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  1. #7591
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    So I was bored yesterday and got on the apps per usual. I had been talking to this girl for a couple of days and figured since I wasn't doing anything else last night may as well meet up in person to see if there's chemistry. Wasn't super into her but thought what the hell. Convo below:



    I haven't responded and doubt I will. Is that harsh? Even though I invited her without any notice, I still think it's rude to bail like that and not even apologize for doing so. I've got a second date tonight and a first date that I'm excited about on Sunday, so that makes it easier to next her. However, if this happened with a girl I was really into, what would be the best way of dealing with it? My natural inclination is to be direct: tell her that it was rude, and that I'm not looking for a girl who flakes. I know it's normal in online dating but I have no patience for that sort of thing. Then see how she reacts and if she agrees, apologizes, etc. If she doesn't see error of her ways then no point in even continuing the conversation. Thoughts?
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  2. #7592
    Registered User Legz422's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DustinTheHuss View Post
    As he stated, a new therapist is a wise choice.

    Clear some space in your PMs.
    Oops lol Done.
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  3. #7593
    Registered User Legz422's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HangingChad View Post
    So I was bored yesterday and got on the apps per usual. I had been talking to this girl for a couple of days and figured since I wasn't doing anything else last night may as well meet up in person to see if there's chemistry. Wasn't super into her but thought what the hell. Convo below:

    snip[/img]

    I haven't responded and doubt I will. Is that harsh? Even though I invited her without any notice, I still think it's rude to bail like that and not even apologize for doing so. I've got a second date tonight and a first date that I'm excited about on Sunday, so that makes it easier to next her. However, if this happened with a girl I was really into, what would be the best way of dealing with it? My natural inclination is to be direct: tell her that it was rude, and that I'm not looking for a girl who flakes. I know it's normal in online dating but I have no patience for that sort of thing. Then see how she reacts and if she agrees, apologizes, etc. If she doesn't see error of her ways then no point in even continuing the conversation. Thoughts?
    Absolutely rude to not at least apologize for flaking.
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  4. #7594
    Copeaesthetic HangingChad's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Legz422 View Post
    Absolutely rude to not at least apologize for flaking.
    Right? Thank you!

    And oddly enough she apologized earlier in the conversation for driving home from work...as if taking 15 minutes to reply to my invitation was somehow out of line lol
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  5. #7595
    Registered User Legz422's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HangingChad View Post
    Right? Thank you!

    And oddly enough she apologized earlier in the conversation for driving home from work...as if taking 15 minutes to reply to my invitation was somehow out of line lol
    People are weird.

    As for if you were really into her how to handle. Hmmmmm...... Not really sure. Saying something like "a heads up that you couldn't make it before the hike would have been nice" is what I'd want to say but not sure about saying that to someone you haven't even met yet.
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  6. #7596
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    Originally Posted by HangingChad View Post
    So I was bored yesterday and got on the apps per usual. I had been talking to this girl for a couple of days and figured since I wasn't doing anything else last night may as well meet up in person to see if there's chemistry. Wasn't super into her but thought what the hell. Convo below:
    Seems like a minor thing to next someone over especially when she said she still wanted to meet afterwards
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  7. #7597
    🅳🅰🆂 🅸🆃 Luc1fer's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HangingChad View Post
    I haven't responded and doubt I will. Is that harsh? Even though I invited her without any notice, I still think it's rude to bail like that and not even apologize for doing so. I've got a second date tonight and a first date that I'm excited about on Sunday, so that makes it easier to next her. However, if this happened with a girl I was really into, what would be the best way of dealing with it? My natural inclination is to be direct: tell her that it was rude, and that I'm not looking for a girl who flakes. I know it's normal in online dating but I have no patience for that sort of thing. Then see how she reacts and if she agrees, apologizes, etc. If she doesn't see error of her ways then no point in even continuing the conversation. Thoughts?
    I'm not sure, it's a really awkward and indirect conversation. She said "Yes", then you said jokingly "...better to just forget it :P", and she said "suit yourself ".

    Some women are insecure and your joke can be interpreted as a subtle rejection. I wouldn't personally, but I can see how an insecure person could.

    Be more direct next time, and don't leave any room for fuzziness. I think you're overreading this.

