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  1. #121
    Registered User Rebel012's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    Are you implying it isn't a clear breakup, or are you just asking about priorities?

    She had a couple of long term guys friends. I had no issue at all, nothing was hidden and we met etc.

    It's that she met up with a particular guy she had a sexual history with behind my back, and then lied about it intently and convincingly to my face.

    I'm not really sure which is worse tbh. But they're both revealing of character.
    Both really, was wondering if you two had discussed the issue, if she ever directly told you they had remained friends or just blatantly lied. Your second paragraph suggests it was the latter. That, combined with the fact that it sounds like you guys were never really compatible to begin with, indicates you made the right call.
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  2. #122
    ๐Ÿ…ณ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ†‚ ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ†ƒ Luc1fer's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rebel012 View Post
    Both really, was wondering if you two had discussed the issue, if she ever directly told you they had remained friends or just blatantly lied. Your second paragraph suggests it was the latter. That, combined with the fact that it sounds like you guys were never really compatible to begin with, indicates you made the right call.
    She lied to my face about meeting with him. It's in the OP.

    She probably mentioned him at some points (honestly can't really recall), but never, ever mentioned meeting up with him. Clearly she wanted to keep that secret.

    It's interesting you're kinda skeptical of the call. I feel like it's super clear from the OP alone.
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  3. #123
    Registered User Rebel012's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    She lied to my face about meeting with him. It's in the OP.

    She probably mentioned him at some points (honestly can't really recall), but never, ever mentioned meeting up with him. Clearly she wanted to keep that secret.

    It's interesting you're kinda skeptical of the call. I feel like it's super clear from the OP alone.
    You're right, it's likely my own bias. A relationship I had in my twenties with a super jealous, possessive, irrational (and hot) girl fell apart because of her paranoia. Since then I've always been wary when someone ends a relationship due to trust issues. I should probably learn to check that.
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  4. #124
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    Even if she wasn't physically cheating, unfortunately this was the only way she'd learn her lesson about being shady and doing things that can be perceived as cheating.

    Maybe she'll learn and smarten up for the next one, maybe not, and you'll never know.
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  5. #125
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    Originally Posted by skinnyfat88 View Post
    Even if she wasn't physically cheating, unfortunately this was the only way she'd learn her lesson about being shady and doing things that can be perceived as cheating.

    Maybe she'll learn and smarten up for the next one, maybe not, and you'll never know.
    My goal isn't to teach her lessons tbh, but perhaps. I could care less.

    There's a reason she kept this secret and lied about meeting him; she knew it was wrong or something I wouldn't be okay with.
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  6. #126
    Registered User MediocreGains's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    One of her best friends felt the need to message me: "she never cheated on you and you're an idiots"
    She's an idiot and should mind her own business. She could talk chit about you all she wants with your ex if that's what she wants to do, but texting you like this? Not her place to do so. Good riddance on someone with such annoying friends.

    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post

    yes it is, this is her friend who gets lipo, is still a whale, and thinks she's thikk and hot.
    It's always the fat chicks who can't mind their own business.

    As others have said already, it doesn't really matter if she cheated or not. The very fact that she met with him multiple times and kept in contact, while hiding it from you, meant that she was at least open to the possibility of cheating and may do so in the future. She was intentionally putting herself in that situation, and it was really just a matter of time even if she hasn't already done so. It fukin sucks, but it's good that you caught it before things got more serious between you two.

    Originally Posted by skinnyfat88 View Post
    Even if she wasn't physically cheating, unfortunately this was the only way she'd learn her lesson about being shady and doing things that can be perceived as cheating.

    Maybe she'll learn and smarten up for the next one, maybe not, and you'll never know.
    Like I said, she was intentionally putting herself in that situation. Only thing she probably learns from this is how to hide it better (speaking as someone who has often not been trustworthy in the past).
    Last edited by MediocreGains; 09-05-2020 at 08:55 PM.
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  7. #127
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    So one of my IRL friends said it well. Our values don't align. She has a set of self-interested values which enables her to go do something, and at long as her partner/friend/whoever doesn't know about it, no harm done.

