Another failure or..another lesson?

[regno]

So some of you might remember my post couple months ago where I posted about how my 20 year older ex which I chased for 1.5 years devastated me by rejecting my sincere offer for reconciliation and by showing that's she's happy with someone else and doesn't give a single shiet about me. It took 3 months for me to recover after that. And when I thought things finally start to go my way and that I finally met my new soulmate, I couldn't be more wrong.

Anyway, a month ago, with 0 expectations I met this girl on ******** dating. Lives in another city, 60 miles from me.

We hit it off from the very beginning. Never felt such a strong connection with any girl. Not even with my ex.

We were texting each other every day for hours. The conversation was endless. Very outspoken girl, smart, sincere with real values. Well, at least it appeared so.

After 2 weeks of texting, we met for the first time. I didn't have much time that day so we spent like 2 hours together.

She liked me in real just as much as she liked me via texting. So did I.

Since there was such a strong connection and mutual passion for each other, we decided to go to a spa hotel for our next date since she lives with her female friend and can't invite me to her place.

So 1 week after our first date, we went to a hotel. And this is where things went south real fast.



First of all, she was stressed because she had problems with work that day. Because of that, we got really late to a hotel. I also noticed that I was also stressed a lot from all the rush and hurry. On top of that, it was also probably because my performance anxiety about upcoming sex that kicked in real hard. Also, the room was cold, the heating wasn't working properly, TV did not work and since we got late, the spa was already closed. So the circumstances were really bad for our 2nd date. Anyway, we put some music on her phone, drank some wine and started foreplay, kissing etc. And what do you know, I noticed that I'm having problems getting hard. I thought I'll give it some time, maybe it will get better. We went to the bed, got naked. It didn't get better. I couldn't penetrate her with semi hard cock. And the fact that she didn't want me to lick her V for some bullshiet reason (it turns me on a lot) and she wasn't keen on sucking my cock, that made things even worse.

But she seemed ok that I couldn't get aroused and wasn't hard on me (no pun intended). It wasn't the end of the world for me because it was not the first time it happened to me but it wasn't very pleasant. So we decided to just lie in bed, hugged each other. There was an awkward silence for like 10-15 mins. But I thought I'll give it another try. I started kissing and sucking on her breasts and somehow I got aroused. So I immediately penetrated her and smashed her real hard for like 3 mins and cumming all over her belly and chest. Not the most pleasant sex I imagine. I doubt she even felt anything.


Then we went to a restaurant in that a hotel. I ordered some food and since she's allergic to almost 90% of the food, she only had tea. Anyway, we ate, well I ate, we didn't talk about what just happened but I could see the way she communicated that she somewhat lost attraction to me.

After that, I offered her to stay a night in a hotel with me expecting that in the morning, there's a high chance for a much better sex. But she refused and wanted to go home. Didn't give me a reason. So I took her home. Before she left, she hugged and passionately kissed me. I thought maybe the date wasn't that bad.

So I went home and next day texted her how is she feeling.

Her reply was basically saying that in reality, I appeared very different what she imagined via texts. She said she also noticed a lot of red flags and that even spending couple hours with me on our 2nd date, she believes I'm probably not the right man for her. Although the only difference between 1st and 2nd date was sex and that I was nervous and stressed because of that. But it was obvious she lost attraction to me.

I tried talking sense to her, that the circumstances and everything was against us and we should definitely meet for at least 3rd date but under different circumstances, without any rush, stress etc because the 1st date was ok. So the 3rd date would reveal the truth if we're meant for each other or not. But it appears that she almost made up her mind about me and isn't interested in finding out 100% truth.


Also, she said she deleted tinder and fb dating after our 1st date because of me. But after our 2nd date my friend noticed that she's once again on tinder.



And one last thing. She said that she doesn't want to completely cut off all communication and we can sometimes chat and maybe meet each other for a coffee. Well, what I sense is that I'm being pushed in the dreaded friend zone. And I'd rather die than be friends with a girl.


So, is there any way I can make this work and rebuild the attraction after all this mess? I gotta say, it somewhat devastated me that a girl which was so into me would make such a fast decision only after our 2nd date not taking into account any circumstances and that I was sincerely trying to make the date work.

Also, I'm starting to notice that I'm going the same path that I did with my ex. Showering her with attention, expecting that we'll one day get back together etc. And after 1.5 years dong this with my ex, that turned out to be the worst decision of my life.


