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  1. #1
    Registered User Dundee1996's Avatar
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    Post Whats wrong with me?

    First of I'm going to introduce myself my name is John. I have done so many wrong things in my life I think about suicide almost everyday. I have messed up so many relationships that I'm living a nightamare. I try to make the best of this life because everybody says u only have one shot at life and this is it. I understand that now.

    Something I didnt understand until it was too late. You only live once. I was paranoid when I was younger. I thought I might get another chance at life or nothing was as it seemed. But thats all balojni and garbage when I think about it now.

    If u have read this far now I'm going to get into the meat of why I feel like this and u can give me advice/tips and or answers as to how I can make my life better what I should do.

    Because quite frankly I really don't know. I'm going to give u my mistakes/regrets in lists so it doesnt become one big thing to read and understand.


    1.) I quit boxing & wrestling

    When I was 10 I joined pop warner football (2006) I played and I really liked it. I also was going to the gym with my friend carlos and we would box each other all the time sparring and having fun. I usually went after school it was alot of fun.
    I remember the trainer telling me that in about 6 months I would go on and be able to fight. I was stoked. But then I left and never went back.
    I have no idea why to be quite honest I remember I just left after a workout and just never returned. I did it for a few months. I remember my friend carlos looked at me and said I should go back and I never did. When it was time to sign up for pop warner the next year I didnt sign up. I left that as well.


    2.) Ive never been in a relationship with a girl.

    I'm 23 and the title says it all. When I was 10 I had a girl ask me out with her friends. I accepted but then my friend told me I shouldnt go out with her and I went back and told her no.
    I also asked every girl out in that grade because my friends dared me. I did. Most of them.said yes. I remember this nice girl came to me and asked if i was for real. She really liked him. I told her no and it was a dear and I did like her too.
    I know this sounds funny but its really not because I missed out on all those experiences. Ive been into girls for as long as I can remember. Ive been wanting to have sex with a girl since I was about 8. Then the next year a hot girl from my grade asked me out and I rejected that also.
    I was 11 I was ready dont know why I rejected. Then the next year a couple of girls asked me out rejected them all. Then the next year when I was 13 my last year in middle school another girl asked me out and guess what rejected her too and didn't pursue it.
    Then in high school 14 a couple of girls came onto me but nothing I pursued. High school I didnt get much attention. It was mostly in middle and elementary school where I could have gotten all my experience.
    Then in my senior year there was a girl who was coming onto me but nothing I pursued.
    Until this day ive gotten to have no experience with a girl except for when I was 21 I hired a prositute/escort to have sex with. because I was so desperate, nothing I'm proud of. The only date I ever went with a girl was when I was 21 we just had a beer and then thats was it. I didnt keep going on with her because I didnt want to use her for sex or just to say I have a girlfriend because I honestly wasn't really attracted to her and I didnt want to use her just to have a girlfriend.


    3.) I quit wrestling at 15 in high school.
    I played in a play my freshman year. I was going to try out for the track team the end of my freshman year but I didnt pursue that. My sophomore year I did kenpo karate and completed it. Getting me prepared for wrestling once on the team and once I joined it. It felt great one of the greatest feelings but then about a week later I went up to the coach and told him I quit. He was so shocked. Nobody treated me the same after. My friend told me who liked me so much said i could become state champion said I dont talk to quitters. Thought about suicide since I was 16. I remember the coach came to me and said u coming back when I was in my junior year and I remember I was so embarrassed I didnt know what to say. I didnt say anything. He said I guess thats a no then. My friend wanted me to play lacroose with him after wrestling but since I left that that didnt happen. I was going to join football my junior year but I left that as well. I dont know what is wrong with me. By the time I graduated high school I felt like **** and wished I could take it all back.


    4.) My father.

