Emotionally flat

[hawkshade]

My girlfriend says that I am emotionally flat. That I lack emotion and don't ever respond to anything. Everything is just ok. This is becoming a problem for our relationship and I'm not sure how to go about this. She thinks I have some past trauma that I need to deal with.

I'm a middle child and normally I was given hand me downs from my brother. Most of the attention was given to my sister and my brother. I honestly think this may be the reason but idk. My mother has also told me that I rarely if ever cried as a baby/child. Since I was kid, I never reacted emotionally to things, well negatively at least. My friends have also noticed that nothing ever seemed to bother me. I remember my uncle died and I definitely cried for that. I also remember crying when I was overwhelmed with work and school to my mother during a breaking point.

I don't think that I lack emotion. I usually express my emotions through actions such as laughing, hugging, touch, and obviously some facial expression. But I usually don't get upset about things. For me, it's like **** happens man. Idk what I'm asking I just want some outside perspective.

What should I do to change? Should I change if that is my state of being?

[skinnyfat88]

Sounds like nothing is wrong to me.

If you're genuinely happy, and happy in your relationship, and able to express it accordingly she needs to understand your natural demeanor rather than you try to change for no reason.
But if you feel like your life lacks passion then perhaps there's some things you need to find to ignite the fire.

[Custo]

I got this form my ex,

She was the problem not me.

Women say they want an emotional man, protip. They dont.

[OlHoss]

First of all, props to your girlfriend for actually communicating her problems with you. You should cherish that fact because it shows you that she still cares about you and hasn't decided to emotionally check herself out of the relationship. She's a keeper.

I'd say talk about it with your girlfriend and see what you can do to express your emotions better. There's nothing wrong in you being more sensitive in life. However, don't fake it. This is where communication is key. Girls from what I've seen love to feel emotions and if you're not igniting that flame they will lose interest. One way I ignite that flame with the girl im dating is by having deep conversations with her at the end of the day. Tell her how im lucky to have met her and stuff like that. It does wonders trust me. If you can make them cry out of joy you've essentially won. I'm just like you, I show little to no emotion. However, im working on expressing myself more.

Also don't listen to the miscers telling you to not be a little bit more emotional. Emotional does not equate to being non-masculine. You need that perfect balance. If youre afraid of losing your girl because you cried in front of her, you're probably dating the wrong person. Best of lucks. Remember communication is key here. Ask her what you can do. Build a game plan with her and support each other. It'll make the bond stronger trust me.

I think I may have this problem as well. Reps to you brahs for the advice and question...

Unfortunately I don't have the answers here, but a few thoughts:

- I've read that some personality tests (they can be sketchy, I know), break extraversion into two subcategories: assertiveness and enthusiasm. To an extent, I think this lack of "emotion" is ingrained and just comes down to how, and how often, you express emotion

- To compare and contrast my situation with yours OP, I'm an only child so I don't think attention as a kid is necessarily the issue. Never had any serious trauma, although I suppose that's hard to define

- On another note, we differ. I've always showed very little enthusiasm (see above), yet I've had a hot temper which can get really bad at times. As an example of the enthusiasm thing, if I achieve something significant people will sometimes ask me if I'm even excited about it since I don't tend to show those emotions, and frankly feel them much weaker than I suspect most people do. I think this point may be caused by always feeling I can do better, which translates into a lack of satisfaction with most achievements

[etet1919]

My girlfriend says that I am emotionally flat. That I lack emotion and don't ever respond to anything. Everything is just ok. This is becoming a problem for our relationship and I'm not sure how to go about this. She thinks I have some past trauma that I need to deal with.

I'm a middle child and normally I was given hand me downs from my brother. Most of the attention was given to my sister and my brother. I honestly think this may be the reason but idk. My mother has also told me that I rarely if ever cried as a baby/child. Since I was kid, I never reacted emotionally to things, well negatively at least. My friends have also noticed that nothing ever seemed to bother me. I remember my uncle died and I definitely cried for that. I also remember crying when I was overwhelmed with work and school to my mother during a breaking point.