Any thoughts, advice? Like stop initiating the convo? Letting her come to me? Or is this a lost cause already?


Thanks. And sorry for the long read.

[Techriding101]

age 27...and you wrote a dear diary post about your 50 year old ex? Da fuk is wrong with you bro

TLDR

[G1adi4tor88]

If she was really excited about you she would easily see passed your sexual performance anxiety.

For whatever reason, she's just not feeling the excitement of you being her partner.

There is nothing you can do about this. She has already wrote you off and moved on and you must do the same.

Find someone that you have a connection with when you're just being yourself. If you feel like you have to posture, pretend, fake it, or entertain her in any way then it will not work.

Find out who you are, then be the best version of that person, THEN begin dating.

[regno]

age 27...and you wrote a dear diary post about your 50 year old ex? Da fuk is wrong with you bro

TLDR

You think this is a diary? Nah man. This is a diary https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showt...hp?t=180358093

[willinguniform0]

what were the red flags

[regno]

what were the red flags

Before I was on the way to pick her up, I texted her and told her to buy some wine. Because I don't know what she likes while I don't have any particular taste. Also, I booked everything, paid for hotel, had to travel with my car that eats fuel like a cow, I wanted her to at least pay for the wine.

When I was on the way, she texted me that she's having serious problems with her work (she sometimes works from her home after work hours) told me that she will be late and asked me to buy the wine instead to save some time.

Since I was in the rush and hurry and I didn't have a vaccine passport, I couldn't enter any of the supermarkets on my way to her. I called her and asked her what should I do because I barely now the city she lives in and I had to find a small supermarket that doesn't require vaccine passport to enter.

And she said that 1 minute with me on the phone caused her more stress than her problems at work. Basically saying that I'm panicking for no solid reason. While in reality, I wasn't. It's just that I was in a hurry.


I have a feeling there were more red flags but this was the only one that she told me about. Or maybe it was just a made up one and she didn't want to tell me the truth.

[willinguniform0]

aight well, if i were you, id thank her for that feedback (it takes some balls to give honest feedback like that) and take it to heart. u can interpret that in many ways but heres how i see it

1. might wanna get a photoshopped CDC card in your phone so a situation like that never happens again
2. think about how you could have caused her stress on the phone and make an adjustment. maybe your tone of voice was bad, or you put her on the spot
3. maybe you shouldnt have bought wine at all, perhaps she didnt want to drink and was tryina give you a hint? maybe she was trying to gauge your reaction

[regno]

aight well, if i were you, id thank her for that feedback (it takes some balls to give honest feedback like that) and take it to heart. u can interpret that in many ways but heres how i see it

1. might wanna get a photoshopped CDC card in your phone so a situation like that never happens again
2. think about how you could have caused her stress on the phone and make an adjustment. maybe your tone of voice was bad, or you put her on the spot
3. maybe you shouldnt have bought wine at all, perhaps she didnt want to drink and was tryina give you a hint? maybe she was trying to gauge your reaction

1. I have a photoshopped CDC. The problem is that all the supermarkets on my way were scanning those CDC's. It's not like a security at the mall takes a look and you're good to go. No, the scanning device is connected to the database and the photoshopped CDC would be invalidated and there's a chance I could've gotten in a legal trouble if caught.

2. This is probably it. But there's nothing I can do about it anymore. The damage is done. But might be a good lesson in the future with another girl if I'll ever find myself in a similar situation.

3. Don't think so. She told me numerous times she enjoys drinking wine.


Anyway, thanks.

[willinguniform0]

holy **** wtf

[Ninshark]

So some of you might remember my post couple months ago where I posted about how my 20 year older ex which I chased for 1.5 years devastated me by rejecting my sincere offer for reconciliation and by showing that's she's happy with someone else and doesn't give a single shiet about me. It took 3 months for me to recover after that. And when I thought things finally start to go my way and that I finally met my new soulmate, I couldn't be more wrong.

Anyway, a month ago, with 0 expectations I met this girl on ******** dating. Lives in another city, 60 miles from me.

We hit it off from the very beginning. Never felt such a strong connection with any girl. Not even with my ex.

We were texting each other every day for hours. The conversation was endless. Very outspoken girl, smart, sincere with real values. Well, at least it appeared so.

After 2 weeks of texting, we met for the first time. I didn't have much time that day so we spent like 2 hours together.

She liked me in real just as much as she liked me via texting. So did I.

