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  1. #1
    💙💙💙💙💙🪳 snailsrus's Avatar
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    Dealing with parents getting older/ near the end of their lives

    How did you guys cope?

    My dads 78 and has copd. He has been struggling with an upper respiratory infection (not Covid) for a month. His dad died at 80 from pneumonia, every man on his side of the family dies around 80.

    This thanksgiving he became to winded just cutting the turkey :/

    My dads my hero and I’m scared to death of him passing or getting ill and going into the hospital and having to stay there.

    His mom and her sisters lived till 100ish but the men die earlier.

    Idk my moms been having tons of health issues also related to her back since March

    How did or are you coping with losing your parents?
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  2. #2
    Quarantined Finja Cass40's Avatar
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    Oh no don't worry aboot it. Your mom is young and your dad live live at least ten more years. They look good and are rich so they'll be fine.

    Just enjoy them while you still have them. Ask a lot of questions about your family if don't already know everything. I lost mine at thirty but it came as a surprise so had no time to worry. I dunno which is better TBH.
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    Registered User Oceanside's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by snailsrus View Post
    How did you guys cope?

    My dads 78 and has copd. He has been struggling with an upper respiratory infection (not Covid) for a month. His dad died at 80 from pneumonia, every man on his side of the family dies around 80.

    This thanksgiving he became to winded just cutting the turkey :/

    My dads my hero and I’m scared to death of him passing or getting ill and going into the hospital and having to stay there.

    His mom and her sisters lived till 100ish but the men die earlier.

    Idk my moms been having tons of health issues also related to her back since March

    How did or are you coping with losing your parents?
    just learn to be there for them..

    it's not easy and it's one of lifes reality checks but it's inevitable for most...

    they change our diapers when they bring us in...

    we change theirs when they go out...

    the cycle of life I guess...

    I feel ya because it's a kick in the ass to see our parents get older
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    Getting Toned steffo99's Avatar
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    It's tough for sure realizing it's getting closer. My parents are 80 and 85 now. Mom is relatively ok, but still struggles with diabetes and some of its' effects, while my dad is becoming forgetful and losing certain words. I just try to keep in touch and being a friend, then also try to remind myself over again to be grateful they had such, historically speaking, long lives and many good expereinces along the way - getting to see their grandchildrens's children etc.
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    Squats and Milk Bando's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cass40 View Post
    Ask a lot of questions about your family if don't already know everything.
    X2. This is really important for both of you, once they're gone their memories are as well.

    Also a good idea to write down what ailments your parents and grandparents had, will be valuable info later in life. My Mom suffered a heart attack so I'm on baby aspirin, my Dad had colon cancer so I get Colonoscopies more often than what is normal for my age.
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    Registered User windchimesilo's Avatar
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    For real, it is just something you have to accept. Be happy that you actually got to experience a great life with great parents. Death is just a natural part of life. When you look back, you realize things that your parents did that make you realize just how much you mean to them. Just enjoy the time you have with them. That is all you can do. Do not stress while they're alive, they wouldn't want to see you like that. Just help them whenever you can and enjoy their company.
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    Registered User tripod29's Avatar
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    Wood
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    Finally accused of juicin Corbi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by snailsrus View Post

    How did or are you coping with losing your parents?
    My stepdad died of stomach cancer back in 86 and i took that hard, my mom was killed in a motorcycle accident in 95 and surprisingly I didn't take it nearly as bad as my stepdads and to this day I don't know why? My biological father is still alive and lives 90 minutes from Reno, haven't seen him since 1982 but did reconnect slightly last yr via FB, thinking about taking a drive out there to visit.

    Sorry I didn't answer your question but I will say the more death you deal with the easier it gets, most of my family is gone and it almost doesn't bother me anymore.
    "You know that little thing in your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't? Yeah, well, I don't have one of those."
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    Finally accused of juicin Corbi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tripod29 View Post
    Wood
    Seriously? You take a thread about death to post that?
    "You know that little thing in your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't? Yeah, well, I don't have one of those."
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    Squats and Milk Bando's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Corbi View Post
    My stepdad died of stomach cancer back in 86 and i took that hard
    Terrible terrible way to go, my wife's Aunt died from that years back and she was in agony for weeks, so much pain they couldn't even keep her comfortable.
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    Registered User homersexual's Avatar
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    My mom has had a major health emergency every year for the past 4 years. Grandfathers died young, father died at 62 after years of health issues, brother died at 30. I don't celebrate winter holidays because that has usually been when these incidents happen. After spending Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years in the ER you become immune to it all. Left a past gf because she refused to get healthy and lose weight -- I'm tired of dealing with cardiologists at this point.

