Should I end things with this girl?

[yankeesbills55]

Hey everyone, I’m new to the forum and figured this would be a good spot to get some advice.

So I’ve been talking to this girl since November 2020. We met off tinder and instantly hit it off. I’m 22 and she just turned 26. However there are a few things that I just found out about.

I found out recently that she was in a motorcycle accident in October of 2019, and basically died for a few minutes but was brought back to life. I didn’t know about this until we started talking in the first few days. Her tinder profile had pictures of her before her accident, but she did show me photos of herself now since the accident and she looks a bit different, nothing crazy, but she’s a lot thinner and she’s got scars and stuff, I still think she looks pretty so it didn’t have a huge effect on me. She’s in a wheelchair right now and is rehabbing and learning to do basic things like walking and speaking again. She told me she doesn’t have a lot of luck with guys because she can’t do much on her own right now, like bathroom stuff and getting out of bed. She also mentions that any guy she dates has to meet her parents and that turns a lot of them off. I honestly was fine with this because I like her a lot and I think she’s a good person. I want this to work between us.

Now onto the problem, she is very skeptical of even meeting up and doing anything. She’s back home with her parents and they have to do essentially everything for her as I mentioned above. She never has anytime to be by herself and do anything on her own. I offered to bring her coffee and perhaps meet her parents to break the ice and stuff about 2 weeks ago. She said she’d run it by her parents and see what they say, but “to not get my hopes up” because her father is scared of her getting Covid. She still hasn’t brought it up since then and every time I ask to meet up, she says she will see and that it may be a very long time before I even get to hang out with her. She also mentioned that intimate things like kissing, sex, hugging and even holding hands are “off limits” because of her injuries and her parents always being around.

Now lately, she’s been very very distant. We usually are very flirty and talkative when we text and stuff. The last week or so, she hasn’t been saying much and isn’t her usual flirty self. 2 weeks ago, she told me she loves me, then immediately after that she said

“Sometimes I feel like I love you, and sometimes I don’t think I love you, I’m just confused”

Ever since this was brought up, she has been very distant and not saying much of anything. We still talk and stuff, but every time I mention how I want to be with her and have a future with her, she’s said these two things

“Well there’s no one else out there who wants to be with me, so you don’t have competition for me.”

And

“I can’t promise we’ll be with each other forever but in this moment I’m not going to leave you.”

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. The physical aspect isn’t a huge deal for me, because I really do like this girl and think she has a good heart, but if we can’t even hold hands or hug, I feel like the lack of intimacy would make this relationship very difficult. When she says things like this, it makes me feel like she doesn’t want a relationship and is just killing time, but she also calls me “babe” and has told her friends about me and how great I am, and that she told her mother I’m “boyfriend material”. Her best friend even messaged me on Instagram and told me that she thinks I’m the best guy who’s come around in a long time and that her friend has been super happy since we met.

I talked to a couple of my friends for advice, and my one friend thinks that she just wants someone to talk to and not an actual boyfriend, and isn’t interested in anything beyond that.

So I’d like to hear what you guys think I should do, I’m thinking of ending it because I’m at a total loss, but I also think sticking it out with her to see what happens is very possible. I’d appreciate any advice you have a ton everyone.

btw not sure why my age says 51, I'm 22.

[Ninshark]

I think you should just ride this one out, I don't really see any downsides of giving it a shot. Do what your gut says, and just try it out. You're only 22, it's not like you're wasting any time or anything, plus she already warned you not to get your hopes up, so she kinda agreed that she herself shouldn't get her hopes up so if it doesn't end up working out, I think you're safe and shouldn't feel too bad. What would be bad, is if you just get cold feet and duck out and be like literally every other guy she has been talking to (at least that's what it sounds like). That'd really break her. But if you gave it a shot and it didn't work out, can't really fault you there.

[yankeesbills55]

I think you should just ride this one out, I don't really see any downsides of giving it a shot. Do what your gut says, and just try it out. You're only 22, it's not like you're wasting any time or anything, plus she already warned you not to get your hopes up, so she kinda agreed that she herself shouldn't get her hopes up so if it doesn't end up working out, I think you're safe and shouldn't feel too bad. What would be bad, is if you just get cold feet and duck out and be like literally every other guy she has been talking to (at least that's what it sounds like). That'd really break her. But if you gave it a shot and it didn't work out, can't really fault you there.

I appreciate the reply man. We had a good talk and I really do like her a lot, I think the best thing I can do is take things day to day with her and whats meant to happen will happen.

[dolvioblue]

My thoughts are she has a huge wall and barrier up because she wants to protect herself from hurt feelings. She likes to have someone of course but in her mind she may feel nothings going to work out anyways. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine dating.

