Tell me I did the right thing bros

[mandarino]

Hopefully not a long read.

Still reeling over breaking up with the girl. We lived together.
I have been occupying my time (actually quite busy as I have my isht together) but it’s been tough none the less.

She was a hbb accountant, amazing in the home where we matched up great. Cooking, eating, gym, same cultural background, desire for family and kids.
She grew up rough - parents low income family, arguments etc moved out at 18 and made something of her life.
Work brought us to the same location so we decided to live together. All was well.

Ive tried to describe it the best of my ability.


2 big issues she had though. Family and marriage.

1) Marriage - she wanted it asap (she was 28), and I mean like asap a few months. I explained to her that id date for 2 years, but compromised on a year because we were aligned on future goals, and she was great.
Despite this, for reasons I cant pinpoint on (perhaps the family upbringing), she did not believe me. So on a weekly basis it was not a comment about marriage, but a an anxiety towards it which resulted in arguments. I tried my honest best to reassure her that I would propose to her (like genuinely I was whole heartedly in this) but she couldn’t go a weak without bringing it up.

2) Family - as mentioned above she did not have the best one. So any interaction with my own family was one of skepticism. If there was a certain behaviour or ‘rude’ comment it was passed as an insult - and this turned into a competition akin to a ‘choose me or choose them’ scenario.
She expects a man to always stand up for his wife and be by her side etc. I am on the ball with this. But she expects in blindly and doesn’t believe my explanations. This is where it began to agitate me.
I will give an example, she met my dad and on the second encounter he was talking to her a bit (still new awkward encounter as two people are still getting to know each other) and asked her about what she thinks about money and how she would spend it in the future, then he spoke a bit about real estate. I noticed the awkwardness and intervened from across the kitchen and said ‘obviously the plan is to invest in the normal wise things like real estate.
Now she took this as an insult, and as a moment where I needed to shut my father down there and then, and advise him and whoever else that she is my woman and they need to respect that.
My explanations did not satisfy her and were met on deaf ears. In my 30 years of knowing my father, I explained that he is not evil and did not mean any harm, but was just awkwardly asking if she is sensible with her money. I apologised she felt talked down to, and explained there was no ill intent there truly. She did not believe me.

I can list a bunch of similar examples.
A combination of oversensitivity and anxiety on the basis of upbringing is my impression. And that kind of a core thing in an individual was difficult to make amendments to.

Naturally issue 2 tied into issue 1 because time drifted on and so on. So we ended it after a year of living together. Got to the point of where she wouldn’t want to invite my family to a wedding (she only ever wanted super small no fuss wedding in a church - which is ironically enough amazing). Overreactions to things that didnt deserve overreactions. I do not surround myself with evil people, and as long as someone has a good heart, I can forgive if something is said or done provided its not a habit or its not crazy like drugs or murder or insulting wildly etc etc.

I tried to explain it in the best way I could as a neutral point of view.

I just cant help but think back if this could have been avoided. Could I have eased her anxiety after 6 months and proposed, could my bros wife have invited her for a coffee a few times to break the ice quicker and neutralise awkwardness, could my family coddled her a bit more when I knew this is what a personality like hers needed….

Kills me knowing that at the end I could not marry an individual like that who had a very different definition of love than mine. But at the same time I wonder if I could have altered the course and killed things before they became issues

[woadito]

You goofed big time misc bro. All women are fukked, one way or the other. You just gotta find good traits that overcome the other bad ones...

[Hypernation]

You goofed big time misc bro. All women are fukked, one way or the other. You just gotta find good traits that overcome the other bad ones...

Dunno about goofed. You gotta trust your gut, OP.

BUT he’s right: all women are fukked. Their logic centers don’t work like ours.

[mandarino]

I could tolerate a lot and I know women are funny.
But it was getting to the point of choosing one thing over the other. Why is such black and white scenario even on the table. There was no justification for me to be put into those kinds of situations. It should never be the case unless extreme circumstances.
Im being as neutral as possible here, I certainly take her view and understand. Her expectations are different. Her view are normal, but that doesnt make mine abnormal. Her lack of trust in me was what bothered me most. These situations could have been resolved so easily in my honest opinion

[CanardMedic]

Sounds like you dodged a bullet .
A woman giving ultimatum like this sounds like a control freak and will probably expect you to bend over more as time goes by.

If a woman is in need of a label ( marriage) versus working on the relationship first and actually EARNING the marriage, then that's a big NO!

[mandarino]

Sounds like you dodged a bullet .
A woman giving ultimatum like this sounds like a control freak and will probably expect you to bend over more as time goes by.

If a woman is in need of a label ( marriage) versus working on the relationship first and actually EARNING the marriage, then that's a big NO!

In her way she did earn it. I ate like a king every night. All her focus was on me always. In her mind this was enough, so why am I not returning the favour.

I have important things in my life. Before she met me she did not ( that is the reality ). And when I tried to express that there are important things in my life (and i heavily stressed that she is most important and have shown that I believe) then it always turned into a competition in some bizarre way

[CanardMedic]

In her way she did earn it. I ate like a king every night. All her focus was on me always. In her mind this was enough, so why am I not returning the favour.

I have important things in my life. Before she met me she did not ( that is the reality ). And when I tried to express that there are important things in my life (and i heavily stressed that she is most important and have shown that I believe) then it always turned into a competition in some bizarre way

after a year? that's it? you serious OP?
try more like 5 years and think again.

[Luc1fer]

after a year? that's it? you serious OP?
try more like 5 years and think again.

She's 28, not gonna wait 5 years. That would be stupid of her.

In all likelihood, she's probably dreamt of getting married before 30, so she's feeling anxious. That is kinda dumb imo, but a lot of women have this inclination.

