My Aunt is threatening to put me in prison for wanting to bring my Mom home from her

[DustinTheHuss]

nursing home.

My Mom cries every day that she wants to go home. She's incapacitated from a stroke and heart attack, along with dementia.

The facility she stays in isn't nice. They put her in the far corner because she screams and bothers them. She screams when she gets her diaper changed and just doesn't want them to touch her. She cries all of the time and wants me to hold her hand.

The nursing home force feeds her, and she's on hospice so she's not supposed to be force fed. But I understand they don't want to patient to starve to death. It's such a horrid state that I'm getting a document, I can't remember the name of it, that states for my daughter to not allow me to be in this state. It seems like pure hell and my Mom suffers. Who wants to see that???

So I just suggested to my Uncle that we bring her home, get a part-time caregiver and let her live her last days in her home. She'll wake up and scream that she doesn't know where she is and my Dad visits every morning, but the nurses tell me that when he leaves around 2pm she cries in the afternoon for him. If she was at home she would be with him all of the time.

They are very devoted and married for 57 years. It's like that movie The Notebook where I ask my Dad to take a day off to rest and he won't do it. I guess this is back in the old days before dating apps and when people actually fell in love and are devoted to one another instead of thinking they might find someone better on Bumble.

Anyhow so my psychotic aunt who told me never to speak to her again as she would make me spend hours every weekend making photocopies of my Dad's mail and emailing those to her, then wait for her feedback, call MediCare, etc. It was a friggin nightmare as my Mom didn't pay bills or taxes for a couple fo years. I had no idea.. After 18 months I finally snapped and said my aunt can drive down and get her own copies. I also had pneumonia at the tem.

So she sends this message using her husband (my uncle, my blood relative"s text) This is my AUNT!! I visited her hometown in Germany last year and attended all of her yoga retreats! And this is how she talks to me:

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"you cannot order the facility to send her home you have no legal rights to do so. The only one who has the legal right is her DPOA - her husband! If you go ahead and do this anyway you will ruin both the lives of your parents as well as the little livelyhood they have left. You will be held responsible for the most serious elder abuse and possibly their shortened death, and you my dear, will end up in prison, and I can guarantee you that I will do what I can that you get what you deserve. To hell with your excuses and not taking pills - you are a joke."

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Here was my response to that:


I will see you in court, A. You already screwed me over from my inheritance and went behind my back and redid the trust without my knowledge had I not read my Dad’s emails. I would never, ever treat my nieces or nephews like this in a million years.

Trust me I will contest this new “trust” of yours and fight Janis tooth and nail.
Once I have the money for an attorney.

And telling Janis that I can only take money from my Dad unless it’s for food or rent? You make me sound like some homeless drug addict? I’ve NEVER asked my parents for a cent once I moved out?
Go ahead, try to put me in prison.
$250,000 is nothing and it’s certainly not worth it to divide a family. Sheesh.

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I mean the chaplain from hospice said that many people in hospice say they want to go home to live out their last days. How is that elder abuse and going to send me to prison????

[mtpockets]

It's sounds like you have enough on your plate without your aunts input.

my psychotic aunt who told me never to speak to her again

^^^^^^Problem solved, grant her that wish.

The arguing and back and forth may be giving her the attention she is looking for.


Some people just need to be told to Fuk off and then move along without them as much as possible.


Not many people would want to take care of a patient given the horrible situation your mom is in. She should come first, if you are willing to do this and it will help her in her final stages in any way.

Good on You!

This isn't meant to be cold hearted but from what I see you are probably granting her last wish. How can anyone be faulted for that if it is in her best interest?


Good Luck...

[DustinTheHuss]

It's sounds like you have enough on your plate without your aunts input.






^^^^^^Problem solved, grant her that wish.

The arguing and back and forth may be giving her the attention she is looking for.


Some people just need to be told to Fuk off and then move along without them as much as possible.


Not many people would want to take care of a patient given the horrible situation your mom is in. She should come first, if you are willing to do this and it will help her in her final stages in any way.

Good on You!

This isn't meant to be cold hearted but from what I see you are probably granting her last wish. How can anyone be faulted for that if it is in her best interest?


Good Luck...

Thanks pockets. I know. I'm meeting with the divorce attorney on Monday so that's tough enough.

How is bringing my Mom home elder abuse and would land me in prison? She would have a caretaker. No one wants to be in nursing homes. They're terrible. I visit her and hear people screaming and her roommates will yell at me.

My Dad visits her daily but when he leaves around 1pm the nurses say she cries and calls for him. At least she would be home with him 24/7???

She wants to be in her own bed and she misses her cat, who unfortunately passed away but we don't tell her that.

[OldFartTom]

I'm not going to discuss money, maybe your scheming cheating aunt will get all or more than her fair share I don't know, but I do know that doing the right thing for someone is almost never (if ever???) about anyone making money from the situation.

