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  1. #1
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    Exclamation Dealing with cognitive dissonance after a relationship?

    Has anyone had this experience?

    It's clear and obvious that my ex girlfriend was not good and i dodged a bullet. But how do I get rid of the cognitive dissonance.

    What i mean is during our short relationship my ex treated me amazingly. She would pay for me, she would offer to buy me jumpers / clothes and would buy me gifts. She would bake me cookies. She was extremely affectionate and caring. I think it was just her thing, she was a real people pleaser. She would literally do anything i say. If i told her to jump she would. I remember she drove 2 hours back to my house just to get my glasses that i forgot so i could watch a movie with her. She would also NEVER speak up. If i was doing something that annoyed her she wouldn't say until days later.

    In hindsight, as i've matured i realized that all these things are great but i don't think that's normal to have in a relationship ? I guess i've been accustomed to that but do you think that's not normal behavior? I've only had 1 relationship.

    But it's just such a head **** when a girl treats you s well yet you know she is not a "good girl" or even girlfriend material.

    Sometimes i stalk the guy she is dating and i wonder is she buying him clothes? is are they watching netlix? And i get a little envious even though i shouldn't because i know she is extremely mentally damaged and has a tonne of red flags.


    So my questions are

    a) How do i break the cognitive dissonance?

    b) Is this normal in a relationship for someone to do this and to act this way? to be extremely submissive?
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  2. #2
    Self is all; All is Self. WiseOldApe's Avatar
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    Could have been a control thing brah
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    did. not. read. looool
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    Get help.
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    Registered User skinnyfat88's Avatar
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    How many threads have you made about your ex?

    No it's not normal/sustainable.

    The misc can't help you man you need therapy.
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    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    a) How do i break the cognitive dissonance?
    Stop making the same thread over and over but just wording it differently, that would be a good start. If you were truly over your ex as you claim then you wouldn’t be making these threads or going into so much detail about how she behaved etc.

    MOVE ON
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    inb4 the inevitable outcome of OPs life

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    Originally Posted by cannon300 View Post
    Stop making the same thread over and over but just wording it differently, that would be a good start. If you were truly over your ex as you claim then you wouldn’t be making these threads or going into so much detail about how she behaved etc.

    MOVE ON
    But how do I get over the cognitive dissonance?
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    Originally Posted by skinnyfat88 View Post
    How many threads have you made about your ex?

    No it's not normal/sustainable.

    The misc can't help you man you need therapy.
    but she treated me so well man she was the best gf but she was low quality women so waht do i do?
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    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    but she treated me so well man she was the best gf but she was low quality women so waht do i do?
    You need to learn about masculinity and abundance and stop being a little beta bitch.
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    Move on bro. Just a filthy little cum dumpster anyway who cares
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    Therapy fr
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    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    but she treated me so well man she was the best gf but she was low quality women so waht do i do?
    wot?

    Have higher standards/stop putting women on a pedestal.
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  14. #14
    Registered User MuzzieChik786's Avatar
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    So you are trying to find fault in a girl that respected you enough to treat you like a man with this thread?

    Lol, it's true, people are never happy even if they lived in palaces made of gold.
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  15. #15
    Banned sandman2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MuzzieChik786 View Post
    So you are trying to find fault in a girl that respected you enough to treat you like a man with this thread?

    Lol, it's true, people are never happy even if they lived in palaces made of gold.
    ??

    Suppose you met a man who treated you wonderfully but he did drugs, told you he slept with 100+ girls, had tattoos, dressed poorly, posted half naked photos on instagram and had very LOW iq
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    Registered User MuzzieChik786's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    told you he slept with 100+ girls, had tattoos, dressed poorly, posted half naked photos on instagram and had very LOW iq
    According to your OP, you did not list these as issues with that girl.

    DID she have lots of sexual partners?
    Did she dress poorly?
    Did she post half nude pics on social media?

    Your definition of her "faults" were:

    She would pay for me, she would offer to buy me jumpers / clothes and would buy me gifts. She would bake me cookies. She was extremely affectionate and caring. I think it was just her thing, she was a real people pleaser. She would literally do anything i say. If i told her to jump she would. I remember she drove 2 hours back to my house just to get my glasses that i forgot so i could watch a movie with her. She would also NEVER speak up. If i was doing something that annoyed her she wouldn't say until days later.
    Are you frackin' kidding me? lmao.

