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  1. #1
    undead warrior brah Besaidbrah's Avatar
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    Unhappy How to scrub away my "yes man" personality trait

    I'm very conflict averse. I always have been since in my house growing up everyone was always fighting and yelling at eachother. Come home from school to people yelling and shouting kind of thing, sometimes hitting. When I moved out I was so sick of fighting that if I ever had to fight again it would be too soon. I just started acquiescing if I had to or going no contact, etc.

    Anyway, I was buying a used car last week and I barely know anything about cars and I feel like I got played by a sly salesman into signing my name up for a bad deal. Good deal for him, bad for me. I had a bad feeling in my gut but he was acting like he was my friend and like, putting pressure on me to sign it, and he didn't budge a single cent from the asking price and similar cars go for 1k$ less at other dealerships. He kept saying "You gotta do me a favour and take this price, my friend. Please do me a favour". I just feel like a fukking dope, and it's all because I'm so conflict averse. I take more chit than I should, and then later, I resent myself and the other person over it.

    On the other hand, I have siblings that fight fight fight because it's all they know, and they're hardly welcome anywhere because of it. So, at least I can still fit in polite company.

    Has anyone dealt with this issue before? How can I be more assertive? Are there any good books on this subject? I'm tired of feeling like a cuck but I don't want to over do it either.
    Ecclesiastes 3:8 A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.
    Proverbs 12:4 A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.
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  2. #2
    It’s a good day to die! Pterodactyl314's Avatar
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    Go a week telling everyone no and report back
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  3. #3
    undead warrior brah Besaidbrah's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pterodactyl314 View Post
    Go a week telling everyone no and report back
    No Fuggin way, forget about it!
    Ecclesiastes 3:8 A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.
    Proverbs 12:4 A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.
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  4. #4
    1 Mile 2 Mile 3 Mile FOUR MarinoMike's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Besaidbrah View Post
    No Fuggin way, forget about it!
    Do you like women?
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  5. #5
    undead warrior brah Besaidbrah's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MarinoMike View Post
    Do you like women?
    None of us would be on this site if we did.

    Too EZ
    Ecclesiastes 3:8 A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.
    Proverbs 12:4 A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.
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    Registered Republican Omnivium's Avatar
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    -decide your max price before you walk in. If they won't go at or below that price, 360 outta there

    -if you're not comfortable, tell them you'll think about it and get back to them later
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  7. #7
    Registered User Destor's Avatar
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    Gonna throw out a different perspective here

    Acquiescing because the guy was asking you to do him a favor is "yes man"ish, although it clearly was something you were comfortable with doing at the time, but I'll suggest not being hard on yourself for not excelling in a realm you're unfamiliar with. If you don't know chit about cars and aren't a somewhat seasoned car buyer, don't expect to walk into a dealership and knock it out of the park with salespeople. Take this as a learning experience and move forward, next time you'll be better prepared right?


    This chit requires experience + practice to do properly, and that can also be said of striking a balance between assertiveness / lack of conflict aversion and being personable
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  8. #8
    undead warrior brah Besaidbrah's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Destor View Post
    Gonna throw out a different perspective here

    Acquiescing because the guy was asking you to do him a favor is "yes man"ish, although it clearly was something you were comfortable with doing at the time, but I'll suggest not being hard on yourself for not excelling in a realm you're unfamiliar with. If you don't know chit about cars and aren't a somewhat seasoned car buyer, don't expect to walk into a dealership and knock it out of the park with salespeople. Take this as a learning experience and move forward, next time you'll be better prepared right?


    This chit requires experience + practice to do properly, and that can also be said of striking a balance between assertiveness / lack of conflict aversion and being personable
    Even at the time I felt a knot in my stomach. Like.. I don't know this guy and I think he's probably coked up, but he's pleading with me and acting like we're friends and he needs this.

    Car dealers are the scum of the earth, but I mean, I cave like this in many situations. I'm a people pleaser deep down and I just wish I could iron that trait out of me somehow
    Ecclesiastes 3:8 A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.
    Proverbs 12:4 A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.
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  9. #9
    Bar Bender naich's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Besaidbrah View Post
    Even at the time I felt a knot in my stomach. Like.. I don't know this guy and I think he's probably coked up, but he's pleading with me and acting like we're friends and he needs this.

    Car dealers are the scum of the earth, but I mean, I cave like this in many situations. I'm a people pleaser deep down and I just wish I could iron that trait out of me somehow
    I share that personality trait as well. It is great for working with others, but if someone is looking to take advantage of you, its a curse. Intuition is a hell of drug. If that knot in your stomach comes up, start asking more questions and be prepared to walk away from the situation. Start putting your foot down and saying no in easier situations that have less consequences. Work your way up from saying no to a doughnut to saying no to the car salesman.
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    Registered User workoutMoma's Avatar
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    I was like that several years ago.