    Tldr: just spend as much time with them as possible. You can't predict when they'll go.
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  12. #12
    💙💙💙💙💙🪳 snailsrus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Corbi View Post
    My stepdad died of stomach cancer back in 86 and i took that hard, my mom was killed in a motorcycle accident in 95 and surprisingly I didn't take it nearly as bad as my stepdads and to this day I don't know why? My biological father is still alive and lives 90 minutes from Reno, haven't seen him since 1982 but did reconnect slightly last yr via FB, thinking about taking a drive out there to visit.

    Sorry I didn't answer your question but I will say the more death you deal with the easier it gets, most of my family is gone and it almost doesn't bother me anymore.
    hey I live 60 mins south of Reno, small world

    Originally Posted by Bando View Post
    X2. This is really important for both of you, once they're gone their memories are as well.

    Also a good idea to write down what ailments your parents and grandparents had, will be valuable info later in life. My Mom suffered a heart attack so I'm on baby aspirin, my Dad had colon cancer so I get Colonoscopies more often than what is normal for my age.
    well I never smoked and my dad still smokes with copd and so did my grandfather, but prostate cancer is also very prevalent. I’ve had ovarian cancer already.

    But I should record it, osteoporosis is on my moms side, my grandma had it, and my mom and aunts have osteopenia. I take calcium and should start getting bone density tests now.

    Originally Posted by Cass40 View Post
    Oh no don't worry aboot it. Your mom is young and your dad live live at least ten more years. They look good and are rich so they'll be fine.

    Just enjoy them while you still have them. Ask a lot of questions about your family if don't already know everything. I lost mine at thirty but it came as a surprise so had no time to worry. I dunno which is better TBH.
    I think in some ways for me at least it’s better to know. I talk to my dad every other day and see him once a week. I talk to my mom everyday and see her most days. I do her errands, drive her to her doc appointments and get her scripts. I try to spend as much time as I can with them. I’ve made my mom physical photo albums so when she gets down because of her health she can look at them. She’s 62. And if her mind starts to go like her moms did in her 80’s she’ll still have those long term memories.

    They look a lot younger because a lot of plastic surgery
    Last edited by snailsrus; 12-03-2021 at 11:49 PM.
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    Registered User DustinTheHuss's Avatar
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    It's so hard to watch them age. My Dad ran 10 miles a day 7 days a week so he needs ankle and knee braces and a cane to walk. He also has diabetes, and so does my Mom. My Dad has a lot of skin cancer surgeries.

    Then my aunt can't drive so I run errands for her or take her shopping with her walker because she hurt her back.
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    8'3 330lbs RiceBrah93's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DustinTheHuss View Post
    It's so hard to watch them age. My Dad ran 10 miles a day 7 days a week so he needs ankle and knee braces and a cane to walk. He also has diabetes, and so does my Mom. My Dad has a lot of skin cancer surgeries.

    Then my aunt can't drive so I run errands for her or take her shopping with her walker because she hurt her back.
    How do you do all that and still have time to misc, date online on top of your job, family stuff and church stuff?
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    Registered User Gabbar99's Avatar
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    Lost both my parents in the past 2 years in their 80s. My dad developed dementia and they moved in to an apartment at an assisted facility near my sister when my mom couldn't handle him by herself any more. They weren't there very long before they had to move my dad to a memory care unit down the hall. He was a million times more with it than the others in the unit so it wasn't a great fit, but their own apartment wasn't working and my mom was right down the hall.

    My mom was really depressed about moving out of the house they built and about the whole situation. She was having physical problems too, kinda blacking out and falling, probably from her heart failure. Then she came out of the fog and was her old self for about a month before one day they were walking down the hall together and she just fell over backwards and died.

    My dad was pretty lost without mom but was fine physically. My sister and her daughter were there every day. He still knew us and I could talk to him on the phone. He wasn't totally gone and was himself in many ways. He had perfect recall of anything before 3 years ago, but he just couldn't keep track of the time of day or process a lot of day to day stuff.

    Then Covid hit and he was locked away. My sister and her daughter took him out a few times for "medical appointments" (sitting by the lake and talking), but the facility really tried to protect the patients. Then just a couple months before the vaccine came out Covid finally hit the unit and took out every single one of them. They all died. My dad was the last one.

    We moved him to a hospice for the last couple days and got to be with him. I got to hold his hand and talk with him. He was in and out with brief lucid moments. He had to struggle so hard to breathe. The last thing he said to me was he mumbled something I couldn't understand and then clearly said "you're a real man".
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    temporary illusion supramax's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RiceBrah93 View Post
    How do you do all that and still have time to misc, date online on top of your job, family stuff and church stuff?
    ... and lift weights?

