AdamWW's Retrospective 'Intuitive Eating' Test Log

[AdamWW]

Agreed. Idgaf if they tank the economy & start WWIII, if they're willing to strongarm the masterminds at Clif Bar & Co. to produce a carrot cake flavored gift from the gods of a protein bar, I'll be eating damn good in my fallout shelter.

The thing is, the mere existence of this protein bar would cure so many of our issues...

famine...

war...

racism...


global warming...


There's nothing this bar cannot fix!

[AdamWW]

Sup ya'll?

Well hot damn, near-fasted training this morning, trying a new thing where I have coconut water for carbs instead of water and it's working great. Just 10oz plus some EAA powder and it seems perfect to avoid reflux from solid foods.

Hit a GREAT session...

Barbel Rows

135x10
155x8
155x8
145x9
145x9

Weighted Pull Up

+10 x 8 for 4 Sets

DB Curls

4 sets of 10 with 27.5lb

Laterals

3 sets of 12 with 20lb

Hanging Leg Raise

3 sets to failure


Been really focusing on nailing my surplus lately and it's been showing great results. Really pleased with my rate of gain right now.

[AdamWW]

Finally... FINALLY... hit 200x5 on squats this morning, along with other PRs for this bulk =o)


Squats

175x6
195x5
195x5
200x5 (PR)

Romanian DL

155x10 (PR)
155x9
155x8

Pendulum Squats

100x12 (PR)
100x12
100x11
100x11

Seated Ham Curls

115x12
115x11
115x11

Standing Calf Raise

180x18
180x18
180x18

Cable Crunches

3 stes of 15

[Strawng]

Finally... FINALLY... hit 200x5 on squats this morning, along with other PRs for this bulk =o)


Squats

175x6
195x5
195x5
200x5 (PR)

Romanian DL

155x10 (PR)
155x9
155x8

Pendulum Squats

100x12 (PR)
100x12
100x11
100x11

Seated Ham Curls

115x12
115x11
115x11

Standing Calf Raise

180x18
180x18
180x18

Cable Crunches

3 stes of 15

Dasitmane! What do you think it was that changed with your diet &/or mindset toward bulking?

[AdamWW]

Dasitmane! What do you think it was that changed with your diet &/or mindset toward bulking?

In terms of hitting new PRs or just the commitment change?

I think the PRs are a combination of my body accumulating enough underlying repairs from the ED over the last several weeks/months that it can finally dedicate more of the energy I'm taking in to repairing muscle and not just fixing my CNS, hormones, organs, bones, etc... I'm now sleeping better, feeling happier, less stressed... it's EVERYTHING else that needed fixing before muscle growth could become a priority at all.

In terms of mentality, one big, BIG thing that switched was a desire to stop wasting time.

Once I finally started to see strength progress, any day I would have restricted before now seems like an insult to my training, because going into a session I now feel obligated to be over-fed in order to do the work. For example, now if it's an off-day, I have zero desire to restrict or lower calories because I know that tomorrow I NEED the energy to lift big. I had become so used to this fatigued, sore, tired feeling that I just thought that's how everyone felt.

Now that I finally OVER-fuel myself on purpose, I realize that training can actually GIVE me energy and not just drain my body into nothing. After a huge meal now, in my mind I'm not thinking "uh oh, the fat gain!".... instead, i'm thinking, "hell yes, imagine the crazy pumps I'll have tomorrow!".

It just started feeling good to feel strong... it took a lot of repeated exposure to get there though.. for sure.

One last thing that comes to mind is that I simply started valuing feeling happy and energetic over feeling in control of my leanness. Again, it took repeated exposure and time for my body to sufficiently repair in order for the happiness/energy to really kick in, but now that I see how much better it feels, I would NEVER consciously choose feeling lean/in control over feeling happy, energized, and focused.

