Afraid of commitment (26k reps)

[chivasregal]

I’m sure most of you have had this.
I think my issue isn’t finding a girl (or girls, in my case). It’s taking the next step.

I was in a LTR for 8 years (2 of those married) so I’m trying not to make the same mistakes or rush into anything, understandably so. I’ve been smashing girls and some I do hang out with more of like dating style...however yesterday I had a mini-panic attack. I was setting up “date” to a semi-fancy restaurant with this one good quality girl, but later in the evening, I ended up canceling saying I need to deal with some personal things. She didn’t get upset but understood and sent her prayers and all that. I just dread the “so what are we?” question. I love single life but I also love the female attention. And yes, I don’t wanna lose quality girls either. Idk misc, I’m 31 and I’m not getting any younger but I’ve enjoyed my life so much as a single guy these past 2 years.

Please help.

[Beararms]

Thats normal being previously married. You know how bad it can get and mentally you know there is a possibility that can happen. I honestly would have been upfront and not get that close to anyone if I was not ready for commitment.

If you are enjoying the female attention DO NOT attach yourself to one woman. That is a 100% recipe for disaster.

[skinnyfat88]

I think you need to try to understand what you've been enjoying so much post divorce and if trying a legit relationship out with a quality girl will complement or hinder your goals/lifestyle.

IMO it can be fun to be completely single on boys trips and stuff but otherwise a really healthy and mutually beneficial relationship probably beats a successful/enjoyable single life.

[Lipee]

Follow your guts here.
You have past. You know how it was. And how srsly bad it was.

You dont have to rush to a serious relationship, with this girl you did bail, but, on the other hand, you can still date her with a open mind, just, atleast grab a cup of coffee with her. Atleast know her better.

You can still play your cards right and have an amazing girl right there. On the other hand , if she isnt and you didnt commit to a serious relationship with her you still have the life you have right now.

[Pterodactyl314]

If you enjoy the single life be single
If you want a relationship at the end of the day you’re going to have to take risks. Do the best you can to identify red flags and learn from past mistakes.

[iloveus]

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Listen to your heart, mm-mmmmmm

I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

[SultanofBling]

I'll give you the practical advice that "when you meet the right girl, you'll know." And I mean that, it'll be a gut inclination and you'll have to make yourself vulnerable, which might be difficult for you -- given your prior marriage. 'Til then, play the field and keep looking. It really be a numbers game. When you've found the right one, the relationship will become a whole separate entity that connects you but also exists apart from you. This will freak you out, but is the immensely rewarding part of relationships. When you trust and love someone to this degree, the relationship kinda blends with your being and gives you strength.

So yeah from a former commitment-phobe, that's my experience and my advice stems from it. Stiff upper lip 'til then

[MediocreGains]

- Then don't commit. There's no obligation for you to do so. You're not that old, so why feel the pressure?

- If she brings up the "so what are we" question, just be honest.

I think you're making it into a bigger problem in your head than it actually is.

[chivasregal]

Real good **** brothers. Wow, misc always comes through.

Never thought I’d be in this situation again. This girl definitely stands out and I feel comfortable and can talk to her for hours. Literally did a 5-hour phone call last Friday.

Part of me is hesitant because of my past, but must recognize that should be left in the past. I’m always an overthinker, so you know how on the show Shark Tank when one of the Sharks offers a really good offer, but the person still wants to see the other offers in case there is something better? That’s me right now. I also recognize that probably i won’t find someone better fitting the different categories that this girl meets.

I’m also big on dating girls with no tattoos, however this one has a small tattoo on her upper right back. I’m trying to be picky, but also not way too picky where essentially every single female that I meet will have something that I’ll consider a deal breaker. I’m no perfect guy either so I’m sure there are things females are compromising when they meet me.

One thing right now is that she wants to get into meal prepping and eating healthier. She mentioned she’s done it before, but kinda stopped and has been eating not the best type of food. I’m big on dieting (my user pic is 11 years old lol) so i wanted to ask you all if this would be a deal breaker for you...if y’all are both not on the same page regarding health and diets

[Lipee]

Real good **** brothers. Wow, misc always comes through.