Since there was such a strong connection and mutual passion for each other, we decided to go to a spa hotel for our next date since she lives with her female friend and can't invite me to her place.

So 1 week after our first date, we went to a hotel. And this is where things went south real fast.



First of all, she was stressed because she had problems with work that day. Because of that, we got really late to a hotel. I also noticed that I was also stressed a lot from all the rush and hurry. On top of that, it was also probably because my performance anxiety about upcoming sex that kicked in real hard. Also, the room was cold, the heating wasn't working properly, TV did not work and since we got late, the spa was already closed. So the circumstances were really bad for our 2nd date. Anyway, we put some music on her phone, drank some wine and started foreplay, kissing etc. And what do you know, I noticed that I'm having problems getting hard. I thought I'll give it some time, maybe it will get better. We went to the bed, got naked. It didn't get better. I couldn't penetrate her with semi hard cock. And the fact that she didn't want me to lick her V for some bullshiet reason (it turns me on a lot) and she wasn't keen on sucking my cock, that made things even worse.

But she seemed ok that I couldn't get aroused and wasn't hard on me (no pun intended). It wasn't the end of the world for me because it was not the first time it happened to me but it wasn't very pleasant. So we decided to just lie in bed, hugged each other. There was an awkward silence for like 10-15 mins. But I thought I'll give it another try. I started kissing and sucking on her breasts and somehow I got aroused. So I immediately penetrated her and smashed her real hard for like 3 mins and cumming all over her belly and chest. Not the most pleasant sex I imagine. I doubt she even felt anything.


Then we went to a restaurant in that a hotel. I ordered some food and since she's allergic to almost 90% of the food, she only had tea. Anyway, we ate, well I ate, we didn't talk about what just happened but I could see the way she communicated that she somewhat lost attraction to me.

After that, I offered her to stay a night in a hotel with me expecting that in the morning, there's a high chance for a much better sex. But she refused and wanted to go home. Didn't give me a reason. So I took her home. Before she left, she hugged and passionately kissed me. I thought maybe the date wasn't that bad.

So I went home and next day texted her how is she feeling.

Her reply was basically saying that in reality, I appeared very different what she imagined via texts. She said she also noticed a lot of red flags and that even spending couple hours with me on our 2nd date, she believes I'm probably not the right man for her. Although the only difference between 1st and 2nd date was sex and that I was nervous and stressed because of that. But it was obvious she lost attraction to me.

I tried talking sense to her, that the circumstances and everything was against us and we should definitely meet for at least 3rd date but under different circumstances, without any rush, stress etc because the 1st date was ok. So the 3rd date would reveal the truth if we're meant for each other or not. But it appears that she almost made up her mind about me and isn't interested in finding out 100% truth.


Also, she said she deleted tinder and fb dating after our 1st date because of me. But after our 2nd date my friend noticed that she's once again on tinder.



And one last thing. She said that she doesn't want to completely cut off all communication and we can sometimes chat and maybe meet each other for a coffee. Well, what I sense is that I'm being pushed in the dreaded friend zone. And I'd rather die than be friends with a girl.


So, is there any way I can make this work and rebuild the attraction after all this mess? I gotta say, it somewhat devastated me that a girl which was so into me would make such a fast decision only after our 2nd date not taking into account any circumstances and that I was sincerely trying to make the date work.

Also, I'm starting to notice that I'm going the same path that I did with my ex. Showering her with attention, expecting that we'll one day get back together etc. And after 1.5 years dong this with my ex, that turned out to be the worst decision of my life.


Any thoughts, advice? Like stop initiating the convo? Letting her come to me? Or is this a lost cause already?


Thanks. And sorry for the long read.

it was a good read, I read it all. I'm sorry to hear that bro. who knows what's really going on? Her work prob ramped it up and made her completely dry, and prob doesn't even want to date anymore. She prob is just someone prone to anxiety, like has OCD or something, and then work can easily push them over the edge and dry her up. This is def a "it's not you, it's [her]" moment, but this time, it's truthful, because I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong at all. I think you should just leave it alone for a week. Maybe you can check in on her after that, ask her how she's doing, but don't initiate any hang out unless she keeps talking to you. If she just responds with how she's doing, checks in on you, and then let's the convo die, then it's time to move on forever.

[billclintonnn]

Dude you're 27 and dated an almost 50 year old for 1.5 years and then this happens with a girl you don't even know and it's causing you this much anxiety? I think you have deeper rooted issues with yourself.

