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    Registered User OhSnap!'s Avatar
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    Ex breaks no contact after 1.5 month of silence. What do?

    Extremely long story short. I worked overseas in Scandinavia, met a local, lived with her for a year, miscarriage, thick as theives. I got homesick and decided to leave on a whim, telling her i'd be back, yet never did (completely selfish and wasnt 100% into it). She decided to visit me over the summer in the U.S. and she was very distant, yet intimate. This drove me nuts. She chilled out near the end of the trip and stated she wanted me in her life. Back home, she grew more distant after a month, and I come to find out she has a new guy. I went away as best as I could, but since she did the damn take away i went away somewhat like a bish.

    Fast forward, a few months, she continues to reach out every so often, asking how I am, asking if im ok, ready for the holidays, sorry if i hurt you etc? She tells me ill always have a special place in her heart yadda yadda yadda. After she tells me that nonsense I go no contact after Christmas. This past weekend I noticed she blocked me on IG as I have very few friends on there. Then a day later I get a FB message from her asking how I am and wondering if Im still planning my trip up there (she remembered the day), and she I asked if Id see her when I arrive.

    I asked her why she blocked me, then deleted her IG, and now contacting me, and she states shes going through a tough time mentally and social media doesnt help. I know she had an extremely tough time when I left, and now Im thinking maybe shes having a tough time with her current guy perhaps? I know she's been contacting me throughout her current relationship, albeit nothing crazy. Ive kept the current conversation light, and shes keeping it together (No I miss you's and shes taking a day or more to respond) but Im not sure if Im walking into a rebound type situation. Any insight on how you guys would approach this one?
    Last edited by OhSnap!; 02-07-2020 at 05:30 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post
    Extremely long story short. I worked overseas in Scandinavia, met a local, lived with her for a year, miscarriage, thick as theives. I got homesick and decided to leave on a whim, telling her i'd be back, yet never did (completely selfish and wasnt 100% into it). She decided to visit me over the summer in the U.S. and she was very distant, yet intimate. This drove me nuts. She chilled out near the end of the trip and stated she wanted me in her life. Back home, she grew more distant after a month, and I come to find out she has a new guy. I went away as best as I could, but since she did the damn take away i went away somewhat like a bish.

    Fast forward, a few months, she continues to reach out every so often, asking how I am, asking if im ok, ready for the holidays, sorry if i hurt you etc? She tells me ill always have a special place in her heart yadda yadda yadda. After she tells me that nonsense I go no contact after Christmas. This past weekend I noticed she blocked me on IG as I have very few friends on there. Then a day later I get a FB message from her asking how I am and wondering if Im still planning my trip up there (she remembered the day), and she I asked if Id see her when I arrive.

    I asked her why she blocked me, then deleted her IG, and now contacting me, and she states shes going through a tough time mentally and social media doesnt help. I know she had an extremely tough time when I left, and now Im thinking maybe shes having a tough time with her current guy perhaps? I know she's been contacting me throughout her current relationship, albeit nothing crazy. Ive kept the current conversation light, but am I setting myself up for walking into a trap? She still have feelings? Any insight on this one you dang relationship gurus?
    Grass is always greener syndrome. That, or she wants you to be her gay best friend who supports her emotionally, while the other guy just smashes her.

    Outside of movies, have you ever heard of an LTR from Texas to Scandinavia ever working out? Seriously?!
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  3. #3
    Registered User OhSnap!'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MiscInformed View Post
    Grass is always greener syndrome. That, or she wants you to be her gay best friend who supports her emotionally, while the other guy just smashes her.

    Outside of movies, have you ever heard of an LTR from Texas to Scandinavia ever working out? Seriously?!
    That last sentence hit me right in the feels. Maybe I'm being somewhat unrealistic.
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post
    That last sentence hit me right in the feels. Maybe I'm being somewhat unrealistic.
    I meant LDR, not LTR, but the point is the same.

    LDR = long distance relationship
    "Thus, a good man, though a slave, is free; but a wicked man, though a king, is a slave. For he serves, not one man alone, but what is worse, as many masters as he has vices." - St. Augustine of Hippo

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  5. #5
    Never accept defeat! backinthegymbro's Avatar
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    Long distance never works out. women can't be single, they need constant attention, validation and also constant dick.
    The only reason she's hitting you up is probably because things aren't working out with her first choice guy.
    You're a temporary back up, or a possible green card.
    You'd be dumb to waste time and energy on her. If she really loved you, she wouldn't have left you.
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  6. #6
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post
    Any insight on how you guys would approach this one?
    Your ex didn't break NC, you did when you chose to reply to her.

