sketchy situation with chick. should i trust my gut

[smashedurgfx10]

posted about this girl a couple times before

basically we live away from each other because i work overseas. it's just a casual thing, as of now but she wants it to progress into something more. i've told her repeatedly lets just see how it goes. i havent been home since march due to covid.
we've been keeping in touch through text and speak most days usually. we only started seeing each other just before march, and slept together a few times

we've actually become closer since then despite the distance. i thought at some point it was probably going to fade out, but it's been 9 months and we still both seem pretty excited to meet when im back.

that was up until around 5 days ago, where we had a massive argument. we've argued a handful of times about various things, usually due to her poor communication skills but it was different this time, because it got personal and just felt bitter
The usual root cause is she gets passive aggressive when she doesn't like something rather than being open about stuff, it gets pent up, which leads to me getting pissed and her getting upset, go figure.
She has an anxious personality as well so even the most normal things become a problem in her head.

this time it was because i'd (admittedly) been closed off and wasn't messaging much - as I was going through work issues.
She was laying into me about how she feels shut out etc. despite me telling her i was stressed recently.

she starts the convo first thing in the morning like 'do you want me to stop texting you' (just for context).
from there it gets heated because i feel attacked. i defend my point, and afctually give her examples of where i have made an effort to ask about her and initiate, to which she basically dismisses those and irrelevant compared to her effort
from there i tell her she keeps 'starting mindless drama'. she flips out at that comment and she stops responding.

one of the days we dont talk at all, the following day she replies like 7 hours later after i asked if everything was ok. later i found out she was 'working' with some dude she knows from her old job on a school application, which my gut feels pretty suspicious about.

in any case there was no prioritisation of getting the issue between us solved, and the way she did the whole 'silent treatment' thing really pissed me off

the aftermath from the actual argument itself presented way more red flags to me than what we spoke about. she said she was too upset to speak to me straight away yet she was happy to get other stuff done, like her school application
we eventually spoke through it day before yesterday, but it still feels really sour - and we are barely talking.

im not sure whether i should just stop making any effort at all. my gut tells me she might be seeing other guys. she asked me on the phone the other day 'would you date other people' and after a pause i said 'i'd definitely let you know if i wanted to'.
She said that she wouldn't even consider it because she was really into me but im not sure if i trust that. im thinking she asked me this because she's considering it, and wants to know my reaction/where i am.

part of me wants to not completely ruin it in case im able to come home in the next 2 months but another part of me feels disrespected by a lot of things, mainly her lack of effort and communication.

[Committed2Crime]

posted about this girl a couple times before

basically we live away from each other because i work overseas. it's just a casual thing, as of now but she wants it to progress into something more. i've told her repeatedly lets just see how it goes. i havent been home since march due to covid.
we've been keeping in touch through text and speak most days usually. we only started seeing each other just before march, and slept together a few times

we've actually become closer since then despite the distance. i thought at some point it was probably going to fade out, but it's been 9 months and we still both seem pretty excited to meet when im back.

that was up until around 5 days ago, where we had a massive argument. we've argued a handful of times about various things, usually due to her poor communication skills but it was different this time, because it got personal and just felt bitter
The usual root cause is she gets passive aggressive when she doesn't like something rather than being open about stuff, it gets pent up, which leads to me getting pissed and her getting upset, go figure.
She has an anxious personality as well so even the most normal things become a problem in her head.

this time it was because i'd (admittedly) been closed off and wasn't messaging much - as I was going through work issues.
She was laying into me about how she feels shut out etc. despite me telling her i was stressed recently.

she starts the convo first thing in the morning like 'do you want me to stop texting you' (just for context).
from there it gets heated because i feel attacked. i defend my point, and afctually give her examples of where i have made an effort to ask about her and initiate, to which she basically dismisses those and irrelevant compared to her effort
from there i tell her she keeps 'starting mindless drama'. she flips out at that comment and she stops responding.

one of the days we dont talk at all, the following day she replies like 7 hours later after i asked if everything was ok. later i found out she was 'working' with some dude she knows from her old job on a school application, which my gut feels pretty suspicious about.

in any case there was no prioritisation of getting the issue between us solved, and the way she did the whole 'silent treatment' thing really pissed me off

the aftermath from the actual argument itself presented way more red flags to me than what we spoke about. she said she was too upset to speak to me straight away yet she was happy to get other stuff done, like her school application
we eventually spoke through it day before yesterday, but it still feels really sour - and we are barely talking.

