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01-09-2021, 08:43 PM #61
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01-09-2021, 09:29 PM #62
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01-09-2021, 09:45 PM #63
- Join Date: Nov 2009
- Location: Sydney, N.S.W, Australia
- Posts: 12,221
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Chin up OP. My GF left me 3 weeks ago when I noticed red flags. Grabbed her phone and saw she was talking to someone while not answering my calls and telling me she loved me at the same time.
Said a guy in the gym said shes's cute
went to the same gym with her weeks later and avoided me like the plaque and walked out of the gym without me cause he was there.
Bottom line. Cut all contact and become a better version of yourself and they come back.
On New years my Ex before her that messaged me. We talked for about a week then I just stopped talking cause I was over it.
All they do is monkey branch
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01-10-2021, 12:50 PM #64
Thank you all for the responses, I agree with all of you. And it's helped a lot to hear from all of you, I've tried to rep the responses that helped the most. One thing I wanted to clarify:
I want to clarify: I know it's easy to lie on the internet but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that if she broke up with him right now, bought an apartment in my city and begged me to come back to be with her, I would say "no".
She and I only officially dated for about a year. And then a complicated situation came up that forced her and I to break up. There were no other people involved, she didn't sleep with anyone else, she didn't have feelings for anyone else, but because of that break-up, I wouldn't get back together with her in an official manner for two years afterwards. She was loyal to me this entire time, incredibly sweet, and we behaved as boyfriend and girlfriend in a lot of ways. Supported each other in every way we knew how. And she'd tell me she missed dating me, wished we never broke up, she'd talk about how much she dreamed of having a family with me. When she was applying to dental school, she'd ask if we'd get back together if she went to one near me. I always gave her ambiguous answers, not wanting to commit again after that initial break-up that took me by surprise.
Her going behind my back to get with this guy, even if we both finally knew we weren't getting back together, has solidified it in my mind we're not getting back together. I guess I'm mainly posting about all of this because I don't completely know how to go further. If I should keep her in my life, be friends with her, etc. And I'm also trying to interpret her actions, whether she still has feelings, and so on. I'm sure we're not getting back together, but there was so much oddness surrounding that week before she left along with the past several months that it's difficult to fully move on. Have tons of tinder matches on snapchat rn, but I genuinely have no interest in pursuing women for the time being.Dental Student crew
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01-10-2021, 03:28 PM #65
Sorry to hear that bro. I had the same stuff happen. Would be out all night telling she loved me and all that but its just words. Actions always speak louder than words.
Take this as an opportunity to grow and become a better you. Time is a healer man.
But yeah unfortunately she definitely monkey branched and that's usually the reasons women leave. I experienced that chit and they will never come clean either.
Some good advice in the thread.
Listen here mate, speaking from experience. I was in a 6 year relationship, we lived together and shared everything. It was pretty much her that took off, it was kinda random but I suspected something was up at the time.. I was still chatting to my ex girlfriend for around 18 months after as friends, I slept with her a couple of times shortly after the break up and then as time went on things began to die off. Well actually I had noticed a few things that she was clearly dating somebody else. She was a decent person for most part which made the break up more difficult but that's not enough to continue down this path of seeing them. You are flooding yourself with all the memories again and everything else, it just doesn't work bro.
Not contacting each other is the best thing you will ever do. Listen, spare yourself further heartbreak and the feelings. Women like to keep you there as an option and leave you hanging but DO NOT be that guy.
Its time to pull the plug and move on with your life. You will never ever get over it if shes still hanging around, you will forever be in limbo. You are going to get hurt bro. You can take this advice or leave it.
From what I am reading you need CLOSURE. Have that last discussion and call it quits.
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01-11-2021, 02:36 AM #66
Created an account just to reply to this, hope that's not inappropriate. I'm in a similar situation as you are, and I strongly believe that the best thing for you is to cut contact and try to forget her as soon as possible.
