Non-Supportive Partner

[gcarey3678]

Does anyone have issues with their husband/sig. other not supporting your goals in the gym? My husband does not want me to appear muscular (I currently don't but not from lack of trying!) and sometimes mocks me when I try to talk about a new PR or sees me watching videos of other woman I look up to on social media working out.
If so, how do you deal with it?
I just let him talk but still go forward and try my best to reach my goals, the gym is the one thing I do all for myself and I'm not about to let anyone take it away from me, not even my husband!

[mavd]

Communication is key to a successful marriage. You can't make him "want" you to look a certain way, but you can tell him his comments are hurtful and need to stop.

[LunaLifts]

My SO has a type of look he prefers, and it's no secret buff chicks aren't his thing. While my goal is more "fit" than "muscly" (depending on who's using the term, he'd deal with it anyway if I wanted to be bigger. Hell, I was about 20lbs overweight when we met so he's obviously not overly concerned with that sort of thing.

I say keep doing you. You can (and should) try to talk to him, and try to get him to understand, but if he won't it's just a matter of pushing through it. He'll see for himself that simply being chitty about it isn't stopping anything. If he cares, he'll get over it.

[chamelious]

This is a slightly tough one IMO.

I think its really easy to say "wahh, your SO should support you no matter what"- and to some extent and in some cases that's true i'm sure.

But: You have no control over what you find "attractive", and obviously you want to find your SO attractive. If my gf said something similar to you, i'd be totally fine with it. If she said "i'm going to put on 5 stone of fat", i wouldn't be fine with it. I know this isn't exactly analogous, but ultimately its about undergoing a physical change. To add to this from a male perspective, i think the quality of "attractiveness" is more closely tied in to physical appearance than it is for women.

Ultimately its just communication and compromise though, like everything else in a relationship. He wants something, you want something else. You talk and decide how important it is to both of you, if you're going to compromise or just go entirely with one persons preference, or if the differences mean that the relationship can no longer continue.

[4Me2017]

Definitely communicate to him how it makes you feel when he makes those comments out of spite/fear (whatever you want to call it). Do you have an ideal body that you're aiming for (and that you believe you can realistically achieve)? Is there a picture you can find on the interwebs that you can show him? Can he provide a picture of what he doesn't want you to become?
Find the line of 'do not cross', compromise on those areas that you can, and go full steam ahead on everything else. Hopefully that will calm his concerns.
Good luck

[Junsuiakai]

Does he work Out? I didn't really like muscular girls till I got muscular lol.

Now they are all I am attracted to.

Maybe see if he will start going to the gym with you.

[sy2502]

Does anyone have issues with their husband/sig. other not supporting your goals in the gym? My husband does not want me to appear muscular (I currently don't but not from lack of trying!)

In my experience, guys that say they don't like muscular women in their mind are thinking IFBB pro bodybuilders, not regular women. A regular woman with muscles looks good even to guys who say they don't like muscular women, because a firm shapely body is precisely what men like.

and sometimes mocks me when I try to talk about a new PR or sees me watching videos of other woman I look up to on social media working out.

That's not OK. Your SO shouldn't mock your achievements. You are supposed to be a team, and he's supposed to be in your corner.

If so, how do you deal with it?

Tell him to stop being so insecure.

I just let him talk but still go forward and try my best to reach my goals, the gym is the one thing I do all for myself and I'm not about to let anyone take it away from me, not even my husband!

How about instead of passively letting him talk, you tell him how his behavior makes you feel? If he doesn't know he's hurting your feelings, he will probably keep doing it.

[MiaM623]

I'm having same issue. Mine claims that he doesn't like muscle on girls either. I actually have tried to encourage him to go to the gym with me but he has no interest

[Jalaine]

This is such a common obstacle. I find that, when you start to become really passionate about anything 'out of the ordinary' (not just bodybuilding)...your family and friends can often be the biggest hindrance, because they just don't 'get it'.

The thing is...we all have different interests, and some interests will always be foreign to us...that's not something that we can fix. However, you can help yourself by making friends with people who have that same interest.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow because it's something that excites you...believe me, I spent the first 2 years of training feeling utterly alone because none of my nearest and dearest wanted to talk about my sport, and were actively against it. There are really only two options though; wallow and continue to let it get you down, or be proactive and make changes for the better (join groups on ********, talk to girls and guys in your gym, build a network of friends who not only 'get it', but are also excited by it)

Also, men always say they don't like muscular women until they see a muscular woman in the flesh, ya feel me?

[Homebounded]

Wow, I’m not the only one! Already posted earlier, my first post cuz I feel body shamed that my husband wants me to have female curves, when I want to be healthy and love the feel of a good workout and smashing goals I set for myself. Thanks for all of your above responses, it’s very helpful!!