im not sure whether i should just stop making any effort at all. my gut tells me she might be seeing other guys. she asked me on the phone the other day 'would you date other people' and after a pause i said 'i'd definitely let you know if i wanted to'.
She said that she wouldn't even consider it because she was really into me but im not sure if i trust that. im thinking she asked me this because she's considering it, and wants to know my reaction/where i am.

part of me wants to not completely ruin it in case im able to come home in the next 2 months but another part of me feels disrespected by a lot of things, mainly her lack of effort and communication.

cliff-- Op's gf ignores him for a day and does hw with other dude-- Op suspicious of her


one day is nothing brah, unless she's a whore, she's probably not doing anything. If she is a whore, it was ur fault from the beginning lol

[smashedurgfx10]

cliff-- Op's gf ignores him for a day and does hw with other dude-- Op suspicious of her


one day is nothing brah, unless she's a whore, she's probably not doing anything. If she is a whore, it was ur fault from the beginning lol

-she isn't my gf, she's a girl i smash when im home who wants to be my gf
-read the thread
-we've been talking pretty much daily for 8 months, so in the scheme of things even if it was 1 day it'd be odd
-i dont trust her, hence why she isn't my gf, and hence why im assuming she's seeing other guys anyway

-go back to misc

[dolvioblue]

She wants to be your GF and you don’t want her to be. She’s free to do whatever she wants and this isn’t sketchy at all. She’s probably moving on.

[Kev1972]

Haven't seen girl in 8 months.

Has delusions she's been faithful.

LMAO!

[skinnyfat88]

1. You don't trust her.

2. You talk all the time and it leads to arguments.

This seems to be emotionally draining for you OP and not worth it. Go NC.

I would also add that calling is a way better form of communication, especially once you've been seeing each other that long, as people can misconstrue tone/timing/length/etc of texts and the negativity can spiral out of control.

[smashedurgfx10]

firstly appreciate the replies.

She wants to be your GF and you don’t want her to be. She’s free to do whatever she wants and this isn’t sketchy at all. She’s probably moving on.

i agree and you're most likely correct. however i made it explicitly clear to her that i want to 'see where it goes' i didn't say no i dont want to (although in my head im far from convinved about her) but I said i want to give it more time, as we've only met up a few times in person. She seems to think talking for so long is a substitute for in person time which it really isn't.

Haven't seen girl in 8 months.

Has delusions she's been faithful.

LMAO!

Im not deluded about this at all. In fact I never expected her to be, right from day 1. But the way she talks to me and messages and through her actions (right up until recently) indicate fully that shes into me, which surprised me a lot. Even after all this time.

But yes in my head, logically, i know the chances that she HASN'T been seeing at least one other guy in all this time, are extremely small. This is why i never let myself get 'oficially' involved with her, because at least then i wouldn't be cheated on.

1. You don't trust her.

2. You talk all the time and it leads to arguments.

This seems to be emotionally draining for you OP and not worth it. Go NC.

I would also add that calling is a way better form of communication, especially once you've been seeing each other that long, as people can misconstrue tone/timing/length/etc of texts and the negativity can spiral out of control.

I agree with you on all points.

I would say for the first few months it was mostly good, say 80% good 20% bad, then the percentage shifted as the months went on without us seeing each other.

We both agreed that if she had called the other day rather than texted her issue, none of this would have happened. Up until that day - it was all fine between us, it's since then it's gone bad. After arguments we've had before its usually resolved the same day and we're back to normal immediately

[smashedurgfx10]

I don't wanna come to conclusions but I highly doubt that this situation is going to resolve itself. Why am I saying this? Well in the back of your mind you're expecting her to have been faithful to you for the past 9 months without her actually being officially your girlfriend. You might not claim that she's your GF but subconsciously you see her as your GF. Plus, her lack of communicational skills is another major red flag that should be avoided imho. It's a sign of immaturity. Also you just said you don't trust her. So why does it bother you that she might have been seeing other guys? You clearly said she's not you gf.