    I would've approached that convo differently anyway. I'd predict that a woman that has been out running and is sweaty is not going to want to meet up for a first date immediately after. I would've just said "Skip your run and come hike with me instead"
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  8. #7598
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    Originally Posted by Rebel012 View Post
    Wut? Nah, speak for yourself boyo.
    May not apply to you, but men on average generally are happier dating women who may not check all the boxes financially/physically if the woman is committed. It is primarily western women where you see this overwhelming desire to want the whole package and usually are a lot more picky with their choices of partners even if the man is 'good man'.
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  9. #7599
    Copeaesthetic HangingChad's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Legz422 View Post
    People are weird.

    As for if you were really into her how to handle. Hmmmmm...... Not really sure. Saying something like "a heads up that you couldn't make it before the hike would have been nice" is what I'd want to say but not sure about saying that to someone you haven't even met yet.
    Good point. Also I doubt I'd be super into a woman I hadn't even met yet. Not sure how that would happen. So maybe if this happened before the second or third date, that's a more realistic scenario. I'd probably opt for something a little harsher than what you wrote but not as firm as what I was thinking. Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between calling out chitty behavior and not be an ******* myself.

    Originally Posted by rikugunchusa View Post
    Seems like a minor thing to next someone over especially when she said she still wanted to meet afterwards
    It is minor, no argument there. That's part of why I was asking for feedback, much appreciated.

    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    I'm not sure, it's a really awkward and indirect conversation. She said "Yes", then you said jokingly "...better to just forget it :P", and she said "suit yourself ".

    Some women are insecure and your joke can be interpreted as a subtle rejection. I wouldn't personally, but I can see how an insecure person could.

    Be more direct next time, and don't leave any room for fuzziness. I think you're overreading this.

    I would've approached that convo differently anyway. I'd predict that a woman that has been out running and is sweaty is not going to want to meet up for a first date immediately after. I would've just said "Skip your run and come hike with me instead"
    Thanks brah. IMO the conversation wasn't awkward exactly, but I think my style of humor misses with a lot of women. I use self-deprecating humor and also tease them. I've been accused of "negging" when that wasn't my intent at all. I grew up on the East Coast where people giving each other chit is a means of expressing affection. Out west it's a different game and I'm surprised when I offend someone accidentally; I expect they know my intentions are good, but they don't know that and with online dating people are naturally more guarded.

    Normally I'm very direct. Like the two dates I have set this weekend, I just told them when and where (in a polite/respectful way of course). I also set them up a few days in advance. In this case I was just sitting around and decided I was going to invite her regardless of whatever else she had planned. After she said she was running, I thought she'd either cancel her run to hike with me or ask to meet up a different time. I didn't think she'd want to do both and was impressed with her stamina (this wouldn't have been an easy hike).

    Appreciate all the feedback, gonna rep everyone now and see if it runs out. Not really sure how that works haha...
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  10. #7600
    🅳🅰🆂 🅸🆃 Luc1fer's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HangingChad View Post
    Thanks brah. IMO the conversation wasn't awkward exactly, but I think my style of humor misses with a lot of women. I use self-deprecating humor and also tease them. I've been accused of "negging" when that wasn't my intent at all. I grew up on the East Coast where people giving each other chit is a means of expressing affection. Out west it's a different game and I'm surprised when I offend someone accidentally; I expect they know my intentions are good, but they don't know that and with online dating people are naturally more guarded.
    Well, I'm similar to you and I know exactly what you mean. I won't hold back in person, but over the initial text a lot of nuance can be lost and misinterpretations happen due to difference in culture.

    Normally I'm very direct. Like the two dates I have set this weekend, I just told them when and where (in a polite/respectful way of course). I also set them up a few days in advance. In this case I was just sitting around and decided I was going to invite her regardless of whatever else she had planned. After she said she was running, I thought she'd either cancel her run to hike with me or ask to meet up a different time. I didn't think she'd want to do both and was impressed with her stamina (this wouldn't have been an easy hike).
    Fair enough, I just wouldn't read into this one too much.