    Good job not providing details and making her sound like a perfect girl then getting pissed off when we question your logic in leaving her.

    Idiot.
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  17. #17
    Registered User Imnew1's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MuzzieChik786 View Post
    According to your OP, you did not list these as issues with that girl.

    DID she have lots of sexual partners?
    Did she dress poorly?
    Did she post half nude pics on social media?

    Your definition of her "faults" were:



    Are you frackin' kidding me? lmao.

    Good job not providing details and making her sound like a perfect girl then getting pissed off when we question your logic in leaving her.

    Idiot.
    Lol sandman pwned. One post she’s the best, then the next she was a total whore........how many more months are you gonna do this to yourself vs getting help?
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    Registered User MuzzieChik786's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Imnew1 View Post
    Lol sandman pwned. One post she’s the best, then the next she was a total whore........how many more months are you gonna do this to yourself vs getting help?
    Exactly. What's funny is he never said she was a wh0re. He never provided any evidence she was. His only complaint that we know of was that "she was too perfect."

    That reminds me of the news story of some Arab/South Indian wife who asked for a divorce from her husband because he'd never fight/get mad at her.

    People are batchit crazy I tell you. lmao.
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  19. #19
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    Originally Posted by Imnew1 View Post
    Lol sandman pwned. One post she’s the best, then the next she was a total whore........how many more months are you gonna do this to yourself vs getting help?
    Originally Posted by MuzzieChik786 View Post
    Exactly. What's funny is he never said she was a wh0re. He never provided any evidence she was. His only complaint that we know of was that "she was too perfect."

    That reminds me of the news story of some Arab/South Indian wife who asked for a divorce from her husband because he'd never fight/get mad at her.

    People are batchit crazy I tell you. lmao.

    Sorry, i don't mean to be rude but i don't think you understand the purpose of my thread. This is why it has taken me a very very long time to get over this women I only had a 7 month relationship with... due to the constant mental gymnastics I play in my head....


    This girl was perfect as in the way she treated me and acted (as a gf) as i said in the OP.

    However, she had huge obvious red flags:
    - Big sexual partner count
    - Thought her father was a cheater
    - Dressed proactively
    - Social media following of guys she's hooked up with and half nudes etc


    So even during the relationship it was very difficult for me because one part of me loved her but the other part of me held back because it was really hard to take someone seriously when they would display these characteristics.

    Anyway, i ended up getting hurt because of my lack of effort in the relationship, she ended up leaving/cheating/leading me on and then monkey branching to another Chad who ended up dumping her and breaking her heart. At the end of the day we both got hurt.


    But every day, even after a year i still think about her and think... hmm maybe I should of treated her better, maybe she wouldn't f slept around and cheated/lead me on if i was a better boyfriend etc.. but on the other hand i think about all the red flags but on the other hand i think about how great of a girlfreind she was hence the constant pain, regret and mental gymnastics.


    I'm a tonne better now and I feel like i have finally healed.. .but it's not until i meet other women and date other women i realise that she really was superior to most women i've met so far in terms of personality, how she treated me, sexually, attractiveness, chemistry etc.

    I hope this makes sense.


    There was a reason why i was so devastated for so long when she left, because i knew i lost something very good that day and someone i had come to love.
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    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    Sorry, i don't mean to be rude but i don't think you understand the purpose of my thread. This is why it has taken me a very very long time to get over this women I only had a 7 month relationship with... due to the constant mental gymnastics I play in my head....


    This girl was perfect as in the way she treated me and acted (as a gf) as i said in the OP.

    However, she had huge obvious red flags:
    - Big sexual partner count
    - Thought her father was a cheater
    - Dressed proactively
    - Social media following of guys she's hooked up with and half nudes etc


    So even during the relationship it was very difficult for me because one part of me loved her but the other part of me held back because it was really hard to take someone seriously when they would display these characteristics.

    Anyway, i ended up getting hurt because of my lack of effort in the relationship, she ended up leaving/cheating/leading me on and then monkey branching to another Chad who ended up dumping her and breaking her heart. At the end of the day we both got hurt.


    But every day, even after a year i still think about her and think... hmm maybe I should of treated her better, maybe she wouldn't f slept around and cheated/lead me on if i was a better boyfriend etc.. but on the other hand i think about all the red flags but on the other hand i think about how great of a girlfreind she was hence the constant pain, regret and mental gymnastics.