Going off of what I wrote in the prior paragraph, there is nothing sketchy here. You guys are not a couple and are not "officially" dating. You can't expect her to be loyal and faithful if you're just banging her. She might have met another dude who unlike you is actually interested in dating her. In my honest opinion, she's just trying to lay you down easy. She knows you're coming back and she doesn't wanna give you the impression that she wants to see you in a nice way. I.e. her being wishy washy in her texts and subtly mentioning the other guy "helping" her. He's helping her alright. Helping her by rearranging her guts.

I don't wanna sound like I'm being a negativist but you just gotta accept the fact that 9 months is a long time and if you're not a couple you cannot expect her to stay faithful to you. She's only gonna get more wishy washy as the day you come back approaches. She asked you that question regarding dating other people because she's doing exactly that. You simply gave her a "relationship-type" answer and she must be feeling guilty which is why she's not giving it to you straight. I remember dating a girl who only dated me because I was happy with her but she wasn't. She didn't wanna make me unhappy. She must be the same kind of girl. She doesn't wanna break your heart.

Here is what you should do: You're gonna text her the following: Hey, I wanted to be direct and frank with you and I want you to also be direct and honest with me. Have you been seeing other people and do you think there is future with us? I'm getting a lot of mixed signals and am having a hard time understanding your position. I consider you as a gf but at the same time I don't because I'm having a hard time trusting you due to your communicational skills. So please, just lay it out straight to me so I can make an educated decision for our future.

i appreciate you made the effort to write a detailed response
but i think you misunderstood the situation

she really wants to be with me, not the other way round.
i agree there is potential that in my head im treating her like a gf, but frankly, i've only been lead there because she acts like one so over time my guard has slipped a bit

when she asked that question 'would you date anyone else', her perspective was wanting me to say i wouldn't. I know that because ive been interacting with her all this time.
I didn't say i wouldn't because that would be too relationship-like. I just told her i'd let her know if i wanted to. she was the one who said she wouldn't want to.

I don't expect her to be faithful, but my issue is that she tells me she is. she says i dont want to see anyone else (because im that into you). I don't see why she'd lie - because she wouldn't be doing anything wrong by sleeping around, it isn't cheating.
maybe on a subconscious level she knows it'd turn me off to know that she slept with another guy, that's why she doesn't tell me. But frankly speaking id really respect the honesty if she did.

but yeah i have to admit, im not sure i'd want to keep seeing her if i knew she was seeing someone else. not cos she is doing anything wrong, but just cos it doesn't sit right with me. feels weird

and i think that's my major hangup

how can i go home and hang out and smash this girl, if she has (potentially) been lying to me? Even lying by omission. but it isn't that, because she's told me that she doesn't want to see anyone else. so it's straight up lying.

In these 9 months, there's only been 2 or 3 brief occurrences where i've been really suspicious because her communication pattern has changed abruptly, but it usually returns to normal after a short time.

i feel conflicted because if she has been with someone, chances are her attention to me would have reduced considerably - but it hasn't.
on the other hand, my gut is telling me there's no way a decent looking girl WOULDN'T have slept with anyone over a 9 month period

but then again it's been lockdown and hard to meet people. i feel very conflicted tbh

[Austin317]

Tough one OP. In an ideal world she hasn’t done anything behind your back, you get back home and the arguments stop because you’re now seeing eachother regularly etc. From my experience when the arguments start it’s usually downhill from there. Everything is entirely situational so you could very well get home and you could both stop arguing and things could change then things may be perfect for you.

On top of the arguments you’re having you also have doubts about what she’s been doing at home when you’re not around. If she was your girlfriend and you both called eachother boyfriend/girlfriend then yeah maybe 9 months she hasn’t been with anybody else but with no label on what you two are I’d have said the dude she did work with did some work on her too. Yano technically she’s not in the wrong because there was no label or exclusivity between you two because you didn’t want it but on the other hand if you have been speaking this constant for 9 months I’d expect her to not go fukkin someone else.

It’s a tough one op but if there’s no feelings for you and you’re not gonna be hurt from leaving then I’d get out of the situation. It might turn out she finds out in 5-6 months time you’re home then messages you trying to re kindle something. If she never messages you again there’s no loss there either really. At that point the ball’s in your court.

[smashedurgfx10]

Tough one OP. In an ideal world she hasn’t done anything behind your back, you get back home and the arguments stop because you’re now seeing eachother regularly etc. From my experience when the arguments start it’s usually downhill from there. Everything is entirely situational so you could very well get home and you could both stop arguing and things could change then things may be perfect for you.