    It doesn’t seem to matter how long it’s been but it still stings - picking up your phone only to find no text message, no missed phone call from the one person you’ve failed to convince yourself that you don’t want to hear from. It’s better this way, you tell yourself, the thought barely providing you with any comfort as you settle into bed and stare up at the shadows twisting against the ceiling wondering why the **** they haven’t even tried to reach out once, after so long when you’re having to almost tie your hands behind your back or nearly throw your phone out the goddamn window to keep from contacting them. It’s ****. This whole thing is ****ed. At this point you just want a breadcrumb. Aren’t you even worth that much? Isn’t what you had with the ex something worth sending at least one drunk text over? One “I miss you” or “Hey, how are you holding up?”

    Let’s talk about ego. A lot of people mistake it for arrogance, for an over-the-top amount of self-love. Ego is the part of yourself that thrives and ONLY thrives from external validation. Get a couple dozen likes on an Instagram post? Get someone insanely hot checking you out? The high you feel is your ego swelling up inside of you. Unsupported by your ex’s validation that you are desirable, attractive, worthy of love, your ego now collapses like a house of cards and without a haven inside yourself built on self-love and self-esteem where you can retreat, heal and self-soothe, the moments following will have you acting not unlike a drug-addict entering their come down, insanely hell-bent on securing their next high.

    The ego is volatile. One rejection, real or perceived, can send you reeling. The ego is easily satisfied. You get attention from someone new (or a whole host of people) and suddenly it feels like you might make it through this **** show that is the break up. The ego is always hungry. Even when you do find people to spend time with, suddenly when they get close enough to actually know you, it jerks you back to reality - you never really wanted the person, you wanted how they could make you feel. To be driven by ego, is to be lost. That panicky feeling you get at the thought of being alone? That may or may not result in you reactivating your Tinder profile? That is your ego on its hands and knees begging for relief. Feeling a disproportionate amount of disappointment and hatred towards yourself when someone you match with online or someone you went out on a great first date with suddenly ignores you? Essentially a stranger? That’s your ego starving again.

    I’ll take it back to your ex. That breadcrumb you’re so desperately hoping for? Without action and follow through subsequently backing it up, is your ex’s ego wanting reassurance from their most reliable source of validation (you) that you’re still going to be there to prop them up should the aftermath of the breakup have them feeling uncomfortable or undesirable. The ego is so powerful when it’s voracious that it will have you making claims and promises just so it can secure its stroke. This is how people are led on. This is why you suddenly stop hearing from you ex sometimes the moment you respond to their confetti-sprinkled breadcrumb because whatever flowery, romantic bull**** their ego had them spewing was of the moment, a product of fear and the need to gain control of you and the situation. Your ex is reassured now, their ego has had its fill from your kind, heartfelt response. Cue your ex unexpectedly back-tracking and them not delivering on what they hinted at or even outright promised. Until of course the next time your ex goes on a ****ty date or their almost relationship with someone new doesn’t work out, then his or her ego will need a top up again and another sweet, catch up text from them hits your phone.

    So as you lay there again in your bed with your phone clutched tightly in your hand, think: do you want their ego or do you want their heart? You want their ego? Post hot pictures of yourself on social media, make them think you’re seeing someone else, add a ****load of attractive people on your friend’s list, make every update or post scream “I’m-happy-as-****-without you-TM.” Your ex’s ego is easy enough to trigger. But you can never make it loyal to you. The ego flip-flaps, it’s hot and cold, it doesn’t care who its dealer is one week or the next. It can be you, it can be the next hot person they meet.

    What’s consistent? What has words matching actions? What makes you irreplaceable to someone? Love.

    Imagine yourself in a cold cell and you’re served one measly ****ing breadcrumb a day. Eventually, you’re so ****ing starved on this bull**** diet that your stomach shrinks and you actually get satisfied off of one crumb. You’re so hungry that you’re convinced that these pathetic, little crumbs your ex is throwing your way are like five-star Michelin dinners and yes you could subsist on this diet if you’re patient enough, you tell yourself in your hunger-induced delirium. Maybe the crumb is bigger one day, smaller the next, maybe your ex leaves you ravenous for days, weeks. Now, imagine yourself sitting on a massive, wooden dining table that’s illuminated by the glow of several candles, served three full courses, each dish more rich and flavourful than the last. You barely have time to put your cutlery down to savour a bite or to sneak a gulp of wine in between plates because the food is that delicious, you just keep spooning more and more into your mouth to the point of sheer contentment -

    TL;DR: So why the **** do you want breadcrumbs, again? Because it’s better than starving? You forget: you can feed yourself.