[Jits90]

I feel ya. My husband used to workout proper when we started dating, but has stopped completely after about 6 months. Since then, gained so much weight, tried to diet twice, failed, and is generally now a fat, lazy man. Walking our dogs for 2 miles is too much.
I, on the other hand, kept exercising. Weight training, calisthenics, running, hiking, very active job. But when he's around (day off), he keeps me from my usual routine.
"It can wait."
"Do you have to?! Just take a day off.."
"We'll go in a minute.." (which means I have to wait for an hour or so)

I just try to do most activities while he's working or gaming (or sleeping, when he had the night shifts). I don't talk about new fun exercises I tried, or my PR with running. He doesn't respond at all when I do, so CBA to put energy into that. But on the other hand, I don't care that much about some games he plays, so he hardly talks about those to me either
As long as it's balanced and you feel happy with each other on other aspects of your relationship, it's ok!

[DrunkenMoron]

I wouldn't have any fear of becoming muscular etc at any point soon. I'll imagine you'll be toned before anything and if your husband doesn't find the appeal in that then... Well that's another story.

My ex was the same as she thought fitness took priority over her. Suppose it's an insecurity.

Good luck with it all though as it's a stressful spot to be in.

[d2mini]

The only problem I had when my wife got into fitness pretty heavily was when she started taking it too far and was just getting toooo thin. Bordering on an eating disorder.
Then she got pregnant and that took care of that. lol
Now a second kid later, we're both back at it and she knows she took it too far the first time.

I agree with those above about having a conversation about it, getting more specifics on likes/dislikes, and the fact that you will probably end up more toned than anything else.
At least for awhile.

[Tigress84]

Lots of guys believe that a woman should be weaker than them. It is okay, but then they should get stronger, not try to bully the female into getting weaker. For the appearance preference part, unless he specifically is attracted to either skinny or fat girls, he won't mind if you have a toned body instead of a soft one. But mocking you for being good at something and working to become better at your passion is disrespectful and hurting, you should talk about that part. I believe this rather stems from insecurity on his part than subjective attraction.

[Stacy36]

My husband doesn't support me. But I don't need his approval, It's my choice, he respects it, although I know he doesn't really approve it...

[KyleAaron]

Lots of guys believe that a woman should be weaker than them. It is okay, but then they should get stronger, not try to bully the female into getting weaker.

Correct. A man should be stronger than his woman, this does not mean a woman should be weak, but that if she's strong, the man needs to lift. This is significant for me since my wife has deadlifted 160kg, which I can do, but I actually have to train to do it.

The real significance of the man being stronger is that it shows he's been training and eating right. This means that a long and better-quality life is more likely; because men start off naturally stronger than women, on average, a man needs to be proportionally stronger for the same health benefits, that is a 100kg deadlift won't do for a man what it does for a woman, he needs 160 or so for an equivalent benefit. Past 50 years old, you are less likely to survive a fall than cancer. Past 65, those who end up hospitalised after a fall, 25% are dead within 12 months, and 65% of the remainder never regain their former mobility.

Man or woman, if you choose to be weak, you are choosing to risk dying earlier, and choosing to risk that one day your spouse has to wipe your arse for you because you're too weak and sickly to get out of bed and do it yourself. It is not loving to choose to be weak and useless.

If your husband is uncomfortable with your lifting, tell him to spend a week living with a woman on a walking frame, caring for her - and he has to have sex with her, too. This may cause him to reassess his view of training.

In any case, you do with your body what you want. Emmeline Pankhurst didn't chain herself to the steps of Parliament and get forcefed in prison just so you could be "toned" and not disturb some non-lifting weakling guy too much.

[larzarus87]

Try and get to the root cause of why he doesn't like it. It might just be that he's bored at home and misses you while you're at the gym - does he have any hobbies?
Do whatever you want - don't let someone else tell you what's right for you. I know it's hard when your SO isn't on the same page as you when you want them to have your back

[sthpadregrl]

Try and get to the root cause of why he doesn't like it. It might just be that he's bored at home and misses you while you're at the gym - does he have any hobbies?
Do whatever you want - don't let someone else tell you what's right for you. I know it's hard when your SO isn't on the same page as you when you want them to have your back

I think this is a great point. My SO is "starting" to come across as unsupportive even though he's fine with how I look. After a lot of discussion is was my schedule/routine more than anything. Time away from him. Now I'm up at 4am (ugughghgh) but we have our evenings together again. now if he's working late, I'll get a 2nd workout in.

[HomeGymChains]

Doing okay, OP?

I hope you can just keep on keeping on. SO’s can gradually change as they see you aren’t becoming a different person, just a better you.

[gcarey3678]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I knew there must be others in the same boat.

I believe my SO's feelings are coming from a place of insecurity, he feels because I work out and am "fit" that I won't be attracted to him if he doesn't look like what he thinks I want him to. I just let him know I love him for who he is! Not everyone has to have the same interests. I did use the analogy that he's into wood working - are you ever dissapointed I don't want to partake in that with you? Of course not!

So I am keeping on keeping on and continuing with my journey, not that I was ever planning on stopping !