    Until I got toyed by my ex. That's when I try to seek and love more of myself. If you love yourself more than anyone I believe that you can think thoroughly and rationally. You know what's best for you it's just that you are shy and don't want to hurt others. There is nothing wrong saying no it is for your own good.

    I watched a movie titled "Yes Man" might as well watch that movie lol.
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  11. #11
    Registered User oldandintheway's Avatar
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    Learn how to say “fuq dat chit”. It’s very zen like
    I get a tax deduction just by hanging out here

    More reps, no texts
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    Registered User bov188's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by oldandintheway View Post
    Learn how to say “fuq dat chit”. It’s very zen like
    Honestly, this is really good advice. Not giving a schit is a very empowering.

    There's nothing wrong with caring about other's well being and wanting to make people happy. But there is a problem when you try to make other people happy at your own expense. Unfortunately, we live in a world where many people will take advantage of guys like you ... And it's not always because they need something. Sometimes people take advantage of you just because you let them ... Don't be that guy.

    I'm a, "Yes man" too. I have a hard time saying no. I always feel like I'm disappointing people, or I'm letting them down if I say no. But I always remind myself that my happiness and well being comes first.
    Last edited by bov188; 08-20-2019 at 06:58 AM.
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    Registered User DrWilliam's Avatar
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    Remember that what you want is all that matters in life. Everyone else can literally die and burn in a fire, fukk em.

    Even if you are helping someone or consenting to what they want, you gotta think, what am I getting out of this? How is this situation going to benefit me ultimately over them? If you can't think of that scenario, don't do it.

    Adopt this mentality and you'll go far.
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  14. #14
    Curls for the girls GravityLee's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bov188 View Post
    Honestly, this is really good advice. Not giving a schit is a very empowering.

    There's nothing wrong with caring about other's well being and wanting to make people happy. But there is a problem when you try to make other people happy at your own expense. Unfortunately, we live in a world where many people will take advantage of guys like you ... And it's not always because they need something. Sometimes people take advantage of you just because you let them ... Don't be that guy.

    I'm a, "Yes man" too. I have a hard time saying no. I always feel like I'm disappointing people, or I'm letting them down if I say no. But I always remind myself that my happiness and well being comes first.
    This is such a good post. Op i really connected with your story. I grew up watching my mom abuse my dad. She has schizophrenia and he is too nice for his own good. I also am a conflict avoider. Chalk this up as a learning experience. I bought a car 6 mo ago. What i did was call and tell them what i was prepared to offer after asking number of owners and any accidents or damage. I bought a 1 year old car. Its unfortunate but guys like you and me we have to take the experience and I dont want to say “use the anger” but we have to use the experience to not go through that again.

    What i do is i have an exit strategy. For example i take my car in for oil change. “Sir you need $2000 of bull ****”. “No thanks man its not even my car its my uncles i just told him id change the oil but ill let him know”. I always leave myself an out.
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    Registered User mck2349's Avatar
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    its tough. practice is the best way - find opportunties to test it out.
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    Next time you are going into a situation where you're gona buy something... go in with a pre-determined mindset that you are not trying to "be the persons friend" or "want them to like you".. instead.. temporarily treat them like an "enemy"

    this shoudl alleviate some of ur symptoms
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    Holy fukking shyt it's as if I wrote the op. I know exactly what you are talking about and come from a very abusive upbringing and was exploited by people throughout my life. It doesn't help that I'm a good looking guy and a manlet (5'9) so don't come across as intimidating. There's just something on my face that makes people target me for exploitation or maybe they can read in my vibes that I detest conflict. My older brother was abused and even more but he's not like that but then again he's literally a manlet at 5'4 and those guys are naturally often very toxic as a coping mechanism no hate. I also hate retarded men that turn everything into a competition instead of focusing on bettering their life. E.g. doing facepulls at the gym, autist working legs in the squat rack comes up to me and asks if he can try the exact same weight. Fukking toxic human scum. People like that don't deserve much.

    With me, the people I got exploited by most though was my own family and they refuse to even acknowledge or admit it. All my other brothers are selfish as fukk and just keep trying to exploit each other. Now that I am giving firm no's my family sees me as the ******* because life is all about expectations. But you know what, I'd rather be viewed as selfish than be exploited by my degenerate family. They've hurt me enough.

    I honestly feel sorry for you because I know exactly what you are feeling and it's such a shytty feeling that only breeds because you feel guilty hurting anyone or anything in any way and then your actions and words reflect just how conflict avoidant you are and instead of appreciating that a lot of people try to exploit you.

    Find like minded people, it should help. Also find high IQ people. Some of them can be kunts but a lot of them are way more morally righteous and won't just try to exploit. Trust your gut feeling. If you're in school and some kid asks if he can be in your group, if you want to tell him no because you have a bad feeling then just say no. Slowly and slowly you can get much better at identifying it before it happens and be better for it.