I think one of the major genetic components to those who develop ED's from restriction is that starvation triggers the release of cortisol and adrenaline which gives us this tunnel vision, much like anyone who has experienced the profound fight or flight response from a stressful event. That focus/tunnel vision can be addicting, it kind of pulled me in, because you feel in control from all those hormones circulating and blocking out the real world... it takes away the feelings of hunger and desire and your whole life becomes an enslaved reality wherein you just want to cling to the control. Then, when you finally start feeding yourself, that focus and control goes away, and it feels wrong, un-hinged, and out-of-control... it can be really scary.

[Strawng]

In terms of hitting new PRs or just the commitment change?

I think the PRs are a combination of my body accumulating enough underlying repairs from the ED over the last several weeks/months that it can finally dedicate more of the energy I'm taking in to repairing muscle and not just fixing my CNS, hormones, organs, bones, etc... I'm now sleeping better, feeling happier, less stressed... it's EVERYTHING else that needed fixing before muscle growth could become a priority at all.

In terms of mentality, one big, BIG thing that switched was a desire to stop wasting time.

Once I finally started to see strength progress, any day I would have restricted before now seems like an insult to my training, because going into a session I now feel obligated to be over-fed in order to do the work. For example, now if it's an off-day, I have zero desire to restrict or lower calories because I know that tomorrow I NEED the energy to lift big. I had become so used to this fatigued, sore, tired feeling that I just thought that's how everyone felt.

Now that I finally OVER-fuel myself on purpose, I realize that training can actually GIVE me energy and not just drain my body into nothing. After a huge meal now, in my mind I'm not thinking "uh oh, the fat gain!".... instead, i'm thinking, "hell yes, imagine the crazy pumps I'll have tomorrow!".

It just started feeling good to feel strong... it took a lot of repeated exposure to get there though.. for sure.

One last thing that comes to mind is that I simply started valuing feeling happy and energetic over feeling in control of my leanness. Again, it took repeated exposure and time for my body to sufficiently repair in order for the happiness/energy to really kick in, but now that I see how much better it feels, I would NEVER consciously choose feeling lean/in control over feeling happy, energized, and focused.

I think one of the major genetic components to those who develop ED's from restriction is that starvation triggers the release of cortisol and adrenaline which gives us this tunnel vision, much like anyone who has experienced the profound fight or flight response from a stressful event. That focus/tunnel vision can be addicting, it kind of pulled me in, because you feel in control from all those hormones circulating and blocking out the real world... it takes away the feelings of hunger and desire and your whole life becomes an enslaved reality wherein you just want to cling to the control. Then, when you finally start feeding yourself, that focus and control goes away, and it feels wrong, un-hinged, and out-of-control... it can be really scary.

Damn that was very well-said & I completely agree with that last part. I'm still that way outside of exercise & diet. The way I throw myself into work in general gets those hormones running and I block the world out. I've just had to learn over time to respect that I need to "jump off that ride" of stress hormones so-to-speak & actively choose to disengage or even force myself to relax.

It also makes sense that your body prioritized organ/CNS repair over gains for quite some time, & I'm 100% with you on how good it feels to be in a surplus when you know it's gonna lead to an amazing workout.

[AdamWW]

Damn that was very well-said & I completely agree with that last part. I'm still that way outside of exercise & diet. The way I throw myself into work in general gets those hormones running and I block the world out. I've just had to learn over time to respect that I need to "jump off that ride" of stress hormones so-to-speak & actively choose to disengage or even force myself to relax.

Dude same here... this is likely also a big reason folks with ED's tend to be of higher intelligence and also somewhat obsessive/compulsive in different aspects of their lives... I know that's true for me.

[Strawng]

Dude same here... this is likely also a big reason folks with ED's tend to be of higher intelligence and also somewhat obsessive/compulsive in different aspects of their lives... I know that's true for me.

Yup. It takes a lot of work for people like us not to get complete tunnel vision in pursuit of things. This isn’t all bad, though, because many if not most people tend more towards losing sight of their goals because they’re unable to tune everything out & focus on what they want.

[AdamWW]

Yup. It takes a lot of work for people like us not to get complete tunnel vision in pursuit of things. This isn’t all bad, though, because many if not most people tend more towards losing sight of their goals because they’re unable to tune everything out & focus on what they want.

