Lifting since 2008, new to this forum

[Tigress84]

Thought I'd introduce myself, but it will take a long write and read. Still, I share my story, trying to sum it up effectively, but it is just so damn long, and I want to communicate enough details.

This is a long post, so I'm not surprised or offended if you don't read it. However, if you take the effort to post just to let the world know that you didn't read it, you better get a life.


Growing up:
Since my early childhood, I have had some stubborn health problems. I was diagnosed with Blount's disease / tibia vara, and had two knee surgeries at the age of 6 and 8. They were not certain that I could walk normally and not become confined to a wheelchair, or end up with a deformed leg, but it worked out well and I remained able to walk. Jumping and running, any high impact activity, was forbidden because I had to keep my knees low impact. I couldn't participate in the exercise classes at school because of this.

The other big problem was my weight. Somehow my body wanted to weigh 1.5 as much as a regular kid. When they grew to be 40 kg, I was 60. When most other kids reached 60 kg, I was 90. I was 14 years old when a child endocrinologist noticed me in the hospital while I was waiting for some other doctor with my mother, and he said the shape I was in was definitely not okay, and began examining me.

They ran very thorough checks to find out whether I had PCOS, CAH, or both. At the end, PCOS was very likely, and they put me on a diet of 5*200 kcal per day. This stripped the fat off from 93 to 70 kg. This weight came back during the university. My body's set-point seemed to be this 93. You cannot imagine what it means to live with a condition like this. I had no life, no high-school loves, no parties, no real friends, nothing. I felt not even human, and I still, to this very day, feel disconnected from "normal", regular people who never went through any similar experience. A regular person cannot imagine what's it like to be this exhausted, to need a lot of sleep, to have physical pain from being so extremely tired.

In the meantime, I got very interested in fitness, working out and a healthy lifestyle, but I was living in a dormitory and had limited resources, we always had little money, so all I could do was read about it, I read whole books, Tom Venuto's BFFM being my favourite, and accumulated a lot of knowledge. Then I finished my studies, began working, moved out of the dormitory and changed my lifestyle. This was in summer 2008.



2008 to 2012:
Back then gyms were not popular in my country, there were only a few, and visited by not many females. Now there are gyms on every corner, and everybody either works out, or feel guilty for not doing it because they are aware that they should. I went from gym to gym, trying to find the ones with the lowest price, and periodically being chased away by people who told me that lifting heavy would make me bulky and I should use low weights or, even better, only cardio. When people started to harass me with this I usually finished my monthly pass and then found another gym. These morons included men who seemed to think that, although they can't seem to gain muscle if their life depended on it, a female would wake up overnight as Hulk. In included a few male personal trainers who were hanging around in the gyms, and it included some skinny girls who only did low intensity cardio. Since they were skinny and I was fat, everyone probably thought that I wanted to be small and shapeless like them, but I never wanted that kind of body. I wanted toned muscles.

When I began, I was already pretty strong but lacked endurance. I bench pressed about 40 kg, and survived 6 minutes on a stationary bike. In 1.5 years, I dropped 27 kg and became much stronger and able to do HIIT, intense cardio for 40 minutes, or regular cardio for an unlimited time. I found my favourite gym for those years, where the owner, instead of worrying about my "bulk", actually encouraged me to work on my pullups. I did my first complete, unassisted pullup in that gym. Of course, the weird looks were always there, wherever I went, because, even though I was no longer fat but pretty fit, insecure people have strength, especially in a female. My knees hurt, of course, all the time, but I stuck to low-impact exercises and hoped for the best. I also knew that weighing less is very good for them.

The exhaustion problem stayed with me, all my life so far, and during these years I often only felt alive in the gym. Normally I'm drowsy, my alertness level is way too low to not suffer through my daily activities, but when I put in the all-out effort, I finally feel alive. Of course, this burns into my hormones even more, and the backlash comes later.