She should be more focused on choosing the right partner, and giving it more time. So I completely see OP's perspective. Probably felt like "does she actually want me, or just a guy to marry".

[mandarino]

She's 28, not gonna wait 5 years. That would be stupid of her.

In all likelihood, she's probably dreamt of getting married before 30, so she's feeling anxious. That is kinda dumb imo, but a lot of women have this inclination.

She should be more focused on choosing the right partner, and giving it more time. So I completely see OP's perspective. Probably felt like "does she actually want me, or just a guy to marry".

I did feel that way at times. She wanted marriage when we didnt work out a few things.

In all honestly i am looking to settle down. So i didnt mind proposing after 6-12 months. But the pressure was nuts. There was no trust that i would do it. Eventually i bent over and said id do it sooner ‘in x months’ but as the deadline approached she got more anxious and rinse and repeat.

Like i said i didnt mind settling.
But the hard rules on my life were an issue. ‘When we marry we wont invite x family member to wedding’
‘You should only see your brother once a month’
( i do calisthenics outside, so when she doesnt want to join me for a walk after, i invite my bro to join just to to do things at once. Rather chill with him than walk and listen to youtube)

Chit thag has no impact on our relationship bothered her. That agitated me more than the marriage stuff.

[HockeyBacon18]

yea you did the right thing brah.

my misc psych analysis: rough upbringing (hot her fault) but lacks the ability to put trust in others to fulfill her needs so she needs to compensate by being in control.

but soon she realizes there's elements she cant control and thats why she "lashes out"

even if you married, the next step would be every time she gets a negative response from you, she thinks your divorcing her.

thats just my guess tho, could be wrong

[2011change]

You must be an INCEL OP

[skinnyfat88]

I understand the "did the good outweigh the bad" feeling you are wrestling with if you are looking for a wife/kids but it appears she is allowing the issues in her childhood to be a part of here core beliefs as an adult and they're completely toxic for you.
I'd only reconsider reconciling if she acknowledged this and went to therapy but personally I think you made the right decision and from an outsiders perspective it was a no-brainer.

[Titansfan08]

Good lord, she sounds like a nut.

Definitely dodged a bullet

[sooby]

I don't blame her for the first part. Being 28 years old, her biological clock is ticking. she really doesn't have time to wait and mess around for it not to work at all. However, it seems like she has extreme anxiety about this (probably due to her previous life experiences) and projected it on you. Seems like she wanted somebody to marry so she wouldn't be 35 and single with no kids.

She needed to understand that when it comes to parents vs wife, you can't just pick a side blindly. That's your dad regardless and he was only looking out for you. This is somewhat tricky to navigate sometimes but you have to side with what is fair and what is objectively right. Her not respecting your relationship with your parents is a huge red flag. She can't expect you to do everything but abandon your relationship with your parents and that you'll be her only relationship and one and only. you still have a duty to your parents as well.

it sounds like you did the right things. she just has attachment and trust issues along with unhealthy anxiety and ridiculous expectations. guarantee you she thinks that getting married will be the solution to all her problems so right off the bat her intentions are messed. there is no way a relationship like that ever works.

you can't fix a broken woman and nor should you play therapist for her 1001 mental issues. she's just going to drag you down with her now you'll both be miserable. her expectations were basically trying to build a house without laying the foundations first. she skipped the development of trust phase and went straight into I want to get married.

[Midi77]

You either have 50% your way, or can manipulate her to do what you want 50% of the time, and the other 50% has to be what you want to give her. If you find it's not 50/50 in the long-run, run yourself.

[goonsondeck]

damaged for sure

[MajorTendonitis]

OP, a sloot is a child in an adult body . Go to TikTok for further context .
The sooner you realize this , the better you’ll understand them . Btw ,did not read lol

Edit : Oh , and Islam is right about woman

[87dman]

There is a sense in which we never will learn the outcome that we would have had should we have chosen a different path. We can only focus on the future and the steps ahead.

That being said.....there is a proverb that leopard doesn't change his spots. So if she was laying down demands, not accepting your word, etc. these things would likely continue to resurface off and on during your relationship with the same or different issues. While a persons childhood can be overcome there is a sense in which it will always color them and their decisions (i'm on of those people). It can be worked through but takes a lot of work and not easy and both parties have to be willing to put in the work, especially the one with the past, to recognize it, deal with it, adjust (for me it's a constant working). Not to say that things couldn't have work and perhaps even some counseling. From what I have gathered it didn't seem as she was ready and willing to put in the hard work for herself. While easier said than done, I say let it go and focus on the future.

You said you have your chit together and are keeping busy, that is a good start. If you are being the best person you can be, you are worthy of a relationship that is the best with someone who is their best. Keep working on you, building and improving yourself. and should a relationship come along you will be ready. As you were living together with the other, any girl that has her chit together would want some time to pass anyway showing that you are not just on a rebound or just looking to get your dong wet.

[mandarino]

Thanks for the opinions brahs.

It was just a complete mind boggle. Because like i described, if her and i were alone on the other side of the world, she would be the perfect mate.


I just wonder sometimes does uncertainty/gut feeling manifest itself as anxiety for myself or is it viceverca.

We men are like that. If we arent hungry and someone is asking us what we want to eat foe dinner, then its a headache for us.

Im just concerned because of my age. I dont think i will even be in a position where I am completely certain with the woman to settle down with, because it will only be 1-2 years of being with them. I have no intention to date someone for 5 years as im not 25. I want kids by 33. So i believe a degree of uncertainty will always be there.
Or maybe im wrong. Maybe the perfect girl is truly perfect and you just know?