Totally. You see similar traits in people who develop other mental disorders as well... we tend to live in extremes within certain aspects of our lives, vs others who have a very easy-going or fluid approach to life and their ambitions. I'm a perfectionist, a clean-freak, a worrier, and have had both generalized anxiety and panic disorders... if the problematic aspects of our brains can be managed, we can do some pretty awesome stuff.

[AdamWW]

Hit 205x5 on squats today for my last 2 working sets. Felt LIGHT!

[AdamWW]

Now +15lb on the scale, my Test levels have tripled =o)

[Strawng]

Now +15lb on the scale, my Test levels have tripled =o)

DASITMANE!!! You’re extremely lucky to recover your test too! A lot of people younger than you lose it forever. Do you have a final weight in mind or are you just gonna continue to gain & let the chips fall where they may in a couple months?

[AdamWW]

DASITMANE!!! You’re extremely lucky to recover your test too! A lot of people younger than you lose it forever. Do you have a final weight in mind or are you just gonna continue to gain & let the chips fall where they may in a couple months?

Well I'm thinking waaaay past months... I have a lot of weight to gain still... we're talking LONG term bulking. Years!

To be honest, I used to have a 'goal' but honestly I don't see a point in setting that kind of thing for a couple reasons:

1. I've never actually given myself enough time while lifting to realize my potential or how I feel/look at higher weights... so I really don't even know what that world would be like.
2. It might give me a false sense of comfort in my recovery if I set a goal weight, get there, and feel like I've done enough.

What I DO know is that, health-wise, I've only had blood work come back 100% awesome when I was OVER 160lb. I also know when I was 172lb I was the strongest I had ever been. However, I stopped bulking because anorexia came back and I shriveled down to nothing again.... I probably could have kept going closer to 200lb and still been fairly lean if I gave it long enough. I was probably around 15% at 172lb.

In my entire life, my heaviest ever was just below 190, as a super chubby teenager... and the closest I've been since then is that 172 number... and I should have kept going.

So for now, I don't have a number where I plan to stop, also in part because I never plan to intentionally cut again, ever.

That being said, my guess is that I'll be able to get to between 180 and 200 in the long term while being at an athletic body comp and feeling good... so anywhere between 15-20% between those two weight areas.

In a way, I kind of want to challenge myself mentally to get to 200 as a milestone and major f*ck-u to my ED.... so really, I just want to build as much muscle as possible while staying healthy. I'm not too concerned about abs and all that, as long as I'm fit and performing well, etc.

But I won't lie... if I would bet I would look jacked AF weighing 190 at 15% or better. =o). But I do wanna know what it feeels likee to be 200lb... just for the strength level!

[Strawng]

This sounds like a great approach. I also scrapped the idea of a “goal weight” & just focused on slowly gaining. I’m actually continuing that process & DO NOT see myself stopping (forever bulking crew).

[AdamWW]

This sounds like a great approach. I also scrapped the idea of a “goal weight” & just focused on slowly gaining. I’m actually continuing that process & DO NOT see myself stopping (forever bulking crew).

I don't see a point to stopping either. I know that, at this point, my body seems to LIKE being between 12% and 16% bodyfat, somewhere in that range when I'm not restricting.... probably closer to 14%. If it ends up going over, that's fine, but I doubt it'd ever be by much just because Im active. Eventually I'm sure my settling point would just kick in and my appetite would tank, but that's a ways off.

In short, I just wanna get as strong and 'big' as I can while being as healthy as I can.

[Omni]

Now +15lb on the scale, my Test levels have tripled =o)

Awesome news man congrats!! Keep up the progress

DASITMANE!!! You’re extremely lucky to recover your test too! A lot of people younger than you lose it forever. Do you have a final weight in mind or are you just gonna continue to gain & let the chips fall where they may in a couple months?

This is a scary thing to read in regards to the testosterone being gone forever.. lol

[AlexSays]

Read the whole thing over a couple of days, so impressed well done Adam. Would rep but on spread.