    Do not be a slave to your ego. Self-love is its antithesis, because when you learn to validate yourself, not only will you recognize your ex’s bull**** for what it is (not anywhere near what you deserve), but once you heal (and self-love will get you there so much faster) you’ll be able to connect with others from a genuine, honest place of interest and care, not fear and avoidance. You will be able to let go of those who do not value you because you will not be dependent on anyone for love and acceptance. You serve yourself the three full courses and anyone who recognizes your worth is lucky enough to be able to sit at your table.

    Yes, wanting your ex back is natural. But be careful for mistaking their ego for their heart.
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    Originally Posted by backinthegymbro View Post
    Long distance never works out. women can't be single, they need constant attention, validation and also constant dick.
    The only reason she's hitting you up is probably because things aren't working out with her first choice guy.
    You're a temporary back up, or a possible green card.
    You'd be dumb to waste time and energy on her. If she really loved you, she wouldn't have left you.
    This
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    Originally Posted by 1320it View Post
    Your ex didn't break NC, you did when you chose to reply to her.

    It doesn’t seem to matter how long it’s been but it still stings - picking up your phone only to find no text message, no missed phone call from the one person you’ve failed to convince yourself that you don’t want to hear from. It’s better this way, you tell yourself, the thought barely providing you with any comfort as you settle into bed and stare up at the shadows twisting against the ceiling wondering why the **** they haven’t even tried to reach out once, after so long when you’re having to almost tie your hands behind your back or nearly throw your phone out the goddamn window to keep from contacting them. It’s ****. This whole thing is ****ed. At this point you just want a breadcrumb. Aren’t you even worth that much? Isn’t what you had with the ex something worth sending at least one drunk text over? One “I miss you” or “Hey, how are you holding up?”

    Let’s talk about ego. A lot of people mistake it for arrogance, for an over-the-top amount of self-love. Ego is the part of yourself that thrives and ONLY thrives from external validation. Get a couple dozen likes on an Instagram post? Get someone insanely hot checking you out? The high you feel is your ego swelling up inside of you. Unsupported by your ex’s validation that you are desirable, attractive, worthy of love, your ego now collapses like a house of cards and without a haven inside yourself built on self-love and self-esteem where you can retreat, heal and self-soothe, the moments following will have you acting not unlike a drug-addict entering their come down, insanely hell-bent on securing their next high.

    The ego is volatile. One rejection, real or perceived, can send you reeling. The ego is easily satisfied. You get attention from someone new (or a whole host of people) and suddenly it feels like you might make it through this **** show that is the break up. The ego is always hungry. Even when you do find people to spend time with, suddenly when they get close enough to actually know you, it jerks you back to reality - you never really wanted the person, you wanted how they could make you feel. To be driven by ego, is to be lost. That panicky feeling you get at the thought of being alone? That may or may not result in you reactivating your Tinder profile? That is your ego on its hands and knees begging for relief. Feeling a disproportionate amount of disappointment and hatred towards yourself when someone you match with online or someone you went out on a great first date with suddenly ignores you? Essentially a stranger? That’s your ego starving again.

    I’ll take it back to your ex. That breadcrumb you’re so desperately hoping for? Without action and follow through subsequently backing it up, is your ex’s ego wanting reassurance from their most reliable source of validation (you) that you’re still going to be there to prop them up should the aftermath of the breakup have them feeling uncomfortable or undesirable. The ego is so powerful when it’s voracious that it will have you making claims and promises just so it can secure its stroke. This is how people are led on. This is why you suddenly stop hearing from you ex sometimes the moment you respond to their confetti-sprinkled breadcrumb because whatever flowery, romantic bull**** their ego had them spewing was of the moment, a product of fear and the need to gain control of you and the situation. Your ex is reassured now, their ego has had its fill from your kind, heartfelt response. Cue your ex unexpectedly back-tracking and them not delivering on what they hinted at or even outright promised. Until of course the next time your ex goes on a ****ty date or their almost relationship with someone new doesn’t work out, then his or her ego will need a top up again and another sweet, catch up text from them hits your phone.

    So as you lay there again in your bed with your phone clutched tightly in your hand, think: do you want their ego or do you want their heart? You want their ego? Post hot pictures of yourself on social media, make them think you’re seeing someone else, add a ****load of attractive people on your friend’s list, make every update or post scream “I’m-happy-as-****-without you-TM.” Your ex’s ego is easy enough to trigger. But you can never make it loyal to you. The ego flip-flaps, it’s hot and cold, it doesn’t care who its dealer is one week or the next. It can be you, it can be the next hot person they meet.

    What’s consistent? What has words matching actions? What makes you irreplaceable to someone? Love.

