Broke it off with the girl, was i wrong?

[mandarino]

UK brah here.
Seeing this girl seriously over the last 12 months. Going great.
Pros - compatible, healthy diet, healthy, active, educated - nice job nice hours, Eastern European, domestic skill are great, loves dogs, kind etc etc.
Cons - a bit difficult when it comes to family interactions - she is quite a solo person. Doesn’t see her parents more than once every other year, wants the same from my side. Lacks a bit of emotional intelligence, blurts things out in anger etc.

Tried to give a brief description I suppose.

I work chitloads so I can go back ‘home’ once in a while. I used to do it every few months, but being mature to understand that a relationship comes first, I stopped that - and only would like to do this in the summer time (because im from a beautiful place in the summer and I have homes there and family and so on).

Now being with a woman from the same place as im from essentially, I thought she would understand this.

Now I took her ‘home’ with me for a week back in June and I stayed an extra week to go visit my parents who i had not seen since January. This caused a bit of friction because it was our first holiday and I ‘ditched’ her, but we got over it.
Now I had 4 weeks off in Sept that I had planned since last year - but she has no time off. Being responsible I told her that I would not go for the full 4 weeks because thats a bit kuntish, but would like to go for 1 week to hang with the retired parents and swim a bit to decompress from work.



This did not fly well, it has been made to appear that I am ‘just going on a holiday’. And also there is an assumption that this is my trend - just going home every few months and leaving the girl/wife/kids behind, and it appears I’m too attached to my parents etc. In essence im not putting the relationship first or taking it seriously, especially in its infancy of the first year or so.

This could not be further from the truth - I am going home, its not a vacation(even thought its a nice destination). I’m seeing parents only few times a year, and you better believe that if she had time off she would be on the plane with me. I’m never intending to go anywhere without her.



Misc bros - am i in the wrong here?
I can see her point - she wants a man to do the manly things and not leave the partner behind no matter what and so on. - after all, she would never go without me.
But at the same time, there is genuinely no ill intent here from my side. Sure some people see their families once a year, others are attached and see them every weekend.
I’m a sensible person - If we together had 4 weeks off, we could go 2-3 weeks somewhere solo and then 1 week back to my home perhaps (purely because its a hot spot at this time of year and we have a home base and it makes sense etc etc).
I dont think I am being too clingy or outrageous with my behaviour and choices. I’m willing to go 80% in her direction, we dont even need to meet halfway on these matters.

Just seems like an absurd argument to be having imo and a reason to breakup, especially considering we are compatible in every other single department quite well. Wouldn’t have even occurred if she had a week off work.

[skinnyfat88]

She's controlling AF.

I get some people have issues with girls trips/boys trips after you're in a relationship (not me personally but to each their own) but having issue with you going home for a week to see family?!?!?
Not your fault she doesn't have as much vacay as you, not to mention you don't need to be joined at the hip regardless.

Ask her to go to counselling (they will 100% support your train of thought here IMO). If she says no or "doesn't believe in counselling," I can assure you she'll likely never change her ways.

[mandarino]

She's controlling AF.

I get some people have issues with girls trips/boys trips after you're in a relationship (not me personally but to each their own) but having issue with you going home for a week to see family?!?!?
Not your fault she doesn't have as much vacay as you, not to mention you don't need to be joined at the hip regardless.

Ask her to go to counselling (they will 100% support your train of thought here IMO). If she says no or "doesn't believe in counselling," I can assure you she'll likely never change her ways.

It’s a cultural thing. I kinda get it.
She would never desert her partner and go solo, even if its home, she would want me to come along. She would not go see a friend in the next city because she would rather spend time with me.
This is a loyal quality to have. But at the same time if if going home to visit parents or whatever is not that high on her importance list thats fine. But it is to me and i would have liked her to meet me halfway on the matter.
I dont wanna sound crude, but the fact that I have more things that are ‘important’ in my life that she does in hers, I shouldn’t be punished for it you know what I mean.
In the summer i see my parents a bit, perhaps a bit during xmas(and thats a big maybe) - for sure this can be less as I get a relationship and probably even more so when kids come along etc. I certainly wouldn’t class myself as some sort of mommas boy lets say. Who knows how long people are around for and so on.
It just seemed like it wasn’t layered thinking on her part and was very black and white. In her mind I was just going and ‘ditching’ her - and a man who wants to settle etc should not do that. But the context was never thought about - ie its not a holiday, its parents/family, its 1 week instead of 4 now, its like 3-4 weeks out of 56 in a year (and preferably with her).

