Attempt #1 at getting my life back on rails.

[UnmotivatedTurd]

My apologies, this will probably be quite a long post. But I feel like I have to do it, in order for it to be a proper step. No more half assed attempts. An actual step.

Hi there, My name is Andy,
I've had sort of a rough childhood, my mother has schizophrenia, my dad wasn't in the picture because my mother couldn't start nor maintain a relationship due to said schizophrenia, and just got pregnant of some random schmuck in a pub somewhere.
Whilst growing up I very quickly realized that my mother wasn't like the other parents I'd see around my school, she always looked dirty, in old clothes that hadn't been washed in a couple of days. Always smelled like a ripe gouda cheese. Drunk around 10 in the morning of the 25 cent beer. The house was always filthy. And she didn't have the spine to say no to me, or correct my behaviour when I was testing how far I could push my luck.

When I was 8, it was getting to a breaking point. Daily fights with my mother, found her after a suicide attempt. Child protective services stepped in and placed me in a foster care (ish) location. Just to get me away from my mother. From there they tried to figure out a more permanent solution. Between the age of 8, and 18 I had to move 17 times. New home, new city, new school. But I had mastered the skill of not caring, or not showing that I cared. I just went with the flow of the other kids that lived there. So nothing ever seemed wrong. It seemed like all that had happened didn't matter, didn't bother me.

You see, I used to ride my bike to school every day. 7Mi (12KM) to school, and then back. I played Rugby, and whenever I was not in school, I'd be outside hanging out with friends, not working out, but still moving about. But then I graduated, got my own place I sat down, and I never stopped sitting down. I wake up in the morning, or the afternoon, or the evening, depending on when I went to bed. I start up my computer and go browse the internet, watch some netflix, play some games. Until I go to bed, and repeat the same thing, the next day.

I am unable to work, I have been ever since I turned 18, I get tired too fast. ( this was even before I got fat as **** ). My feet hurt after standing on them for more than a couple of hours. I don't know why, again, this was already the case before I got fat. But I feel like it's made the process harder. But also mentally, when I am engaged into something it drains me, and I need a day, sometimes two to recharge. I don't know why. I feel like an old battery, that does charge to 100%, but drains abnormally fast.

My house is filthier than my mother ever let it get. it bothers me, but it doesn't bother me enough to start cleaning. I just cannot seem to motivate myself, I haul **** in, thru groceries but I don't carry it out. Unless it starts to rot and there is maggots or whatever, then I throw it in the garbage. But I am unable to do it all. I don't even know where to start.

I need to seriously get a grip, and un-**** my life. Today was a big day, I went to the doctors, and got a referral to a psychiatrist. I wrote this post as a start of my journey. I don't even know if this is the right forum, or the right website to be placing this on. But I am 310lbs at 6'1. ( 185 CM - 140 KG ). I don't know how, but I am going to lose it, I am going to get my life back one way or another. and find happiness.

Thank you for reading.

[iputyouatapoint]

Sorry to hear about your mom. I'll add you as a friend and ask how you're doing.