Mental and Physical Recovery Log

[CBRIT89]

Worked out with a new work colleague today in the office gym. Really good to have some company in there, as I have really bad anxiety when it comes to going into new places where I don't feel I fit in.

Not sure what my weight is atm, but I know I am either at or below my calorie count as I weight everything... even though it's driving my wife a little potty.

I was however hit last night with an absolute storm cloud of depression. It's lifted today, possibly because I didn't actually do any work, and instead sat in the office chatting, sitting silently in meetings, and did 20 miles of cycling.

I needed a mental health break day though.

[CBRIT89]

96.6kg for the weigh in today.

I feel like things are going in the right direction, and think I look better in the mirror than I did. My wife backs that up, but the scales are barely moving.

I don't believe I'm putting on muscle as my lifts aren't really changing. I'm not convinced I'm losing fat either though, as I am only changing in weight by a normal fluctuation.

I hate basing my progress on "it feels like it's going well"

[CBRIT89]

What's the ****ing point of even trying right now. My wife won't touch me since we had a baby, and everything is "baby steps", yet she won't even take a step to actually show affection.

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthier. I want to be happier. That last point is the main one though, and I'm not going to be happier whilst my relationship is ****.

[mtnmama]

i hope that this phase of your relationship and life will pass quickly - the portion that makes you frustrated i mean.

i haven't caught up on everything - but how old is your baby? have your wife's hormones balanced out yet? she may just need more time.

i think if you do what it takes to find your way back to happiness - maybe your wife will see that light in you and find her way back to happiness with you as well?

sorry to hear your situation, honestly - i would rather have just about anything go wrong besides that crucial relationship.

baby time is so tough - and amazing - and tough. most ppl gush about all of the amazing things and don't fess up to the hard times....

hang in there dude - we're here for ya!

[CBRIT89]

My daughter is 13 months old, so it's not like I'm banging at the door after 3 months and throwing a strop. It's been over a year. I've been patient, I've tried to be romantic, do nice things, treat her well. I

I explained all of this to her, how I feel when she leaves me without any feelings of intimacy, and how that affects my life in all areas.

In the following 48 hours, her approach to "fixing things" was sitting next to me on the sofa. Like a 12 year old that's too scared to hold hands.

This is about my daughter now. I can see this morning that she's checking out, and so am I.

[mtnmama]

i'm so sorry. i know this must be terrifyingly difficult.

i wish i had some words of wisdom or understanding for you.

do you have anyone irl you can talk to? besides your wife, of course?

not sure what you believe in - but i'll be sending positive thoughts your way.

[CBRIT89]

Time to put some figures in here. I have posted before about the scales barely moving, but actually that's just because it's been fluctuating so much. The key figures are as follows:

10/10 - 98.2kg
18/10 - 97.7kg
23/10 - 97.2kg
27/10 - 96.8kg
01/11 - 95.8kg

Will start plotting weekly weigh ins from here. I'd like to think i'll keep losing weight for the next 6 weeks, and then maintain as Christmas rolls in. I love Christmas, and I love eating loads, but this year I really need to speak more about my eating disorder and the struggles I have mentally around the food.

Roll on 94kg for a months time when I return to the pool - it's only 1lb a week to get there after all. That would be 0.5% of my body weight every week, so perfectly acceptable loss rate.

[CBRIT89]

Overate yesterday. I had cycled 18 miles, so I may not have overeaten by much. I'm not all that bothered, because I can't keep going at a deficit/maintenance over and over - it'll just lead to a binge at some point.

I'll be hitting the gym later today, and feel fairly enthusiastic about it. I ache, and my back has been causing my issues, but I am definitely up for a good workout.

Keen to do a boxing workout tomorrow night as I haven't worked the bag in over a week.

[CBRIT89]

Did my gym workout, and it felt hard during, but not afterwards - I don't know if I am just recovering really well or something.

