Dealing with parents getting older/ near the end of their lives

[x-trainer ben]

How did you guys cope?

My dads 78 and has copd. He has been struggling with an upper respiratory infection (not Covid) for a month. His dad died at 80 from pneumonia, every man on his side of the family dies around 80.

This thanksgiving he became to winded just cutting the turkey :/

My dads my hero and I’m scared to death of him passing or getting ill and going into the hospital and having to stay there.

His mom and her sisters lived till 100ish but the men die earlier.

Idk my moms been having tons of health issues also related to her back since March

How did or are you coping with losing your parents?

As i was told, "time heals" but for my dad it was a good year and a half until i personally felt in control of emotions.
No one can predict it, it is a moment by moment thing.
It used to hit me on the highway driving alone with certain songs, with no rhyme or reason.

[steffo99]

Forget politics man this post is great!
The anniversary of my dad's death is Dec 10th so i can relate and remember how i coped; it was rough!

Agree, great post...

[mtnmama]

Well I think he was right, mtnmama. Glad to see you had such a good connection and can be glad for that, I hope. I'd be affected in the same way and as jtbny said, probably mostly suppress it in some way. Jeez, seems too depressing but it is what it is.

thanks - ya - like a mixed bag of suppression and growth, huh? super grateful for the connection and lessons from him - the good ones and even the harsh ones most would call traumatic- all made me who i am

it is what the fudge it is - that is out families go to - and my dad and i used to wear that tshirt all the time - cuz that's it!! it truly is what the f it is!

on spread - as per usual....ha

[Bando]

Then Covid hit and he was locked away. My sister and her daughter took him out a few times for "medical appointments" (sitting by the lake and talking), but the facility really tried to protect the patients. Then just a couple months before the vaccine came out Covid finally hit the unit and took out every single one of them. They all died. My dad was the last one.

Terrible.

My wife was working in a Nursing Home during the height of Covid and it was devastating.

[Payton1221]

As i was told, "time heals" but for my dad it was a good year and a half until i personally felt in control of emotions.
No one can predict it, it is a moment by moment thing.
It used to hit me on the highway driving alone with certain songs, with no rhyme or reason.

My dad died 8 weeks after I graduated high school. About 20 years later, I came across a cassette tape of him playing bluegrass music with some friends. I played the tape, and when I heard my dad's voice for the first time in 20 years, I immediately and without warning just started sobbing.

[ChazWood]

Beautiful topic. So much love ITT.

I believe that everyone you've loved and lost is still with you in your heart.

[Samraiwise]

My father died when he was 70, and he was from the old school and we never say to each other more than "Hi" during our entire life together. But the truth is that I wanted to talk with him more and especially now I become the one myself.

I call my mother every week to listen to her and hear her voice. Because I want to know everything my mother wants me to know.

And I wish someday I can talk to my daughter and tell her everything I want her to know. Because I know someday she will wish it as I wish it with my late father right now.

[eomrat]

Wood

Go away scumbag

[Darkius]

Oh no don't worry aboot it. Your mom is young and your dad live live at least ten more years. They look good and are rich so they'll be fine.

Just enjoy them while you still have them. Ask a lot of questions about your family if don't already know everything. I lost mine at thirty but it came as a surprise so had no time to worry. I dunno which is better TBH.

Agreed about asking lots of questions. You will want to know a lot about your family history later.

I lost my mother in her 20's to a ruptured aneurysm. I get sudden pinpoint headaches that leave as fast as they come.

My brother lives with my father. Worst thing we went through was his alcohol binges and us thinking he lost his mind. I'm sure losing him will be a big blow, but not much can be done.

A close family friend of mine lost his father to covid. He was obese and hand had diabetes, so they expected it and were resigned to it long in advance. They did not seem to morn, though his mother misses him.

My high school friend saw his father have a heart attack right in front of him. There was nothing he could do to stop him from dying. Very traumatising.

I've seen older roommates have heart attacks. Also seen cats die.

Death happens. All you can do is encourage healthy lifestyles and enjoy good times together.

It took my brother and I and everyone in the community condemning my father's drinking and no treating his drunkeness as cute before he finally stopped. He'd hide alcohol, we called him out each time we could tell he was intoxicated.

A 60 year old in my astronomy club thought he retired fit after having quitting smoking 10 years ago. Then asthma struck. He did not get away. Now he has to deal with the shaky hands his inhaler gives him.

Plenty of old people in my astronomy club die. Some get very crabby before they go. Others morn when their parents go. Hits them all hard.

[Darkius]

My mother's younger sister died in April 2020, age 59. She lived on the opposite coast. I never got to ask her about my mother's childhood. I only know what my father told me my mother told him. My older brother told me it is for the best, that neither our aunt or her parents were nice people. I don't know what she died of or what size she was or whether she smoked.

My father's older brother died at age 67, same year my mother died. He had a heart attack.

My father told me about his parents. Main take away is they worked different jobs at different times in their lives and lived a varied life like I do. Can't pin them down to one category. They sure looked different when they were younger.

[Darkius]

Right as typing earlier, got a call from my mom that needed help with getting safely from the bus the stop to get home with groceries. It has been snowing more than in recent years and the city has had no time to remove it all... so many spots are slippery and the sidewalks are covered in deep snow atm. And after being like a quick moving athlete until 5 yrs ago or so, her movement and balance is not the greatest. Happy to help, but also wondering how to solve these little things later as looking to move, hopefully far away.

Perhaps take her with you, some place that does not snow. If she owns a home, now is a good time to sell.

[startingat56]

Also agree that you should ask lots of questions now

I knew my father was a POW in Hong Kong during WW2 (Winnipeg Grenadiers), but he never spoke of that time. He went quickly from undiagnosed lung cancer, and it was while he was under the influence of morphine, when he was reliving it, I really got an education. After his death, I researched the history and only then did I realize what he went through, and how it shaped him. As with all men in the family, he went early at 75. My mother went at 92 and was the earliest of all women in the family, one breaking 100.

I only wish I would have paid attention to all the family stories from those that have left us, so I am regularly visiting/communicating with those still with us. (there were ten on my fathers side and eleven on my mothers side)

Don't waste time grieving in advance, instead celebrate what you have now, knowing that what is happening is supposed to happen, and although sad, it's part of life. You can be sad and happy at the same time (I think that's melancholy?)

And probably more important is to get the generation behind you ready. Make sure they know about their family.

When my kids wanted something significant, I asked them to find specific information regarding their grandparents/ great grandparents in before they received it. I have gone through endless photographs and wrote information on the backs of those photographs.

[x-trainer ben]

My dad died 8 weeks after I graduated high school. About 20 years later, I came across a cassette tape of him playing bluegrass music with some friends. I played the tape, and when I heard my dad's voice for the first time in 20 years, I immediately and without warning just started sobbing.

Yup, This!
i have a cd of my fathers last work related speaking engagement but i only watch it on certain special occasions.