    I'm a tonne better now and I feel like i have finally healed.. .but it's not until i meet other women and date other women i realise that she really was superior to most women i've met so far in terms of personality, how she treated me, sexually, attractiveness, chemistry etc.

    I hope this makes sense.


    There was a reason why i was so devastated for so long when she left, because i knew i lost something very good that day and someone i had come to love.
    bump
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  21. #21
    Registered User MuzzieChik786's Avatar
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    Ok, see below.

    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post

    This girl was perfect as in the way she treated me and acted (as a gf) as i said in the OP.
    She obviously was not if you found these red flags. Maybe stop thinking her as perfect?

    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post

    However, she had huge obvious red flags:
    - Big sexual partner count
    - Thought her father was a cheater
    These two are a non issue IMO. Firstly, you knew she had a high partner count before you became too serious with her right? So if you did, then you accepted her past. Also, past is the past, if you can't deal with it, then don't ask about a girl's past. You may not like the answer. If you choose to stay with her beyond that, that's on you.

    Who cares about her thinking her father was a cheater. She may know info you don't. So her opinion shouldn't have anything to do with you. Should have ignored it. Women like to vent about all sorts of stupid chit and are naturally a little superstitious. It comes with hormones and shouldn't affect a dude.

    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    - Dressed proactively
    I bet this was one of the things that initially drew you to her amirite? If so, then why did you expect it to change afterwards? Again, this one is on you and not her.

    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    - Social media following of guys she's hooked up with and half nudes etc
    This is the ONLY major red flag. How long into the relationship did you notice this? If you chose to stay with her after finding out, then the question is to you as to why you stayed? You expected her to change or something?

    People need to get into relationships with the understanding of who they're getting with. They shouldn't expect change. If change happens, it's a blessing and relief for you - but there's no onus on the person you got with to change. Remember, that person thinks you got with them with all their faults so they don't have any motivation to change.

    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    So even during the relationship it was very difficult for me because one part of me loved her but the other part of me held back because it was really hard to take someone seriously when they would display these characteristics.
    So you weren't "all in" the relationship. So why are you whining then? Let it go, you didn't give it your all so what's the problem? I'm not understanding your obsession if deep down inside, you knew that it would never work out and were holding out anyways.

    Cliffs: your excuses are stupid and you need to stop talking about this chick already.
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    Originally Posted by MuzzieChik786 View Post
    Ok, see below.



    She obviously was not if you found these red flags. Maybe stop thinking her as perfect?



    These two are a non issue IMO. Firstly, you knew she had a high partner count before you became too serious with her right? So if you did, then you accepted her past. Also, past is the past, if you can't deal with it, then don't ask about a girl's past. You may not like the answer. If you choose to stay with her beyond that, that's on you.

    Who cares about her thinking her father was a cheater. She may know info you don't. So her opinion shouldn't have anything to do with you. Should have ignored it. Women like to vent about all sorts of stupid chit and are naturally a little superstitious. It comes with hormones and shouldn't affect a dude.



    I bet this was one of the things that initially drew you to her amirite? If so, then why did you expect it to change afterwards? Again, this one is on you and not her.



    This is the ONLY major red flag. How long into the relationship did you notice this? If you chose to stay with her after finding out, then the question is to you as to why you stayed? You expected her to change or something?

    People need to get into relationships with the understanding of who they're getting with. They shouldn't expect change. If change happens, it's a blessing and relief for you - but there's no onus on the person you got with to change. Remember, that person thinks you got with them with all their faults so they don't have any motivation to change.



    So you weren't "all in" the relationship. So why are you whining then? Let it go, you didn't give it your all so what's the problem? I'm not understanding your obsession if deep down inside, you knew that it would never work out and were holding out anyways.


    Cliffs: your excuses are stupid and you need to stop talking about this chick already.

    Thank you for your response,

    this is why my obsession has been stuck for such long time i never went all in , on the relationship and i didn't give her my best, I didn't take her out... etc i took her COMPLETELY for granted, and she was so loving , affectionate and caring and would always offer to buy me things and would hand feed me etc. This is why i get so upset with myself, she also had this thick ass and thick little legs and i loved her body, smile and laugh ,it's been a long time now and i'm glad the memories have faded heaps but i still get sad about it


    I noticed the red flags early on but stayed because i couldn't help enjoy myself when i was with her.


