for the last 11 years.

“I know this guy well. We’ve met. He’s a good guy,” Mr Trump said.

The President rejected claims there was a conflict of interest. “Wrong. I’ve made it very clear to Barron that he has total independence in this role and that I’ll buy him a helicopter if he does a good job,” he said.

The appointment is now waiting final approval from Vladimir Putin.




North Korea Launches Terrifying New ‘Ultra Short Range Missile’



North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un has once again raised the stakes in the arms race, unveiling an ultra short-range missile that will kill any American standing on the launch pad.

Kim told his people that the new weapon had a launch range of up to 14 feet and would annihilate any enemies who happened to be loitering too close to the launch facility.

In a speech from an army base near Pyongyang, Kim warned America that aggression would be met with aggression. “The next bomb is not far away. Like, literally, it is just there,” he said pointing to the fired missile.

He said the next stage of development was to find a way to transport the missile launchers to within a few feet of the American coastline, potentially causing havoc to sunbathers.

[Lou1se]

Don't forget.....














PS - ................

[steffo99]

[Lou1se]

My kids are accusing me of having a "favorite child"
Which is ridiculous ....
Because I don't like either of them.

[Lou1se]

I've just been to the doctor's. I said, "Every morning I get on the computer and start downloading information about all sorts of mental illnesses and then, at night, I delete it all and start again the next morning. It's become an addiction."

The doctor asked, "Do you have any history of mental illness?"

I said, "No, I deleted it last night."

[TheMorcant]

What is Irish and only comes out in the summer time?

Spoiler!

Patty O' Furniture

[Lou1se]

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[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -

#The Onion
#Clickhole



Hundreds Of Miniature Sean Hannitys Burst From Roger Ailes’ Corpse



PALM BEACH, FL—Clawing over each other and gasping for air as they emerged, hundreds of miniature Sean Hannitys reportedly burst from Roger Ailes’ corpse Thursday shortly after the former Fox News CEO’s death.

“At first, one little hand broke through his skin, and then dozens and dozens of Sean Hannitys just erupted out of Roger’s chest cavity,” said one witness, adding that the cacophony caused by the two-inch-tall, mucus-covered Hannitys screeching right-wing talking points drowned out every other sound in the room.

“They were suddenly everywhere, shrieking about the war on Christmas, paid protesters, and coddled, crybaby liberals on college campuses. One of the nasty little things even scampered up the wall and started gnawing on the doorframe. And, my Lord, they just smelled so foul.”

At press time, the miniature Sean Hannitys were ravenously devouring Ailes’ corpse.




Sorry, Feminists, But If Discrimination Against Men Doesn’t Exist, Then How Come Eagles Keep Grabbing Me By My Penis And Pulling Me Into The Sky?



One of the most maddening arguments that I’ve seen from feminists and social justice warriors is that there’s no such thing as discrimination against men.These hashtag activists make insane assertions that men are not the victims of sexism, and use all sorts of faulty rhetoric to try to prove their ludicrous claims. I’m sorry, feminists, but I’m simply not buying it. If discrimination against men doesn’t exist, then how come eagles keep grabbing me by my penis and pulling me into the sky?

It’s a simple matter of examining the evidence. Any SJW claiming that “reverse sexism” is a myth is ignoring the fact that every single time I walk outside, a shrieking eagle swoops out of the sky, clutches my penis in its talons, and flies away with me into the clouds as my cries for help grow fainter and fainter over the horizon. This is a struggle that I have to endure several times every single day, and it’s a direct result of my gender.

Now, before the feminists fire up their outrage machine and start tearing me apart on Twitter, let me just ask you this: When a woman walks outside, does she ever have to fill her pockets with stones in a futile attempt to make herself too heavy for an eagle to lift her by the penis up into the sky? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Yet when my pocket stones are too heavy for just one eagle to lift me, a second eagle often comes to help it, and the two eagles latch onto my penis together and fly with my flailing body into the woods. It often takes weeks for me to hitchhike my way back home.

Last time I checked, the hack feminist bloggers making $90,000 a year to complain about diversity in Marvel movies have never had to worry about when the next time an eagle is going to grab their penis, pull them kicking and screaming up their own chimney, and carry them through the sky to the roof of a distant parking garage. Please, though, go right ahead and lecture me about my so-called “male privilege.” I’ll be sitting here with undivided attention.

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of SJWs insisting that sexism against men doesn’t exist while constantly ignoring the gender-based discrimination that eagles subject me to on a daily basis. Yesterday, I was driving to work when an eagle reached its legs through my sunroof, grabbed my penis in its claws, and pulled me into the sky through the roof of my car. Women’s rights militants always so conveniently overlook this, but my car then careened off the road and burst into flames while the eagle carried me to a nearby cathedral and swung me by my penis into the church bells in order to play Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.”