On top of the arguments you’re having you also have doubts about what she’s been doing at home when you’re not around. If she was your girlfriend and you both called eachother boyfriend/girlfriend then yeah maybe 9 months she hasn’t been with anybody else but with no label on what you two are I’d have said the dude she did work with did some work on her too. Yano technically she’s not in the wrong because there was no label or exclusivity between you two because you didn’t want it but on the other hand if you have been speaking this constant for 9 months I’d expect her to not go fukkin someone else.

It’s a tough one op but if there’s no feelings for you and you’re not gonna be hurt from leaving then I’d get out of the situation. It might turn out she finds out in 5-6 months time you’re home then messages you trying to re kindle something. If she never messages you again there’s no loss there either really. At that point the ball’s in your court.

i agree that's the ideal scenario.
well the arguments actually began as soon as lockdown began.
i think that made her anxiety really bad so every small thing became amplified. so yeah we've been having sporadic arguments since march, but usually it gets solved quickly and its fine. nothing like this one.

i'd also agree in the sense that constant communication for 9 months is indicative she probably hasn't been seeing anyone. i have every faith she has the COMPETENCY to manage multiple guys, she's pretty smart and knows how to manipulate people (sounds like a prize doesn't she), but i simply think she wouldn't have the time or energy to do so - because we've been talking so much. it'd be too much effort for her to balance. and being a girl, if she was getting dicked down to at least a minor level of competency - by now she really wouldn't be into me all that much, given i haven't seen her in so long. a girl isn't gonna smash someone consistently and stay in touch with old flings like she is

with regard to the last thing you said, im considering doing the exact opposite. because i dont care that much overall, im tempted to just stick it out (despite her being distant recently) but not sever ties - on the basis i will be home soon and we can pick it up
worst case scenario she doesn't want to meet (although i think that's unlikely), or otherwise we will smash a couple more times and then i'll break it off

for me it seems stupid to cash in all this effort of staying in touch for months for zero reward.

[InsanePain11]

It may be dangerous where you are heading in this situation brah, imo.

She likes you, she clearly wanted you to commit according to her words. You aren’t willing to, but at the same time it seems like you like her and possibly are getting a bit attached even if you aren’t aware yet.

The trouble here, imo, is that you are leaving grey area by not committing. You’re expecting to use her how you want and to have her stay attached to you without having commitment. You’re expecting her to be exclusive to you but without being official. This left the door open for her to explore other options (not that she wanted to, but felt she had to). Just guessing but I think it’s really likely she’s exploring other options, probably with the study buddy guy. There’s a chance he’s not nailing her yet but trust me, if she’s attractive at all he wants to, and she is at the very least venting to him about you and using him as backup attention, but maybe more.

This is a dangerous game you’re playing, especially if you really like her and have feelings for her. Because if you do realize you like her a lot and decide you want a relationship, she may already be seeing another guy, and honestly it’s her right since you’ve left that door open. If you come back and find out she’s moving on, it will hurt. If you don’t give a F, then no worries. But you can’t expect her to be in love with you forever when you won’t commit.

[Hypernation]

OP:

There is zero reason for all of these drawn out responses in here.

You have a side piece who is now becoming a headache.

Kick her to the curb and move on.

Why is this so difficult?

You’re welcome.

[InsanePain11]

OP:

There is zero reason for all of these drawn out responses in here.

You have a side piece who is now becoming a headache.

Kick her to the curb and move on.

Why is this so difficult?

You’re welcome.

It may be difficult because he cares about her more than he thinks. Which is part of the reason he made the thread, hence the responses.

But op, if you don’t care and are ready to move on from her, take this guys advice above.

[skinnyfat88]

Yeah as much as we can nitpick about what appear to be yellow or red flags, the biggest issue may be that you have been casual for many months and she wants a commitment and this may be a cause for many of her frustrations.

Gotta take the leap or cut bait.