Never thought I’d be in this situation again. This girl definitely stands out and I feel comfortable and can talk to her for hours. Literally did a 5-hour phone call last Friday.

Part of me is hesitant because of my past, but must recognize that should be left in the past. I’m always an overthinker, so you know how on the show Shark Tank when one of the Sharks offers a really good offer, but the person still wants to see the other offers in case there is something better? That’s me right now. I also recognize that probably i won’t find someone better fitting the different categories that this girl meets.

I’m also big on dating girls with no tattoos, however this one has a small tattoo on her upper right back. I’m trying to be picky, but also not way too picky where essentially every single female that I meet will have something that I’ll consider a deal breaker. I’m no perfect guy either so I’m sure there are things females are compromising when they meet me.

One thing right now is that she wants to get into meal prepping and eating healthier. She mentioned she’s done it before, but kinda stopped and has been eating not the best type of food. I’m big on dieting (my user pic is 11 years old lol) so i wanted to ask you all if this would be a deal breaker for you...if y’all are both not on the same page regarding health and diets

Consider this:
I have my bodie full of huge tattoos, japanese ones.,full body on one side, sleeve, hand , back and a leg, and without them I was still the same person.

Don’t disregard her coz she have a small tattoo, she is still the same person with, or without it.

Judge her, by her actions towards you, not her past on a simple tattoo. And by the fact that she wants to eat healthy, she might do it more for you than for her.

You recognise you shall leave ur past behind, leave that decision of hers to have a small tattoo behind. She is still the same towards you at the end of the day.

Imo? You have nothing to loose.
On the other hand , you might regret one day to not give this girl that check so many boxes a chance.
If, by anymeans you guys break, you can still be back on the randoms.

[skinnyfat88]

I’m also big on dating girls with no tattoos, however this one has a small tattoo on her upper right back. I’m trying to be picky, but also not way too picky where essentially every single female that I meet will have something that I’ll consider a deal breaker. I’m no perfect guy either so I’m sure there are things females are compromising when they meet me.

One thing right now is that she wants to get into meal prepping and eating healthier. She mentioned she’s done it before, but kinda stopped and has been eating not the best type of food. I’m big on dieting (my user pic is 11 years old lol) so i wanted to ask you all if this would be a deal breaker for you...if y’all are both not on the same page regarding health and diets

Lol no a small tattoo wouldn't be a dealbreaker for most.

IMO I want a woman who takes care of herself and is motivated to do so for the longterm (not the type who'd let themselves go once in a relationship/has kids). How they go about it is their business. By no needs do we need to have the same eating or fitness habits/routine.

[Mr Beer]

Said this somewhere else, shared values > same interests, like you need some overlap so you can do stuff together.

But if you're a gym rat and weigh food etc, a GF does not have to do the same thing, as long as your eating habits don't drive each other crazy e.g. you can eat in a restaurant without frantically scraping sauce off food like a maniac and she doesn't try to force you to eat deep-fried garbage on a regular basis.

Tattoos, I think are kind of low class and it's a turn off IMO when a woman has many of them, or especially if they have trashy, poorly rendered tattoos. But one small tattoo, assuming it's not on her face or like a "ACAB" across her knuckles or something, is not something that should be a dealbreaker to anyone.

The fact that you think it might be, is an indication that you are either not ready to settle down (which is reasonable) or you are looking for a magical fkn unicorn in order to settle down (which is not).

There's obviously going to be things that are a dealbreaker to some people that are not to others, which is fine, I just don't think a small tattoo should be a dealbreaker to normal people.

You should be able to think a handful of important characteristics in an ideal partner and then the things that are deal-breakers should be normal reasonable dealbreakers related to their character and behaviour.

[NosyJossie]

Why feeling some fear about entering a relationship is a good thing to ensure you can remain objective, instead of letting your attraction and desire overwhelm your sense of self respect and common sense. How to make sure you communicate what you want and only move at your own pace so you don't fear losing your freedom.