    I tend to think ahead on behalf of other people, especially in my relationships, because I find that people generally are terrible at thinking or planning ahead in regards to how they'll feel after activity x. Of course that's her responsibility, not yours - but you'll be the one getting flaked on when she inevitably feels exhausted after running.

    Most people (in my experience) tend to think like this: 'I feel (in this moment) like I'd enjoy a hike, so I'll say yes.'
    I think like this: 'I feel like I'd enjoy a hike right now, but I recall feeling exhausted last time I ran, so I'll likely feel differently after my run, so I'll say no.'

    It's impulsive thinking vs non-impulsive.
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  11. #7601
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    Originally Posted by Konrai View Post
    May not apply to you, but men on average generally are happier dating women who may not check all the boxes financially/physically if the woman is committed. It is primarily western women where you see this overwhelming desire to want the whole package and usually are a lot more picky with their choices of partners even if the man is 'good man'.
    I'm not saying that people shouldn't compromise or revise their "lists" when it comes to dating and relationships, I think everyone should. But the criteria you outlined which you claimed most men are happy with--the woman simply is willing to be commit--leaves a lot to be desired, and a man who settles based on such narrow criteria isn't going to be happy long term.
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    Originally Posted by Konrai View Post
    It's more of a mindset some women develop, especially when they are financially well off. In the west it is just more common for a woman with high level of independence to have the mindset of 'not needing her partner', or willing to drop him for a 'better man' in the event he doesn't meet her needs. To make the concept more basic, most men who are highly independent and financially stable are usually willing to 'settle' for almost any women(providing she has a good head on her shoulders) and actually remain committed.Some Women on the other hand who fall into that same category tend to be less 'content' with their partner and choices he makes, and it usually shows in their behavior in the relationship.

    Men are just designed to be the provider and almost always do better in a relationship when they are able to fulfill that role and truly feel like their partner 'needs' them. When they are with a woman who really just has no need for them, other than emotional, it usually will cause a level of discomfort in the relationship. Of course this doesn't mean you both cannot work out and live happy lives, it is just something both of you may run into down the road.
    Originally Posted by Konrai View Post
    May not apply to you, but men on average generally are happier dating women who may not check all the boxes financially/physically if the woman is committed. It is primarily western women where you see this overwhelming desire to want the whole package and usually are a lot more picky with their choices of partners even if the man is 'good man'.
    Originally Posted by Rebel012 View Post
    I'm not saying that people shouldn't compromise or revise their "lists" when it comes to dating and relationships, I think everyone should. But the criteria you outlined which you claimed most men are happy with--the woman simply is willing to be commit--leaves a lot to be desired, and a man who settles based on such narrow criteria isn't going to be happy long term.
    I fully agree with you, my first post perhaps was not clear enough that I was not stating commitment as the only criteria, which is why in my second post I assumed it was a bit more understandable. But again yes, commitment I don't believe should ever be the only thing someone brings to the table in any relationship, as that does not deal with the issue of emotional compatibility long term.
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    Had a sit down with the gf. She's been moody/down/non-sexual the past 2-3 weeks.

    Asked her what was wrong; she says 'nothing' as usual. Told her if she can't or won't communicate with me, the relationship can't continue. I said I can deal with a bad mood for a few hours, but won't tolerate it for this long - I'd rather just be single since it makes me uncomfortable.

    Seems like she was acting weird because we had an 'argument' about the whole BLM stuff. She accused me of 'not caring' and I basically said she was buying into the anti-racist progressive propaganda, that BLM was an organization which has manipulatively hijacked a moral position, and that I was actively reading studies and researching. Which btw, has led me to the position that the primary factor is poverty, not race or racism. Discussing why black folk are in higher poverty is a separate discussion worth having, but I argued that focusing on racism for all disparities doesn't align with the per-capita data.

    Anyway, I think she's never really had someone questioning her positions and didn't react well to it. We agreed that my intent was good, but that our communication styles were different. IMO, it's her position that's problematic - not willing to have critical discussions on topics. I think that's related to her age, but not fully. When I was her age, my friends and I were openly debating subjects.