Look, she most likely really is a decent person. I don't subscribe to the notion that her being somewhat sexually liberal makes her a bad person. But deep down you know that you two don't belong together for some reason, otherwise you would have gotten back together during that 2 years casual relationship time. However, emotionally, you really like her and most likely even need her on some level. She gave you the validation that you needed and pushed you to become a better man. I believe this is what turokturok5 meant when he said that you're hoping to get back together. Your heart really wants to get back together, even if your mind and your gut don't, and your actions and posts on this thread betray you.
Your heart, mind, and gut being out of sync is part of what creates this confusion within you. You're looking for answers and possibly expect that if you had the right answer, everything would fall into place and you could accept things and have closure. You seem to be a bright person and are used to being able to think over things until you have a satisfying solution. This is *not* the case here. No matter what people will tell you, no matter what she will tell you, you will stay confused. What you need to do now is to accept this and try to move on.
Other posters have pointed out that you're going to stay confused and in limbo if you don't go NC, and I agree with that. You were in a three year sorta relationship (even if the last two years were casual), and it takes quite some time to move on from that (~1 year). Think of the future you in one year's time. Would you like the future you to still be confused and in limbo, questioning things and not having focus? Or would you rather have the future you be over it and working on becoming a better man? The choice is yours. The best way to achieve the first option is to stay in touch with your ex. The fastest way to get to the second option is to cut contact ASAP and try to move on.
If that doesn't convince you, perhaps consider the possibility that you might meet your potential future wife some time in the close future. Do you think the type of woman that you would want to marry would look kindly on a man still in touch with and to some point still emotionally attached to his ex? Would you look kindly on a woman still in touch and attached to her ex?
Please excuse the somewhat esoteric usage of gut, mind, and heart in this post. I'm not usually one to use such analogies, but we have to accept that feelings are complicated and not easily explained in a rational way.
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01-11-2021, 02:53 AM #67
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01-11-2021, 08:18 AM #68
Her end game is simple she wants to lock you back down after experiencing that her current bf has not much of a future in financial career terms. She stayed with you at first hoping you will finally marry, and you said that a complicated situation came up and you two broke up. You are hiding something as well. Why she wanted to help you find new dates at first was simple, she no longer wanted you before. And why she could go for months without contacting you,her current bf was ****ing her everyday cim cip cof that she was too occupied to think of you he was probably doing a much better job than u ****ing her brains out for her to go months of nc on you.
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01-11-2021, 03:36 PM #69
Lol
Maybe he was
Or maybe, just MAYBE she was in a brand new romantic relationship and felt like contacting her most recent ex/love interest of 3 years wasn't appropriate, especially because I'd told her new BF I'd break his jaw if I ever saw him in person (long story there). But she eventually told him that he overreacted and that she wanted to talk to me anyway.
But who knows. There's always going to be a lot of unanswered questions regarding this situation unfortunately, but I'm starting to make peace with that.Dental Student crew
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01-11-2021, 08:01 PM #70
Thank you man, this comment really helped a lot and I appreciate you taking the time to post it. I completely agree with almost everything you said - my heart still loves her, but logically I've known for a long time that she and I aren't meant for each other. If I felt like we were compatible in the very long-term (decades), I would have gotten back together with her within those two years. My parents don't even know she's dating some new now, but they always liked her. They respected her a lot for her academics and intelligence, but I can say assuredly that if they knew of half the situation here, or of her past, their opinion of her would drop immensely. Same would go for my close friends. And some of them have even said that I can do better, that I shouldn't have to put up with the grief that she's put me through.
That's a wonderful point you made about never having complete closure. About expecting to find answers if I think on it long enough, when in reality that simply isn't going to be the case. For so long I poured over my last few weeks with her, trying to see if I could figure out when and why she detached, but I always came up short. I'll never be able to fully understand her mindset and actions - but I think that's okay.
Part of the reason I've been so hung up on her is because it takes me a long time to get attached to people. She was always so surprised when I told her I didn't have any real crushes growing up, nothing beyond a primal lust, but it's the truth. Even when dating her, it took me months before I truly started to become emotionally connected to her, but once that took hold, it wouldn't go away easily. And I think the same for her in many ways. Like I said, prior to me she never went more than two weeks without being in a relationship, but she remained hung up on me for over two years. We both logically knew we'd have to move on eventually, but that's always easier said than done.