I just wanted the misc input to see if I was really doing something wrong here.

[sooby]

maybe the only thing wrong is perhaps you didn't communicate this to her clearly. ask her what her worries are clearly and her anxiety and insecurity about you taking a week off?

she probably feels like you aren't prioritizing your time with her and that when push comes to shove you're going to always prioritize your parents over her and kids (if you have kids someday). she probably wants more alone time with you than anything with the vacation you both have. And for you to prioritize building a family and you probably came across as a momma's boy ... lol.

I mean how many holidays do you get during a year? I only get 3 weeks lol so if I were in your position all of my weeks would be literally spending time with my parents. I don't think taking a week off should be that big of a deal, esp if it's a week she doesn't have. but if you are gonna ditch her for 3-4 weeks every year to see your parents i think it's a bit much. or at the very least just having a vacation trip where it is just you and her.

At the same time though, all of this could be indicative with the relationship with her parents. If she isn't on good terms with them that might be a huge red flag and she might just be projecting that on to you.


Ironically I had to break a relationship because of her "attachment" to parents. Well, she was in a unique situation where she's an only child and said she would never move anywhere a few hours away from her parents pretty much. And wanted to visit her parents every weekend or two. That kinda turned me off a bit bc I have goals of building my own family and I wanted her to be flexible in where ever that journey might have taken us. Was willing to meet her 90% of the way but she couldn't meet the other 10%, kind of understandable but people who lack flexibility/adaptability to the circumstances is a red flag as well.

[mandarino]

maybe the only thing wrong is perhaps you didn't communicate this to her clearly. ask her what her worries are clearly and her anxiety and insecurity about you taking a week off?

she probably feels like you aren't prioritizing your time with her and that when push comes to shove you're going to always prioritize your parents over her and kids (if you have kids someday). she probably wants more alone time with you than anything with the vacation you both have. And for you to prioritize building a family and you probably came across as a momma's boy ... lol.

I mean how many holidays do you get during a year? I only get 3 weeks lol so if I were in your position all of my weeks would be literally spending time with my parents. I don't think taking a week off should be that big of a deal, esp if it's a week she doesn't have. but if you are gonna ditch her for 3-4 weeks every year to see your parents i think it's a bit much. or at the very least just having a vacation trip where it is just you and her.

At the same time though, all of this could be indicative with the relationship with her parents. If she isn't on good terms with them that might be a huge red flag and she might just be projecting that on to you.


Ironically I had to break a relationship because of her "attachment" to parents. Well, she was in a unique situation where she's an only child and said she would never move anywhere a few hours away from her parents pretty much. And wanted to visit her parents every weekend or two. That kinda turned me off a bit bc I have goals of building my own family and I wanted her to be flexible in where ever that journey might have taken us. Was willing to meet her 90% of the way but she couldn't meet the other 10%, kind of understandable but people who lack flexibility/adaptability to the circumstances is a red flag as well.

I have 6 weeks off, plus another 6 from home so i kinda count that. I’m aware its more than most get, so im not unreasonable about it.
Take this example i mentioned in op, if she had 4 weeks off we could go to say Greece me and her for 3 weeks and 1 week to my place. Or whatever. Not to mention the rest of the year I dont really care, we can go wherever i dont make a fuss. But when not possible, let me be reasonable and not go for 4 weeks, and only go 1 to see my parents whom I see just once or twice a year anyways(and its mainly in the summer because its a nice destination so we get to kill two birds with one stone by seeing a bit of family and getting a bit of sun/sea.
I get it, its not important to her (and you are correct that her relationship is not the best with the parents), but it is to me, so just give me 20%, im not even wanting 50/50.


Like if she had a week off this wouldn’t even be a damn issue, she would be on the plane with me. Thats the absurdness of this whole thing.
And hell there are way worse things like people living next to their parents always barging into their living rooms weekly etc.

It’s so black and white to her - as if a 30 year old guy cant have a healthy relationship with family and still maintain a relationship etc. I’ve tried explaining this to her. Im not a dog with only a singular focus at a time, I can care for multiple people (and she was always number 1 i stressed), have multiple important things going on and so on.