(don't forget to rep)

[chivasregal]

Amazing advice guys. Gut says to go for it. I purposely went one day without talking to her (she gave me the space) and realized a lot of things. To whoever said about expecting a perfect unicorn to show up, lol, it’s true. There will be things i dislike, just like there will be things she will dislike about me.

Plus, it’d be just a relationship, not marriage (yet). So it’s not like it’s anything official legally

[NosyJossie]

Let us know how it goes brah. Sounds like you got something good going

[Lipee]

Go for it.
Once again, you have nothing to loose.

[chivasregal]

Thanks gentlemen.

Update:
Been hanging out more and texting throughout the week.
Saw her last Sunday for yogurt. Wasn’t long but felt good seeing her.
We went out for dinner last night then afterwards walked around this park area and eventually sat down on grass under a tree (restaurant is located within a large mall with a park, shops, restaurants, benches, seats, trees in the middle). I went in for the kiss, we talked more, cuddled. We talked about what we are. I told her that I see her as someone who I am currently dating (so there are obviously no misinterpretations, as if it wasn’t obvious enough). She reacted like “what? We are friends who are seeing each other and seeing where it could go” to which I replied “well? Isn’t that what dating is? Going out for dinner, gauging each other and where this could go, phone calls, text.” Apparently to her, “dating” means boyfriend/girlfriend, which we are obviously not right now. So after that, she agreed that we are “dating” and that we like each other more than just friends. We talked about what we expect from a relationship, lessons learned from previous ones and future goals. I also told her that I have a passion for football, gym, eating well, church and she agreed to all of them in the sense that she will support me and that she’s actually into those (i had some issues with my ex not liking the gym as much as me). I clearly told her that I understand girls may see someone who is out of a divorce (me) as not ready; I did assure her that I’ve been taking my time and that I am in no rush, focused on myself, gotten closure and I had left it in God’s hands from the beginning (after my separation), but did tell her that it would also be dumb on my part to pass up on someone like her. We were out there until about 2am. I always lose time when I’m with her.
So for the purpose of “taking it slow”, we are still dating, clearly heading towards exclusivity. I didn’t want to make it official last night as this was our first time talking about dating and a possible relationship. I’ll give her and myself today and perhaps tomorrow to sit back and think and then we’ll let things roll out the way they should, which will be bf/gf.

[Lipee]

Gjdm! You found a good one .

[BullittEV]

Thanks gentlemen.

Update:
Been hanging out more and texting throughout the week.
Saw her last Sunday for yogurt. Wasn’t long but felt good seeing her.
We went out for dinner last night then afterwards walked around this park area and eventually sat down on grass under a tree (restaurant is located within a large mall with a park, shops, restaurants, benches, seats, trees in the middle). I went in for the kiss, we talked more, cuddled. We talked about what we are. I told her that I see her as someone who I am currently dating (so there are obviously no misinterpretations, as if it wasn’t obvious enough). She reacted like “what? We are friends who are seeing each other and seeing where it could go” to which I replied “well? Isn’t that what dating is? Going out for dinner, gauging each other and where this could go, phone calls, text.” Apparently to her, “dating” means boyfriend/girlfriend, which we are obviously not right now. So after that, she agreed that we are “dating” and that we like each other more than just friends. We talked about what we expect from a relationship, lessons learned from previous ones and future goals. I also told her that I have a passion for football, gym, eating well, church and she agreed to all of them in the sense that she will support me and that she’s actually into those (i had some issues with my ex not liking the gym as much as me). I clearly told her that I understand girls may see someone who is out of a divorce (me) as not ready; I did assure her that I’ve been taking my time and that I am in no rush, focused on myself, gotten closure and I had left it in God’s hands from the beginning (after my separation), but did tell her that it would also be dumb on my part to pass up on someone like her. We were out there until about 2am. I always lose time when I’m with her.
So for the purpose of “taking it slow”, we are still dating, clearly heading towards exclusivity. I didn’t want to make it official last night as this was our first time talking about dating and a possible relationship. I’ll give her and myself today and perhaps tomorrow to sit back and think and then we’ll let things roll out the way they should, which will be bf/gf.

shes smashing other dudes

[backinthegymbro]

Part of me is hesitant because of my past, but must recognize that should be left in the past.