Do the right thing in your heart ignoring the money first and debate the money later. Someone dying without a will or disagreement over inheritance -- there's not much better than money disputes to divide family and create unforgiving bad feeling forever.

Do the right thing for her, whatever that is, forget the money at this point (as long as whatever you do doesn't tear your own family apart )

Maybe you need legal advice? (Not too much or the lawyers become the only people who gain from this). I realise that she may have impaired capacity? But if she isn't legally signed off as being without her own capacity and a court appointed someone - or a court order rules says she must live there, then it's up to your Mom.

Can you really look after her for X years? Without dividing your own family. If the answer is "Yes" then take her home, if it's a "No" then sadly you can't. Don't ask anyone or tell anyone because they'll find some way to prevent it, just go round and ask your Mom and if she wants to come take her home there and then, get someone there to help and a bunch of empty suitcases in a van so you can be quick, because the home will probably phone someone (worst case your aunt). But do the care home have legal rights to hold her there against her will, they can call the cops if they want if they want to hold her there at gunpoint but I'm not sure if that's legal where you are? Tell the care place it's only for 2 nights, then they don't start arguing about contracts and notice periods

Each time you post it sounds a bit worse, my post above might be terrible advice so maybe get legal advice first to see if there is any legal reason why they can hold her prisoner *if* she says she wants to come back. But to repeat, the right thing is not about the money, but do look after your own family

I'm just thinking out loud, treat this post with scepticism, it's easy for someone unconnected like me to shoot my mouth and say "you should do this, you should do that" but very different for you in the situation. Don't know how this is going to turn out, but I really hope it gets less bad for everyone. Good luck!

Edit: and if you do it... do it on Sunday morning when it's only the weekend cover staff there

[DustinTheHuss]

I'm not going to discuss money, maybe your scheming cheating aunt will get all or more than her fair share I don't know, but I do know that doing the right thing for someone is almost never (if ever???) about anyone making money from the situation.

Do the right thing in your heart ignoring the money first and debate the money later. Someone dying without a will or disagreement over inheritance -- there's not much better than money disputes to divide family and create unforgiving bad feeling forever.

Do the right thing for her, whatever that is, forget the money at this point (as long as whatever you do doesn't tear your own family apart )

Maybe you need legal advice? (Not too much or the lawyers become the only people who gain from this). I realise that she may have impaired capacity? But if she isn't legally signed off as being without her own capacity and a court appointed someone - or a court order rules says she must live there, then it's up to your Mom.

Can you really look after her for X years? Without dividing your own family. If the answer is "Yes" then take her home, if it's a "No" then sadly you can't. Don't ask anyone or tell anyone because they'll find some way to prevent it, just go round and ask your Mom and if she wants to come take her home there and then, get someone there to help and a bunch of empty suitcases in a van so you can be quick, because the home will probably phone someone (worst case your aunt). But do the care home have legal rights to hold her there against her will, they can call the cops if they want if they want to hold her there at gunpoint but I'm not sure if that's legal where you are? Tell the care place it's only for 2 nights, then they don't start arguing about contracts and notice periods

Each time you post it sounds a bit worse, my post above might be terrible advice so maybe get legal advice first to see if there is any legal reason why they can hold her prisoner *if* she says she wants to come back. But to repeat, the right thing is not about the money, but do look after your own family

I'm just thinking out loud, treat this post with scepticism, it's easy for someone unconnected like me to shoot my mouth and say "you should do this, you should do that" but very different for you in the situation. Don't know how this is going to turn out, but I really hope it gets less bad for everyone. Good luck!

Edit: and if you do it... do it on Sunday morning when it's only the weekend cover staff there

Yeah the aunt going behind my back and removing me as a trustee for my parents' trust was beyond pathetic. I need to fight that one with an elder care attorney. Even if she and her husband die they set it up that I wouldn't be the trustee--their attorney would appoint one! We are talking about $300,000--it's not a lot of money considering that my Mom and Dad could wipe it out with caregivers.

Apparently I don't have the power of attorney to release her to go home. My Dad does, but he only does what his brother and wife tell him to do as when my Mom was coherent she made all of the decisions and took care of the finances.

He doesn't even know how to pay a bill and won't learn.

But the problem with bringing her home to his house is he's disabled so if there's no caregiver around there he may hurt himself. He needs walker. I cannot bring her to my house as I'm in flux with a divorce and my ex wouldn't allow that. Maybe once I get my own place.

I just want to know if she could put me in prison for elder abuse if I convince my Dad to bring her home? How is that elder abuse?

I think my aunt is losing her marbles.

[OldFartTom]

Sounds horrible. Do nothing without legal advice

[DustinTheHuss]

Sounds horrible. Do nothing without legal advice

I know. Now I have nowhere to go for family holiday gatherings with people dying, incapacitated, and my aunt being like this. It's sad that money can create such rifts in families.