This would never have happened to me if I didn’t have a penis. Yet every time I point this out to feminists, or mention that after years of eagle attacks, my threadbare, talon-frayed genitals feel like they’re turning to dust, these SJWs dismiss my complaints as “male tears” and refuse to pay any attention to the concrete, empirical truths that I’m placing right in front of them. But the fact of the matter remains: Every eagle that dangles me upside down in the sky by my genitals is a living reminder that discrimination against men is a real and enduring problem, and no amount of Tumblr posts claiming that such reverse sexism doesn’t exist is going to make it disappear.

Mic. Dropped.

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

Breaking news..

Mr Whippy was found dead today with a Hershey's bar up his ass, chocolate sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his balls. Police think he topped himself..

[Lou1se]

An oldie but goodie, worth a re-post..


A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[Lou1se]

More Bunny Suicides -

[Lou1se]

The Bear Facts has released the following verbatim evidence of what really happened in the Bear household ...


(It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.) "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells -"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this."

"It was Momma Bear who got up first."It was Momma Bear who woke everybody else in the house up."

"It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee."

"It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away."

"It was Momma Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper."

"It was Momma Bear who set the table."

"It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace Momma Bear with your presence, ... listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time.

"I haven't made the *@!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!!"

[Lou1se]

Bought a stick deodorant today instructions said remove cap and push up bottom, I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells fcuking awesome.

[Lou1se]

Ok now for a True Story..

The following is a photo showing birthday gifts my daughter put together for her university flat mate who was turning 20.

You will see a box of painkillers, a CD Period Mix.. as there is nothing more romantic than a mix of songs about being on your period, right?? Some chocolate and a sweet note which reads - Dear Emily, Happy 20th!! I thought I'd take our marriage to the next level! From Michelle x






The list of songs on the mix...



A sample I picked at random -

[Lou1se]

Dave comes home from work early one day.
He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her bottom stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more.
Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly. Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the ass as hard as he can.
"What the fuk was that for?!" she screams at him.
"That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies.

[Lou1se]

A little early as I'm off! Have a good day and an enjoyable weekend lovely people


THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -

#TheDailyMash



Cat not sure where rumor about him getting fed elsewhere comes from



A CAT has rejected claims that he gets fed in more than one household.

Cat Roy Hobbs said he is unsure why people frequently make remarks about him getting fed in multiple locations.

Hobbs said: “It’s just an annoying bull$hit thing that people say and it gets on my cat tits.

“The truth is that it’s not that easy to get total strangers to feed you on a daily basis, God knows I’ve tried.

“When I go in someone’s garden they generally either ignore me or tell me to fcuk off.

“They certainly don’t come running out with a plate of salmon.”

He added: “I’m not even fat. The bit around my middle is just loose skin that allows my body to articulate itself in an agile manner.”




It wasn’t worth it, says 103-year-old vegetarian



A MAN who extended his life span by avoiding processed meats bitterly regrets having done so, it has emerged.

103-year-old Roy Hobbs never ate sausages, bacon or black pudding apart from a one-off fried breakfast which he admits was mind-bendingly delicious.

He said: “I am over a century old, partly because I’ve exercised extreme self-control when it comes to my base desire for meat.

“Many times I’ve been tempted. One time in Birmingham train station I actually bought a burger and raised it to my salivating mouth, but never took a bite.

“Only once, while staying in a corporate hotel for work, did I succumb to a frantic bout of pleasure with a full breakfast buffet. I had fourteen sausages. Afterwards I lay on my bed for two and a half hours, sweaty but elated.”

Hobbs admitted that, despite living to an impressive age, he still thinks about meat with a sense of regret: “I am old now, and frankly it is $hit. But it’s too late to eat a steak because I have no teeth.

“If I could I would appear to my younger self as an apparition and say ‘eat burgers, and meat pies too’. But in a deep ghost-y voice so that it sounded convincing.”



Middle-aged hamster buys expensive new wheel



A MIDDLE-aged hamster has bought a top of the range wheel loaded with optional extras.

Fourteen month-old Tom Logan said the wheel, which cost $5.99, is made of carbon fibre and is precision-engineered to give optimal spin when he is really ‘going for the burn’.

He added: “I realised that I used to run about a lot when I was much younger a few weeks ago, but since then I’ve just sat in a pile of wood shavings stuffing my cheeks with sunflower seeds.

“I reckon I can get up to two, maybe three miles an hour when I go for it. My thighs are really toning up.

“I feel sorry for all those fat gerbils who just sit round all weekend. I bet they can’t even fit into the tunnels in their little run any more.”

Meanwhile, friends said the purchase of the wheel coincides with a pretty young guinea pig moving in next door.

[Lou1se]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing,and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

Just saw a lamb and a vegan drowning. So I respected the vegan's wishes who sadly perished and saved the lamb.
It will be lovely with roast potatoes, peas, and a bit of mint sauce.