*Morbid topic* How do people survive the death of a child? Any direct stories?

[DesiredUserphag]

I can tell you what's worse... having a kid, spending all your time, money and sanity on he/she/it then being murdered and dismembered without any warning signs. See: Chandler Halderson and all the other ones throughout history. NOFKNTHXJEFFY

[MyLastSerenade]

I'll keep it brief, because it is a tough topic to talk about but when I sit with someone and give them details and show them that we are still here and that it is possible to go on, I know I can help others too.

Long story short my wife and son were both in the hospital at the same time. The way Baylor Dallas is setup, they were on opposite sides of the hospital. I would have to walk back and forth. Basically, my wife was 7 months pregnant. Her appendix burst, and she was in pain for a few days before they could figure out what was going on with her. We had an emergency surgery but they did tell me there was a possibility of her going into labor. Which is what happened. My son was born December 6, 2014. His name is Vasilios Nikolaos.

He remained in intensive care but he had major brain hemorrhages and the infection from my wifes sepsis that spread to him. My wife was dying too. They weren't sure if they would she would make it. I sat in the middle, trying to go back and forth to work and take care of my 1 and half year old daughter. My son lived three weeks. I held his hand, I talked to him, I sang to him and begged him for forgiveness. I'll never forget the phone call I got. The doctor told me that he was going to pass and asked me if they we wanted them to necessitate him. He also warned me that if he lived, he would probably be a vegetable his whole life, but I didn't care. I had to look at my wife in the eyes and we had to make a decision on what to do.

We said yes, and the time came. They tried to bring him back but he passed. I rolled my wife across the hospital where we were able to hold him and cry. Now, if you don't want to read about the religous part, go ahead and skip. We are Orthodox Christians, and although dealing a huge blow, we understand life and death, we understand that the flesh is fallen. We baptised him and he was taken and buried at a Christian monastery in east Texas.

So, how did we survive all of this? It wasn't easy, even with faith, we are not like the west that let feel good sayings and radical nonsense try to wash away emotions. You feel them, you go through them and you stay close to each other and to God and He does get you through. For instance, I was blessed with another son. When my wife was 8 months pregnant with him, my Father died and we buried him next to his grandson. Three days later I just took my family and went back to Greece. It is difficult, and you never stop hurting, but you do learn how to cope with the emotions. You gain strength, that other times seems just impossible.

My wife and I had two options. This could tear a relationship to pieces or make it stronger. Well, we just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary last week on the 21st. Which, coincidentally, I had an another account here back in '05 that I forgot the password, and I was writing posts about our first date. In a few days, We are taking our children to Greece, back to my roots. We are alive, my family survived. Death came for me many times, came for my family, but did not win. Adversity brought us together and tightened our bonds.

[GuineaDago585]

This thread is hitting me in the feels so sorry for anyone who has been through such pain.

I’ve been reading a ton of stories about women dying during childbirth lately too. Maybe it’s not worth it to have kids. I could never deal with that. It would be over.

[Bo_Flecks]

I have no idea how anyone endures that kind of loss. My wife works in a children's hospital and describes the things she witnesses on some nights. I have a hard time just listening to it.

At some hospitals, there’s an organization that sends a person in to counsel you after a child dies. Often times, they give you a teddy bear to take home (rather than your child).

You know your child is in a cooler waiting for the mortician to pick up the body.

You take home a teddy bear. A fu’king teddy bear. Let that sink in.

[FarmersSon]

That's really awful. I'm so sorry you guys had to go through that.

Appreciate it. It was a really rough time. There were times when it was hard, but I've always tried to maintain a positive attitude - i.e., be grateful for what I have versus sorry for what I've lost. I've had some big things not go the way I wanted, but when I look over my life, I still feel really fortunate. My parents were perfect for me. My wife is amazing, and I have a bunch of healthy kids that really love me.

Yes I think divorce is very common after death or serious illness/disability of a child because the parents each handle grief differently.