You are a good person and I’d say you continue to talk and do as your are. I would ask to meet up and plan something because obviously this cannot go on forever. You can ask her the fears she may have also...

[yankeesbills55]

My thoughts are she has a huge wall and barrier up because she wants to protect herself from hurt feelings. She likes to have someone of course but in her mind she may feel nothings going to work out anyways. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine dating.

You are a good person and I’d say you continue to talk and do as your are. I would ask to meet up and plan something because obviously this cannot go on forever. You can ask her the fears she may have also...

I think you are absolutely spot on, I appreciate the compliment by the way man. I do enjoy talking to her and I hope it can work.

Something I should mention as well. She told me her parents don’t want her to be around people because they don’t want her catching covid, but she told me today she’s having friends over, and that it’s okay because they tested negative. I told her I tested negative as well (which I did last week) and she still said it’s not good enough yet. Maybe I’m overthinking it here, but my gut is telling me she doesn’t want a relationship like she supposedly does. I think you’re right, this can’t go on forever.

[skinnyfat88]

What's the timeline on her rehabilitation?

Assuming she expects to make significant strides over the next year or so, IMO this is a bad time for her to try to date and she should wait. If it's up in the air how much more of a recovery she'll make, there's still some things sh has to accept before being able to enter into a healthy relationship.

If you have developed feelings for her and it's not just due to lack of other options/loneliness then you need to be upfront about your needs to progress in your relationship and spend time together in person. Again, if she's not ready for that then she isn't ready for a relationship whatsoever.

[yankeesbills55]

What's the timeline on her rehabilitation?

Assuming she expects to make significant strides over the next year or so, IMO this is a bad time for her to try to date and she should wait. If it's up in the air how much more of a recovery she'll make, there's still some things sh has to accept before being able to enter into a healthy relationship.

If you have developed feelings for her and it's not just due to lack of other options/loneliness then you need to be upfront about your needs to progress in your relationship and spend time together in person. Again, if she's not ready for that then she isn't ready for a relationship whatsoever.

It’s tough to put a timeline on her rehabilitation. I do know right now she’s waking in a ekso skeleton machine during her rehab sessions, which helps her walk and stuff but she’s still in wheelchair. She can’t really talk yet either and from what she’s told me, she can talk in one to two word “spurts” at a time. She can’t walk on her own yet and still is doing exercises to regain strength to do basic things like bend her arms and regain motion.

I don’t know about this kind of stuff, but my best estimation is that it’s going to be a very long time before she really gets back to anything that resembles where she was before, if she can ever get back to that, so I’d guess maybe another year at least.

I believe that she’s got bigger priorities besides dating at the moment and that right now the lack of meeting in person and being able to get to know one another is going to make starting a relationship very difficult. This is definitely something I’m going to bring up with her today.

[goonsondeck]

tbh you should just be fuking other women until she makes up her mind

if she decides its a no then its not a big deal

dont ever ****ing wait for someone especially some broad

[randomuser12345]

so op is getting rejected by a crippled girl who is older, sex is off limits and he has never met. ayyyyyy lmao. Brb getting emotionally devasted when she heals up and leaves you for a guy she is actually attracted too.

be a good soyboy and bring her coffee meanwhile.

[yankeesbills55]

so op is getting rejected by a crippled girl who is older, sex is off limits and he has never met. ayyyyyy lmao. Brb getting emotionally devasted when she heals up and leaves you for a guy she is actually attracted too.

be a good soyboy and bring her coffee meanwhile.

I mean, I do care about this girl and the whole point of me posting here was to get advice before I get too emotionally attached. Perhaps this thing her and I have just isn't meant to happen, but in the end at least I can say I've tried to make an effort to make things work. Nothing more I can do in this situation man.

[randomuser12345]

I'm not trying to bash you. But it sounds meh. Like this girl should be happy to get a guy who cares about her in current condition. And she has audacity to say things like that to you. Ain't your pride getting hurt by such treatment?
I woud go NC immediately.

[yankeesbills55]

I'm not trying to bash you. But it sounds meh. Like this girl should be happy to get a guy who cares about her in current condition. And she has audacity to say things like that to you. Ain't your pride getting hurt by such treatment?
I woud go NC immediately.

I appreciate the reply and advice brother, it means a lot. It sucks but honestly, I have to think of myself and what I want in order to be happy. Today I'm going to let her know this isn't working out the way it is.

[DustinTheHuss]

Please cliff the OP.