[billclintonnn]

I get what you're going through because I'm going through the same thing. I think you could see her as a potential GF, but she is failing some of your tests. Which I had saying tests only because I think it's immature, but you have to test someone in order to be serious with them. I do agree with the other posters that everyone lies, but the problem with lying is if you make a minor lie, you WILL lie about larger things. Just the way it is. The current girl I'm seeing I could see being a GF, but pulls some of the same chit as your girl does. I feel like all women do this. I've asked her about if a guy came in her and she lied and said no. But she was begging me to jizz in her which didn't make sense to me. She came out and told the truth which IDGAF that it happened I cared that she lied to me. Something in my gut says to not continue with her (other reasons) and in your case if your gut says it you should probably follow it.

[smashedurgfx10]

It may be dangerous where you are heading in this situation brah, imo.

She likes you, she clearly wanted you to commit according to her words. You aren’t willing to, but at the same time it seems like you like her and possibly are getting a bit attached even if you aren’t aware yet.

The trouble here, imo, is that you are leaving grey area by not committing. You’re expecting to use her how you want and to have her stay attached to you without having commitment. You’re expecting her to be exclusive to you but without being official. This left the door open for her to explore other options (not that she wanted to, but felt she had to). Just guessing but I think it’s really likely she’s exploring other options, probably with the study buddy guy. There’s a chance he’s not nailing her yet but trust me, if she’s attractive at all he wants to, and she is at the very least venting to him about you and using him as backup attention, but maybe more.

This is a dangerous game you’re playing, especially if you really like her and have feelings for her. Because if you do realize you like her a lot and decide you want a relationship, she may already be seeing another guy, and honestly it’s her right since you’ve left that door open. If you come back and find out she’s moving on, it will hurt. If you don’t give a F, then no worries. But you can’t expect her to be in love with you forever when you won’t commit.

i agree with you in the sense im getting more attached, but i think that's just because of the constant communication. over time the investment has been there, and with covid and lockdowns, i really havent been seeing any other girls because nothing has been open.
in my mind she's still the same girl she was before, it's simply just the time spent invested which is skewing my mind i think.

i also agree with your second point in that it isn't fair of me to expect her to stay exclusive without giving her commitment. my point is that she is telling me she isn't/wouldn't see anyone, which i find really hard to believe. if she didn't say anything at all, id' have no issue and just assume she was, but she makes a point to tell me she isn't which really gets me suspicious.

back in march, i had always planned to break this off after a few months. i usually go home once a month for about a week - so i wanted to smash a few more times and call it quits. it's dragged on so long and it was never my intention, but im at the point now where i feel like it would be a waste if i didn't at least see it through until we meet again.

OP:

There is zero reason for all of these drawn out responses in here.

You have a side piece who is now becoming a headache.

Kick her to the curb and move on.

Why is this so difficult?

You’re welcome.

you make a good point. i think what's keeping me is the crazy sex
there's a few things i wanted to do with her before i called it quits. back in march, i thought this pandemic was gonna last at tops maybe 2-3 months, so i kept talking to her. if i'd known it would last until now, then i'd have probably broken it off sooner.
i simply just want to bang a few more times and break it off.

Yeah as much as we can nitpick about what appear to be yellow or red flags, the biggest issue may be that you have been casual for many months and she wants a commitment and this may be a cause for many of her frustrations.

Gotta take the leap or cut bait.

i agree she might be frustrated about this - but is it really realistic..? we've been talking a lot but im not about to be 'official' whatever that means with someone, having barely seen them in person.

I get what you're going through because I'm going through the same thing. I think you could see her as a potential GF, but she is failing some of your tests. Which I had saying tests only because I think it's immature, but you have to test someone in order to be serious with them. I do agree with the other posters that everyone lies, but the problem with lying is if you make a minor lie, you WILL lie about larger things. Just the way it is. The current girl I'm seeing I could see being a GF, but pulls some of the same chit as your girl does. I feel like all women do this. I've asked her about if a guy came in her and she lied and said no. But she was begging me to jizz in her which didn't make sense to me. She came out and told the truth which IDGAF that it happened I cared that she lied to me. Something in my gut says to not continue with her (other reasons) and in your case if your gut says it you should probably follow it.

she has a lot of red flags imo, which outweigh her good qualities
and she's very good at putting on an act to cover them up.

ive known her for a long time and some of these flags came up in the past, before we started seeing each other so i have the advantage of foresight.
i dont think i will ever 100% trust her and for that reason it'd never work. or at the very least it would take consistent time in person. but all the texts and skype calls in the world aren't gonna convince me