The 6 months after we lost the baby was probably the hardest stretch of our marriage. We will hit 20 years this summer, and the baby we lost would have been 9 next month, so we were around 11 years in at that point and had 3 kids. So, well past the newlywed stage. I wouldn't say I was depressed, but I was definitely less happy during that time, and she has often tended to be a bit depressed after having a baby. I wouldn't consider it severe, just a noticeable decrease in overall happiness. Losing a baby was 10x worse though. I don't recall making any big changes to deal with things. I tried to do the "good husband" stuff a little more faithfully is all. Mostly we just stuck it out and over time things got better. Never considered divorce, at least on my side. I don't think she did either.

[lightsarefallin]

I'll keep it brief, because it is a tough topic to talk about but when I sit with someone and give them details and show them that we are still here and that it is possible to go on, I know I can help others too.

Long story short my wife and son were both in the hospital at the same time. The way Baylor Dallas is setup, they were on opposite sides of the hospital. I would have to walk back and forth. Basically, my wife was 7 months pregnant. Her appendix burst, and she was in pain for a few days before they could figure out what was going on with her. We had an emergency surgery but they did tell me there was a possibility of her going into labor. Which is what happened. My son was born December 6, 2014. His name is Vasilios Nikolaos.

He remained in intensive care but he had major brain hemorrhages and the infection from my wifes sepsis that spread to him. My wife was dying too. They weren't sure if they would she would make it. I sat in the middle, trying to go back and forth to work and take care of my 1 and half year old daughter. My son lived three weeks. I held his hand, I talked to him, I sang to him and begged him for forgiveness. I'll never forget the phone call I got. The doctor told me that he was going to pass and asked me if they we wanted them to necessitate him. He also warned me that if he lived, he would probably be a vegetable his whole life, but I didn't care. I had to look at my wife in the eyes and we had to make a decision on what to do.

We said yes, and the time came. They tried to bring him back but he passed. I rolled my wife across the hospital where we were able to hold him and cry. Now, if you don't want to read about the religous part, go ahead and skip. We are Orthodox Christians, and although dealing a huge blow, we understand life and death, we understand that the flesh is fallen. We baptised him and he was taken and buried at a Christian monastery in east Texas.

So, how did we survive all of this? It wasn't easy, even with faith, we are not like the west that let feel good sayings and radical nonsense try to wash away emotions. You feel them, you go through them and you stay close to each other and to God and He does get you through. For instance, I was blessed with another son. When my wife was 8 months pregnant with him, my Father died and we buried him next to his grandson. Three days later I just took my family and went back to Greece. It is difficult, and you never stop hurting, but you do learn how to cope with the emotions. You gain strength, that other times seems just impossible.

My wife and I had two options. This could tear a relationship to pieces or make it stronger. Well, we just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary last week on the 21st. Which, coincidentally, I had an another account here back in '05 that I forgot the password, and I was writing posts about our first date. In a few days, We are taking our children to Greece, back to my roots. We are alive, my family survived. Death came for me many times, came for my family, but did not win. Adversity brought us together and tightened our bonds.

I really appreciate you typing this out, can't have been easy. Definitely a few tears on my end reading through this. Thanks a lot for sharing and I'm glad you're still together.

[koreannoodles77]

I think no one really knows how they handle death till it actually happens to them, some fall apart completely, others recover and find ways to move on

I've had a few deaths in my circle like anyone else but no immediate family members thankfully. I honestly have no idea how I would handle it.

[jamalfudge]

Sorry for anyone ITT who had to go through this, and in general. I can't even imagine. One of my wife's best friends lost hers as a premature who didn't make it that long. Right at the time she lost hers my wife became pregnant with our second. The next time we saw the friend and her husband was a year later and I felt so guilty for her being around our two young children. After that they decided not to try to have children and will do something on their late son's birthday as a rememberance/celebration.

I'm 42 and just found out recently that my dad had a stillborn baby brother that would have been 3 years younger than him. Grandparents didn't give him a name and believe he was buried on top of one of my grandmother's parents in the same grave. I'm sure the pain is the same but that was apparently how you handled this 60+ years ago, just don't talk about it.

[FarmersSon]

At some hospitals, there’s an organization that sends a person in to counsel you after a child dies. Often times, they give you a teddy bear to take home (rather than your child).

You know your child is in a cooler waiting for the mortician to pick up the body.

You take home a teddy bear. A fu’king teddy bear. Let that sink in.