I can't imagine what an eating disorder must be like and how much courage it would take to overcome, so many props for that. The only similar thing I can relate to is recovering from intravenous drug addiction, giving up that one thing that has become your entire life, the source of every goal, every thought, every action, every habit no matter how small (it also led to me becoming 126lb at times at 5'10'' so maybe something in common :P ) and having to start again completely new. Your posts (many pages back) about learning to walk again and being born again hit a chord. Everything is suddenly cast in a new and unfamiliar light which can sometimes be so frightening but sometimes can be novel and exciting.

On a side note have been on a wincing emotional rollercoaster through the tale of your various stomach ailments, glad to see you have worked out which foods will help you settle this in the past year or two.

Subbed even if updates are more sporadic from now on. Well done on your progress!

[Strawng]

Read the whole thing over a couple of days, so impressed well done Adam. Would rep but on spread.

I can't imagine what an eating disorder must be like and how much courage it would take to overcome, so many props for that. The only similar thing I can relate to is recovering from intravenous drug addiction, giving up that one thing that has become your entire life, the source of every goal, every thought, every action, every habit no matter how small (it also led to me becoming 126lb at times at 5'10'' so maybe something in common :P ) and having to start again completely new. Your posts (many pages back) about learning to walk again and being born again hit a chord. Everything is suddenly cast in a new and unfamiliar light which can sometimes be so frightening but sometimes can be novel and exciting.

On a side note have been on a wincing emotional rollercoaster through the tale of your various stomach ailments, glad to see you have worked out which foods will help you settle this in the past year or two.

Subbed even if updates are more sporadic from now on. Well done on your progress!

Very well-said! +1 to everything & reps on RC. I've had both anorexia and addiction issues & what you're saying really cuts to the heart of both. It's all about making your life about just one thing and one thing alone, even if that thing is completely self-destructive. It really takes massive balls to let your whole world go and choose recovery.

[AlexSays]

Very well-said! +1 to everything & reps on RC. I've had both anorexia and addiction issues & what you're saying really cuts to the heart of both. It's all about making your life about just one thing and one thing alone, even if that thing is completely self-destructive. It really takes massive balls to let your whole world go and choose recovery.

Thanks! Definitely feel behaviors like this are all connected in the way they can influence you. The brain can often be the enemy!

[Strawng]

Bump out of curiosity. How're your lifts progressing, bro? Are you still doing the same routine? I remember last time you talked about your routine you were doing a huge volume of low-intensity cardio (7 mile walks plus biking). Are you still doing that or less so since the weather's colder?

[AdamWW]

Bump out of curiosity. How're your lifts progressing, bro? Are you still doing the same routine? I remember last time you talked about your routine you were doing a huge volume of low-intensity cardio (7 mile walks plus biking). Are you still doing that or less so since the weather's colder?

Oh snap, I forgot about the log, hah!

Right now my activity is pretty similar but my lifting is more strength-focused since I'm training at home in my garage setup.

I still do upper/lower but my upper days are a lot more dips/bench/OHP with minimal accessories... leg/lower days are squats and deadlifts, with good mornings and band work rounding out those days.


I did do 1hour of light indoor cycling every morning, and most days I get 10k-15k steps depending on if it's a lifting day or not... but I'm pretty relaxed about it all.

I'm more focusing on try gaining weight while I get stronger, which is taking a while.

I set a personal goal to push myself beyond my comfort zone and gain a little more fat than most people advise because i think it's important for my mental recovery to learn to access BF %'s that are a little higher... it might not be needed or required, but of course I'm a special case and I think getting used to be OVER 15% bf would do wonders for my recovery from everything, so that's what I'm going for, and just maintaining that for a while while I grow.

[Strawng]

Oh snap, I forgot about the log, hah!

Right now my activity is pretty similar but my lifting is more strength-focused since I'm training at home in my garage setup.

I still do upper/lower but my upper days are a lot more dips/bench/OHP with minimal accessories... leg/lower days are squats and deadlifts, with good mornings and band work rounding out those days.


I did do 1hour of light indoor cycling every morning, and most days I get 10k-15k steps depending on if it's a lifting day or not... but I'm pretty relaxed about it all.

I'm more focusing on try gaining weight while I get stronger, which is taking a while.