[skinnyfat88]

We were texting each other every day for hours. The conversation was endless. Very outspoken girl, smart, sincere with real values. Well, at least it appeared so.

After 2 weeks of texting, we met for the first time. I didn't have much time that day so we spent like 2 hours together.

She liked me in real just as much as she liked me via texting. So did I.

Keep texting to a minimum. People who spend too much time texting are desperate for attention/a relationship and need more things going on in their lives than just waiting to meet the next person they're going to date.

The performance anxiety is unfortunate and will take time and a change of mindset to get over. But once you were ready to go you should've taken it slower and made it last IMO. The fact that you just pumped til you came prob made you seem "different" than the personality you created in her mind. But honestly a more mature, empathetic person would not have judged you on that.

Dropping all that money on your 2nd date may also have turned her off and subconsciously made you seem like someone trying to impress her and willing to pay all that $$$ to get her alone so you could smash.

Trying to change her mind makes you look more desperate. Your best bet to regain her interest is to show her you don't need it. But her drastic change in attitude makes me think she has major issues and you're better off forgetting about her and continuing to work on yourself and gain dating experience.

[Tuga88]

You acted like a beta virgin and she lost attraction, simple. Furthermore you drive 60 FUKING miles to go see some girl you'd never met before AND paid for everything.

Tbh the girl sounds like a bit of a nightmare anyway (doesn't suck dik, only drinks tea when you go out to eat, gets irritated on the phone because you asked her a question) forget this bish and move on man.

[regno]

Dude you're 27 and dated an almost 50 year old for 1.5 years and then this happens with a girl you don't even know and it's causing you this much anxiety? I think you have deeper rooted issues with yourself.

We all have issues. Some of us less, some more. The almost 50 year old was my first woman ever in my life. And it was actually a beautiful relationship when we dated. I don't regret anything.

Now the anxiety this girl caused me is because whenever I feel a connection with a girl, even if it's short lived, it fuks me up emotionally when it fails and doesn't meet the expectations. Lack of experience I guess. Also, I realized that after huge emotional crushdown that my ex caused me recently, I was desperate for girls attention, warmth and touch. Basically, I was looking for a rebound. You could say I got it. But it was extremely short lived and ended like any rebound suppose to end.

Keep texting to a minimum. People who spend too much time texting are desperate for attention/a relationship and need more things going on in their lives than just waiting to meet the next person they're going to date.

The performance anxiety is unfortunate and will take time and a change of mindset to get over. But once you were ready to go you should've taken it slower and made it last IMO. The fact that you just pumped til you came prob made you seem "different" than the personality you created in her mind. But honestly a more mature, empathetic person would not have judged you on that.

Dropping all that money on your 2nd date may also have turned her off and subconsciously made you seem like someone trying to impress her and willing to pay all that $$$ to get her alone so you could smash.

Trying to change her mind makes you look more desperate. Your best bet to regain her interest is to show her you don't need it. But her drastic change in attitude makes me think she has major issues and you're better off forgetting about her and continuing to work on yourself and gain dating experience.

Sup man, long time no see lol.

Anyway, although I can definitely say I learned a lot from my previous relationship and especially post relationship, emotions once again overpowered me, I rushed and burned out.

Also, I think you're right that I shouldn't dropped all the money on the 2nd date and went for sex. Should've went slowly and build up the attraction or whatever.

And lastly, my personal experience whatever I have and your confirmation is more than enough for me to cut the contact with this girl and forget about her. Which I already did a week ago. Definitely ain't gonna try to change her mind. If she starts missing me and contacts me (which I don't hope), it will be a nice ego boost.

Thanks once again.

You acted like a beta virgin and she lost attraction, simple. Furthermore you drive 60 FUKING miles to go see some girl you'd never met before AND paid for everything.

Tbh the girl sounds like a bit of a nightmare anyway (doesn't suck dik, only drinks tea when you go out to eat, gets irritated on the phone because you asked her a question) forget this bish and move on man.

We met before briefly. It was our 2nd date. But you're right. I admit there was not a trace of alpha in me on our 2nd date. And yeah, I shouldn't have paid for anything this early and try to smash her.

Whatever, I realize it's all over with this girl. But it doesn't matter. Feeling almost completely healed after 2 weeks.

[skinnyfat88]

Sup man, long time no see lol.

Anyway, although I can definitely say I learned a lot from my previous relationship and especially post relationship, emotions once again overpowered me, I rushed and burned out.