I was the leanest at 66-67 kg, my ribs and hip bones were visible, and I had the formation of a 4-pack. But the lifestyle I needed to get these results was not maintainable. I thought back then that the lifestyle change would mean that I would have to eat roughly 2*500 kcal for the rest of my life to stay in shape and prevent gaining. I had about 80-100 g protein per day, same from carbs, and the lowest fat I could manage, let's say around 30 g. I also had lots of parties and some alcohol, but my alcohol tolerance is pretty low so, luckily, I can't drink much. Back in 2009, nobody talked about reverse dieting. The first time I read about it must have been around 3 years ago. So I tried to stay in the ballpark of 1000-couple hundred kcal per day. I look at this as mistake number 2, number 1 being ignoring my PCOS, along with its symptoms and implications. I never had the time to actually let it sink in that not having regular periods ever in my life means I'm not healthy.



Continued in the next post because this is just part of the story.

[Tigress84]

2013-2015:
Another change was that I figured, after I got lean, I could focus more on health instead of shape. Beginning with early 2013, I ended up doing a cyclical keto, paleo-ish, low carb and high (for me at least) fat diet, thinking that it will supercharge my health. Mistake n. 3.

I used to have low energy forever, as far as I can remember. Huge fluctuations in daily energy from almost normal to low to so low that I fall asleep during the day, and it happened regularly. My hormones were never okay, so that was one reason, and now I think the constant caloric deficit added to this as well. The first months on HFLC were wonderful because my energy levels became more stable. I fasted until noon, only consumed coffee and some fat, and I had focus and wired energy initially. Then, very sneakily, my energy levels slowly dropped; they were still stable, but on a lower and lower level. Ever since then, whenever I read the "my 3rd day on keto, feeling great" kind of accounts, I feel sorry for those people, because the bad side effects don't come in the first weeks or months, but later.

With my energy sneaking lower, the fat I consumed began depositing itself around my waist, hips, thighs. I denied this for a long time, I must have been producing minimal insulin, so I must have been in "fat burning mode", actually I was in fat storing mode. Also, the HFLC-minded forums had several people who always claimed that you should eat more, more, more, that you were in starvation mode, and you should just increase fat, bla bla. I was still working out intensely, but without results, because, to get results, you need glycogen. What I wasn't aware of until it was too late, that the wired, nervous energy must have been from burning on cortisol, which gets produced a lot more if you are not getting enough carbs. I had very low carbs, most of the time also low calories, as intense workouts as I could manage, plus a craphole of a workplace with a hostile environment, cronies, backstabbers, and no rewards for working hard.

I'm extremely tenacious, so I kept doing this crazy thing, but slowly increasing my carbs back to 70-80 g per day, and cutting fats from this same number to lower. I shifted towards powerlifting-style workouts, compound movements, less isolation. I started swimming again, and happily noticed that, after all those years of not swimming, I could instantly swim 2000 m. Back in high school, I used to swim 1500, then years of no swiming, and I got even better, because I became fitter. I also began doing a self-defense centered martial art in 2014 autumn. I weighed around 73-74 kg, looked pretty fit, but felt more and more beat-up by life. My libido also began decreasing from extra high, to become nearly nonexistent 1.5 years ago.

Then I went to a business trip for a month, where, knowing I would be eating a lot, I decided to up my powerlifting workouts and use the extra calories to gain a lot of strength. I also gained 6 kg, but the trip was so exhausting that I needed to eat, since I couldn't get enough sleep. It also sped up my sluggish metabolism a little. After returning, I went to an excellent powerlifting coach (the only coach I've ever had so far), who made excellent programs for me. I gained a ton of strengh and broke through plateaus, while doing an insanely strict diet, around 800 kcal per day, to drop the extra weight from the business trip.

[Tigress84]

2016 to now:
I managed to go back to 75 kg, and deadlift my record which was 100 kg (3 reps). My bench press record was 57.5 kg (3 reps). Due to my knee problem, the heaviest I squatted was 60 kg, and that hurt my knees so much it took more than a year for this new pain to subside, so no more squatting.

I had to stop heavy lifting due to an RSI from work, because my boss refused to put some workload on others in the team, instead piled it up all on me, and my right hand got tendosynovitis / carpal tunnel syndrome. As if my workplace didn't suck enough already... This took more than 1.5 years to heal. Since no powerlifting, I began doing more martial arts, and ended up with 10-12 hours of MMA, BJJ, cautious lifting and whatever else I could fit into it. I was eating around 1300 kcal, desperate to not gain even more weight but instead lose some, but I just gained, more fat came around my waist, and I had no energy to do anything on the weekends. I could hardly get out of bed. The stress was overwhelming. Craphole workplace, running to the workouts, always in a rush, totally exhausted in the mornings, wind up from the intense workouts in the evening. I was irritable, desperate, overstressed, on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Take the expression "wired and tired" and multiply it by a million, that was how I was feeling. I think if I didn't stop, this lifestyle would have killed me. I stopped because I began studying for a career change to escape that horrible workplace. At the same time I realised that I had to increase my carb intake and take some rest. I hoped that would help me, but it took more than that.