    Imagine yourself in a cold cell and you’re served one measly ****ing breadcrumb a day. Eventually, you’re so ****ing starved on this bull**** diet that your stomach shrinks and you actually get satisfied off of one crumb. You’re so hungry that you’re convinced that these pathetic, little crumbs your ex is throwing your way are like five-star Michelin dinners and yes you could subsist on this diet if you’re patient enough, you tell yourself in your hunger-induced delirium. Maybe the crumb is bigger one day, smaller the next, maybe your ex leaves you ravenous for days, weeks. Now, imagine yourself sitting on a massive, wooden dining table that’s illuminated by the glow of several candles, served three full courses, each dish more rich and flavourful than the last. You barely have time to put your cutlery down to savour a bite or to sneak a gulp of wine in between plates because the food is that delicious, you just keep spooning more and more into your mouth to the point of sheer contentment -

    TL;DR: So why the **** do you want breadcrumbs, again? Because it’s better than starving? You forget: you can feed yourself.

    Do not be a slave to your ego. Self-love is its antithesis, because when you learn to validate yourself, not only will you recognize your ex’s bull**** for what it is (not anywhere near what you deserve), but once you heal (and self-love will get you there so much faster) you’ll be able to connect with others from a genuine, honest place of interest and care, not fear and avoidance. You will be able to let go of those who do not value you because you will not be dependent on anyone for love and acceptance. You serve yourself the three full courses and anyone who recognizes your worth is lucky enough to be able to sit at your table.

    Yes, wanting your ex back is natural. But be careful for mistaking their ego for their heart.
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  9. #9
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    You guys are just complicating your lives by keeping in touch and continuing to seek each others validation that you're still "special" to one another.

    Move on.
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    If you wanna get back together or just bang, tell her you'll see her when you get there and cut contact man, stop wasting your time.

    Since she knows the day you're back just wait for her to hit you up when you're in town, get together with her, and fuk her like her current fukboi should.
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  11. #11
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    Just move on. Why waste your time with someone you didn't really want, that is an unrealistic option being so far away. Dafuq.
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    Originally Posted by 1320it View Post
    Your ex didn't break NC, you did when you chose to reply to her.

    It doesn’t seem to matter how long it’s been but it still stings - picking up your phone only to find no text message, no missed phone call from the one person you’ve failed to convince yourself that you don’t want to hear from. It’s better this way, you tell yourself, the thought barely providing you with any comfort as you settle into bed and stare up at the shadows twisting against the ceiling wondering why the **** they haven’t even tried to reach out once, after so long when you’re having to almost tie your hands behind your back or nearly throw your phone out the goddamn window to keep from contacting them. It’s ****. This whole thing is ****ed. At this point you just want a breadcrumb. Aren’t you even worth that much? Isn’t what you had with the ex something worth sending at least one drunk text over? One “I miss you” or “Hey, how are you holding up?”

    Let’s talk about ego. A lot of people mistake it for arrogance, for an over-the-top amount of self-love. Ego is the part of yourself that thrives and ONLY thrives from external validation. Get a couple dozen likes on an Instagram post? Get someone insanely hot checking you out? The high you feel is your ego swelling up inside of you. Unsupported by your ex’s validation that you are desirable, attractive, worthy of love, your ego now collapses like a house of cards and without a haven inside yourself built on self-love and self-esteem where you can retreat, heal and self-soothe, the moments following will have you acting not unlike a drug-addict entering their come down, insanely hell-bent on securing their next high.

    The ego is volatile. One rejection, real or perceived, can send you reeling. The ego is easily satisfied. You get attention from someone new (or a whole host of people) and suddenly it feels like you might make it through this **** show that is the break up. The ego is always hungry. Even when you do find people to spend time with, suddenly when they get close enough to actually know you, it jerks you back to reality - you never really wanted the person, you wanted how they could make you feel. To be driven by ego, is to be lost. That panicky feeling you get at the thought of being alone? That may or may not result in you reactivating your Tinder profile? That is your ego on its hands and knees begging for relief. Feeling a disproportionate amount of disappointment and hatred towards yourself when someone you match with online or someone you went out on a great first date with suddenly ignores you? Essentially a stranger? That’s your ego starving again.

    I’ll take it back to your ex. That breadcrumb you’re so desperately hoping for? Without action and follow through subsequently backing it up, is your ex’s ego wanting reassurance from their most reliable source of validation (you) that you’re still going to be there to prop them up should the aftermath of the breakup have them feeling uncomfortable or undesirable. The ego is so powerful when it’s voracious that it will have you making claims and promises just so it can secure its stroke. This is how people are led on. This is why you suddenly stop hearing from you ex sometimes the moment you respond to their confetti-sprinkled breadcrumb because whatever flowery, romantic bull**** their ego had them spewing was of the moment, a product of fear and the need to gain control of you and the situation. Your ex is reassured now, their ego has had its fill from your kind, heartfelt response. Cue your ex unexpectedly back-tracking and them not delivering on what they hinted at or even outright promised. Until of course the next time your ex goes on a ****ty date or their almost relationship with someone new doesn’t work out, then his or her ego will need a top up again and another sweet, catch up text from them hits your phone.