Your past is your knowledge that sloots gonna sloot. You should always keep that knowledge with you in the back of your mind.
Relationships are a gamble. Some women have better odds of success than others, but there is never a guarantee.
If you want to commit yourself to this girl, then that's what you should do.
You either take the plunge or you don't. But if you do the marriage route again, all i can say is don't rush it and have the prenup signed.

[chivasregal]

Your past is your knowledge that sloots gonna sloot. You should always keep that knowledge with you in the back of your mind.
Relationships are a gamble. Some women have better odds of success than others, but there is never a guarantee.
If you want to commit yourself to this girl, then that's what you should do.
You either take the plunge or you don't. But if you do the marriage route again, all i can say is don't rush it and have the prenup signed.

So it took me a while, self-reflecting and praying, but ultimately I decided I’d be stupid af to pass up on this.

We are official. We became official this past Friday. We are off to a great start. I’m so blessed and lucky! I’m also glad I have the marriage experience because I know this “honeymoon” stage will eventually fade away but I am confident enough to say me and this girl can really build something special.

She has a great job and supports everything I do.

Crazy shet, misc. never thought I’d find a girlfriend during the pandemic.

[Kev1972]

So it took me a while, self-reflecting and praying, but ultimately I decided I’d be stupid af to pass up on this.

We are official. We became official this past Friday. We are off to a great start. I’m so blessed and lucky! I’m also glad I have the marriage experience because I know this “honeymoon” stage will eventually fade away but I am confident enough to say me and this girl can really build something special.

She has a great job and supports everything I do.

Crazy shet, misc. never thought I’d find a girlfriend during the pandemic.

Did you ask her or did she ask you?

If you asked her I have sum bad newz.

[HotlineBling]

Did you ask her or did she ask you?

If you asked her I have sum bad newz.

This. I was about to ask b/c you’re sounding like a little school girl rn. Nothing wrong about being happy, but it really seems like you want this more than she does. But hopefully I’m wrong and it all works out.

[2010JW]

Dude get out of El Paso, the girls here are all trash, it's hard as fuk finding a legit one. I just saw you went for it, but as soon as you see ONE red flag bail out.

The best dates and girls i've had have been with girls from out of El Paso, and Juarez srs dead srs

[chivasregal]

This. I was about to ask b/c you’re sounding like a little school girl rn. Nothing wrong about being happy, but it really seems like you want this more than she does. But hopefully I’m wrong and it all works out.

I did ask her. I have never heard of this rule before. I think it stems from insecure guys or obvious bad experience. I appreciate your feedback. It sure made me think, but we did talk beforehand and on previous dates/phone calls before leading into it. I know my worth, I’m a pretty confident dude and I’m upfront and i think that is why girls appreciate me. She did mention to me she needs me to be more literal and upfront with her about things because she may not see it the way I see it (her lack of experience), and so far that has worked well. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she was very much in—although I won’t lie I’m still shocked and she’s still shocked about everything, but it’s a good type of shock, not a “wtf did i just do” shock. It’s so new to me after being married before, but it’s a good feeling. It would’ve been pretty stupid for her to pass up on me (and me with her too).
It’s been pretty awesome so far. We are in week 2 of exclusivity. She’s all in, I’m all in. We’ve had some really good, personal communication—setting boundaries, expectations and talking about what we want out of this. This is obviously huge for me because of my divorce. My ex was absolutely terrible with communication. I get that this is the honeymoon stage and all, but so far everything has been pretty amazing. She also her her own **** together, her career going and is debt-free including a brand new vehicle. I met her through a mutual friend through church. She’s into that and I’m into that. She’s super funny and fun. And actually this weekend i found out she’s a virgin. She’s not necessarily waiting until marriage, but until it feels right and she feels that emotional connection, which is fine with me. Obviously it’ll be hard (no pun), but I’m sure it will help us connect even more. I’ve never dated a virgin before post-HS, so I’m new to it. And yes, I do believe her. Any advice here?
Hit me with it, even if it hurts, misc.