    Also i disagree i think a high sexual partner count is a red flag as it may indicate mental problems or behavior that wouldn't be good for a relationship (e.g. low inhibition, self esteem issues etc)
    Also i think a poor father figure is a red flag, as she often would tell me she thinks all men are liers and cheaters and i think she thought this from her father


    it's been such a long time i still get sad about it what do i do?
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    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    I noticed the red flags early on but stayed because i couldn't help enjoy myself when i was with her.
    In future relationships, be clear about what you can and can't deal with and don't waste yours and her time. As you can see, it just leads to heartache.


    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    Also i disagree i think a high sexual partner count is a red flag as it may indicate mental problems or behavior that wouldn't be good for a relationship (e.g. low inhibition, self esteem issues etc)
    Also i think a poor father figure is a red flag, as she often would tell me she thinks all men are liers and cheaters and i think she thought this from her father
    But knowing was a cause of your relationship falling apart. If you can't deal with knowing, then you shouldn't find out.

    Also, every older woman in the world that raises a female child is bound to pass on her bitter views about men and relationships unless they're in super happy marriages. The truth is that MOST women are raised with the mentality that men just want sex and use women. It's not true, but that's what's in the mind of most girls. They share a part of the bitterness of their mom, aunts, friends, etc. who have had bad interactions with men. The negative is always talked about more than the positives in life. It's the nature of people. It changes with time once they've been in a relationship themselves.


    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    it's been such a long time i still get sad about it what do i do?
    Easy, get over it.
    Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
    Thus unlamented let me die;
    Steal from the world, and not a stone
    Tell where I lie.

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    Originally Posted by sandman2019 View Post
    Thank you for your response,

    this is why my obsession has been stuck for such long time i never went all in , on the relationship and i didn't give her my best, I didn't take her out... etc i took her COMPLETELY for granted, and she was so loving , affectionate and caring and would always offer to buy me things and would hand feed me etc. This is why i get so upset with myself, she also had this thick ass and thick little legs and i loved her body, smile and laugh ,it's been a long time now and i'm glad the memories have faded heaps but i still get sad about it


    I noticed the red flags early on but stayed because i couldn't help enjoy myself when i was with her.


    Also i disagree i think a high sexual partner count is a red flag as it may indicate mental problems or behavior that wouldn't be good for a relationship (e.g. low inhibition, self esteem issues etc)
    Also i think a poor father figure is a red flag, as she often would tell me she thinks all men are liers and cheaters and i think she thought this from her father


    it's been such a long time i still get sad about it what do i do?
    For God sakes you sound like a 14 year old going through their first breakup claiming that this was the one and only love of their life after almost a year and a half later. You're a grown adult and should have already been toughened up in some way and know that nothing last forever, people die, and life isn't always fair, and you don't always get second chances and you learn to live with it and move on and deal with it.

    If you were diagnosed with pancreatic cancer tomorrow would you be worried about losing this relationship? Hell no you'd do as much with people that didn't choose to walk out of your life as possible and do whatever you could with the time you have left. Your time is running out every day as a healthy man and you're fkn wasting it by being a pathetic beta or a troll talking about this girl.

    Newsflash, everybody that gets into a relationship does so with the hopes and intentions of it working out and that this is their last bf or gf and is there soon to be wife or husband or long term partner if that's your thing. Guess what? 99% of them don't work out and we all accept each others faults as a partner and move on. You thought gambling and tinder hoes would solve your pain. Well surprise surprise it didn't.

    You do absolutely nothing to help yourself other than come on here and create alt accounts and cry and whine every day. Imagine if you'd invested that same energy into learning a foreign language or history or some cool subject. You could be more educated, world renowned, and could be headed to Colombia to meet a girl way cooler, flirt in Spanish with her, enjoy her better bedroom skills, a better ass and way hotter than your ex and actually loyal. Instead you've just cried here for a year. Go watch Schwarzenegger's 6 keys to success video. It should inspire you.