    So as you lay there again in your bed with your phone clutched tightly in your hand, think: do you want their ego or do you want their heart? You want their ego? Post hot pictures of yourself on social media, make them think you’re seeing someone else, add a ****load of attractive people on your friend’s list, make every update or post scream “I’m-happy-as-****-without you-TM.” Your ex’s ego is easy enough to trigger. But you can never make it loyal to you. The ego flip-flaps, it’s hot and cold, it doesn’t care who its dealer is one week or the next. It can be you, it can be the next hot person they meet.

    What’s consistent? What has words matching actions? What makes you irreplaceable to someone? Love.

    Imagine yourself in a cold cell and you’re served one measly ****ing breadcrumb a day. Eventually, you’re so ****ing starved on this bull**** diet that your stomach shrinks and you actually get satisfied off of one crumb. You’re so hungry that you’re convinced that these pathetic, little crumbs your ex is throwing your way are like five-star Michelin dinners and yes you could subsist on this diet if you’re patient enough, you tell yourself in your hunger-induced delirium. Maybe the crumb is bigger one day, smaller the next, maybe your ex leaves you ravenous for days, weeks. Now, imagine yourself sitting on a massive, wooden dining table that’s illuminated by the glow of several candles, served three full courses, each dish more rich and flavourful than the last. You barely have time to put your cutlery down to savour a bite or to sneak a gulp of wine in between plates because the food is that delicious, you just keep spooning more and more into your mouth to the point of sheer contentment -

    TL;DR: So why the **** do you want breadcrumbs, again? Because it’s better than starving? You forget: you can feed yourself.

    Do not be a slave to your ego. Self-love is its antithesis, because when you learn to validate yourself, not only will you recognize your ex’s bull**** for what it is (not anywhere near what you deserve), but once you heal (and self-love will get you there so much faster) you’ll be able to connect with others from a genuine, honest place of interest and care, not fear and avoidance. You will be able to let go of those who do not value you because you will not be dependent on anyone for love and acceptance. You serve yourself the three full courses and anyone who recognizes your worth is lucky enough to be able to sit at your table.

    Yes, wanting your ex back is natural. But be careful for mistaking their ego for their heart.


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  13. #13
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    Originally Posted by waymoreflythanu View Post
    If you wanna get back together or just bang, tell her you'll see her when you get there and cut contact man, stop wasting your time.

    Since she knows the day you're back just wait for her to hit you up when you're in town, get together with her, and fuk her like her current fukboi should.
    repped.. thinking this is a viable option.
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  14. #14
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    Update:

    I ended her last question with a closed off statement. She had no where to go with it. Yet she proceeds to message me today That shes really happy for me, and thats she lost 7kg in the gym, and shes feeling great. WTF is this?

    Id love to let this girl go, but we were seriously best friends and its the first girl I've ever been able to live with and be 100% myself. You dont find that everyday. I know the distance killed this girl and she had friends and family persuading her to find another boyfriend who was local, as the distance would never work. I think she was forced out of our relationship tbh. Im going to feel her out and see where this leads.
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  15. #15
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post

    Id love to let this girl go, but we were seriously best friends and its the first girl I've ever been able to live with and be 100% myself. You dont find that everyday
    Just lol if you think that ''best friend relationship and closeness'' is still present after a break up.
    As always, the OP is going against the collectve knowledge of the misc.
    Good luck getting back with her brah. See you later when you come back to say the misc was right when she's slooting it up or using you for a passport and then dumps you as soon as she gets her papers.
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  16. #16
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post
    Id love to let this girl go, but we were seriously best friends and its the first girl I've ever been able to live with and be 100% myself. You dont find that everyday. I know the distance killed this girl and she had friends and family persuading her to find another boyfriend who was local, as the distance would never work. I think she was forced out of our relationship tbh. Im going to feel her out and see where this leads.
    On some level, you are deceiving yourself. First for the reason why you do No Contact and the second for the reason why you break it. If No Contact involved you having to block your ex for as long as it took for you to honestly move on (barring those of us who have children with our exes or own a business with them): would you do it? Any hesitation means, in my opinion, that you shouldn’t start No Contact. You’re not emotionally ready to fully commit to it. It’s still a game in your mind – you can’t block them because you’re curious to see what response you’ll elicit, deep down you’re secretly hopeful that this will speed up the path to reconciliation, what if you miss that text from them saying they’ve made a mistake? This is the first lie: you’re using No Contact not for what it’s intended but to try to make your ex miss you enough so that they crack.