Also, I think you're right that I shouldn't dropped all the money on the 2nd date and went for sex. Should've went slowly and build up the attraction or whatever.

And lastly, my personal experience whatever I have and your confirmation is more than enough for me to cut the contact with this girl and forget about her. Which I already did a week ago. Definitely ain't gonna try to change her mind. If she starts missing me and contacts me (which I don't hope), it will be a nice ego boost.

Thanks once again.

There will be times when a second date is a good time to escalate to sex and times where it isn't. I wouldn't dwell on that part.

Too much too soon & dropping all that $$$ is the big lesson learned here. Just try to look for women near you so the convenience factor allows you to not have to make such elaborate plans to go on a date (I'm guessing the fact she lives an hour away made you want to feel like the time investment on your 2nd date was "worth it" ie opportunity for sex thus you dropped $$$ on a hotel etc etc)

[Darkius]

She broke it off with you because you wanted her to pay for the wine. Nervousness is forgiveable, but not when you are nervous about who pays. Bad sex was just the last straw.

Other women might reject you for spending a lot and looking desperate, but that is not the case with this particular one.


Don't blow your money if it will hurt your finances. She is single because she has food allergies, won't do several sex acts, and expects guys to pay for everything. You can have her back if you offer to take her some place she likes and pay for everything. But it may not be worth it for you. Other women may be nicer and more reasonable.


She made up the work story as an excuse to not buy the wine. Work was normal.


As for going down on her, she probably did not predict that and was not cleaned up. You should have taken a hot bath with her, hugging and making out. You could have spent that time talking about how increadibly sexy her lower body is and how you really want to see it up in your face. 10 minutes of cofidence building. What really works is saying it is for your pleasure not hers, since you really are vusually into this, but that you will try to make it fun for her to. She does not want to owe you a blowjob afterward. Be clear about that.

You can flatter her by being straight up that is what you are up to even if she wants nothing more after. I don't know if she will believe you, but it is worth a try. Be detailed.

So you can text her these things and decide if she looks good enough to be worth spending a lot more money on. Obviously most women are not pretty enough for that, but you said you were attracted to her down there.

[Darkius]

OP,
She told you she likes wine because she wanted you to buy her wine. (She is already not my type just for that. Alcoholics have issues.)

She told you her red flags accurately enough so you could figure out what she wants, but not so accurately you could accuse her of being one sided. You can't fault her for not liking nervousness.

She does not want a repeat of that night but just with a warmer room. She lets you text her just in case you come around. Apparently she is very picky, and you are good looking. She wants a good looking guy who pampers.


Again, she is single for a reason. I doubt she lifts. If you really want to play with a hot body, and can afford it, pamper her some more and have that fun so you are not as sexually desperate with the next one. I don't think this one is long term material.


As for your not liking paying, that is fine if you are good looking. But with your lack of experience, maybe you got to take the pretty woman you can get for now. Older guys wish they could just pay for dates or even pay cash. When you near 40, that might not be enough. They might want lifelong alimony via marriage by then.

So decide how hot she is and how desperate you are, don't spend what you can't afford, but don't make her pay anything just on principle. Get her back for a few nights and then set your standards with someone else.

[Darkius]

Many here hope you focus on confidence and not payment, 1. So they don't have to compete with $$, and 2. Since confidence just might work and set you up for a better relationship.


Do not suggest wine if you don't want to pay for it. Maybe she would have gone with you had wine never been offered. Asking her to pay for it was what bothered her. Hard to say if she wants pampering or is just broke.

Maybe she likes wine but not enough to buy her own. She was just throwing that out there in case you did not mind buying it. Maybe she would have met without it. Or maybe the wine was necessary to lure her. Hard to day.


For every woman who wants to go dutch and is offended if you insust on paying, there is a woman who wants you to pay and wants credit for her offering to pay and wants you to insist over her offer so that you can never say she made you pay.

Many don't want you doing what they don't want, but they also don't want to be blamed for asking for something. They want you to want what they want and say it is really what you want, so they don't owe you anything and don't have to do the work of figuring out what to do. You can get a hotter woman if you are a leader and not a lump on a log. Women will chase super hot guys, but they want regular hot guys to chase them. And they call average guys creepy if they hit on them. Sounds like you are in the middle category in her opinion.

[shreddedloser]

Holy **** these threads are depressing. Is this what dating in 2021 is really like? I guess all you can do is learn from your mistakes.