    Get over it and stop worrying about coulda, shoulda, woulda with this one girl out of billions. Dedicate the same energy of regret into doing something with your life, and then towards whatever new girl you find and click with. It might be 2 more years or longer before she comes along. Who cares? Grow up and be happy as sandman2019 walking alone for the time being. You're pathetic in that you can't be alone and happy. You're worse than a BPD narcissistic woman who needs validation and attention to be happy. You blew it with her and it's not a life altering event. She's no prize anyways.
    Last edited by Imnew1; 09-22-2020 at 12:14 PM.
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    Originally Posted by Imnew1 View Post
    For God sakes you sound like a 14 year old going through their first breakup claiming that this was the one and only love of their life after almost a year and a half later. You're a grown adult and should have already been toughened up in some way and know that nothing last forever, people die, and life isn't always fair, and you don't always get second chances and you learn to live with it and move on and deal with it.

    If you were diagnosed with pancreatic cancer tomorrow would you be worried about losing this relationship? Hell no you'd do as much with people that didn't choose to walk out of your life as possible and do whatever you could with the time you have left. Your time is running out every day as a healthy man and you're fkn wasting it by being a pathetic beta or a troll talking about this girl.

    Newsflash, everybody that gets into a relationship does so with the hopes and intentions of it working out and that this is their last bf or gf and is there soon to be wife or husband or long term partner if that's your thing. Guess what? 99% of them don't work out and we all accept each others faults as a partner and move on. You thought gambling and tinder hoes would solve your pain. Well surprise surprise it didn't.

    You do absolutely nothing to help yourself other than come on here and create alt accounts and cry and whine every day. Imagine if you'd invested that same energy into learning a foreign language or history or some cool subject. You could be more educated, world renowned, and could be headed to Colombia to meet a girl way cooler, flirt in Spanish with her, enjoy her better bedroom skills, a better ass and way hotter than your ex and actually loyal. Instead you've just cried here for a year. Go watch Schwarzenegger's 6 keys to success video. It should inspire you.

    Get over it and stop worrying about coulda, shoulda, woulda with this one girl out of billions. Dedicate the same energy of regret into doing something with your life, and then towards whatever new girl you find and click with. It might be 2 more years or longer before she comes along. Who cares? Grow up and be happy as sandman2019 walking alone for the time being. You're pathetic in that you can't be alone and happy. You're worse than a BPD narcissistic woman who needs validation and attention to be happy. You blew it with her and it's not a life altering event. She's no prize anyways.
    good post shiethead
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    Originally Posted by Imnew1 View Post
    For God sakes you sound like a 14 year old going through their first breakup claiming that this was the one and only love of their life after almost a year and a half later. You're a grown adult and should have already been toughened up in some way and know that nothing last forever, people die, and life isn't always fair, and you don't always get second chances and you learn to live with it and move on and deal with it.

    If you were diagnosed with pancreatic cancer tomorrow would you be worried about losing this relationship? Hell no you'd do as much with people that didn't choose to walk out of your life as possible and do whatever you could with the time you have left. Your time is running out every day as a healthy man and you're fkn wasting it by being a pathetic beta or a troll talking about this girl.

    Newsflash, everybody that gets into a relationship does so with the hopes and intentions of it working out and that this is their last bf or gf and is there soon to be wife or husband or long term partner if that's your thing. Guess what? 99% of them don't work out and we all accept each others faults as a partner and move on. You thought gambling and tinder hoes would solve your pain. Well surprise surprise it didn't.

    You do absolutely nothing to help yourself other than come on here and create alt accounts and cry and whine every day. Imagine if you'd invested that same energy into learning a foreign language or history or some cool subject. You could be more educated, world renowned, and could be headed to Colombia to meet a girl way cooler, flirt in Spanish with her, enjoy her better bedroom skills, a better ass and way hotter than your ex and actually loyal. Instead you've just cried here for a year. Go watch Schwarzenegger's 6 keys to success video. It should inspire you.

    Get over it and stop worrying about coulda, shoulda, woulda with this one girl out of billions. Dedicate the same energy of regret into doing something with your life, and then towards whatever new girl you find and click with. It might be 2 more years or longer before she comes along. Who cares? Grow up and be happy as sandman2019 walking alone for the time being. You're pathetic in that you can't be alone and happy. You're worse than a BPD narcissistic woman who needs validation and attention to be happy. You blew it with her and it's not a life altering event. She's no prize anyways.
    repped man she was just the best gf man.
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