    Anyways, I won't be adding another sad story to this thread. Suffice to say the words of Julian of Norwich as quoted by Richard Maurice Bucke in his book 'Cosmic Consciousness':
    "All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well."
    There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
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    Lost both of my parents within 5 years - 1 from a gun accident and one from cancer. Don't take any day for granted. Spend time, call, ask questions about your family- about them etc, and just be there. Not sure how to coup as I never have I just suppress.
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    I'm dealing with it too. My mother was diagnosed with dementia two years ago, and her short term memory is a little worse (instead of asking you the same question 2X, now it's 3X or 4X), but there are plenty of times when she's quite lucid. I'm dealing with a cracked tooth ATM and I called mom to talk to her and to tell her about it. Her responses to my tooth are, I'm sure, identical to what she would have said 10-20 years ago.

    I have two family friends who help out but that's it. The rest falls on me with some help from my wife and son. I'll occasionally get irritated that my only sibling helps so little (she's literally only visited her 3X this year and only lives 2.5 hours away), but most of the time I see it as a blessing because my mom is just so sweet and appreciative.
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    Registered User Cantplankwell's Avatar
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    Luckily both of my parents are in their 80s and my MIL ...90s, and in good health. FIL died at 49, when my wife was 13.

    I am in business with my parents so I see them most everyday, I often spend hours with my Dad talking about day to day management, money etc..its our thing we do, but last year or two I have really noticed a decline, especially in my Dad, my mom....shes a tank, but she is getting very forgetful, and relies heavily on my dad which is increasingly taxing on him.

    Thing I get from my experiences with them is that if the next 30-55 years goes as fast as the last I am going to be there too soon... like waking up from a dream some morning, so I am trying to learn to live one day at a time and be good to myself and my family... and soak it up, not always easy.
    Please record my time/reps if I pass out
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    Getting Toned steffo99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cantplankwell View Post
    I am in business with my parents so I see them most everyday, I often spend hours with my Dad talking about day to day management, money etc..its our thing we do, but last year or two I have really noticed a decline, especially in my Dad, .
    Sounds like my situation a bit, minus the business part. Used to speak to him a bit more often when was clearer and it was always more like speaking to a friend than a parent. But these last 2 years have been different with memory and some verbal comprehension slipping. It's so strange - you have a perfectly clear conversation for 20 minutes and then out of nowhere he stops and ask me to reapeat certain ordinary words and no matter how many times you you repeat, he gives back a completely different word. But at least he is being well taken care of in the county he lives, with help coming 3 times per day to fix food, do laundry etc - many in other places are not so lucky.
    Last edited by steffo99; 12-04-2021 at 10:25 AM.
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    Registered User KeepItMoving's Avatar
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    My Dad was my hero. He came to every sporting event I was ever in, even alot of my practices. He was hard on me. He grew up relatively poor and was drafted to fight in Korea. I know why he was hard on me. Because he knew that life is hard and he wanted me to succeed in life and for my own Family.

    He was battling with multiple issues recently. The battle turned to suffering. This was going on for over a year. Finally, I told him that I'm fine. My Family is fine. Why? Because of the man he made me. I told him how proud I always was of him. That I'd see him from a distance and just feel so proud that guy over there is my Dad. I thanked him and let him know I'm okay.

    He lost consciousness the next day and died the following.

    If I'm ever in that kind of situation, I hope I've been enough of a Dad to hear those words from my Son. It has been a little over a month since he died and I still haven't cried. I don't know why. I have moments where I feel kinda lost, but I haven't cried.

    Parents have such a huge impact on what and who we are.
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    My parents are in their mid 80s but their still in good health can drive and cook. I see them often and help as much as I can doing errands and stuff. My grandma (mom's mom) just passed this year at age 108. Hearing my mom cry when she passed was one of the most heartbreaking thing ever to see. Getting old sucks
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    Right as typing earlier, got a call from my mom that needed help with getting safely from the bus the stop to get home with groceries. It has been snowing more than in recent years and the city has had no time to remove it all... so many spots are slippery and the sidewalks are covered in deep snow atm. And after being like a quick moving athlete until 5 yrs ago or so, her movement and balance is not the greatest. Happy to help, but also wondering how to solve these little things later as looking to move, hopefully far away.
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    Originally Posted by nikonD70s View Post
    My parents are in their mid 80s but their still in good health can drive and cook. I see them often and help as much as I can doing errands and stuff. My grandma (mom's mom) just passed this year at age 108. Hearing my mom cry when she passed was one of the most heartbreaking thing ever to see. Getting old sucks
    It beats the alternative. It hurts just as much, if not more, to have a loved one die at an older age, rather than younger. It's a real reality check.
    There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
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    My dad died at 67. Suck it up. I have a friend who's dad died in his 40s.
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    Originally Posted by eternalnoob View Post
    My dad died at 67. Suck it up. I have a friend who's dad died in his 40s.
    Sorry for your loss, but there is no need to be a tool towards others just looking for assistance, answers or sharing their story.


