Corporate jargon that pisses you off

[MustardTiger17]

VIP
VVIP srs
Opportunities
Engagement
Coaching

[scudda]

How can someone do this for 30 years?




































Kindest regards

[CAbody]

My tribe....

Why The F do we need to rename everything? You work at the same company. You're not family. You're not promoting togetherness or collaboration by calling it a tribe.

[wabbajack]

A week ago was also the first time I heard bio break at a job interview. I thought it was just their way of having fun and attaching biology to it since I work in a research lab. Now IM disappointed to learn it’s just corporate jargon. Makes sense it was in the Bay Area as well

[ChelshireCat]

VIP
VVIP srs
Opportunities
Engagement
Coaching

All of this... “We have an opportunity for you”, fuk off kunt.

[EnderG60]

All of it, every last bit of having to word what you say to not offend, or sound aggressive, and cover your ass at the same time. Its all fuked.

Ive spend the last 4 years learning how to speak to clients and not make them mad while not being a push over.

The only thing Ive really learned is I want nothing to do with any of this. Everyone has their head up their own ass and the money is not worth dealing with this convoluted crap. I just want to go back to doing actual design work and leave the corporate political crap to someone else.

[solidus2k3]

howestizer had some good corproate lingo

value-added
diversified
thought leader

[rainieravesouth]

- just so we're on the same page (your dumbass wasn't paying attention so let me repeat myself)

- hit the ground running (hurry the fk up)

- looping in [enter name] (adding the people who need to be in this email because your dumbass forgot)

- just a heads up (for your fkn information, moron)

[DropTheBS]

Need pricing back ASAP.

what is asap? tomorrow? next week? Give me a deadline date damnit!

Know a guy who used ASAP in email every time he wanted something. The idea was by expressing urgency it made it seem that the team he requested help from would be less inclined to help in even what's considered a timely fashion, unless he specifically stated "ASAP". Toxic culture.

Eventually, people catch on that you really don't need things "ASAP" (i.e., the customer isn't really going to walk if you don't get them something within ten minutes). In my case, quite often if it WAS sent within a very short time period, it just sat in this guy's inbox until he was ready to send it to the client, whenever that was. So we started calling BS on him and their entire department about the threat and urgency.

My best to you,
DropTheBS

[proteinsnake]

Glad i'm not the only one who hates this chit with a passion.

I've never understood why all these corporate idiots choose to play along with this fake jargon chit. Feels like i'm in another dimension surrounded by robotic copies of actual people sometimes.

[Voidgaze]

"Let me know if you have any questions..."

75% of the time that means "Please don't bother me with any questions..."


Also anything that comes from a technical recruiters mouth. I've ran into 2 that aren't a complete joke.

[roko79]

My fiancé works in creative so it’s even more bull**** in her field.

“We need to hire an HTML rock star!”

“We need a .Net Ninja”

Just post you need an indian comp sci guy on w2 for 60 dollars an hour, ffs

[Silencespeaks]

Has anyone posted a corporate bingo chart yet? Good to get through dull meetings.

[DropTheBS]

Here are two more empty corporate activities...

"Replying All" for a message warranting no reply, and its corollary: the obligation to wish someone a "Happy Birthday" "Congratulations" or "Great job" in a massive circle jerk chat channel/group chat/email thread. I'm usually all for spreading positivity around the office and a birthday wish is a benign enough measure to do that, but holy chit, 85 happy birthday's in a row and responding just so you aren't singled out as the "negative" one or "not a team player".

[AlBHappy]

Reply all is automatic delete for me too.

I'm so excited to share with you. EVERY PHUCKING PRESENTATION starts with "I'm super excited...." I'm not, let's go

The phrase "rock star"

The phrase "secret sauce"

[Silencespeaks]

Helps with getting through long phone conference meetings.

[iabs]

I genuinely feel sorry for you cubecels.

[JoeDelts]

Here are two more empty corporate activities...

"Replying All" for a message warranting no reply, and its corollary: the obligation to wish someone a "Happy Birthday" "Congratulations" or "Great job" in a massive circle jerk chat channel/group chat/email thread. I'm usually all for spreading positivity around the office and a birthday wish is a benign enough measure to do that, but holy chit, 85 happy birthday's in a row and responding just so you aren't singled out as the "negative" one or "not a team player".

Strong username to post content ratio.

[EmmaW4tson]

people that go overboard with shortening things

"going forward" is passive aggressive as fuk

Going forward we need to touch base this afternoon.

[HouseOfISRAEL]

"livin' the dream"

code for wanting to jump off a cliff

"did you get my email?"

yes i got your fukking email, no i did not read it, i have more important **** going on

this

If you ask me to CC you on something you’ve guaranteed I’m specifically not going to

or if you CC execs/Managers for something simple, ill be sure to reply fast but string you along, ******* for the disrespect

or

"kick off meeting" god i hate that phrase for a introductory call on a project

[DCutch]

My company has a complete boner for the phrase "High-level" and I roll my eyes every time I hear it.

"Today's presentation is going to showcase a HIGH-LEVEL overview of blah blah blah..."

Look nothing about what you're saying is complex or "high-level" as you like to say. Just present your **** and gtfo.

[MuzzieChik786]

Employee Recognition Points - recognize your peer for doing their job.

:/

[Destor]

How about using "ask" as a noun? "I know it's a big ask..." Or using "folk" instead of "people" in presentations

[sdmk]

let's circle back on this thread later boyos

[LegDayLol]

"livin' the dream"

code for wanting to jump off a cliff

"did you get my email?"

yes i got your fukking email, no i did not read it, i have more important **** going on

aha we use this all the time ironically when we are having a chit day.



...

'Hi XXX,

hope you are well...'

See this one all the time, ridiculous.

[metafour]

"It's a good learning opportunity"

Anyone in accounting should know that this means you are being thrown on top of some straight fcuk sh*t.

[CLEAN_SET_OF_10]

Learning opportunity
Teachable moment

[oldandintheway]

“Metric” I’d love to shove a bar of soap in their mouths whenever I hear it.

Can’t really explain it other than it’s a lame attempt to sound intelligent

[iwant2beswole]

That indian coworker who's signature is

Thank you,
Raj Timothjeet



And then he ends his email with a Thanks, so you end up with


Thanks
Thank you,
Raj Timothjeet

[LethalGunz34]

Hey All,

Please be advised that the kitchen is used by everyone in the office and some foods may give off unappreciative odor. Please be aware of others.

Kind
Regards,
Stella