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    Registered User fatoldtiredugly's Avatar
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    Why won't the Doc even let me walk?

    Okay, I know I am a fat azz and I'm ugly. I haven't ever loved myself and believe if you can't do that then life is what it is.
    I haven't always been fat. I used to weigh 225 with a 30 inch waist. With roids I weighed 250 and I am only 5' 9" and a 1/2, yes I have to get the half inch in there.

    I am a retired nurse. For the last five years have been in a major depression refusing to take the zombie meds they wan't to give me. I am an ex steroid freak who messed up his metabolism something terrible. I have Congestive heart failure, a dozen herniated discs from cervical all the way to L5/S1.

    I am a disabled Vet with flat feet, hundreds of bone spurs, acute tendonitus in both ankles. Three torn meniscus, two in right one is a partial and one in left. I have severe arthritis. I have sever carpal tunnel in the right wrist and moderate in the left from walking cane use. I refuse to wear oxygen and cannot walk 20 feet without looking like I just ran a marathon. I have PTSD, major depressive disorder, boderline personality which really sucks. I can even go on but I want.

    I am not crying about it. All this is self infliction. I deserve to be morbidly obese on the edge of death. If I had the courage I wouldn't even be here. I think ending it would be the bravest thing one could do.

    My comment to people that ask how I am is "Old, Fat and tired". A comment true to every word.

    I am a 54 almost 55 year old wonder. All the ortho's ask me how I walk. They say a person at 400 with my health problems should not be able to. I tell them I have to. With my borderline personality disorder and my mom gone now I have too. Once you stay in a chair it's over. Yeah it hurts and yes I could do something about it. For the last five years though I didn't care. I stayed in my own world and ate what I wanted to eat. Yes we fat pieces of crap overeat. I would not be able to decide some days so I would stop at Mickey D's, then Jack's and then I might even go to Taco Casa so I could enjoy it all.

    The congestive heart failure came from being vane, having over 20 inch biceps and a small waist. Going to the bar just to see how many women I could pick up in one day. Mamma always said pretty is, is pretty does. Man she was right. Hell mamma was right about everything. I used to talk about fat people and she would always say "Little Nicky, what comes around goes around." Too bad we never listen to mamma before it's too late.

    Okay now that I bitched myself out, it actually feels good to talk to myself like that, because I deserve it.
    My question is the cardiologist is saying my malignant hypertension and CHF will not let me exercise even on a treadmill at a very slow pace. He said I would have a massive heart attack, a stroke or the walls of my heart may make me bleed out. Why can't I walk? I think he is full of crap and being over protective.
    Does anyone think I should just go for it?

    Side note; I have been on a diet for 35 days. I want to lose weight now. I am out of my depression. I do not have anyone to help me face to face though because of my borderline personality disorder, we just don't like relationships at all. I did the oMad diet for 30 days and lost 25 pounds, I then had one cheat day and then went on a 3 day fast, oh what pain that caused not just because I couldn't eat, but I cleaned out my bowels too. My butt hole still burns. Now I am back on the oMad and we are at day 36. I lost 15 pounds on the fast, of course we know it's not true weight loss and I have to weigh in a minute and really don't want too lol. I know I gained at least 5 or more pounds back when I ate yesterday.

    I am doing a YouTube channel just for me really to stay motivated, writing a journal to help if you can call it a journal.

    Maybe I am just writing this because it's the only place I think some will understand. Although most of the people here probably do not even know what fat looks like, I am sure there are many that have transformed their-selves in here and hope someone can just tell me something that helps. Borderline personality sucks and their is really no treatment for it. So I guess it is better to be heard than seen in this case.

    I do hope you all achieve your goals and live life to the fullest. I have wasted mine and it may be too late to reclaim it.
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