Like you said, ultimately I think she's a good person at heart, just with a troubled upbringing and history. And that manifested itself in many ways, but I can't deny that she was a good girlfriend overall. I think it's past time to move on now. I'll always have great memories of being with her, and she'll always hold a special place in my heart - but progress demands I let go of her.
Hope you're able to do the same in your situation.Last edited by severagee; 01-11-2021 at 08:17 PM.
Dental Student crew
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01-12-2021, 03:33 AM #71
u have plenty of options as well like uve said, best to make peace. human aint complicated, we choose what is it in our interests n benefits, more so for women since their bio clock is ticking. its definitely not wise to totally cut off any contact, just keep her around to bang or as whatever you want it to be but not spending too much effort & money. judge a person by what he she does not by those sweet talks
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01-12-2021, 09:45 AM #72
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01-12-2021, 02:32 PM #73
Cutting contact is the cleanest way of ending it. Having said that, both of you will be in the same profession and so may have reasons in the future to have a business relationship, and if she's as smart as you allude to, it might be financially beneficial to you. So, consider maintaining some level of friendly contact for now and then once the two of you have both established practices you can think of getting back together, doing business together, or stay apart. Her relationship with her current BF will soon end, don't jump in and take over that role, concentrate on your own business (studies)
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01-12-2021, 05:27 PM #74
Her new guy is a cuck and she convinced him to let her talk to her ex
she got both you guys fighting it out for her.
shes setting you up for one of those new "shared" relationships, where she shares both of you and your sperm fight it out in her vaginal cavity for dominance.
https://www.glamour.com/story/7-poly...stop-believing
its called polyamory and its all the rage these days
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01-22-2021, 03:08 PM #75
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01-23-2021, 11:14 AM #76
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01-25-2021, 02:59 AM #77
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01-25-2021, 10:41 PM #78
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01-26-2021, 06:35 AM #79
An absolute hell no to that. Sadly, you need to pretend this chick is dead. She should have mentally, emotionally, sexually, and friendship died to you the day she left the day that she chose to leave you and start fking another guy. That is the end of this chapter of your life. Thereโs no going back to a woman after she leaves you and starts fking and sucking on another guy. Sheโs not thinking about you or caring anything about you. Once sheโs done getting her sexual fix then yeah sheโs might compare you to him and want to talk because she doesnโt have that emotional bond and years together yet to form memories. Thatโs when she reaches out to you. My ex did this to her ex with a guy she replaced him with for an entire year. She was done but still wanted the emotional connection. He wanted to be with her like a chump while she was gladly fking her new guy and never going back to him. Eventually he figured out that he was fighting a lost cause and didnโt want to be with her anymore anyways. Only took that chump a year. I cut her off asap when she tried to offer me the same at the end before our crazy end. At least I wasnโt a chump.
You will move on in time. Youโre going to feel like an idiot when you realized you prolonged the pain out as long as you did for no good reason when the end result was going to be the same anyways.
Also you need to realize that even if she does come groveling back after 6 months or God forbid a year that this new guy isnโt going to just fade away. He will probably want her back, and even if heโs not he will have formed some form of an emotional connection that she probably still wants to keep friendship with him at that point. And around and round we go with women like this. Cut her off and tell her you canโt be just friends but you wish her the best and hope she has a nice life. The end.
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01-28-2021, 07:51 PM #80
Thank you all for the help and advice. I've got an update that I need some thoughts on, even though I know what you'll all say.
She just snapped me saying she broke up with the guy. You were all right! Her phrasing was "I broke up with (his name) lol". I did think it was weird when I checked her ******** a couple days ago and she'd taken the new relationship status down. The guy also deleted or deactivated his account, I can't find it anymore.
They didn't make it past the 6 month mark. This dude literally bought a plane ticket and flew to see her every week, constantly took her out for expensive dinners, and had her stay with his entire family over Christmas, and she still found a reason to break up with him.
I felt strangely satisfied when I read this, knowing that I'm still her longest relationship to date and that she wasn't happier with this dude than she was with me. And now I think she wants that emotional connection and attention from me again. She always said we were like "an old married couple", even a year after we broke up.