    However when the time it takes for them to reach out becomes infuriatingly, excruciatingly too long to stand and the stomach-dropping fear and panic set in that maybe they’re not even missing you at all and your attempt at a wake up call may be failing, you relapse. For a time, you may settle for the crumb communications temporarily until you experience enough hurt and dissatisfaction from being kept in the sidelines of your ex’s life that you re-start No Contact again. But if you operate under the same flawed motivation, relapsing is not matter of if but when.

    No Contact is for you so if you’re doing it to get your ex back, take a step back. You’re not there yet and the reason is the second lie: my ex is still the person I thought he or she was. You have not begun to be brutally honest and painfully real about your ex’s lack of investment in the relationship, have not clearly acknowledged and fully felt their rejection of you not simply from having broken up with you but every tearful, sleepless night that led up to it and those that followed after-

    The ignored texts, the unmatched efforts, doing things that cut into you like a knife: wanting to experience the freedom of being single, choosing to be with someone else over you, deciding that they’re too busy with school or work, never making time for you, not treating you like a priority, making you feel invisible and the loneliest you have ever felt even when they’re lying right next to you, having the disrespect to check out of the relationship without telling you, already entertaining other options, deciding that they can do better, leaving you in the dark to figure it out but rationalize it away to your insecurities. I don’t care what the sweetest thing they ever did for you was or how it all started so beautifully and felt so ****ing right: what matters is what your ex is doing now and whether or not they have shown you right at this moment that they want to be with you unequivocally in both words and actions, consistently.

    We have to cut through our own bull****. We all want to hold on to someone who once made us so unbelievably, breathtakingly happy. But we cannot live in the past, we cannot hand pick the parts or moments that allow us to live in the illusion and ignore the rest that demand we see the bigger picture. Be honest with yourself about how your ex hurt you and may still be hurting you if you’re allowing it – the act of breaking up with you alone is devastating. Don’t water it down or sugarcoat it, don’t turn the blame inward. Feel their rejection of everything you have built together and everything you have to offer to them as a loving, committed partner. You were on your hands and knees prepared to give them the world and they looked at you, at what you held up to them, your heart and what you thought was a beautiful future spent together, and they walked away. Are you going to ignore that and sand down the edges of your pain by being friends? By taking a demotion as a **** buddy?

    Whoever you fell in love with is gone. When you send that text, it won’t be that same person responding back to you. The only way you can even stand communication with this person so early in the break up is if you’re not real about who they are and what they’ve done to put you in this situation. You’ve magnanimously forgiven them – you have to, it’s the only way you can keep them in your life. By not acknowledging how they’ve hurt you and attributing it to some external reason (he/she needs to find themselves, they’re going through some personal issues right now, he/she just has problems with intimacy, they’re job is their number one priority in the next five years) instead of accepting the ugly but freeing fact that they simply don’t feel the same way, you are refusing to let go and telling them that their rejection of you as a partner is acceptable to you.

    It all boils down to how you feel about yourself ultimately and always: we have to have limits – if you have not reached yours yet with someone who has shown you that they do not want to be with you, why? Why are you still there trying to qualify yourself to be loved by them? Why are you still jumping through all these painful emotional and mental hoops? Why are you trying to twist yourself in every which way to be further from who you are and settle for less than what you want and into some preconceived notion of who they may want to spend forever with?

    Answer those questions before you begin No Contact and determine if you’re doing it for you. Because only when you truly realize that you’re better than this will you readily put yourself first without breaking. You will not mistake difficulty for impossibility, grief for regret, the journey for play-acting. You stick to it because you don’t want to spend the rest of your life trying to convince someone to see you - be seen by yourself in all the ways that you see your ex at their best and forgive them at their worst and you will have no regrets walking away because you know exactly what you brought to the table.

    source: reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/8avp9w/how_to_avoid_relapsing_examine_why_youre_doing_no/
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  17. #17
    Registered User 1320it's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post
    JESUS CHRIST!! REPS ALL AROUND! Best copy pasta Ive ever read, srs.
    lol her posts on reddit helped the most to help to move on. there are some really good treads here that helped me too!
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  18. #18
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    If you want a relationship with her... she's willing to move over or you'll go back there then you should pursue her, if not just go NC as you're both wasting your time.
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  19. #19
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post
    Update:

    I ended her last question with a closed off statement. She had no where to go with it. Yet she proceeds to message me today That shes really happy for me, and thats she lost 7kg in the gym, and shes feeling great. WTF is this?

