Corporate jargon that pisses you off

[eod8989]

Glad i'm not the only one who hates this chit with a passion.

I've never understood why all these corporate idiots choose to play along with this fake jargon chit. Feels like i'm in another dimension surrounded by robotic copies of actual people sometimes.

Idk i feel like my IQ drops as soon as i hit the building

I've really been struggling lately with depression in the office. It's toxic and has destroyed me mentally. This morning i legit felt so isolated i went to the bathroom and cried.

I feel like the only real person in the office man. That is a bad feeling.

I was just telling my GF that the people in the office are like robots. Seriously all of them act the same like they are programmed to just act fake and bluepilled but idk how they cope. Then there is the worst drama you can experience on top of that. Just because people are bored and need something to complain about.

[LethalGunz34]

All,

There is leftover fruit in the kitchen from the client meeting. Please help yourselves!

Warmest regards,
Stella

[LethalGunz34]

Hi All,

Can someone please help BobbyD reach the plastic forks from the top of the fridge in the kitchen? Much appreciated!

Thanks,
Stella

[LethalGunz34]

Hey All!

Happy Friday!!! Please help yourselves to some bagels and cream cheese in the conference room!!!

Thanks!
Stella

[BroncManiac]

I hate people who send you an email, then call you 1 min later to ask if you've received their email. Or worse, they stop by the office 1 min later to tell you that they sent you an email, and wait there wanting you to read it right away.

Being a supervisor is like babysitting children. Employees think you have secret information about everything. My computer isn't working; what should I do? Call ****ing help desk for christ sakes.

[LethalGunz34]

Greetings,

Hope everyone is having a great day! Attached is an updated version of the emergency fire drill procedures. If you have any questions, please ask.

Thanks!
Stella

[LethalGunz34]

Hi All,

Daisy’s daughter is selling Girl Scout cookies for her school. Please see daisy by her cube by 4 PM today if you’re interested in purchasing some!

Thanks!
Stella

[mchabs]

Hi All,

Daisy’s daughter is selling Girl Scout cookies for her school. Please see daisy by her cube by 4 PM today if you’re interested in purchasing some!

Thanks!
Stella

Hello all!

Today is national doughnut day! Please help yourself to some doughnuts and coffee in the kitchen! Hurry before they're gone!



Kind Regards,
Dorothy

[r32gojirra]

I have a few from audit

“We’re going to rebaseline some core assumptions” - we lied

“Allow me to provide some additional context” - we lying

“I think it’s important to manage expectations up front” - we gon lie

“I think it’s important that we’re all singing from the same songsheet” - we got caught

“Can I just test something with you” - nikka you lying

“Just so we’re all on the same page/in the interests of transparency” - stop lying

“Let’s run it up the flagpole and see who salutes” - this some straight bull**** but we ran outta options

[TonyNail]

"Please, Do the needful"

[DropTheBS]

Let’s be sure that we get all of our ducks in a row before we go offline for the weekend.

[Jhuth13]

"Please, Do the needful"

Came in expecting this on the first page.

Also hate it when people reply and its 100% clear they didnt read your email.

"Thanks! Can you send me the latest info on project A?"

"...see bolded in original message."

[jazi]

"reaching out" and "touching base"

how about you give me a reach around and touch the base of my cock

[SportCoat]

Newest one: Using "WE" as a passive aggressive way to suggest that "YOU" do something.

"Are we setting that meeting today?"
"Are we sending that out later?"
"Are we fcking ourselves this afternoon for lunch?"

Let's hear 'em, office brahs...

[DeadlyStriker]

Luckily I'm in management on the warehouse portion and not the corporate side. So instead I deal with the exact opposite issue.

But thankfully when I am talking with corporate, everyone just talks normal.

I know soon I will be entering a different career path, most likely in the corporate world, and I will not speak like that. I refuse. If someone says something about it, I will take joy in showing everyone around me the idiocy of the corporate jargon.

[LethalGunz34]

Hey LG34,

Did you get a chance to check out the difference we have on the statement?

Thanks,
Mike


Mike,

I’m sitting in the cube 4 feet away from you. Fukk off.

King Regards,
LG34

[WinnerByChoke]

No you probably wont playa.

I am a bigtime talker, get along with everyone, smoke cigarettes, refused to shave and worked in a ****ty corporate job for over 2 years. (Just pointing out not the standard office robocel)

I got told within 2 weeks my emails were too conversational, and after 3 months was sending essentially all of these types of emails mentioned in this thread.

Unless you're rich or have some mega talent a company desperately needs, you will conform. It is just the way it is. Avoid at all costs. I'm making less than half of what I made there, but at least work with normal people.

[WinnerByChoke]

Luckily I'm in management on the warehouse portion and not the corporate side. So instead I deal with the exact opposite issue.

But thankfully when I am talking with corporate, everyone just talks normal.

I know soon I will be entering a different career path, most likely in the corporate world, and I will not speak like that. I refuse. If someone says something about it, I will take joy in showing everyone around me the idiocy of the corporate jargon.

See post above

[redwine91]

Such an accurate thread lol

[John L]

ITT: no one is doing the needful

[Ed_Norton_fan]

When the indians try to comprehend lingo/slang
Even funnier in Australia. Caught one the other month with google open searching 'cheers meaning'

He then proceeds to use it incorrectly every time. Every time someone thanks him he responds back with 'cheers'

[LethalGunz34]

When the indians try to comprehend lingo/slang
Even funnier in Australia. Caught one the other month with google open searching 'cheers meaning'

He then proceeds to use it incorrectly every time. Every time someone thanks him he responds back with 'cheers'

My clients were based in London so every email started off with Greetings.

[DeadlyStriker]

No you probably wont playa.

I am a bigtime talker, get along with everyone, smoke cigarettes, refused to shave and worked in a ****ty corporate job for over 2 years. (Just pointing out not the standard office robocel)

I got told within 2 weeks my emails were too conversational, and after 3 months was sending essentially all of these types of emails mentioned in this thread.

Unless you're rich or have some mega talent a company desperately needs, you will conform. It is just the way it is. Avoid at all costs. I'm making less than half of what I made there, but at least work with normal people.

Yes I will. I'm not a bitch. I won't be confrontational, but I won't act like a beta woman to please fuks in the office. My emails are purely for one purpose, and one purpose only. To be direct about what is needed, without any emotional attatchment. For example.

Recent example of an email I sent:

Hey Janet,

Can you please re-send the AM order list. I did not receive it.

Thanks,

Deadly

And then you after they respond you send your direct and quick note of appreciation for doing the task.

I will never talk like a ******* simply to appease. I am there to do a job. I don't care about sounding cool and hip and professional. Waste of time.

[LikeAMachine]

Help me understand

[BulkingIsHard]

Something something diversity

[DarthCholo]

My big one already was on page 1. My direct reports are banned from saying "please advise". Just ask a freaking question of you want to ask a question. I've literally replied to those with . "I advise to ask me what you want".

[Peter Ruby]

i hope this email finds you well


BRB FKN BLOOD BOIL when i read that chit

I hope this post finds you well.

[Voidgaze]

"Hit the ground running"

[CommonPheasant]

One guy at the place I just quit went through project manager training and lapped up all the corporate speak terminology like a thirsty dog lapping up water. Gives him a warm security blanket I guess.

[Auburn RSX-S]

I used to be a contractor for the department of defense and whenever there was a contract re-negotiation, we would always lose a position or two. At one point, one of the main managers said that a couple of people were going to be "de-scoped". U WHOAT

It turned into an office meme.