I've made too much progress in moving on since July of last year. Even if she wasn't 14 hours away, I'd never consider taking her back. She's broken my heart twice, and I have too much self-respect to keep doing this chit. I still think she's a good person at heart, but her absent and drug-addicted father has permanently screwed up her relationship with men. Is what it is.Dental Student crew
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01-28-2021, 09:33 PM #81
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01-28-2021, 09:40 PM #82
I understand the bolded of wanting to know what she's doing and who she's doing it with, but you need to cut that nonsense out asap. Ask yourself....what kind of life is that? Trying to stalk your ex and see who she's fking, and who this person is and what they're doing together, maybe he makes this much money, maybe he's friends with this many people, etc. That's just prolonging the hurt and pain and staying bonded to your ex in a pathetic way.
Yeah you naturally feel good because she didn't upgrade. So what if she had in her mind? Who is she to you to decide that another man is an upgrade over you? Wish her well and don't respond to anything other than being basic and kind and short at most. She made her bed and let her lie in it.
I also think my ex is a good person at heart, but her absent father that she has zero relationship with or respect for has also permanently screwed up her relationship with men. These type of women are just not your project to fix no matter how much you love them.
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01-28-2021, 11:09 PM #83
Thatโs an unhealthy way of viewing relationships. View them as mere compatibility between two different people. That mindset will help as you discover new ones too.
You are not better or worse than the guy before you or the next one. She isnโt the arbiter of the quality of a man.๐ฎ๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ถ, ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐
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01-29-2021, 07:26 AM #84
- Join Date: Aug 2008
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Why do you keep asking for advice if you're not going to take it?
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"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where ..." said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
-LEWIS CARROLL, Alice in Wonderland
Everything popular is wrong.
-OSCAR WILDE, The Importance of Being Earnest
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01-29-2021, 08:09 AM #85
Don't worry, not a chance in hell I'd get back with her after the chit she's pulled. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...that's not gonna be the story of the future mother of my kids. At the end of the day, if this girl is 25 and has dated dozens of dudes, never single for more than 2 weeks since the age of 18, and has never had a relationship last longer than 6 months (except for me), the problems lie with her.
She just snapped me about why she broke up with him. Couldn't stand his lack of ambition, failing grades, low drive, so after he flew up to celebrate her birthday, she broke up with him. Dude deleted his social media and is probably bawling right now while she's laughing about it with her ex. Brutal. I think there's a part of her that will always resent men due to her relationship with her father. Next girl I get serious with will have a healthy relationship with her father; daddy-issues isn't just a meme, it completely screws these women up.
Yep, you are 100% right on the dot with those last 2 sentences especially. And you're right about how I shouldn't let her influence my self-worth. But she was always one of the greatest boosters of my self-esteem, and her saying I'm "more impressive" than this guy right when she started dating him helped more than I'd like to admit. But I get regular compliments and validation from the people who are actually in my life now.
And I completely understand you on stalking her social media. It was a bad habit. I started out checking it daily, to checking it maybe once a week. Part of me wondered why she didn't post photos of her with the new guy. She didn't even post a relationship update until after dating him for 5 months. And then less than a month later, she breaks up with him. I guess I kept comparing her treatment of him with her treatment of me. She regularly posted photos of her and I together while dating, and even after we broke up. Call it a fragile ego, I guess I wanted to think that she viewed our relationship as more serious and meaningful than her's with him.Dental Student crew
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01-29-2021, 09:14 AM #86
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01-29-2021, 10:15 AM #87
You're honestly right. But I haven't been in constant contact with her. She snapped me last night while I was at the gym and then told me about the breakup, and we FaceTimed for an hour a month before that. Otherwise, I haven't been contacting her and she's been initiating everything.
I'm gonna keep the distance. I've gotten used to not having her in my life so I don't feel a need to go back.Dental Student crew
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01-29-2021, 03:47 PM #88
Glad to hear. Honestly I've been in your shoes and long distance just doesn't work even if it's temporary, especially since from the sound of it she's someone that can't stay single. There will always be more convenient guys around and the trust will never return since she's already dated someone behind your back (even if you weren't officially together).
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