    Id love to let this girl go, but we were seriously best friends and its the first girl I've ever been able to live with and be 100% myself. You dont find that everyday. I know the distance killed this girl and she had friends and family persuading her to find another boyfriend who was local, as the distance would never work. I think she was forced out of our relationship tbh. Im going to feel her out and see where this leads.
    I think you’re blowing it man, get off the phone and see her in person in a month. Feel her out over text? C’mon brah
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  20. #20
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    Originally Posted by 1320it View Post
    Your ex didn't break NC, you did when you chose to reply to her.

    It doesn’t seem to matter how long it’s been but it still stings - picking up your phone only to find no text message, no missed phone call from the one person you’ve failed to convince yourself that you don’t want to hear from. It’s better this way, you tell yourself, the thought barely providing you with any comfort as you settle into bed and stare up at the shadows twisting against the ceiling wondering why the **** they haven’t even tried to reach out once, after so long when you’re having to almost tie your hands behind your back or nearly throw your phone out the goddamn window to keep from contacting them. It’s ****. This whole thing is ****ed. At this point you just want a breadcrumb. Aren’t you even worth that much? Isn’t what you had with the ex something worth sending at least one drunk text over? One “I miss you” or “Hey, how are you holding up?”

    Let’s talk about ego. A lot of people mistake it for arrogance, for an over-the-top amount of self-love. Ego is the part of yourself that thrives and ONLY thrives from external validation. Get a couple dozen likes on an Instagram post? Get someone insanely hot checking you out? The high you feel is your ego swelling up inside of you. Unsupported by your ex’s validation that you are desirable, attractive, worthy of love, your ego now collapses like a house of cards and without a haven inside yourself built on self-love and self-esteem where you can retreat, heal and self-soothe, the moments following will have you acting not unlike a drug-addict entering their come down, insanely hell-bent on securing their next high.

    The ego is volatile. One rejection, real or perceived, can send you reeling. The ego is easily satisfied. You get attention from someone new (or a whole host of people) and suddenly it feels like you might make it through this **** show that is the break up. The ego is always hungry. Even when you do find people to spend time with, suddenly when they get close enough to actually know you, it jerks you back to reality - you never really wanted the person, you wanted how they could make you feel. To be driven by ego, is to be lost. That panicky feeling you get at the thought of being alone? That may or may not result in you reactivating your Tinder profile? That is your ego on its hands and knees begging for relief. Feeling a disproportionate amount of disappointment and hatred towards yourself when someone you match with online or someone you went out on a great first date with suddenly ignores you? Essentially a stranger? That’s your ego starving again.

    I’ll take it back to your ex. That breadcrumb you’re so desperately hoping for? Without action and follow through subsequently backing it up, is your ex’s ego wanting reassurance from their most reliable source of validation (you) that you’re still going to be there to prop them up should the aftermath of the breakup have them feeling uncomfortable or undesirable. The ego is so powerful when it’s voracious that it will have you making claims and promises just so it can secure its stroke. This is how people are led on. This is why you suddenly stop hearing from you ex sometimes the moment you respond to their confetti-sprinkled breadcrumb because whatever flowery, romantic bull**** their ego had them spewing was of the moment, a product of fear and the need to gain control of you and the situation. Your ex is reassured now, their ego has had its fill from your kind, heartfelt response. Cue your ex unexpectedly back-tracking and them not delivering on what they hinted at or even outright promised. Until of course the next time your ex goes on a ****ty date or their almost relationship with someone new doesn’t work out, then his or her ego will need a top up again and another sweet, catch up text from them hits your phone.

    So as you lay there again in your bed with your phone clutched tightly in your hand, think: do you want their ego or do you want their heart? You want their ego? Post hot pictures of yourself on social media, make them think you’re seeing someone else, add a ****load of attractive people on your friend’s list, make every update or post scream “I’m-happy-as-****-without you-TM.” Your ex’s ego is easy enough to trigger. But you can never make it loyal to you. The ego flip-flaps, it’s hot and cold, it doesn’t care who its dealer is one week or the next. It can be you, it can be the next hot person they meet.

    What’s consistent? What has words matching actions? What makes you irreplaceable to someone? Love.

    Imagine yourself in a cold cell and you’re served one measly ****ing breadcrumb a day. Eventually, you’re so ****ing starved on this bull**** diet that your stomach shrinks and you actually get satisfied off of one crumb. You’re so hungry that you’re convinced that these pathetic, little crumbs your ex is throwing your way are like five-star Michelin dinners and yes you could subsist on this diet if you’re patient enough, you tell yourself in your hunger-induced delirium. Maybe the crumb is bigger one day, smaller the next, maybe your ex leaves you ravenous for days, weeks. Now, imagine yourself sitting on a massive, wooden dining table that’s illuminated by the glow of several candles, served three full courses, each dish more rich and flavourful than the last. You barely have time to put your cutlery down to savour a bite or to sneak a gulp of wine in between plates because the food is that delicious, you just keep spooning more and more into your mouth to the point of sheer contentment -

    TL;DR: So why the **** do you want breadcrumbs, again? Because it’s better than starving? You forget: you can feed yourself.