    Anyway, after confronting her, she seems to have changed her tune for now. We'll see how it progresses.
    I learned from my past relationship is to never discuss politics with ANYONE unless they have similar views, otherwise it could get nasty. Also LOL at sensational chit causing her to be moody.
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    Originally Posted by DanielleGreen View Post
    I learned from my past relationship is to never discuss politics with ANYONE unless they have similar views, otherwise it could get nasty. Also LOL at sensational chit causing her to be moody.
    Honestly, I used to be the same way, but it’s a great tester imo. Current partner couldn’t keep up with my political debate but it never got heated. If you can’t find a partner to stay cool during a debate then next him/her. Best way to see people’s limits.

    Also lol’d at the sensational part also lmao
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    Originally Posted by HangingChad View Post
    So I was bored yesterday and got on the apps per usual. I had been talking to this girl for a couple of days and figured since I wasn't doing anything else last night may as well meet up in person to see if there's chemistry. Wasn't super into her but thought what the hell. Convo below:



    I haven't responded and doubt I will. Is that harsh? Even though I invited her without any notice, I still think it's rude to bail like that and not even apologize for doing so. I've got a second date tonight and a first date that I'm excited about on Sunday, so that makes it easier to next her. However, if this happened with a girl I was really into, what would be the best way of dealing with it? My natural inclination is to be direct: tell her that it was rude, and that I'm not looking for a girl who flakes. I know it's normal in online dating but I have no patience for that sort of thing. Then see how she reacts and if she agrees, apologizes, etc. If she doesn't see error of her ways then no point in even continuing the conversation. Thoughts?
    Im complete opposite of everyone elses opinion on this.

    You stated that you were going hiking. In her head you were doing this activity before her. She went for a run and became tired; didnt want to hike. Normally I would agree an apology would make sense but she offered to hang out after your hike. You should have messaged something like "Aw too bad your getting old, lets get a bite to eat Im sure we both will be starving".
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    Originally Posted by FemaleWarriorxo View Post
    Honestly, I used to be the same way, but it’s a great tester imo. Current partner couldn’t keep up with my political debate but it never got heated. If you can’t find a partner to stay cool during a debate then next him/her. Best way to see people’s limits.

    Also lol’d at the sensational part also lmao
    An old friend of mine made a post on FB about how many people they deleted because of their political views. I kept scrolling after that. It's really getting bad these days.
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    Originally Posted by HangingChad View Post
    So I was bored yesterday and got on the apps per usual. I had been talking to this girl for a couple of days and figured since I wasn't doing anything else last night may as well meet up in person to see if there's chemistry. Wasn't super into her but thought what the hell. Convo below:

    I haven't responded and doubt I will. Is that harsh? Even though I invited her without any notice, I still think it's rude to bail like that and not even apologize for doing so. I've got a second date tonight and a first date that I'm excited about on Sunday, so that makes it easier to next her. However, if this happened with a girl I was really into, what would be the best way of dealing with it? My natural inclination is to be direct: tell her that it was rude, and that I'm not looking for a girl who flakes. I know it's normal in online dating but I have no patience for that sort of thing. Then see how she reacts and if she agrees, apologizes, etc. If she doesn't see error of her ways then no point in even continuing the conversation. Thoughts?
    not rude at all. Your invitation was impromptu and she still suggested seeing you on the same day. After a strenuous exercise its normal to feel to tired and not ready for ANOTHER exercise right after
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    Originally Posted by drvillain View Post
    not rude at all. Your invitation was impromptu and she still suggested seeing you on the same day. After a strenuous exercise its normal to feel to tired and not ready for ANOTHER exercise right after
    I don't think his problem is that she flaked, it's that she didn't even say sorry for flaking.
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    Originally Posted by Legz422 View Post
    I don't think his problem is that she flaked, it's that she didn't even say sorry for flaking.
    As I said, it's plausible she thought the meet was off.
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    Originally Posted by Legz422 View Post
    I don't think his problem is that she flaked, it's that she didn't even say sorry for flaking.
    i hear ya, but it's hard for me to accept it as "flaking" since she still wanted to see him
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    As I said, it's plausible she thought the meet was off.
    Yeah, true. Him saying that may have confused her. But she could have said something right away to confirm.