With the increase in my carbs and decrease in my workouts, came some more weight gain, but my life depended on this change. Initially, after regularly going over 100 g carbs for the first time in I don't know how many years, I found I just couldn't have enough. I shot for 200 g per day, and I could devour 100 g rice for example, in one sitting, my body was so starved for it. After this initial period, I settled around 180. With this change, I cut back my fat intake to the bare minimum, around 20 grams. It is very hard to do because everything has that amount of fat, but eating lots of rice, potatoes, legumes, lean meats, veggies, fruits, can make that possible. For a short period I reached around 2000 kcal but since I was gaining rapidly and becoming less ravenous, I cut it back to 1800. Of course, the gaining went on, and by last summer, I ended up 90 kg again, although I looked nothing like before, since a big amount of it was muscle. But of course, I was overly fat again, and weighed way too much for my knees. I'm not sure if this was mistake n. 4, because I really needed to up my carbs and make my extremely slow metabolism faster.

The weight and the zero sex drive was the least of my problems for a while. My thyroid was underfunctioning, and I began taking T4 in October 2016. Doctors here don't care about adrenal function, but I got it examined in a private lab, and my cortisol was so low they couldn't even measure it, they just gave back the results as "below the lowest value they can measure". I used to be able to deal with stress pretty well, I'm very tough mentally. But now my stress-handling ability disappeared, and stress made me feel physically ill. I didn't have enough cortisol to protect me. So I realised I needed to lower stress level, let things go and not give a &@}< about many things. I began taking licorice and adrenal cortex extracts.

2016-17 was pretty low health-wise. The lack of cortisol gave me some very scary experiences. I had two accidents, and at least one of them was due to exhaustion. I ran out of my resources to cope with life. I was feeling weak and dizzy every day, my blood glucose and blood pressure kept falling and I had to eat a lot of salt and carbs regularly to not get too dizzy. I often felt at the edge of collapse. Getting up and starting the day was a torture, even saying hello to people required too much energy. After not getting any improvements from 3-4 months of thyroid medication, I bought thyroid extract which contained T3 and T4 in natural ratios. I didn't know that they should not be taken if your cortisol is not sufficient. I woke up to a horrible panic attack, feeling an increasing tension in my body, sicker and sicker. I thought I would die, my blood pressure could have been sky-high. I didn't call an ambulance because I was sure by the time they would get here I would either feel better or be dead, because nobody can stay this sick for a prolonged time. It took me a while to realise that the thyroid extract with natural T3 was the culprit. Two milder panic attacks (and much more mini ones) appeared later, once after consuming too much caffeine in the form of the most wonderful tasting tiramisu on earth. By then I knew that it was going to go away, but it still ruined my night rest, and made me scared of going to sleep. Sleep was my refuge, a constant pleasure in my life, it helped me with the horrible exhaustion, and now, one year ago, it was compromised. I felt I reached a new low in my life. Dizzy and weak throughout the day, and then during the night, when I could finally recover, waking up with my body panicking and in alarm... it was too much.

My workouts also suffered because I had no energy to do them properly. I went to the gym regularly, but only for 30 minutes a time, working around my numerous injuries which refused to get better, and struggling with dizziness after each set. When I pushed myself hard enough to get out of the constant haze and fog of drowsiness, I was feeling even sicker for the next couple days, so I learned not to push hard. I was feeling bad from caffeine and became very sensitive to it, so I cut back on my morning coffee.

There were times during this period when I got close to accept that I'm not going to train hard and get extremely fit again. Working out was the best thing in my life, and for long years, the only good thing. The only thing I chose to do myself every day, instead of being forced to do it. It is an integral part of my identity I felt it slip away from me in my dreadful state, and I tried to prepare to accept it if it happens.