    People like me honestly sometimes dislike men. I view men as unnecessarily competitive insecure exploitative and toxic *******s. Not all. But everyone I talk to I make sure is not like that. But generally in my life I've had much much better experiences with women who almost never try to exploit me in any way but more so allow themselves to be exploited which is the opposite of most guy's experiences. I mean if I was to pay for every dinner I didn't pay for I'd probably be owing $1k+ rn. So things usually balance out though I never ever pressure anyone to do anything for me they don't want to.

    But try not to make generalizations like me and try to find like minded people if you can. Are you in school?
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    You're Canadian, Im pretty sure its genetic.
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    I know where you are coming from. You have got to establish a basis of respect for yourself that you do not let others compromise. That doesn't mean you need to become a complete *******, but you have to recognize that you have value and stand up for that value instead of constantly placing everyone else at a higher value than yourself. Avoiding conflict is good but being a pushover is not. You should definitely look to remove sources of conflict from your life, but you can't live in complete fear of it to the point you just rollover at the first sign of conflict. You absolutely should not continue putting up with chit that makes you feel like a dope, allowing people to take advantage of you and hating yourself afterwards. People will use that fear of conflict to control you by instigating conflict so you give in to what they want, but they can't create conflict if you don't participate, just leave. Especially in a used car situation you never buy anything until you have walked away at least a couple times.

    The crazy thing is the more you start saying no, standing up for yourself, and feeling comfortable expressing your own thoughts and personality the more you will actually be liked.
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    Flip side of this OP is that you already know how to be an ******* if you need to be, you already know how to argue and all that chit from your family life. Maybe you hate it but it is a life skill in its own right, you just tuned it out because you did it every single day for years and years, that doesnt mean it doesnt have its place.

    I am pretty laid back and unassertive at work myself. I hate the politicking and I want to maintain working relationships. Trying to be more assertive in working relationships requires a more nuanced political approach and its a lot of energy for an introvert like myself.

    Outside of work though when dealing with various idiots - landlords, movers, utility companies the list goes on, sometimes you have to be a dik to get through to people. A lot of people are lazy. Its not that they are not helping you out of spite, they arent helping you because its the path of least resistance. If you become an *******, you may make it so that helping you now becomes the easiest path for them. Im not talking about yelling and cursing at them but being firm and persistent with them. The big thing to realize is that its not like youre going to be best friends with them, you just want whats right on your end. It doesnt have to be enjoyable for them, they just have to make things right. Sometimes you hear them grumble and sigh, that is a lazy person being forced to do their job properly.


    Theres different approaches though, I probably always go straight to the above approach but my coworker was pointing things out when I was venting with him explaining these people fuking up my move. He was right in that people often dont like to be wrong so you can give them an out. I took a less aggressive approach and I got things sorted and fixed, it was like pulling teeth tough just trying to get them to clearly state that we were now on the same page so that I had it for my records and I realized my coworker was right in that they just didnt want to admit they were wrong and they also had some lame excuse. In the end, I dont care about any of those things, only getting the problem fixed but it shows there are different ways to go about it.
    Last edited by elterrible987; 01-28-2020 at 03:17 AM.
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    I will give you another example OP, something that I learned from my old man who was always yelling, screaming, threatening ect ect.
    Most of the time its all an act. Well was legit angry all the time but the threats and all that were hot air.
    But I learned this intimidation can be useful.

    An example: I had an idiot do nothing landlord that managed properties full time, not the owner but a property manager. The least amount of time she spends helping people, the better, the more free time she has. The least amount of money she spends fixing things, the happier the owners are. Well she already was slow to react in the past and next time I go and call in something that is broken, she got the nerve to start complaining to me that shes spending too much to fix, this and that then starts talking about maybe I should move somewhere else if this isnt going to work ect. Im getting the vibe she is going to try to rip me off and play with my money. I dont stand for that. Now secretly Im scared shes going to rip me off, but she doesnt have to know that. Remember what I said above about people being lazy and you being a thorn in their side making helping you the easiest path. So I start talking over her telling her that its her job to have these things fixed and that she needs to do her job blah blah blah. I talk like an ******* to her. In the chance that she thinks she can rip me off, I want her to think that I will make it very difficult for her and so in the end she knows that it was easier to just help me. If you were meek with this person, she would walk over you and not help you. Sometimes you have to be an *******.
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    Car sales negotiation is different in that there is no conflict, so you dont have to be an ******* and I am friendly with them to an extent but mostly an unemotional autist. That could be its own thread with all of their distraction tactics and everything to get you to focus on meaningless data but basically if they were 1k over other dealerships and telling me that was their "final" offer I would tell them Its cheaper at xyz dealership and getup and leave and tell them Im going over to xyz dealership. They would try to tell you oh no it really isnt going to be that low, and I would tell them ok, well Im going to see for myself. And then they will beg you to stay as your leaving with a lower price, if its truely over.


    But what I typically do when shopping for a new car, is hit up a bunch of places for test drives only. So that I know specifically what car I want. I also read up for a while prices, dealership reviews, which places had problems, which places were legit ect. So that when I go in to buy the car, I know what I want and dont have missing data and other distractions.
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