I hadn't thought about the teddy bear for a long time. Reading through other's experiences reminds me of a lot of the stuff that happened to us. No counselling for us. We held him right after he was born, and they told us they would bring him back any time we wanted to hold him up until the mortician had come. Initially you could pretend everything was fine because he was warm like a healthy baby. When they brought him back from the cooler it was not the same.

They put a little rose on the door to my wife's recovery room that signified we'd lost a baby and the head nurse would chew out anyone that came in that didn't absolutely need to. They also had someone that came in right away to take pictures and do hand and foot casts on stillborn babies. Pictures were nice because the babies look good initially, but not for very long. We were originally going to bury him with the teddy bear, but ultimately decided to bury him with another little plush toy and we put the teddy bear in a display case with hand and feet casts that they made.

[katya422]

Condolences to all the miscers who have lost children.

How old is your daughter?

Almost 18. Still has a lot of childlike qualities IMO. Loves certain stuffed toys. Doesn't understand why people/government do stupid mean things. Very grounded in her way, but naive.

I made a conscious decision to not be a helicopter mom. I'm glad that she had a bit more freedom in childhood than a lot of kids seem to have now, but OTOH she was exposed to and influenced by stuff that I was unaware of.

[lightsarefallin]

I hadn't thought about the teddy bear for a long time. Reading through other's experiences reminds me of a lot of the stuff that happened to us. No counselling for us. We held him right after he was born, and they told us they would bring him back any time we wanted to hold him up until the mortician had come. Initially you could pretend everything was fine because he was warm like a healthy baby. When they brought him back from the cooler it was not the same.

They put a little rose on the door to my wife's recovery room that signified we'd lost a baby and the head nurse would chew out anyone that came in that didn't absolutely need to. They also had someone that came in right away to take pictures and do hand and foot casts on stillborn babies. Pictures were nice because the babies look good initially, but not for very long. We were originally going to bury him with the teddy bear, but ultimately decided to bury him with another little plush toy and we put the teddy bear in a display case with hand and feet casts that they made.

Man, I can't even imagine what that must have been like. There must have been absolute shock mixed in with all of the horror, grief, and disbelief in that moment, like your brain hasn't completely comprehended what's going on. I know a friend of a family member who's baby died of SIDS at 4 months. She apparently walked into her little girl's room in the morning happy to see her and she was cold and unresponsive.

[MyLastSerenade]

Also, I don't know if other hospitals do this, but Baylor has a program where they take donated wedding dresses and make clothes for the children who are lost. A year later, my wife donated hers since they helped us.

[lightsarefallin]

Also, I don't know if other hospitals do this, but Baylor has a program where they take donated wedding dresses and make clothes for the children who are lost. A year later, my wife donated hers since they helped us.

Had no idea this was a thing but it sounds like a nice program. I grew my hair out for a few years and donated my hair to the children's hospital nearby, or more specifically to this non-profit organization that made wigs out of donated hair for little kids who were undergoing cancer treatments at the children's hospital and had lost their own hair. Programs like that renew some of my faith in humanity.

[Lunatic]

Medication, support system, therapy, and keeping your mind occupied. I have a family member whose son killed himself like 10 years ago and he still isn't right. He's takes bucketloads of meds, talks about him ALL the time, tells the same stories ALL the time, goes to therapy, etc. They'll never get over it. Tons of depression.

[Samraiwise]

My colleague friend at my previous job lost his son in a motorcycle accident.

The kid had been studying at a university in Canada and came home during the summer when it happened.

My colleague's desk was next to mine so I had to face him every day until the day he quit the job.

It was hard for him of course but also for everyone else around him. All we could think was "What if it happened to my kids?"

We still exchange New Year's cards but that's all we could do because if we saw each other's face again it would only remind him of his son's sudden death.

It was almost 10 years ago and he was 21, a few years younger than my daughter. If he were still alive he would have gotten married and have his own kids by now.

Just can't imagine that kind of "What if" and don't want to ever.

[Kev1972]

It's why people had like 10 kids back in the day. Half wouldn't make it to adulthood and someone had to work the farm.


Modern humans are just spoiled with low infant mortality. It used to be extremely common, so I'm sure we're all mentally equipped to deal with it.

[infinityplus1]

My grandfather outlived all of his sons

[reed3790]

Lost my son at 9 days this past August (First Kid). Still don't have closure or undertand how / why it happened.