This year took a lot of fight out of me. I always pushed hard, and when something hurt, I toughed it out. I fall on my shoulder during a messed up roll, I couldn't lift my right arm without helping with my left for a couple weeks, but I didn't miss any training. When I broke my toe, I just kept going and was back for next week's training for more. When later I hurt another toe on somebody's knee during sparring, I didn't even get it checked out, although it kept hurting for more than a year. When my shin ballooned up to twice its size from kicks, and I could hardly walk from the pain, and the bruises stayed for three months, I kept going. Twice I actually fainted, once from a fast and once from a GI infection. I got up and continued my day. This is different now. I became cautious, painfully aware of the many dangers in iffe and my own mortality. When I feel sick now, or when something hurts very badly, I stop and take care of it, and I get worried. Perhaps this is a good thing, perhaps toughing everything out is leading to a crash.

The current chapter began in last August when I finally left that craphole I used to work at, and began a very good job in a supportive, professional and cool team. The next month I began feeling better, more energetic, I could work out more intensely and longer. I was still only doing 1/4 of what I used to, but there was a huge improvement. I had a blood test which showed that my cortisol levels got back up to normal. I was getting better and better. Then I had almost three weeks of rest, it was an unhappy and painful, shocking vacation because I suddenly lost my father, but it was still a vacation, with getting enough sleep and little stress. After that, in the beginning of this year, I felt ready to diet and get in a killer shape again.

This latest chapter began in January. I decided to create a huge caloric deficit and keep it up for 10-12 weeks, then reverse diet, now properly. I estimated my BMR about 1700 kcal, and added 500 kcal of movement, from workouts and walking. I've been eating 110-120 g protein, 120-130 g carbs, 140 on lifting days, and 20-25 g fat (I aimed for 20, then I realised that my protein powders have ~1.5 g per portion). This is roughly 1200 kcal per day. It is an aggressive, crash-diet-like cut, and I only intend to do it until the end of March, or until I go below 80 kg, whichever comes first, probably the former. After years of counting macros and calories, I know the macro content of most foods by heart.

It is very ironic that I began this cut on the beginning of the year. I have never made a new years's resolution in my life, this is just a coincidence. Simply I have the strength now, after having a rest period.

And now the results: I have a 1000 kcal deficit 6 days a week, and around 500-600 kcal deficit on Sundays which are my rest day. I have lost 5 kg in the past 7 weeks, which indicates that I calculated my kcals accurately, as I expected a little less than a kg per week. My water weight is masking fat loss for weeks, but it seems to be going okay. My knees are feeling decent, but I don't dare to squat or deadlift, however it seems that the Stairmaster doesn't hurt them. I walk on average 10,000 steps per day, this is naturally in my lifestyle, without any walking program. I work out 5-6 times a week, I have pure lifting and pure cardio sessions, one martial arts class and I try to swim twice a week. My energy is decent again, I'm still lower on energy than an average person on a crappy day, but it is a huge improvement since last year's sick and dizzy days. My libido is nowhere, I hope it will return. I feel like I got a new leash on life.

I expect to do this until the end of March, when I will probably be only a bit over 80 kg, and then add 100 kcal from carbs for the first week, another 100 for the next, then 100 kcal from fat, then probably repeat these three weeks. I expect to keep losing fat during this period, not that fast, but still lose, and hopefully reach below 75 kg and then beyond.

A change is coming now, and this is why I finally made myself write all this down. I want to document this whole journey, and until now, my PCOS was not treated. I finally found a great endocrinologist who prescibed me a BCP (I will start whenever my period comes next), and metformin. She is not a fan of Metformin, and my insulin sensitivity is good, probably from all the heavy workouts(I have every predictor of insulin resistance, and if I haven't been training hard I would certainly have it now), but she said it can give a kickstart to my fat loss if I take it for three months. I can't wait to get some help because my life has been an uphill battle.

Thinking back, what I'm sorry about is that I never had the opportunity to train with proper calories. I gained a bunch of strength while restricting my intake (except for the four weeks in my business trip). It would have been great to see how I can improve my muscles if I'm allowed to feed them properly. Maybe I will get there.



So this is where I am today, I'm fairly sure that almost nobody will have the time and interest to read through it, but it is mostly for myself. I want to document the next steps in this journey now that I know there will be next steps and the damage is not as irreversible as it seemed in the past two years. I also want to document the differences the PCOS treatment provides compared to no treatment just lifestyle.

