Where to go from here?

[DiscipleOfAres]

Hello there, this is my first time posting as I'm in desperate need of advice. This post is quite long as some context is required and as I really need to get some things off my chest.

Male, 17
Height: 160cm
Starting weight: 85KG
Current weight: 65KG
Current body fat percentage: roughly 25%

I began my journey exactly a year ago with a starting weight of 85KG. I began tracking my calories, entered a calorie deficit and began lifting at home consistently 6 days a week (as I unfortunately do not have access to a gym). Now, a year later, I have managed to reach 65KG, and still plan on lowering my body fat percentage (Roughly guessing, I am currently at around 25%).

It was quite difficult to get used to at first, but lifting soon became addicting, an outlet of sorts. It helped me overcome depression, something I was battling with for years. I was able to track accurately for months, consistently reaching my calorie goals, consistently in a calorie deficit, except every once in a while (cheat days, days at maintenance which acted as refeeds). I fell in love with the process, and constantly craved more and more as I watched my body change for the better. I rarely missed workouts (I still have not taken a proper deload week) and was encouraged to keep working harder and harder, watching my lifts progress.

However, as of late, everything is slowly collapsing. I went from perfectly sticking to my deficit, to needing maintenance days every weekend, to binging every once in a while during the weekend. It does not matter what I eat, I no longer feel feel full nor satisfied. I tend to think of my next meal while already eating. I am constantly craving food, it has become all I can think about. I am hungry even eating at maintenance. As for working out, my motivation as well as discipline have begun to wane. My lifts have stalled, with some even regressing. What started off as a couple of bad sessions has turned into sessions that I simply cannot finish. One of the only activities that I truly enjoyed (and even had to stop myself from participating in even more to avoid overtraining) has turned into a chore.

This past week I have attempted to take a diet break, with the first couple of days being cheat days where I allowed myself to indulge in foods I have not had/craved for a while. I believe the best course of action currently is to continue eating at maintenance for 1-2 weeks, with a break from lifting during the first week. However, I feel guilty about not lifting. I feel guilty about eating more. I look in the mirror and feel as if I look even worse than when I started (even though I have lost 20KG and I could've only realistically gained up to a kilo with this week's surplus). I feel as if I don't deserve to take a break, even if this will be the first time I take a diet break/gain weight, as I'm not as close to my goal as I want to be. I'm still fluffy, lacking definition and I want that to change as soon as possible. This situation is mentally draining me and I'm constantly overthinking it, unsure of what to do.

I would greatly appreciate any help/advice on my situation and would be more than glad to provide any additional information you may need.

[SuffolkPunch]

If you came to us before, we would probably not have advocated actively dieting while you might still be growing height wise. But no use crying over spilled milk. However, it sounds like you are getting too light. Chasing abs and definition is a losing game when you don't have enough muscle mass to back it up. You already have some of the issues caused by being too skinny - low calories, hard to avoid uncontrolled eating, over reacting to changes in water weight etc.

Posting pictures would help but even without seeing them, I strongly expect to advise muscle gain - while remaining at maintenance or slighly above.