[skinnyfat88]

It’s a cultural thing. I kinda get it.
She would never desert her partner and go solo, even if its home, she would want me to come along. She would not go see a friend in the next city because she would rather spend time with me.
This is a loyal quality to have. But at the same time if if going home to visit parents or whatever is not that high on her importance list thats fine. But it is to me and i would have liked her to meet me halfway on the matter.
I dont wanna sound crude, but the fact that I have more things that are ‘important’ in my life that she does in hers, I shouldn’t be punished for it you know what I mean.
In the summer i see my parents a bit, perhaps a bit during xmas(and thats a big maybe) - for sure this can be less as I get a relationship and probably even more so when kids come along etc. I certainly wouldn’t class myself as some sort of mommas boy lets say. Who knows how long people are around for and so on.
It just seemed like it wasn’t layered thinking on her part and was very black and white. In her mind I was just going and ‘ditching’ her - and a man who wants to settle etc should not do that. But the context was never thought about - ie its not a holiday, its parents/family, its 1 week instead of 4 now, its like 3-4 weeks out of 56 in a year (and preferably with her).

I just wanted the misc input to see if I was really doing something wrong here.

Unless you work like 75 hours a week and never see her this is still absurd and extreme, even from other cultures perspectives (my ex wife is Eastern European so I know first hand).
You do not "owe" each other 100% of your time. You need a life outside of eachother or you'll drive each other crazy and be live miserably ever after.

[mandarino]

Unless you work like 75 hours a week and never see her this is still absurd and extreme, even from other cultures perspectives (my ex wife is Eastern European so I know first hand).
You do not "owe" each other 100% of your time. You need a life outside of eachother or you'll drive each other crazy and be live miserably ever after.

4.5 days a week. 40-50 hours.

It just made me feelsbadman because she is full on 100% (wouldn’t go visit her family home without me etc) and here I am looking like a kunt not returning that same passion. But I cant ignore the fact that ive compromised heavily as mentioned above doing only 1 week (and I was happy to do it, honestly because I know im in a relationship!). Like all i wanted was 20%, if I went down to 0 then im a changed man, and thats not good. I dont know why she couldn’t see middle ground.

[skinnyfat88]

4.5 days a week. 40-50 hours.

It just made me feelsbadman because she is full on 100% (wouldn’t go visit her family home without me etc) and here I am looking like a kunt not returning that same passion. But I cant ignore the fact that ive compromised heavily as mentioned above doing only 1 week (and I was happy to do it, honestly because I know im in a relationship!). Like all i wanted was 20%, if I went down to 0 then im a changed man, and thats not good. I dont know why she couldn’t see middle ground.

Stop making excuses for her ie "returning the same passion."

Her "ways/passion" is generally looked at as unhealthy/controlling in modern dating and completely disregards our needs/wants outside of the relationship.

[Legz422]

She's being unreasonable. Going to see family isn't too much to ask. It's not like you're going every month for a week. Does she want kids one day? Wouldn't she be happy if her kids came to visit her as adults? My bf goes home to visit family several times a year for a week each time, holidays and all. I would never ask him to not go. I guess since I'm a mom I understand a parents need to see their kids. If my son moved far away I'd want him to still visit me.

[Caldef]

She's being unreasonable and controlling.

None of us even know how much longer our parents even have left. You don't want to look back in regret thinking that you didn't see your family cos you were too wrapped up in some selfish woman (see exhibit a, Prince Harry)

Also if she doesn't have a good relationship with her own parents,that should be a massive red flag.

You did the right thing OP.

[cramer1995]

assuming you're presenting an unbiased side of the story i think she's being unreasonable. you say it's a cultural thing but in what culture is it wrong for you to take time off from work to visit your family by yourself? that seems like a culture i want no part of. literally can't visit my family on my own? have to bring my wife everywhere?

[mandarino]

Thank you all for your insight.
I was really struggling with the decision, but honestly I am coming to terms with it because she is fantastic otherwise.
I wanted to know if my behaviour was out of line. I know some people visit interact with family once a week, once a month, once a year and so on. I am definitely not in favour of having them hover over my own space daily or weekly. So thats why i was a bit perplexed at her shock of me seeing them a few weeks a year at most.