[Tigress84]

I also incorporated relaxation, doing something enjoyable every day, looking at or listening to or smelling something beautiful, relaxing, doing a little wellness, going to the sauna or jacuzzi after a workout, just leaning back and taking some time to enjoy something, to relieve stress. I was meditating for some time, I want to start it again to help me deal with the stresses of kcal restriction, workouts, and life in general.

[Tigress84]

After my first Metformin pill, I feel like death warmed over. The drowsiness is supposed to go away in a few weeks, but I don't want to feel like this for weeks because I need to work out, and today's workout was a struggle, I was feeling similar to a year ago when I had the extremely low cortisol. I hope this won't last long, and my energy will rise. I'm supposed to take this for three months.

[grubman]

Tigress, I enjoy reading, so I had to take your "challenge" and read this entire thing . It's pretty information and number dense, and a couple times my eyes glazed over. All those medical/medicine abbreviations and metric numbers (for an American) exceed my "look up" limit.

Like you said, it is very hard for a "normal" person to know what it is like to have a steady stream of major and minor problems. We can empathize and sympathize, but a persons point of view is always going to be in relation to their own shortcomings (which seem "major" to each individual, despite the fact that almost every issue is better than SOMEONE else's situation).

What's awesome about you is the fact that despite roadblocks and pitfalls, you keep returning to some form of physical self improvement.

I certainly understand the need to document this in a public place. Everyone needs to stand on a rooftop and shout to the world sometimes...or flip off the world in defiance and let it know you are going to deal no mater what crap it decides to throw in your way.

No insult to fellow forum members, but this site tends to be pretty ADD. Most posts over a few lines, or paragraphs at the most, seldom get read. I would have really liked to see some pictures to break up the texts. Needless to say, before and after pictures are always fun on this forum (all about changing your body), and your rollercoaster would have certainly been interesting to see in pictures.

In any case, I wish you luck in your latest efforts. I say "luck", as in the fates don't bring you anything crappy, because you already have the necessary inner drive to get things done.

[Tigress84]

Thank you for taking the time and giving me feedback. You understood my attitude very well, and summarized it in "flip off the world in defiance and let it know you are going to deal no mater what crap it decides to throw in your way."

I have to drag photos out of wherever I put them. Understandably, I hate my old photos, but pictures are valuable to show progress, and I will upload a few when I can.

I started reading your own journey, it is an enjoyable read. It is apparent that you know full well how it is when you put continuous effort into what you want, and work very consciously, tweaking based on your experiences, I like this intelligent approach.

[Tigress84]

Fourth day on the Metformin. Second day went perfectly, the tiredness went away. Yesterday was also okay, but more hypoglycemic, and today I'm horribly exhausted and irritable. My hormonal crash began like this two years ago, I don't want to get back there. Luckily, I will have three days of sleeping more, so I hope that will fix it.

I hate feeling hypoglycemic, I've been having enough problems maintaining my blood sugar and blood pressure on acceptable levels, due to my low cortisol. I'm taking extra licorice to help maintain cortisol levels and give my adrenals an easier time. The metformin is supposed to help dieting by staving off hunger, but hunger is just another normal day, I'm used to it. The problem is feeling sick from the low blood sugar. I had to eat some meals earlier than planned because I was getting horribly weak. The small fruit bar I always keep in my bag was a lifesaver yesterday evening.
Today I wanted to go to jujitsu class and combine it with swimming to burn up some more calories, but in my current state I skip that and go lifting instead.Lifting at least justifies eating some more carbs for the glycogen. I will postpone my swimming session to Saturday. So far this metformin seems to make things harder for me, but it's only been a few days yet.

[Tigress84]

On the upside, no nausea or diarrhea from it, as many reported.

[Tigress84]

Almost a week later, I'm still reasonably more tired than before, but it's impossible to tell whether it is caused by the met, or the starvation is catching up with me. Anyway, 2.5 more weeks until the reverse. Today a slender, thin girl ate a whole 300 g / 10.7 oz chocolate bar next to me at a presentation. I couldn't help thinking that if I only ate 100 g protein and 50 g carbs I could fit in a 100 g / 3.5 oz bar, one third of what she was eating. I bought a big jar of hazelnut-chocolate flavoured protein powder this week, I prefer unflavoured, but during this cut this is saving my sanity.