[bradlehman]

I hate to suggest this, but it seems worth mentioning: Have you considered that this is a catfishing situation, or has that been ruled out somehow? This whole "I can't meet you in person, and I can't talk on the phone, and I have these horrible injuries" just kinds of screams "mentally disturbed girl (or guy) pretending to be in this situation in order to get attention." The fact that she's suggested she loves you without ever meeting you or even speaking on the phone is an enormous red flag which either suggests the situation is real and she's emotionally messed up or that the situation isn't real and the person is saying that to keep the whole thing alive and escalate.

[yankeesbills55]

I don't wanna be a pessimist or even sound alarm bells but this girl sounds like an emotional train wreck. (No pun intended)

1. She had a near death experience. That stuff leaves mental scars on someone. You sure you're ready to deal with that? Expect anxiety attacks and sudden emotional breakdowns because something you did or she did reminded her of her accident.

2. Meeting parents officially should be reserved for when you guys become a couple. I had dinner with my current girlfriends parents after 4 and a half months of dating. Basically when I started calling her baby and such. I had already spoken with her parents beforehand but informally. This girl you're dating is basically trying to rush you into a relationship setting whereas you'll be less tempted to leave her if you meet her parents. No normal girl does this.

3. She's skeptical of meeting up and doing anything. A significant pillar to any relationship is in-person contact and physical contact. I.e. hugs, cuddles, holding hands and down the road kisses. Why is she against holding hands? The injuries are just an excuse. She can damn well position herself in a way that doesn't hurt her when you hug her or hold her hands in private.

4. “Sometimes I feel like I love you, and sometimes I don’t think I love you, I’m just confused”

Ever since this was brought up, she has been very distant and not saying much of anything. We still talk and stuff, but every time I mention how I want to be with her and have a future with her, she’s said these two things

“Well there’s no one else out there who wants to be with me, so you don’t have competition for me.”

And

“I can’t promise we’ll be with each other forever but in this moment I’m not going to leave you.”

This is just downright weird and insulting. Looking at the timeframe, you guys have been dating for 2 months and you guys haven't even kissed yet. And yet you guys are already talking about love and you are talking a "future". Plus, she is unsure about her feelings for you. To add insult to injury, she mentions how you have zero competition for her so your all she's got. How do you love her after 2 months of little to no physical contact?

Here is my analysis of the whole thing. She's using you for attention and the validation you give her. She's 26 years old and still needs her parents validation to date males. I call bullchit on that. Once she's back on her two feet, she will let go of you and date other dudes. I dont know why no other miscer hasn't told you this yet. She clearly said "in this moment im not going to leave you". You're the best she's got whilst being crippled. She's narcissistic and only cares for herself.

Also, you sound like a major captain save a hoe. This chick is not your girlfriend, wife, sister or even mother. You should have bounced the second you heard she was crippled. You don't owe her chit. I'm sure if you got the details of the accident, we would come to the conclusion that she was being careless. You've got this warped idea that if you date her when shes crippled, she will forever love you when she's healed. She won't. Save your time and energy and please find someone who's not in a wheelchair and someone who's at least willing to hold your hand.

You make very good points and the reply is appreciated brother. I had a feeling once she made the comments about how “in this moment” she was basically saying things are not certain for the future and she’s essentially using me for attention. I agree that she’s 26 and doesn’t need her parents permission for anything. The last few days have been real tough and everyone is saying the same thing that you are. I believe the best thing to do now is to move on from this girl.

[yankeesbills55]

I hate to suggest this, but it seems worth mentioning: Have you considered that this is a catfishing situation, or has that been ruled out somehow? This whole "I can't meet you in person, and I can't talk on the phone, and I have these horrible injuries" just kinds of screams "mentally disturbed girl (or guy) pretending to be in this situation in order to get attention." The fact that she's suggested she loves you without ever meeting you or even speaking on the phone is an enormous red flag which either suggests the situation is real and she's emotionally messed up or that the situation isn't real and the person is saying that to keep the whole thing alive and escalate.

It has been ruled out. Her family and friends post photos and videos of her rehabilitation on Instagram, so I know what she looks like and it’s no different from what I’ve seen.

[yankeesbills55]

I’d like to take this time to say thank you to all of you for the advice. I know I’ve said it a lot already but I really do appreciate the input all of you have given. It’s been a rough couple of days as I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I care about this girl a lot but on the same token, a lot of the things she says and does really make it seem like I’m just here to give her attention and a relationship doesn’t seem like something she wants to prioritize with me.

Today, her and I had a long talk and I decided that I would be moving on from her and broke off contact. Although I do care about her, she has mad it very clear that she doesn’t want to go out or get into a relationship with me. I need to start thinking about myself and what is going to make me happy in the long run, so I decided this was the best thing to do.
She said she was disappointed, but that there’s nothing she can do about it and that’s where we left off. Needless to say I think this is going to be the best thing in the long run when it’s all said and done.