    Whereas there needs to be mutual values in a good relationship. For example, I wouldn't do that because (aside from it being plainly unacceptable in this case) I know that she wouldn't want me doing it. And it would disrespect her.

    Her values aren't shared or universal. They are individualistic and self interested values, and if applied mirrored onto her, she wouldn't be happy.
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  8. #128
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    Originally Posted by MediocreGains View Post
    Like I said, she was intentionally putting herself in that situation. Only thing she probably learns from this is how to hide it better (speaking as someone who has often not been trustworthy in the past).
    Yes, so she offered to block him completely. But that's completely missing the point. It's the values (or lack thereof) that allowed her to do it in the first place that's the problem.
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  9. #129
    Registered User MediocreGains's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    Maybe if you donโ€™t feel like you trust the person after a year, just move on. I get that might sound too aggressive because trust is gradual. That wouldโ€™ve been super difficult to just do without any hard evidence, so I could really respect someone for breaking up based on that value evaluation itself.
    I'm sure some people disagree, but I think that's completely justified. You don't need to catch her doing something to get the feeling that she's not serious material, and that feeling alone is enough reason to not take her seriously in my opinion. A year is a long time.


    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    Yes, so she offered to block him completely. But that's completely missing the point. It's the values (or lack thereof) that allowed her to do it in the first place that's the problem.
    Agreed
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  10. #130
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    Originally Posted by MediocreGains View Post
    I'm sure some people disagree, but I think that's completely justified. You don't need to catch her doing something to get the feeling that she's not serious material, and that feeling alone is enough reason to not take her seriously in my opinion. A year is a long time.
    I feel more confident about that sort of character assessment now, and hey we're the same age so about time, although I didn't really start dating until 30.

    Kinda blows my mind how some people get married young, don't do rigorous character assessment, and still end up in happy marriages. I thought it was luck, but now when I really think about it, as in my parents case, they were born into the same area/culture so would have similar values by default.

    Diversity and city living is great and all, but has it's drawbacks.
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  11. #131
    Registered User MediocreGains's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    I feel more confident about that sort of character assessment now, and hey we're the same age so about time, although I didn't really start dating until 30.

    Kinda blows my mind how some people get married young, don't do rigorous character assessment, and still end up in happy marriages. I thought it was luck, but now when I really think about it, as in my parents case, they were born into the same area/culture so would have similar values by default.

    Diversity and city living is great and all, but has it's drawbacks.
    Yeah, speaking as a guy who also started really late, it's harder being behind the curve.

    And what you said about the previous generation is true sometimes regarding their success despite marrying young and not doing much character assessment, but it often bit them in the ass as well. My parents had a horrible marriage and stuck with each other longer than they should have. I was determined not to end up like them, whether it was remaining a life-long bachelor (which seemed like the more likely scenario back in the day) or making the right choices. That said, my parents did come from very different backgrounds despite growing up in the same town, so your overall point about shared culture and values is one that I strongly agree with.

    On a related note, today I was shopping groceries with my wife and I saw an elderly couple holding hands and still being playful with each other. It was surprising since old Koreans virtually never do any PDA. Made me think that some couples really do make it to the finish line happy and in love.

    Anyways, while I don't know you personally, you're educated, successful, and good-looking with a strong value system (no homo). You'll be fine. I think you mentioned that your father had you when he was older. There's no rush.
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  12. #132
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    I feel more confident about that sort of character assessment now, and hey we're the same age so about time, although I didn't really start dating until 30.

    Kinda blows my mind how some people get married young, don't do rigorous character assessment, and still end up in happy marriages. I thought it was luck, but now when I really think about it, as in my parents case, they were born into the same area/culture so would have similar values by default.