[Tigress84]

Weighed in today at 187, not bad getting down here from a bit over 200 (91 kg to 85 so far). Switched to lbs to not burn out the US forum members' eyes. Originally I wanted to reach this weight more than a week earlier, but I realized that getting a 7000 kcal deficit per week is not going to happen on a long term, so I shot for 6000, and it is going decent. I'm feeling like hell but that's nothing new. I just want to be able to eat around 2000 kcal per day while keeping my current activity levels, without gaining fat. Pretty much almost every girl's dream.
I hope the frequent nauseous feeling is caused by the Metformin and BCP combination the endo gave to treat my PCOS, and not from my cortisol levels getting too low again. Low cortisol nearly killed me a couple times last year, I don't want to get back there. I do feel better than back then, though.
Gotta find some old pics and make some new and post them soon!

[KyleAaron]

PCOS is shtty, but one aspect of it is that you have higher testosterone levels and greater lean mass than most women, and so can lift some fcking heavy weights. So it's not all bad.

[Tigress84]

PCOS is shtty, but one aspect of it is that you have higher testosterone levels and greater lean mass than most women, and so can lift some fcking heavy weights. So it's not all bad.

Thanks, that is definitely true, I've been always strong and had more muscle than the average woman. It sort of sucks that I almost always had to train in a calorie deficit and never got to experience what's it like to train in a slight surplus. On the other hand I would look like Hulk if I did that. Currently I'm not as strong as I was while powerlifting, but I hope it will come back.

[Tigress84]

Since January I'm 16.5 ponds down. This is halfway. It slowed down a bit because I couldn't keep the weekly 6500 kcal deficit up, it was way too exhausting, so I'm shooting for 5200-5300 kcal deficit per week, and if I feel really drained and half dead, I just eat a bit more because I need to drag myself through the workdays, and not feeling like absolute crap wouldn't hurt.

Photo made in the gym in December and in April. Flexing. Current weight is 83 kg / 182 pounds.

[KyleAaron]

On the other hand I would look like Hulk if I did that.

So why haven't you done it yet?

[Tigress84]

So why haven't you done it yet?

I always needed to keep the fat in check. My body has insane tendencies to gain and store. Perhaps after I finish this cut and end up with a body composition I like. But I also want to fit into my existing clothes.

[KyleAaron]

There was a blog post some time back which said something like: everyone has a body type, it's best to recognise and make the best of it. Those East African marathon runners would make really shtty weightlifters. Those Chinese weightlifters would make really shtty distance runners. If you are a greyhound, be the sleekest fastest greyhound you can possibly be. If you're a giraffe, be the tallest highest-jumping giraffe you can possibly be. If you're a rhino, be the biggest, stonkiest killer rhino you can be. I think it was the "lift big eat big" site, so they do have a certain bias, but...

I've no idea what you are, I'd have to see you train. But I encourage you to be you.

[Tigress84]

There was a blog post some time back which said something like: everyone has a body type, it's best to recognise and make the best of it. Those East African marathon runners would make really shtty weightlifters. Those Chinese weightlifters would make really shtty distance runners. If you are a greyhound, be the sleekest fastest greyhound you can possibly be. If you're a giraffe, be the tallest highest-jumping giraffe you can possibly be. If you're a rhino, be the biggest, stonkiest killer rhino you can be. I think it was the "lift big eat big" site, so they do have a certain bias, but...

I've no idea what you are, I'd have to see you train. But I encourage you to be you.

Great points, and very very true.

For my knees, and ease of movement, I think 155-160 pounds will be the goal for me though. Going higher would make me less agile and not as fast as I want it, and not easy enough on my knees. Going below that would be extremely hard and probably make me weaker than I prefer. So that's the goal now, but in the first round, 165 will be awesome to reach, that was my weight before hell went loose on me.

And on the long term, who knows. I loved doing martial arts too, but with my current energy levels, returning to them seems far away. Even lifting heavy, which was always my love, seems so hard these days because of the tiredness. But at a lower weight, with more agility and hopefully better energy levels, maybe I can do martial arts too a couple times a week.