I was supposed to go to the office today, which meant a guaranteed 12 miles of cycling, but I couldn't find the motivation to face the 1 degree temperature and dodgy cycling surface. I'll go out at midday instead and do 14-16 miles, and a solid hour.

I won't do the boxing workout tonight as the cycling will be enough for me. I'm trying to cool off a little and prioritise my mental health and relationship a bit more. That'll mean an early bedtime and some reading instead.

10/10 - 98.2kg
18/10 - 97.7kg
23/10 - 97.2kg
27/10 - 96.8kg
01/11 - 95.8kg
04/11 - 95.2kg

Weight is still dropping. I actually saw 94.9 yesterday, which is a bit of a woosh. If I did a 3 week cut then I could see a 92.x for my return to swimming... it's tempting. I'm liking what i am seeing from a muscle perspective though...

[CBRIT89]

Went out for a bike ride. Did 19 miles, and burst into tears. I've been fighting depression and anxiety for so long, and I simply couldn't take it after an hour alone with my brain.

I start anti-depressants tonight and hope that this will be the start of getting better.

[mtnmama]

sometimes that breaking point is like medicine too - don't know how you are feeling now - but hopefully the meds will be just what you need to start your path back to healthy happiness

[CBRIT89]

Felt better yesterday, feel terrible today. I expect the ups and downs for the moment.

Probably going to weigh over tomorrow, as it's been a fairly heavy day of eating due to socialising.

Back to work tomorrow, as I don't want to take time off right now - I'm only doing 3 and 4 day weeks for the next 4 weeks, so I think I'll be ok.

[CBRIT89]

10/10 - 98.2kg
18/10 - 97.7kg
23/10 - 97.2kg
27/10 - 96.8kg
01/11 - 95.8kg
04/11 - 95.2kg
08/11 - 94.85kg

Hit a problem yesterday, as I was overcome with fatigue and exhaustion. This is happening over and over again, and I'm now pushing the doctor for an official diagnosis of ME/Chronic fatigue syndrome. It would explain so much of how ill I have been in the last 18 months since I had covid, which is apparently a trigger for CFS.

[CBRIT89]

Still unwell, barely moving, and don't want to eat. Not in a great place today physically, but mentally I feel so much better than last week.

Weight is continuing to go down as I am not eating properly. I just can't force food into me, and I know any gainz I had made are wasting now.

[CBRIT89]

10/10 - 98.2kg
18/10 - 97.7kg
23/10 - 97.2kg
27/10 - 96.8kg
01/11 - 95.8kg
04/11 - 95.2kg
08/11 - 94.85kg
11/11 - 93.95kg

****s sake. Blown past the 94kg stage in a week thanks to this illness. It's not over yet either, but I do at least think I might eat normally today.

I'm just going to maintain for the next week after I recover. This has absolutely battered me, and I think my body needs some time to recover.

[CBRIT89]

93.85kg today.

I'm eating a cheesecake tonight damnit.

[CBRIT89]

Ate a lot yesterday, trying a bit of a refeed to get my energy levels back up. Nothing is staying in today though.

[CBRIT89]

Currently in hospital after getting another chest infection/chronic fatigue bout.

Workouts have been non-existent this month, and I'm just exhausted.

[mtnmama]

Currently in hospital after getting another chest infection/chronic fatigue bout.

Workouts have been non-existent this month, and I'm just exhausted.

damn dude - i hope they get you straight! this is just so frustrating- for you - i can only imagine.....

i'm pulling for you over here in the mountains

[CBRIT89]

Thanks. I'm out of the hospital today, and 93.65kg when I weighed in this morning.

Haven't worked out in so long, as I've basically been ill all month.

Tentatively looking at starting to workout again middle of next week, but realistically I think it'll be the start of the following week.

[mtnmama]

right on - i effing hate being in a hospital - as a patient.

take the time you need to recover and recoup - weights will be there when you are good.