I dont think she is a bad person, she is actually a perfect woman - unfortunately only for someone who is completely ‘alone’ as she is in that sense and some of her life views. I suppose its a compatibility thing along with an unwillingness to compromise for the sake of the relationship even in the slightest.

I am a big advocate of ‘happy life happy life’ and communication is the key to all and being open minded. But i was literally hovering at 0-5% and 95% on her side, which was a bit much.

[mandarino]

assuming you're presenting an unbiased side of the story i think she's being unreasonable. you say it's a cultural thing but in what culture is it wrong for you to take time off from work to visit your family by yourself? that seems like a culture i want no part of. literally can't visit my family on my own? have to bring my wife everywhere?

It does sound silly doesnt it.
But her expectation was that we are by each other side through thick and thin.
Me leaving for a week probably put her in a red flag mode that i would prioritize my family over her and potentially kids etc. Which is pretty wacky to think about, i mean life is dynamic, some time you will have a bit more time, other you wont such as when kids come along etc. I communicated all this, but her thinking was quite black/white.
Im a very open person and i tried to present her views as well.

[DustinTheHuss]

It does sound silly doesnt it.
But her expectation was that we are by each other side through thick and thin.
Me leaving for a week probably put her in a red flag mode that i would prioritize my family over her and potentially kids etc. Which is pretty wacky to think about, i mean life is dynamic, some time you will have a bit more time, other you wont such as when kids come along etc. I communicated all this, but her thinking was quite black/white.
Im a very open person and i tried to present her views as well.

Family is very important. I'm caring for 3 elderly relatives right now. What would she do if you had to do that? You'd want a spouse who supported you.

[Legz422]

It does sound silly doesnt it.
But her expectation was that we are by each other side through thick and thin.
Me leaving for a week probably put her in a red flag mode that i would prioritize my family over her and potentially kids etc. Which is pretty wacky to think about, i mean life is dynamic, some time you will have a bit more time, other you wont such as when kids come along etc. I communicated all this, but her thinking was quite black/white.
Im a very open person and i tried to present her views as well.

Well when you have kids you'd take your kids with you. Seems due to her not being close to her family she just doesn't understand the importance of seeing family. We used to do dinner at my exes parents every Sunday when all the kids in the family were little to teens. Before they started working and too busy with sports and stuff. Us, and both of his sisters families. It was great. I had no problem with it. I felt it was very important for my son to be close to family and his cousins.

[chrsschb]

I kinda understand where you're coming from. Your girl is mad she can't go with you (not your fault) and wants to blameshift/gaslight you to guilt you into staying (acting like you're going for something other than your real intention).

I dealt with this a lot with my ex and it became really annoying. I had a weekly thing I did with friends (bar on fridays) that somehow turned into "going on dates with girls." AKA I was being upfront and honest with her, telling her about people I met, talked to, etc trying to be communicative about what was going on but she used it as fuel and turned it against me.

I also dealt with this because I travel frequently. Whether for off-road riding trips or on vacations, I have time, I'm young(ish), and I want to take advantage of these things while I can. She rarely had time off or wanted to take time off to join me. She would make a million excuses, didn't want to use her vacation time for us (but would for her family and her work husband), etc. Then she would turn it against me, gaslight me, and try to guilt me into feeling like I was excluding her.

That was never the case and in reality I just got tired of how incompatible we ended up being later into our relationship. She grew to care more about people and things I didn't. So I moved on.

She's controlling AF.

This (also narcissistic).

Ask her to go to counselling (they will 100% support your train of thought here IMO). If she says no or "doesn't believe in counselling," I can assure you she'll likely never change her ways.

Not this. I hated counseling it never helped us. And we went through many different counselors in many different locations.

The overwhelming consensus from most counselors is that you have a communication problem. This is not something that's suddenly going to fix itself. We all have our own ways of communicating and it is important that learning that is something that happens early on in the relationship. HOW we communicate is just as important of a dating metric as work-life balance, sexual compatibility, compassion, etc and you need to find someone who meshes with your communication style. NEITHER person is going to fundamentally change for the other. Period.

[mandarino]

Well when you have kids you'd take your kids with you. Seems due to her not being close to her family she just doesn't understand the importance of seeing family. We used to do dinner at my exes parents every Sunday when all the kids in the family were little to teens. Before they started working and too busy with sports and stuff. Us, and both of his sisters families. It was great. I had no problem with it. I felt it was very important for my son to be close to family and his cousins.