It's been the toughest months of my life and will forever change the way I approach things. Lots of therapy has helped me. That and just time.

People who have been through a loss like just want normalcy and for you to be their with them. Not solve anything.

[DesiredUserphag]

nothxjeff

[ErnieMccracken]

When I was in high school, I went to my girlfriends cousin's high school graduation and grad party. The next morning, her parents were taking her to the airport (on her way to do a mission in Belize for the church) and someone T-boned their van right where the girl was sitting. The parents both survived, but their daughter died at the scene before the ambulance even arrived. She was their only child.

Their family was big into church, so at least they had a lot of visitors, but I know they were suicidal for a long time. I'm sure it never totally goes away.

[Kev1972]

It's kind of amazing if you read history how few people actually lived to adulthood.

Marcus Aurelius and his cousin-wife Faustina had at least 14 children during their 30-year marriage, including two sets of twins. One son and four daughters outlived their father. Their children included:

Domitia Faustina (147–151)
Titus Aelius Antoninus (149)
Titus Aelius Aurelius (149)
Annia Aurelia Galeria Lucilla (150–182), married her father's co-ruler Lucius Verus,[140] then Tiberius Claudius Pompeianus, had issue from both marriages
Annia Galeria Aurelia Faustina (born 151), married Gnaeus Claudius Severus, had a son
Tiberius Aelius Antoninus (born 152, died before 156)
Unknown child (died before 158)
Annia Aurelia Fadilla (born 159), married Marcus Peducaeus Plautius Quintillus, had issue
Annia Cornificia Faustina Minor (born 160), married Marcus Petronius Sura Mamertinus, had a son
Titus Aurelius Fulvus Antoninus (161–165), elder twin brother of Commodus
Lucius Aurelius Commodus Antoninus (Commodus) (161–192), twin brother of Titus Aurelius Fulvus Antoninus, later emperor, married Bruttia Crispina, no issue
Marcus Annius Verus Caesar (162–169)
Hadrianus
Vibia Aurelia Sabina (170 – died before 217) married Lucius Antistius Burrus, no issue

On 30 November 147, Faustina gave birth to a girl named Domitia Faustina. She was the first of at least thirteen children (including two sets of twins) that Faustina would bear over the next twenty-three years. The next day, 1 December, Antoninus gave Marcus the tribunician power and the imperium – authority over the armies and provinces of the emperor. As tribune, he had the right to bring one measure before the senate after the four Antoninus could introduce. His tribunician powers would be renewed with Antoninus's on 10 December 147. The first mention of Domitia in Marcus's letters reveals her as a sickly infant. 'Caesar to Fronto. If the gods are willing we seem to have a hope of recovery. The diarrhea has stopped, the little attacks of fever have been driven away. But the emaciation is still extreme and there is still quite a bit of coughing'. He and Faustina, Marcus wrote, had been 'pretty occupied' with the girl's care. Domitia would die in 151.


In 149, Faustina gave birth again, to twin sons. Contemporary coinage commemorates the event, with crossed cornucopiae beneath portrait busts of the two small boys, and the legend temporum felicitas, 'the happiness of the times'. They did not survive long. Before the end of the year, another family coin was issued: it shows only a tiny girl, Domitia Faustina, and one boy baby. Then another: the girl alone. The infants were buried in the Mausoleum of Hadrian, where their epitaphs survive. They were called Titus Aurelius Antoninus and Tiberius Aelius Aurelius.[131] Marcus steadied himself: 'One man prays: 'How I may not lose my little child', but you must pray: 'How I may not be afraid to lose him'. He quoted from the Iliad what he called the "briefest and most familiar saying [...] enough to dispel sorrow and fear"

leaves,
the wind scatters some on the face of the ground;
like unto them are the children of men.