    Originally Posted by drvillain View Post
    i hear ya, but it's hard for me to accept it as "flaking" since she still wanted to see him
    Yeah this is true too. That's why I wouldn't say anything about the no apology. It's hard to judge especially when you haven't even met the person yet so don't really know what they're like.
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    Originally Posted by DanielleGreen View Post
    An old friend of mine made a post on FB about how many people they deleted because of their political views. I kept scrolling after that. It's really getting bad these days.
    I get that. I’ve been deleted by multiple people due to my beliefs lol Even by own family.

    Social media just encourages this type of behavior tbh. Waahhh someone has a different opinion than me and I can’t handle it it’s a lovely time lol I’ve noticed Americans delete me more than my foreign friends. Pretty interesting imo
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    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    Well, I'm similar to you and I know exactly what you mean. I won't hold back in person, but over the initial text a lot of nuance can be lost and misinterpretations happen due to difference in culture.
    Exactly. It's that initial texting where I can get myself into trouble. For example last weekend one of my dates texted to say she was going to be five minutes late. Totally reasonable and very considerate of her to let me know. I texted her back and told her not to worry, that we would figure out a way for her to make it up to me. I meant it in a flirty/joking way, but that's not how it came across to her at all. I probably should have used an emoji to make it clear, but as a mid 40s fairly masculine guy it goes against my nature. I have to force it...now if we already knew each other she would know how I intended it.

    Originally Posted by Luc1fer View Post
    I tend to think ahead on behalf of other people, especially in my relationships, because I find that people generally are terrible at thinking or planning ahead in regards to how they'll feel after activity x. Of course that's her responsibility, not yours - but you'll be the one getting flaked on when she inevitably feels exhausted after running.

    Most people (in my experience) tend to think like this: 'I feel (in this moment) like I'd enjoy a hike, so I'll say yes.'
    I think like this: 'I feel like I'd enjoy a hike right now, but I recall feeling exhausted last time I ran, so I'll likely feel differently after my run, so I'll say no.'

    It's impulsive thinking vs non-impulsive.
    This really hits home for me and was an issue with my ex. I was the "adult" in the relationship and always had to be the one thinking of the bigger picture. She was dependent on me for so much. Now I'm looking forward to going out with women who are more independent and can figure things out for themselves. You're right that it's a common way of thinking in our society, and since it has been a long time since I was dating, it may be more prevalent than I thought. I can be too rigid/logical at times, and not just with women I'm seeing.

    Originally Posted by BourgeoisBrah View Post
    Im complete opposite of everyone elses opinion on this.

    You stated that you were going hiking. In her head you were doing this activity before her. She went for a run and became tired; didnt want to hike. Normally I would agree an apology would make sense but she offered to hang out after your hike. You should have messaged something like "Aw too bad your getting old, lets get a bite to eat Im sure we both will be starving".
    Fair enough. Interestingly enough, your line is EXACTLY the sort of thing I would naturally say, but I've had to turn that part of my flirting way down with online dating because women will take offense, especially if they're insecure or don't know you. Maybe it's the women I'm selecting, or just the demographic in this area. Another reason I prefer meeting women IRL where it's so much more natural and I can just be myself.

    Originally Posted by drvillain View Post
    not rude at all. Your invitation was impromptu and she still suggested seeing you on the same day. After a strenuous exercise its normal to feel to tired and not ready for ANOTHER exercise right after
    Well, I agree that it makes logical sense to not do it back-to-back, but ultimately she was the one who thought she could do both. She was obviously fit from her photos and besides, I thought she was fully capable of deciding for herself. You're also right that it probably doesn't fit the traditional definition of "flaking" because she was really just putting our meet off for a couple of hours.

    Originally Posted by Legz422 View Post
    I don't think his problem is that she flaked, it's that she didn't even say sorry for flaking.
    True. Also, I suppose Lucifer is right that she may not have thought our plans were definite. You all make good points. It's a gray area so that's why I was relying on the wisdom of the Misc. Much appreciated everyone.

    Anyhow, I never responded. Today she texted to apologize and asked me out for coffee tomorrow (Saturday). I thanked her and said my weekend was booked which was the truth, so we have tentative plans for Wednesday.
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    Originally Posted by DanielleGreen View Post
    An old friend of mine made a post on FB about how many people they deleted because of their political views. I kept scrolling after that. It's really getting bad these days.
    LOL at those people.
    I see them also and just scroll past.
    the one's who mainly do that stuff live on FB and don't appear to have an actual job.
    not because of the virus either.
    they didn't have a job before that.