[CBRIT89]

I'm back. Turns out I had pneumonia, and therefore it's been a longer recovery than expected. I haven't been eating particularly well, and the exercise has been non existent until the last few days.

I've done two heavy bag workouts in the last three days, and am intending to continue an "every other day" boxing routine throughout January.

Weight today: 94.8kg
2022 Aim: 84kg
Need to lose: 10.8kg

Reason for boxing rather than weights is that it's in the minus figures overnight, and my garage gym is FREEZING. I have to do something energetic as the bar and dumbbells are too cold to hold. It'll be like this until February/March, so boxing is the best option for improving my fitness/stamina, and also getting a solid upper body workout.

[CBRIT89]

Went out for 45 minutes on my bike earlier - first time since pneumonia. Felt OK, but very unfit.

Doing a couples workout later, and possibly some heavy bag work. Cut my hand open and need to make sure it's not going to split when I am punching, so plan may change.

Felt really good today to have gotten through without binge eating.

[CBRIT89]

Three days of heavy bag work in the past week is a great start to getting back on it. Christmas Eve today with my family, which means lots of snack food.

I've started off with a protein shake, and a bowl of fruit and yoghurt. Total of 350 calories, which means I still have 2000 for the rest of the day. I'll try and get a core workout in today - at least if I overeat then my muscles will benefit rather than just fat!

[CBRIT89]

Heavy bag day again today. Did the second half (5x 3 minute rounds) with a 15kg weighted vest on. Brutal. It's not just the weight when moving, but the extra heat it generates.

I weighed in at 96kg today, which is no surprise as I've eaten quite a lot and really enjoyed my Christmas. I can't face the restrictions at Christmas, but I've not eaten horrifically badly.

Aim is still 84-86kg long term. I could do that by July if I'm good..

[CBRIT89]

26/12 - 96.6kg
28/12 - 95.05kg

Water weight and undigested food has gone in the last 48 hours. To be just 0.45kg more than I was on Christmas eve morning is really positive for me. I have so much bad food around me from the 24th-27th, and it's really easy to mindlessly eat.

I'm in the New Year weight loss thread with an aim of 86-88kg by April 1st. 7-9kg in 13 weeks is definitely realistic.

[CBRIT89]

26/12 - 96.6kg
28/12 - 95.05kg
29/12 - 94.5kg

That's the last of the Christmas food and water retention gone. I actually weigh less than I did on Christmas Eve morning, so that's a positive!

Milestones:

90.7kg is my next big milestone, as that's 200lbs. I have spent most of my life below 200lbs until the last 3 years, so it'll feel like I'm getting back to where I was.

87.5kg will be the next, as that's what I weighed when I first met my now wife. I had basically zero upper body because I was only cycling back then, so I'm definitely more rounded now.

85kg will then be the final milestone, as that is the lowest I've ever weighed since I started weightlifting / swimming / boxing.

All possible in 2022.

[CBRIT89]

Maintained the 94.5kg weigh in from yesterday, which shows that the trend is in the right direction and it wasn't just a one off low day from dehydration etc.

Went for a short bike ride yesterday as the weather cleared. Back on the weights today.

I'm finding it a little challenging to do weights, boxing, cycling and dad duties, and that'll only get harder when I return to work in 5 days, but I feel confident of keeping things going.

[CBRIT89]

94.7 today, slight rise but means nothing. Finishing 2021 right, and starting 2022 right.

Possibly do some work on the heavy bag later.

[CBRIT89]

Worked the bag yesterday, and woke up today at 95.6kg - a 0.9kg increase. That was a pretty **** way to start the new year. I hadn't even eaten that badly yesterday.

Wondering how much of it is creatine water retention, as I've just done a 3 day load to get restarted.

Went out of the bike today, punctured at 12 miles. Thankfully only 1 mile from home, which was sketchy as hell riding on a totally flat tyre and trying not to let it come off the rim.