    My father left me when I was 4. A little backstory my mother left me when I was 6 because someone reported her and her boyfriend my half brother's father doing drugs. Which they were they did heroin all the time.
    My grandmother came and got custody of me and my half brother. He was a baby I was 6. My mother has been a drugatic my whole life. Shes been to so many rehabs. My uncle my grandmother's son and my mother's brother came and always visited. He was a drunk because he was transgender.
    Struggling with his identity and blaming his parents for what he is. Me and my little brother always got caught up in this because we lived with our grandmother. He said things in my growing up that is beyond absurd. I never had no male role model growing up. It was always just me.
    I always wanted my father.
    Always wanted to be with my father. Then my guidance counselor told me when I was 14 that I can find him thru social security and I did. I met him. Great times we had. I was so happy to meet him. Then the 3rd time and last time I saw him for a while was the beginning of august 2011.
    I saw him again in march of 2017. This time I messed up. I worked with him friday morning. We doing demolition in a guys house. Someone my father knew. Its was fun we were basically there all day renovating.
    Then my we went out with his girlfriend and my little half sister for the whole rest of the day. We went to a mall he bought me some clothes then we went out to eat then we went to the movies. We went to see get out now I know thats not a family film but we went to see it because I told my father I wanted to and I wasn't complaining.
    But then about halfway in the movie his wife leaves and they follow. I was so mad. The first movie i ever went to with my father. We went back home and I stayed up all night with my sister.
    I went to sleep then woke up the next morning and everything changed. I called my grandma and told her u guys are my family i dont know why but when I woke up I felt like ****.
    When I think about it now I feel like its something I could have maybe brushed off or went out on the porch and think about what I'm doing. I told her I felt like leaving.
    She said leave just do it. Pretty crazy shes just telling me that. Shes diagnosed with ptsd, bi-polar, chlostrophobia, high anxiety and many other things. Shes not all the way there.
    I told her its not that bad and I was getting a little sick of her telling me to just do it when she knows I want and like being with my father.
    I said forget about it and hung up because it sounded stupid to me but nope I did it called my father told him my grandmother had a heart attack I really meant to say she was sick but I was trying to say anything to get him to take me to the bus station.
    He did and he was very upset probably couldnt believe he woke up to something like that. I just hit him with that. Hes still affected to this day about it and says he has no trust in me because after he dropped me off I talked to my grandmother in the station and said to her can u believe what they did I said.
    They left me in a movie. She got pissed when I told her and my father thiught she was having a heart attack and then she called him and said what a horrible father u are. Ur son wanted to see a movie with u and u couldnt even stay. She said u and his mother are horrible parents and he said **** U!!! **** U!!!
    I was so upset when she told me she did that. Honestly im still in shock to this day abiut what I did and I recieved alot of crap from him and my sister after that especially him and I understand and I feel I' the responsible because I am.
    Horrible feeling when u feel like someone u loved so much and people loved so much and wanted to bukd a relationship with is burned. And that love is fading away because of something I did. Im not proud of that and I know what I did was wrong.
    He feels like I double crossed him and thats why he tells me he has no trust in me. He has said horrible things to me but I understand. A couple years up until around now a couple of months my sister left me a message and said how old r u that u go back and tell lies about how me and my family treated u.
    She said I'm done having u as a brother ur dead to me. Made me feel like **** I had to get pot to soothe that all out because I couldnt take all that. Then my father leaves me a message and starts bashing me and telling me he hade so much love for me and i threw it all out the window. I feel like such ****. My sister loved me so much and to hear this from people who loved u so much and I caused this to happen makes me feel like such ****. I cant take much more of this. My heart is killing me. Thats why I named yhe title "Whats wrong with me". Because seriously what is wrong with me and why did I do the things that I did. I'm making my life so difficult and it didn't have to be so difficult. I live with such regret its so horrible.


    I'm not proud of anything I did in my life. I didnt go to prom. I didnt go to any social events in high school or parties. I barely even hung out with people.
    I didnt take my sat or act tests. I quit sports or any time that it was a good time or something that I could have enjoyed I either quit or did something stupid like I did with my father.
    I was always in needs improvement classes because my test scores were always low in high school until my sophomore in high school when I passed proficiency with a score of 248 on the mcas.
    Massachusetts state testing for all schools in ma. But I failed by 4 points in math a 236. So I had to take study island my junior year until I finsihed all 64 lessons to get my diploma. But I only finished 34.
    Don't really even know how I got my diploma. By not passing the math mcas I wasnt able to for my junior license and I didnt get my license until I was 19 about 2 years after I graduated high school.
    I never gave myself enough confidence or tried putting any effort into anything. Im just here but thats it. Anytime something is going good for me I always find a way to mess it up. I dont know why I'm like this or whats wrong with me?
    Am I fixable or am I too far gone. I usually feel like I'm far gone now but I always get that spark that says keep moving forward no matter what. But it dies out and then I'm back to my depression again.
    I wanted to be a athlete but that dream is gone now. I wanted to be better but how can I now.
    I'm currently going to school for computer science full-time but I'm thinking about dropping out. Because I'm 23 still living with my grandmother and I want to move out. I wont be able to working part time.
    Also Ive been going to college for about five years now and only have my associate degree. A broad liberal arts degree. I went to community college for about four and a half years because I kept changing my major so much.
    Orginally went for gaming but then changed to finance then to business then to general then back to business then back to gaming then to liberal arts because I couldnt stay any longer and wanted a degree so there I have it. A broad associate degree in liberal arts.
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  2. #2
    Registered User DustinTheHuss's Avatar
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    Hi John, that sucks about thinking of suicide each day. I hope you are getting professional help.