    Do not be a slave to your ego. Self-love is its antithesis, because when you learn to validate yourself, not only will you recognize your ex’s bull**** for what it is (not anywhere near what you deserve), but once you heal (and self-love will get you there so much faster) you’ll be able to connect with others from a genuine, honest place of interest and care, not fear and avoidance. You will be able to let go of those who do not value you because you will not be dependent on anyone for love and acceptance. You serve yourself the three full courses and anyone who recognizes your worth is lucky enough to be able to sit at your table.

    Yes, wanting your ex back is natural. But be careful for mistaking their ego for their heart.
    I assume this is a copy/paste, but nonetheless it was beautiful and well written
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  21. #21
    Registered User OhSnap!'s Avatar
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    Fukd it up boyos. I asked her why she was upset and wanting to see me, and she says she wasn’t happy with her current relationship and she just wants stability and to build a family. I lost it because she had a miscarriage with our child. For her to say she wants a family with him destroyed me.

    I told her rather bluntly that she still has feelings for me since she still continues to contact me. Also told her that she should give us another chance. I was such a little bish. She admitted to having feelings for me still but not ready to let her current boyfriend go. I told her it’s either see me in May for another go or to leave me alone. She got pissed and said “I love you but we should go our separate ways, I won’t contact you if that’s what you want.”

    I let emotions get the best of me. If I woulda been chill I woulda been able to see her in May and fukd her like an American, not a Swede. She would be back where I wanted her. I let my anxiety control me and lost her, acting like a little beta bitch, telling her she’s confused and she still wants me *cringe * God it hurts, but for the best. Learn what not to do here boyos.
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  22. #22
    Registered User 1320it's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post
    Fukd it up boyos. I asked her why she was upset and wanting to see me, and she says she wasn’t happy with her current relationship and she just wants stability and to build a family. I lost it because she had a miscarriage with our child. For her to say she wants a family with him destroyed me.

    I told her rather bluntly that she still has feelings for me since she still continues to contact me. Also told her that she should give us another chance. I was such a little bish. She admitted to having feelings for me still but not ready to let her current boyfriend go. I told her it’s either see me in May for another go or to leave me alone. She got pissed and said “I love you but we should go our separate ways, I won’t contact you if that’s what you want.”

    I let emotions get the best of me. If I woulda been chill I woulda been able to see her in May and fukd her like an American, not a Swede. She would be back where I wanted her. I let my anxiety control me and lost her, acting like a little beta bitch, telling her she’s confused and she still wants me *cringe * God it hurts, but for the best. Learn what not to do here boyos.
    There was so much advice given in this thread and you chose to ignore it

    See what happened?
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  23. #23
    Registered User DustinTheHuss's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 1320it View Post
    There was so much advice given in this thread and you chose to ignore it

    See what happened?
    OPs never listen to the advice and then regret it later.
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  24. #24
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    I don't think what the op did was too bad. Might aswell put it all out there and find out one way or another. If she rejected you now, being chill until May wouldn't have done anything.
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  25. #25
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    Originally Posted by OhSnap! View Post
    Fukd it up boyos. I asked her why she was upset and wanting to see me, and she says she wasn’t happy with her current relationship and she just wants stability and to build a family. I lost it because she had a miscarriage with our child. For her to say she wants a family with him destroyed me.

    I told her rather bluntly that she still has feelings for me since she still continues to contact me. Also told her that she should give us another chance. I was such a little bish. She admitted to having feelings for me still but not ready to let her current boyfriend go. I told her it’s either see me in May for another go or to leave me alone. She got pissed and said “I love you but we should go our separate ways, I won’t contact you if that’s what you want.”

    I let emotions get the best of me. If I woulda been chill I woulda been able to see her in May and fukd her like an American, not a Swede. She would be back where I wanted her. I let my anxiety control me and lost her, acting like a little beta bitch, telling her she’s confused and she still wants me *cringe * God it hurts, but for the best. Learn what not to do here boyos.
    Lol. She your school principal or what?

    Dude what she said is not set in stone. When you get there surprise her...show up at her house.

    If you think she has a BF she’s involved with - stay the fuk away. else go for for the poosay
    **^^ Work hard AND more importantly, work smart ^^**
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