I don't think that I lack emotion. I usually express my emotions through actions such as laughing, hugging, touch, and obviously some facial expression. But I usually don't get upset about things. For me, it's like **** happens man. Idk what I'm asking I just want some outside perspective.

What should I do to change? Should I change if that is my state of being?

If you're just being yourself around her, then no, you shouldn't change.


I'm betting she's "insecure" about how your relationship and how you truly feel about HER. You didn't mention anything in this post about how you feel about her. She's probably wondering if you are in love with her. Think about that.

[GodlessWonder]

My girlfriend says that I am emotionally flat. That I lack emotion and don't ever respond to anything. Everything is just ok. This is becoming a problem for our relationship and I'm not sure how to go about this. She thinks I have some past trauma that I need to deal with.

I'm a middle child and normally I was given hand me downs from my brother. Most of the attention was given to my sister and my brother. I honestly think this may be the reason but idk. My mother has also told me that I rarely if ever cried as a baby/child. Since I was kid, I never reacted emotionally to things, well negatively at least. My friends have also noticed that nothing ever seemed to bother me. I remember my uncle died and I definitely cried for that. I also remember crying when I was overwhelmed with work and school to my mother during a breaking point.

I don't think that I lack emotion. I usually express my emotions through actions such as laughing, hugging, touch, and obviously some facial expression. But I usually don't get upset about things. For me, it's like **** happens man. Idk what I'm asking I just want some outside perspective.

What should I do to change? Should I change if that is my state of being?

Sounds like you're a stoic. Not dwelling on the negative emotions and enjoying positive moments. You're fine.

[Beararms]

Never ever change yourself if there is nothing wrong with it. You are just very quiet and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I have heard that a lot about myself.

[littlemissy]

Sounds like there's something else that's underlying. Don't see how the emotionally flat part of not getting upset is a negative.

Do you both speak the same 'love language' sounds really stupid but it's a real thing.

Currently have a pair of friends of mine going through marriage counseling bc they speak different love languages so both of them do no think they are 'fulfilled'.


Her love language is : quality time - words of affirmation

His love language is : gifts & acts of service

She feels like all he does is ignore her and he thinks that bc he pays for things she has nothing to complain about. Down fall is... she isn't materialistic.. AT ALL. Literally completely does not care about 'things'. And for him.. He wants her to be a happy house keeper - cook him meals and clean and basically leave him alone lol.

[MyBaddBrah]

Do you feel drained at the end of your workday? A lot of people get used to burying their emotions. This will cause you to put forth a ton of energy to not feel things, leaving you exhausted by the end of the workday/workweek. If you're laughing it's a good sign. Also depends on what you don't get angry at. A lot of people are morons and get mad at too much.

[Zackad]

Sounds like there's something else that's underlying. Don't see how the emotionally flat part of not getting upset is a negative.

Do you both speak the same 'love language' sounds really stupid but it's a real thing.

Currently have a pair of friends of mine going through marriage counseling bc they speak different love languages so both of them do no think they are 'fulfilled'.


Her love language is : quality time - words of affirmation

His love language is : gifts & acts of service

She feels like all he does is ignore her and he thinks that bc he pays for things she has nothing to complain about. Down fall is... she isn't materialistic.. AT ALL. Literally completely does not care about 'things'. And for him.. He wants her to be a happy house keeper - cook him meals and clean and basically leave him alone lol.

lmao this sounds like me and my ex's relationship to a tee.

OP look up emotional neglect. My ex called me out for being victim to it and guilty of it, and after reading about it a little bit, it seems to fit me to a tee. Might be up your alley as well. IDK how to use that knowledge to improve things, but it's helped me understand myself a bit better about how I behave and why. 2 sides to it...how you might have suffered from it as a child due to your parents, and how it translates into your adult life and how you deal with people/situations.

might just be hokey pseudoscience BS, but it fits to a tee.