Exactly all of this.
Take the darn kids as well. Its what i want. I wanted to take her now but unfortunately we couldnt. So i compromised from 4 weeks to 1. I thought this was fair.

The family dynamic bit is bang on. And there is nothing wrong with not being tight with your own family at all. For some people its important and others its not. But why the hell cant the communication be good enough to find a middle ground? Is that not the foundation of a relationship? When one person is too stubborn to even be open for any sort of dialogue/sacrifice/compromise, then there is not choice.
Its silly because this was all communication over simple things that could have been resolved. Like i was happy to see family less to satisfy her own mind, but im not going to not see them at all when able. My mind is blown and the reasons for the breakup and i really just wanted to hear from you guys that i wasnt off with my thoughts or being unreasonable

[Legz422]

Exactly all of this.
Take the darn kids as well. Its what i want. I wanted to take her now but unfortunately we couldnt. So i compromised from 4 weeks to 1. I thought this was fair.

The family dynamic bit is bang on. And there is nothing wrong with not being tight with your own family at all. For some people its important and others its not. But why the hell cant the communication be good enough to find a middle ground? Is that not the foundation of a relationship? When one person is too stubborn to even be open for any sort of dialogue/sacrifice/compromise, then there is not choice.
Its silly because this was all communication over simple things that could have been resolved. Like i was happy to see family less to satisfy her own mind, but im not going to not see them at all when able. My mind is blown and the reasons for the breakup and i really just wanted to hear from you guys that i wasnt off with my thoughts or being unreasonable

Not at all. Family is important to you, it's not to her. Seems like a major incompatibility issue. Definitely not someone you'd want to get married to and have kids with. It will be an issue your whole lives.

[skinnyfat88]

I dont think she is a bad person, she is actually a perfect woman - unfortunately only for someone who is completely ‘alone’ as she is in that sense and some of her life views. I suppose its a compatibility thing along with an unwillingness to compromise for the sake of the relationship even in the slightest.

I am a big advocate of ‘happy life happy life’ and communication is the key to all and being open minded. But i was literally hovering at 0-5% and 95% on her side, which was a bit much.

It's bizarre to me you defend her so much. How can you call someone "otherwise perfect" when she is trying to alienate you from your family and you've admitted to making 95% of the compromises.

[Archangel_Lost]

uh i mean you're for one not in the wrong for putting your parents first over some dumb skag you've been with for only a year.

honestly, even if it were a long term family unit, a woman thinking she could dictate to me when and how I see my blood relatives would be an instant no from me, dawg

[mandarino]

It's bizarre to me you defend her so much. How can you call someone "otherwise perfect" when she is trying to alienate you from your family and you've admitted to making 95% of the compromises.

Because my way of living life is not the only way. She lives a life her way, and apart from that issue (albeit a big one) we had she is a normal individual and a good mate (unfortunately not for me).
Her views are not what bothered me, its the communication - stubborness - and thus incompatibility that annoyed me because its something two adults should be able to communicate through and find a middle ground.

This is why i was struggling in my head. How the hell cant two people discuss things through on this matter when all other boxes are ticked. Boggles the mind but it ended in the right way. I really appreciate everyones input

[skinnyfat88]

Because my way of living life is not the only way. She lives a life her way, and apart from that issue (albeit a big one) we had she is a normal individual and a good mate (unfortunately not for me).
Her views are not what bothered me, its the communication - stubborness - and thus incompatibility that annoyed me because its something two adults should be able to communicate through and find a middle ground.

This is why i was struggling in my head. How the hell cant two people discuss things through on this matter when all other boxes are ticked. Boggles the mind but it ended in the right way. I really appreciate everyones input

Bro I am open-minded just like you and agree communication is vital in a relationship but the modern Western World doesn't say you two are "just different," rather her actions are manipulative and toxic.

My ex-wife was of that Eastern Euro mindset and basically admitted my family (& close friends) were normal/loving/caring/etc, but she had no interest in them being a part of "our family," and that she wanted their involvement with us to be limited and as per her discretion all the while being extremely close to her parents and brother (open door policy, finances/investments/etc).

This is one reason why she is my EX-wife and I am happily divorced.