    Could you please add cliffs on this, as it's hard for readers to read through the whole thing.
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  3. #3
    Registered User Nacured's Avatar
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    Skimmed through wall of text, didn't care about anything but you made me think about my own life.

    Specifically when I was 16-19, when I tried boxing, as a junior amateur I ended up 0-5 and as a pro amateur (from when I was 18-19) I was 0-2, so i ended up with a grand total record of 0 wins and 7 loses. I won't lie, I ended up crying after every single loss (because I lost, not cause of physical pain), I got KO'd in all but 1 fight (even with head gear in all junior bouts). LOL, why am I even typing this out lol.

    Edit- After thinking about it for a minute..I know why I'm ashamed of my fight "career"...my father and his brother (my uncle) were both fighters in their adolescence (from 3rd world countries were they actually had to fight for their lives) and I never had it to live up to their standards...so I felt weak compared to them *sigh*....

    2nd edit- Tried to cage fight once as well....got destroyed in the 1st round when I was 20ish, I wish I was tough like my dad...but I'm just a CUCKcountant (Accountant)! I never had to go through anything in my life unlike my parents cause I was born in a 1st country...

    Also yes...I am drunk.
    Last edited by Nacured; 10-11-2019 at 09:54 AM.
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  4. #4
    Registered User MiscInformed's Avatar
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    Too many words, not enough cliffs...

    I skimmed it though.

    1) Suicide is NEVER the answer.
    2) Get some professional counseling.
    3) It sounds like you're either disinterested in life or afraid of failure, so you don't follow through on anything. Sloots aren't the only ones who can have daddy issues. Little boys need male role models too and it sounds like not having one messed you up in the head. That's fixable.
    4) 23 years old is still the beginning of life. You have time to fix your problems now and make up all the ground you lost.
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  5. #5
    Registered User Ninshark's Avatar
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    dude, you're one messed up dude. commitment issues, insecure, weak, stupid. you NEED professional help, esp because you sound rational enough to understand all of this, there might be hope. My girlfriend's a counselor, you could go see her! You live in Texas?
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    Join the military.
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    Listen man, it is not your fault, seriously. I read all of it, and you sounds like a confused kid who was dealt a ****ty family situation by life. I actually identify with a lot of your story and I do not think any of it is your fault nor that you are messed up too bad, just some kinks that need to be worked on.
    My father left me as a child too and I did many of the things you regret like quiting sports, lying, not being good with girls. All of these bad traits come from not having a father figure in your life. But you know what? You do not need him now, he will never look at you as a real father would to his child, because you are a man now.

    Your life is within your hands, trust me, your father will not bring you happiness, that boat sailed long ago, the trauma you felt will always be there, BUT , always remember YOU are in charge of your life now.



    I think you would be doing just fine kid, but you need a little rationality in your life. I do not know enough about you but if I had to give you advice, I would tell you to finish your CS degree If that is too hard then finish any degree. Lift weights, practice meditation, read some books, and try to stay busy man.

    Family is important but once your in the 20s, it kinda loses most of its value. You missed out on a lot of things but your still very young and life still has infinitely more to give you, but this time, YOU are in control. Maybe someday you will have a large and beautiful family man, and you can be a great father to your children unlike your POS dad.
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    Registered User psychochillie's Avatar
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    Dundee you are young and at the beginning of your adult life still. I don't think you missed anything by not going out with girls in school - people rarely did that so young where I am from. You are still getting to know who you are and building your confidence in that. Maybe some professional help would help you work through the tough things from your past. You have so much great life ahead of you!
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    Originally Posted by Ninshark View Post
    dude, you're one messed up dude. commitment issues, insecure, weak, stupid. you NEED professional help, esp because you sound rational enough to understand all of this, there might be hope. My girlfriend's a counselor, you could go see her! You live in Texas?
    Shut the F up.
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  10. #10
    Registered User poolshark472's Avatar
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    Take it easy man. Things will be alright. You just have to accept what's already happened in your life and then work on nurturing some self love so that you can make the most of the rest of your time alive. I think some professional therapy, maybe psychotherapy for awhile, to talk about everything that's bothering you is something to definitely consider. It's okay to ask for help in this day and age bro. You owe it to yourself. You sound like a decent guy and should never feel like you don't deserve your own love and care.
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