– Iliad vi.146

Another daughter was born on 7 March 150, Annia Aurelia Galeria Lucilla. At some time between 155 and 161, probably soon after 155, Marcus's mother Domitia Lucilla died. Faustina probably had another daughter in 151, but the child, Annia Galeria Aurelia Faustina, might not have been born until 153. Another son, Tiberius Aelius Antoninus, was born in 152. A coin issue celebrates fecunditati Augustae, 'to Augusta's fertility', depicting two girls and an infant. The boy did not survive long, as evidenced by coins from 156, only depicting the two girls. He might have died in 152, the same year as Marcus's sister Cornificia. By 28 March 158, when Marcus replied, another of his children was dead. Marcus thanked the temple synod, 'even though this turned out otherwise'. The child's name is unknown. In 159 and 160, Faustina gave birth to daughters: Fadilla and Cornificia, named respectively after Faustina's and Marcus's dead sisters.

[MonsieurWhite]

Can't imagine a worse pain. One of my best friends lost his wife during child birth only to lose the baby after three weeks in the NICU. He couldn't grieve his wife while the baby was still alive, but when she passed it all hit. He was inconsolable. He is still broken three years later

My heart dropped just reading this. Brutal. Not sure how a man can come out the other side.

[Deathstroke]

I am still friends with a woman who lost her 4 year old son who drown in a swimming pool she was home at the time.

If the blame is on the parent they imo deserve all they feel. At the least their conscience should be ****ed if their fault.

If my kids got into an accident or ill. That’s my greatest fear losing them in terms of sudden death. I don’t even know man

[kengriffeyjr24]

Honestly, humans can cope. It's in our nature to deal with death.

For hundreds of thousands of years the average couple lost several kids. It was normal.

Devastating yes. But humans are pretty resilient.

Also religion (srs). Why do you think religion had such a hold on everyone throughout history?

[Pterodactyl314]

Options are looking like
- deal with it because I have 2 children
- have more children
- go monk mode in the mountains
- option 3 but jump off of the mountain

My wife miscarried at 6 weeks and that killed me emotionally for a couple days but that’s about about as early as it gets. I can’t even imagine. That made me try even harder for another pregnancy but I was on edge and paranoid the entire pregnancy. It was hard to emotionally connect when you know it could happen again. I’ve been sheltered from death in general my entire life, any death is going to hit like a train.

[Maestro]

I've been feeling much more existential lately, contemplating the big questions in life, getting older, my family getting older, things happened recently in my social circle, etc. Without getting into too many personal details on my end, I was wondering if anyone had any insight about the process of losing a child? Hopefully not a direct experience but also interested in hearing about any accounts you might have of people around you who've found themselves in this horrifying situation and how they survived something of this magnitude.

Apologies for the morbid topic this morning. Just interested, and not in a morbid curiosity way. More from the angle of a human being's capacity for profound healing.

Long and short is, they don't.

They typically need medication just to feel normal, and they ultimately die of a broken heart (Takotsubo syndrome).

[kusok]

They really don’t. That stuff scars people for life and makes them worse as people. Because they were hurt, so now they hurt others. It’s called leveling. You do to others what was done to you. A couple of people I know who lost a child are arseholes, and obviously the loss had something to do with making them this way.

To get over that kind of stuff you need to embrace a much broader view of what life means to you. You’d have to let go like Job in the Bible. Good luck with that…

Back in the day, this was normal, people lost children all the time, and usually quite early, they just used to say: apple tree doesn’t keep all its apples.

Strong cope technique

[kusok]

When I was in high school, I went to my girlfriends cousin's high school graduation and grad party. The next morning, her parents were taking her to the airport (on her way to do a mission in Belize for the church) and someone T-boned their van right where the girl was sitting. The parents both survived, but their daughter died at the scene before the ambulance even arrived. She was their only child.

Their family was big into church, so at least they had a lot of visitors, but I know they were suicidal for a long time. I'm sure it never totally goes away.

Damn thon

Note to self: only large suv crew

Srs

That’s fuked up

[kusok]

Holly sheieee reading this thread so dipress!!!!

BRB locking doors, teaching my wife to shoot, and getting 100x more paranoid about protecting my child and parents. Damn… this thread sucks. Sad.

[lightsarefallin]

Thanks for sharing further ITT. Life is incredibly precious and we only truly have 1 shot at it. I try to remind myself how fleeting it all is to try and appreciate everything I have around me every single day. There's a musician who records under the name 'mount eerie' that recorded an entire record after his wife died of cancer. It's an incredibly soul-crushing record to get through. In it, he sings the following lyric which forever stuck with me, "we are all so close to not existing at all."

Tell someone close to you that you love them today.