I set a personal goal to push myself beyond my comfort zone and gain a little more fat than most people advise because i think it's important for my mental recovery to learn to access BF %'s that are a little higher... it might not be needed or required, but of course I'm a special case and I think getting used to be OVER 15% bf would do wonders for my recovery from everything, so that's what I'm going for, and just maintaining that for a while while I grow.

Yes! I've loved keeping up with this log. I've also greatly paired down my accessory work due to covid. I also walk 10-15k steps per day depending on how I feel & I've been considering cycling for my cardio. I currently jog very lightly for just a couple miles but I think it's hampering my recovery on leg day. Cycling's not as fun for me but I like that it's so low impact.

It makes sense that you're seeing it take awhile to make strength gains, and it actually goes to your point about body fat. It's not uncommon at all for someone in recovery to preferentially gain fat mass before allowing lean mass gain or regain to occur. I also completely agree that shooting for 15+% just might be one of the best things to do in recovery. Even in the case of the people who did the Minnesota Starvation Experiment (I'm sure you're aware), they actually had to gain a certain level of body fat above their pre-starvation physique for their mental and hormonal symptoms to completely calm down. Almost everyone who failed to do so from the experiment, had notable food issues for life.

Also, as I've said and I know you have a similar mentality, I can't consciously go on an intended "cut" anymore. 16-20% is a great range for a recomp.

[AdamWW]

Yes! I've loved keeping up with this log. I've also greatly paired down my accessory work due to covid. I also walk 10-15k steps per day depending on how I feel & I've been considering cycling for my cardio. I currently jog very lightly for just a couple miles but I think it's hampering my recovery on leg day. Cycling's not as fun for me but I like that it's so low impact.

It makes sense that you're seeing it take awhile to make strength gains, and it actually goes to your point about body fat. It's not uncommon at all for someone in recovery to preferentially gain fat mass before allowing lean mass gain or regain to occur. I also completely agree that shooting for 15+% just might be one of the best things to do in recovery. Even in the case of the people who did the Minnesota Starvation Experiment (I'm sure you're aware), they actually had to gain a certain level of body fat above their pre-starvation physique for their mental and hormonal symptoms to completely calm down. Almost everyone who failed to do so from the experiment, had notable food issues for life.

Also, as I've said and I know you have a similar mentality, I can't consciously go on an intended "cut" anymore. 16-20% is a great range for a recomp.

Yeah I've gotten WAY more intuitive these days with both accessory training AND cardio/non-strength movements.

I only do my cycling because it's too cold to walk outside right now in the morning, and it helps wake me up and get my joints mobile.

Food wise... man... I feel SO different... it's crazy... it's so strange to me feeling 100% unrestricted and stress free when it comes to food, it's like getting my mind back... zero preoccupation with planning, measuring, counting...


And absolutely, I simply CANNOT intentionally cut. I'm not willing to risk the relapse potential.


The whole 'pushing to 15%+' is purely because I know i NEED to be OK with getting uncomfortable... and being 15-20% would I think force me into uncommon territory which my ED would HATE, and that's exactly why i should do it. If I come back down naturally, cool, but it's not like it's a health risk, and it's not like it's going to make life any harder objectivity. There's zero concern especially for active people being around 20%, and in some cases depending on people's BF set range, it can actually be BETTER for them.

[Strawng]

BUMP. How's the gaining going? Are you still on the same routine?

[AdamWW]

BUMP. How's the gaining going? Are you still on the same routine?

WHat up dude!!

Gaining is going good my friend.

Right now i'm basically doing either Upper/Lower OR (depending on the time I have to lift) I'll do PPL.

The PPL series happens when I only have like 45min for a session, and if I have 60-70min i'll do Upper/Lower.

So basically, depending on my schedule it might be one of several combinations:


Upper/Lower/Break/Upper/Lower/Break/Break...

or

Upper/Lower/Break/Push/Pull/Legs/Break/Break...

or

Push/Pull/Legs/Break/Push/Pull/Legs/Break...

or

Push/Pull/Legs/Break/Upper/Break/Lower/Break...

etc, etc, etc...