Dude get out of El Paso, the girls here are all trash, it's hard as fuk finding a legit one. I just saw you went for it, but as soon as you see ONE red flag bail out.

The best dates and girls i've had have been with girls from out of El Paso, and Juarez srs dead srs

True that son. I get you, brother! That’s why I’ve been picky af after my divorce! Look at my posts. I’ve seen about 7-10 girls since (some FWBs, some more on the dating side). I got lucky with this one (and she did too)
I was in Odessa last month too. Hope you’re doing well my man. Chuco!

[Kev1972]

Sometimes it can be a turn off for a girl if the guy is too pushy with things in the beginning. It's usually better long term to play it cool and let her chase you.

[skinnyfat88]

She’s super funny and fun. And actually this weekend i found out she’s a virgin. She’s not necessarily waiting until marriage, but until it feels right and she feels that emotional connection, which is fine with me. Obviously it’ll be hard (no pun), but I’m sure it will help us connect even more. I’ve never dated a virgin before post-HS, so I’m new to it. And yes, I do believe her. Any advice here?
Hit me with it, even if it hurts, misc.

Congrats bro it seems like she's definitely worth investing into. Hope it works out for you.

Also good to hear once in a while how low-count, "I only fool around in relationships" women still exist (not for my sake but for the sake of the misc and men in general). Some men are way too jaded thinking every woman will cheat on them should any Chad give them attention.

Obviously you will have to communicate and be patient re sex as she won't know what she likes or what most men like.

[chivasregal]

Congrats bro it seems like she's definitely worth investing into. Hope it works out for you.

Also good to hear once in a while how low-count, "I only fool around in relationships" women still exist (not for my sake but for the sake of the misc and men in general). Some men are way too jaded thinking every woman will cheat on them should any Chad give them attention.

Obviously you will have to communicate and be patient re sex as she won't know what she likes or what most men like.

Thanks brother. Definitely being patient with this one. I’m a lot wiser at 31 than at 21. Definitely on my toes this time and communicating to her the things I feel must be established. It’s crazy how a divorce can produce so many lessons learned and gives you the ultimate opportunity to redeem yourself and give another girl a better version of yourself.

[skinnyfat88]

Thanks brother. Definitely being patient with this one. I’m a lot wiser at 31 than at 21. Definitely on my toes this time and communicating to her the things I feel must be established. It’s crazy how a divorce can produce so many lessons learned and gives you the ultimate opportunity to redeem yourself and give another girl a better version of yourself.

I feel ya brother.
Met future ex-wife at 23. Separated with a kid at 28.

Grew so much as a person over the next two years or so and just became so re-energized for life and what the future may hold.

Have the utmost confidence in myself as an absolute catch and know I have no reason to settle when it comes to the women I choose to date.

[chivasregal]

I feel ya brother.
Met future ex-wife at 23. Separated with a kid at 28.

Grew so much as a person over the next two years or so and just became so re-energized for life and what the future may hold.

Have the utmost confidence in myself as an absolute catch and know I have no reason to settle when it comes to the women I choose to date.

Great stuff man. Happy for you.
Late reply, yes I know, been busy af.

Update:
This girl is pretty amazing. Crazy how many lessons a divorce teaches you that puts you on your toes for the next relationship. We’ve had plenty of great conversations about boundaries, goals, and life. We’ve been spending time and getting to know each other. Turns out she was in denial about liking me as well. We are so damn alike and I definitely see a future with her. I know damn well we are still in the honeymoon stage, I’m 31. This ain’t puppy love. We are building a strong foundation and reading through my posts before the relationship made me realize how in denial I was and how much I was holding back from my true feelings. I’m happy, men. After my divorce i was bitter about relationships and swore not to get into one until a great girl came along, i figured it would be 2-3 more years, but God placed her in my path and me in hers. Oh and she’s a virgin (yes I do believe her). We had a discussion about that and she felt very embarrassed to tell me.