    I mainly use FB for hobby groups these days though.
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    surprised i’m having any success at all, i’m avg looking at best and mediocre pics, but i’m mostly matching with 5s

    got a date lined up on tinder for tmrw with a 5/10 but good job (not that my dick gives a chit though) , other than her though no matches don’t respond on tinder

    hinge i’m getting more matches and a couple 6s. had 2 video dates bc theyre not in nyc right now, first chick was mad nervous, 2nd chick looked even more hnggg (looked like a 7 in video) i’m surprised she didn’t unmatch me bc she mogged me hard

    tinder: 10 matches in 2 days, 26 likes but not paying gold to see which whales are interested. Only one chick responded to my msg although i only messaged 5 out of the 10 matches. And hoping she doesn’t flake tmrw

    hinge: 12 matches in 2 days. messaged all 12, 6 responded, 5/6 still talking to, had 2 video dates today
    Last edited by spazzin; 07-05-2020 at 07:05 PM.
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    should i wait until tomorrow to chat with the 2 girls i video chatted with? is it the same as a real date where u wait a day-day and a half before responding if they don’t respond
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    Originally Posted by spazzin View Post
    surprised i’m having any success at all, i’m avg looking at best and mediocre pics, but i’m mostly matching with 5s

    got a date lined up on tinder for tmrw with a 5/10 but good job (not that my dick gives a chit though) , other than her though no matches don’t respond on tinder

    hinge i’m getting more matches and a couple 6s. had 2 video dates bc theyre not in nyc right now, first chick was mad nervous, 2nd chick looked even more hnggg (looked like a 7 in video) i’m surprised she didn’t unmatch me bc she mogged me hard

    tinder: 10 matches in 2 days, 26 likes but not paying gold to see which whales are interested. Only one chick responded to my msg although i only messaged 5 out of the 10 matches. And hoping she doesn’t flake tmrw

    hinge: 12 matches in 2 days. messaged all 12, 6 responded, 5/6 still talking to, had 2 video dates today
    Congrats, those sound like good numbers. So you're near NYC? Makes sense that those of us who are average have success b/c of living near cities. I feel badly for the brahs that don't have big dating pools.

    Originally Posted by spazzin View Post
    should i wait until tomorrow to chat with the 2 girls i video chatted with? is it the same as a real date where u wait a day-day and a half before responding if they don’t respond
    Do you have any plans to meet up with either one in person? Will you eventually? Personally, I would hold off a bit since you just did the videos today. Let the anticipation build and see if they reach out too. That's just me though.

    Good luck on the date tomorrow!
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    Originally Posted by HangingChad View Post
    Congrats, those sound like good numbers. So you're near NYC? Makes sense that those of us who are average have success b/c of living near cities. I feel badly for the brahs that don't have big dating pools.



    Do you have any plans to meet up with either one in person? Will you eventually? Personally, I would hold off a bit since you just did the videos today. Let the anticipation build and see if they reach out too. That's just me though.

    Good luck on the date tomorrow!
    thanks homie, yeah i’m in nyc and it’s def easier than it is living in a small town. I wouldn’t mind meeting up with either one, one of them ended up chatting with me last night so i responded, other one i’ll hold off for a bit like u advise
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    Originally Posted by spazzin View Post
    thanks homie, yeah i’m in nyc and it’s def easier than it is living in a small town. I wouldn’t mind meeting up with either one, one of them ended up chatting with me last night so i responded, other one i’ll hold off for a bit like u advise
    You are in the best location man. I have a buddy out there and he was shocked that anybody pays for premium tinder lol, and he was unaware of any other apps (he had never heard of bumble), just because you really don't need more than one in nyc. He's more into hooking up though.
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    Originally Posted by drvillain View Post
    i hear ya, but it's hard for me to accept it as "flaking" since she still wanted to see him
    This is how I feel as well.

    Not only that, but a drinks date or whatever it would be is probably easier to get to know her or hook up than a hiking date. She did you a favor imo and presented a preferable situation.

    *shrug*
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