It really kind of depends how the week starts. If I know the first day will have a shorter time, I'll start with PPL... then if the next string of days opens up, its a single Upper/Lower pairing, followed by rest, then I reassess.

So either way, it's always 2 time hitting the bodypart per week, just depends on time available.

But I PREFER upper/lower because it means more off days for me to recover for sure. 4 days a week feels just about right for me. If I do PPL, I really need to avoid doing to much volume in a single session.

[Strawng]

WHat up dude!!

Gaining is going good my friend.

Right now i'm basically doing either Upper/Lower OR (depending on the time I have to lift) I'll do PPL.

The PPL series happens when I only have like 45min for a session, and if I have 60-70min i'll do Upper/Lower.

So basically, depending on my schedule it might be one of several combinations:


Upper/Lower/Break/Upper/Lower/Break/Break...

or

Upper/Lower/Break/Push/Pull/Legs/Break/Break...

or

Push/Pull/Legs/Break/Push/Pull/Legs/Break...

or

Push/Pull/Legs/Break/Upper/Break/Lower/Break...

etc, etc, etc...


It really kind of depends how the week starts. If I know the first day will have a shorter time, I'll start with PPL... then if the next string of days opens up, its a single Upper/Lower pairing, followed by rest, then I reassess.

So either way, it's always 2 time hitting the bodypart per week, just depends on time available.

But I PREFER upper/lower because it means more off days for me to recover for sure. 4 days a week feels just about right for me. If I do PPL, I really need to avoid doing to much volume in a single session.

Right on! That sounds like a great way to structure it. I also tend to alternate and have been sticking to an U/L split lately, which I vastly prefer.

[AdamWW]

Long time since I posted workout stats... but this morning... my squats FINALLY WENT UP....

I've switched up my routine to try and see if recovery improves, now doing a Push/Legs/Pull setup.

Today I did legs, and made progress for the first time in months...


Squats

175x7
200x7 (PR)
205x6 (PR)
200x6
200x7

Good Mornings

4 sets of 10 with 140lb (PR)

Band Pull-Throughs

3 sets of 20

Walking Bodyweight Lunges

2 sets to failure

Hanging Leg Raises

2 sets to failure (about 25 each)

Wide-Grip Upright Row

55x15
55x13
55x13


Bodyweight is still slowly creeping up.

No calorie tracking, just making sure I'm never under-fed and always adding just a bit more on top of each meal to avoid possible dips in calorie intake.

Been feeling and sleeping way, WAY better.... and dealing with the diminishing definition better every day. Hardly ever bothers me anymore.

[Strawng]

long time since i posted workout stats... But this morning... My squats finally went up....

I've switched up my routine to try and see if recovery improves, now doing a push/legs/pull setup.

Today i did legs, and made progress for the first time in months...


squats

175x7
200x7 (pr)
205x6 (pr)
200x6
200x7

good mornings

4 sets of 10 with 140lb (pr)

band pull-throughs

3 sets of 20

walking bodyweight lunges

2 sets to failure

hanging leg raises

2 sets to failure (about 25 each)

wide-grip upright row

55x15
55x13
55x13


bodyweight is still slowly creeping up.

No calorie tracking, just making sure i'm never under-fed and always adding just a bit more on top of each meal to avoid possible dips in calorie intake.

Been feeling and sleeping way, way better.... And dealing with the diminishing definition better every day. Hardly ever bothers me anymore.

Good chit mane!!!!

You're getting pretty damn Strawng

[AdamWW]

Good chit mane!!!!

You're getting pretty damn Strawng

Im coming for ya!!

haha.

It's pretty crazy dude... I got to 6 reps and was expecting to suddenly just fall apart, but my legs and joints felt totally fine.

What's even more surprising is that my legs have always been the weaker lifts for me, but right now, they're recovering very well.

Seriously loving the process now that weights keep going up

[AdamWW]

Just hit 205x7 along with 3 sets of 205x6 on squats...

They keep going up... super happy with this.

Guess I’ll be pushing to 210 next week