    This is a great thread you started snails, I am really enjoying reading the comments even if some are really heartbreaking while others are heat warming with folks sharing fond memories and longevity of their loved ones.
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    Originally Posted by mtpockets View Post
    Sorry for your loss, but there is no need to be a tool towards others just looking for assistance, answers or sharing their story.


    This is a great thread you started snails, I am really enjoying reading the comments even if some are really heartbreaking while others are heat warming with folks sharing fond memories and longevity of their loved ones.
    Well said, pockets. Looking to see how others think and deal with this as it is very real...and hopefully we can share rather than brush it off as some silly macho thing.

    Edit: don't wish to bring ppl down either, but some things it makes sense to take in info from the fam here.
    Last edited by steffo99; 12-04-2021 at 02:44 PM.
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    weigh, not measure mtnmama's Avatar
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    this got long fast - oh well -

    Originally Posted by mtpockets View Post
    This is a great thread you started snails, I am really enjoying reading the comments even if some are really heartbreaking while others are heat warming with folks sharing fond memories and longevity of their loved ones.
    same - @mtpockets - exactly the same

    @snails - so my dad and i worked together since before i was an adult - his dad died really young - so when he hit his mid 40s and had lived longer than my grandpa - he knew he was on borrowed time and so did i. i'm an only child and my dads first heart attack and bypass was while i was in high school.

    it was copd that got him. he lived a decade longer than docs said he would. i cherished that time and still do. we still worked together until the day he passed - and we were surprised by it - he was mostly working from home by that point cuz of supp oxygen- but still worked long a56 days and killed it professionally.

    my daughter was going thru some health stuff at the time and my dad - the loving and kind man that he was - had talked me thru the waiting room while she had tests run the day of and left a message late that day while we were driving home from hospital for kiddo just to let me know i was the best daughter he ever had (only child) - he was hilarious

    i actually have pics of my pops taking selfies an hour or so before he passed - he was checking his left and right side of his stubble/beard for even - was such a character!

    my marriage suffered for the first ~10 years because my dad was still my bestie instead of my husband - i eventually figured it out and put things right with everyone - but my dad was my everything for the first 25 years of my life. i have step-parents and had trauma stuff just like everyone else growing up - but my dad made sure every day of my life that i knew how deep his love for me ran.

    when i began to really come to terms with everything - i was around 30 - so he was 47-48 at that point and had been sick several years (he was a few months shy of his 59th when he passed) - i became the person he could say anything to. i always was - we always told ppl we grew up together - but i became the one he talked to about after and how and if he wanted to do things on his terms, etc. like i said - i cherished that whole time - even the bad days. he was far from perfect - but taught me that love and kindness towards your loved ones is more important than anything else in life.

    he was my hero because he was authentic and transparent and loved really hard. i prolly didn't handle it very well and this is for sure the hardest time of the year for me to look back (he passed in summer of 2017). i am prolly still too affected by it. i try to be better everyday. i try to love ppl the way he did. i am a better human because he loved me and taught me.
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    Well I think he was right, mtnmama. Glad to see you had such a good connection and can be glad for that, I hope. I'd be affected in the same way and as jtbny said, probably mostly suppress it in some way. Jeez, seems too depressing but it is what it is.
    Last edited by steffo99; 12-04-2021 at 03:28 PM.
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    Originally Posted by KeepItMoving View Post
    My Dad was my hero. He came to every sporting event I was ever in, even alot of my practices. He was hard on me. He grew up relatively poor and was drafted to fight in Korea. I know why he was hard on me. Because he knew that life is hard and he wanted me to succeed in life and for my own Family.

    He was battling with multiple issues recently. The battle turned to suffering. This was going on for over a year. Finally, I told him that I'm fine. My Family is fine. Why? Because of the man he made me. I told him how proud I always was of him. That I'd see him from a distance and just feel so proud that guy over there is my Dad. I thanked him and let him know I'm okay.

    He lost consciousness the next day and died the following.

    If I'm ever in that kind of situation, I hope I've been enough of a Dad to hear those words from my Son. It has been a little over a month since he died and I still haven't cried. I don't know why. I have moments where I feel kinda lost, but I haven't cried.

    Parents have such a huge impact on what and who we are.
    Forget politics man this post is great!
    The anniversary of my dad's death is Dec 10th so i can relate and remember how i coped; it was rough!
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