    Diversity and city living is great and all, but has it's drawbacks.
    Yeah my parents and grandparents were both born in Irish families from the same community, so they shared similar the values and stayed married for 50+ years. However, those are also different generations before cell phones (which make it easy for opposite sexes to contact each other), social media, feminism and the cawk carousel and the boner buffet.
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    Oh one thing I forgot to mention; after I told her to leave etc, she said she was planning to ask him (he's a broke photographer) to take our wedding pics.

    In a really innocent way, as if it proves they were just friends. I honestly don't know wth was going through her mind.
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  14. #134
    LooksMaximusโ€™ Padawan trapspot's Avatar
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    What were the heights of everyone involved in this story, for science?
    What people lack in genetics they can make up for in dedication

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    Originally Posted by trapspot View Post
    What were the heights of everyone involved in this story, for science?
    I can't answer or encourage incel type questions, for science.
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  16. #136
    LooksMaximusโ€™ Padawan trapspot's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    I can't answer or encourage incel type questions, for science.
    But no one involved is an incel. You had your fun with the girl. Then the girl messed up with that other guy. You bailed when she crossed you. Nothing to worry about
    What people lack in genetics they can make up for in dedication

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    Don't ask me how I know, but it seems probable now that they didn't have sex. As we've already discussed though, doesn't really change the decision.
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  18. #138
    Registered User DustinTheHuss's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    Don't ask me how I know, but it seems probable now that they didn't have sex. As we've already discussed though, doesn't really change the decision.
    It shouldn't change the decision, as it's an emotional affair. Whether it's a physical affair or an emotional affair, it still breaks the trust in a relationship.

    Just lol at the heights of everyone. Only the Misc is so wrapped up in height. In real life I see short guys pull all of the time.
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  19. #139
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    Originally Posted by DustinTheHuss View Post
    It shouldn't change the decision, as it's an emotional affair. Whether it's a physical affair or an emotional affair, it still breaks the trust in a relationship.
    Correct ye, when I confronted and asked her why she met up with him she said he "understood" her and they could talk about anything.

    I do know they've had sexual back and forths before we met though, and sex at least twice. She may have been honest about that because I recall seeing a message about a possible "3rd attempt" and they laughed about two failed attempts.

    Sound like they were friends... with a sprinkle of benefits. And she probably knew I wouldn't be okay with her meeting with him, given their past.
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  20. #140
    Registered User Pterodactyl314's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    Don't ask me how I know, but it seems probable now that they didn't have sex. As we've already discussed though, doesn't really change the decision.
    How do you know
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  21. #141
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    Originally Posted by Rabbitjb View Post
    Why does it matter?

    OPie has a firm line that anyone he is with must not see or speak to previous sexual partners

    Itโ€™s not something everyone agrees with but itโ€™s his line in the sand. If he made it clear thatโ€™s his expectation and she went anyway, then thereโ€™s only one course of action.

    The only bit that concerns me is if he didnโ€™t make it clear and expects thatโ€™s a default. Itโ€™s not, and IMHO it shouldnโ€™t be. Many believe that thereโ€™s a moral issue in cutting people who were once important to you completely out of your life because you are in a new relationship. I think that has merit too.
    Thereโ€™s a reason she kept the meetings with this particular guy secret. She knew my position.

    She had two other long term guy friends that I met and had zero issue with.

    Even if she doesnโ€™t agree with my position, she has to respect it or discuss it. It is not an unreasonable position, and there are probably some rare exceptions to the rule.
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  22. #142
    Registered User MediocreGains's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rabbitjb View Post
    Why does it matter?

    OPie has a firm line that anyone he is with must not see or speak to previous sexual partners

    Itโ€™s not something everyone agrees with but itโ€™s his line in the sand. If he made it clear thatโ€™s his expectation and she went anyway, then thereโ€™s only one course of action.

    The only bit that concerns me is if he didnโ€™t make it clear and expects thatโ€™s a default. Itโ€™s not, and IMHO it shouldnโ€™t be. Many believe that thereโ€™s a moral issue in cutting people who were once important to you completely out of your life because you are in a new relationship. I think that has merit too.
    Speaking to and meeting are different things. If he just messages her out of the blue and asks her how's she's been, that's a completely different thing from meeting together privately. Unless there's something major that makes it necessary to continue being in the other person's life (having kids together, etc), there's only one reason a man wants to see a woman he had sex with - to fuk her again. Unless she's an idiot, she knows that, and her meeting him makes her complicit to it's possibility. All that's needed is the right situation - getting drunk, a big fight, whatever.

    I've had women I've previously had sex with contact me and met even when they're in a relationship. They know what kind of guy I am. At worst, it's because they want dick. At best, they're weighing their options. They of course either didn't tell their boyfriend about me at all, of if they do, they'll just say that I'm a friend (I was never their friend, lol).

    And let's me real here. Knowing OP, there's no way in hell he didn't make this crystal clear from the very beginning. Dude is the type of guy to demand monogamy even from FWBs (which even I don't get). Hell, the reason she was lying and going behind his back is probably because he did make it very clear from the start.
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  23. #143
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    Respect for making the hard choices.
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  24. #144
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    that sucks boss. No rep beg but I used to frequent RH ~ 2-3 years ago and recall seeing you post frequently regarding your ex. I took some solace in your advice and post since I was dealing with a similar situation at the time.
    You seem like a very intelligent guy with great values so I hate to hear that it hasn't worked out again man but I'm sure someone great is out on the horizon for you brother.

    Best of luck and God Speed!
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  25. #145
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    The secret texting, meeting behind the back etc. is cut and dry emotional cheating.
    If I was OP whether she did anything physical or not would have zero bearing on anything due to the emotional cheating.

    There is no reason to probe and dig further or spectate on whether she physically did anything as the emotional cheating is there.

    This woman would already be cut out of my life but not everyone can do it as easily.

    Best of luck going forward
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  26. #146
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    Originally Posted by MediocreGains View Post
    Speaking to and meeting are different things. If he just messages her out of the blue and asks her how's she's been, that's a completely different thing from meeting together privately. Unless there's something major that makes it necessary to continue being in the other person's life (having kids together, etc), there's only one reason a man wants to see a woman he had sex with - to fuk her again. Unless she's an idiot, she knows that, and her meeting him makes her complicit to it's possibility. All that's needed is the right situation - getting drunk, a big fight, whatever.

    I've had women I've previously had sex with contact me and met even when they're in a relationship. They know what kind of guy I am. At worst, it's because they want dick. At best, they're weighing their options. They of course either didn't tell their boyfriend about me at all, of if they do, they'll just say that I'm a friend (I was never their friend, lol).

    And let's me real here. Knowing OP, there's no way in hell he didn't make this crystal clear from the very beginning. Dude is the type of guy to demand monogamy even from FWBs (which even I don't get). Hell, the reason she was lying and going behind his back is probably because he did make it very clear from the start.
    Absolutely. A harmless "hey how are things going" type back and forth with someone that was important to you in your past is far different than frequent contact and meeting in person. There is no way I'd meet up with a former sex partner if I were in a relationship. Obvi except for my ex because we share a kid. Even then, it wouldn't be secret and most likely wouldn't be just the two of us. Can't even think of the last time I've seen him without my son or his wife and step daughter present.
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  27. #147
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    Originally Posted by Rabbitjb View Post
    Yes I didnโ€™t mean to doubt you made it clear

    And I think thatโ€™s fair enough, it would go with the territory of being with someone like you

    Iโ€™m too lazy to meet up with people from my past, I can barely stand keeping up with people in my present tbh
    I'm not sure why you disagree with my position. I understand you're contrarian but, as usual, I reckon if we hashed it out we'd mostly agree.
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  28. #148
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    Well brah, can't polish a **** turd.

    Stay off Hinge (or whatever the fuk you guys use these days).

    Current GF of two years two months, I met in person at college (during the day at the cafeteria).

    Sorry brah but I gotta do this

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    Most guys on these forums would live in denial with a substandard woman. Congratulations on being strong. It'll benefit you in the long run.
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  30. #150
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    You did the right thing.
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