AdamWW's Intuitive Eating / Intuitive Training Log - All the Tasty Treats!

[AdamWW]

I guess its not really a priority to you anyway.
For me to get over my obsessive behavior lifting and making progress worked really well for me.
Grats on the 5lb add.

It's a priority in the sense that it does, I think, suggest physical progress and adequate body repair... but yes, there are more important signs and symptoms I am interested in improving before the weights.

Both would be nice tho

[AdamWW]

Decided to weigh myself today... i'm 2.8lb heavier than on Christmas.

Likely cause: water and food in my gut. But, who knows... maybe a little actual weight, too.

Going to weigh in tomorrow and on Monday to see what happens, because I was feeling rather bloated this morning.

[kals87]

Decided to weigh myself today... i'm 2.8lb heavier than on Christmas.

Likely cause: water and food in my gut. But, who knows... maybe a little actual weight, too.

Going to weigh in tomorrow and on Monday to see what happens, because I was feeling rather bloated this morning.

Just curious, how much weight have you gained since the first post?

[AdamWW]

Just curious, how much weight have you gained since the first post?

Lost between -1 and -2lb, or at best probably no change. I have not been averaging my weight much because it is a trigger for me, but I'm measuring from time to time to make sure I do not dip lower.

[kals87]

Lost between -1 and -2lb, or at best probably no change. I have not been averaging my weight much because it is a trigger for me, but I'm measuring from time to time to make sure I do not dip lower.

Isn't your goal to put on weight?

[AdamWW]

Isn't your goal to put on weight?

yes

[kals87]

yes

And you haven't gained any weight in almost two months now. Why aren't you eating until you're gaining weight?

[AdamWW]

And you haven't gained any weight in almost two months now. Why aren't you eating until you're gaining weight?

Have you read the premise of the log or any previous posts?

I won't sugarcoat it: I have a hard time managing my food intake intuitively, and that was the approach I wanted to take.

The problem with intuition here is multi-faceted:

- Because of my reflux, I do need to think about food and meal timing, as well as WHAT I'm eating

- If I think about food timing and content, which it seems I NEED to, I become hyper-aware of the food, in which case I spend too much time pondering calories, nutrients, etc.

- As a result of this, I end up over-consuming (which is a good thing for me) on some days, and under-consuming - I think - on other days which ultimately has led to no weight gain.

So it seems, at least for now, the 'intuitive' approach might not work for this stage of my recovery. My fullness levels are very random, my gastric emptying seems to be somewhat abnormal or at least fluctuates depending on what I eat (which makes me feel fuller or less full depending on the situation), and I always have to consider whether it's going to make me want to vomit (from the reflux that is... I'm not a purger).

Couple this (recovery) with stress from life, wanting to (but not doing a good job at) starting a new relationship, buying and moving into a new house and having a mortgage, trying to maintain composure and performance in my job and not get fired, periods of clinical anxiety/depression/hypochondria/social anxiety, and what I can only describe as a 1/3-life existential crisis, and here is where I landed.

All this being said, it's no one's fault but my own. I'm either going to gain weight forcefully and hopefully be able to eventually give up control completely, or I'll stay sick or get worse and have to go to inpatient therapy.

[kals87]

Have you read the premise of the log or any previous posts?

Yeah.

I need to gain weight, obviously. My current weight is 128-129lb at 6' tall (OK, fine, 5'11.8976), making my BMI 17.5. That aint good.

[Heisman2]

What treatment have you done/considered for reflux and gastric emptying issues? Have you talked to a gastroenterologist specifically about this? I'm pretty sure you have said that you have in the past for reflux but I'm not sure about gastric emptying; there are meds for that if indicated.

What happens if you drink things like Boost or Ensure (or make your own weight-gaining shakes)? Can you get those down in some capacity without reflux issues?

[kals87]

All this being said, it's no one's fault but my own. I'm either going to gain weight forcefully and hopefully be able to eventually give up control completely, or I'll stay sick or get worse and have to go to inpatient therapy.

Having to forcefully gain weight doesn't necessarily mean you have to take control and start counting calories. Just take what you're doing now and make small tweaks to your diet every week until you're gaining weight.

Are you afraid of gaining weight/fat?

[AdamWW]

What treatment have you done/considered for reflux and gastric emptying issues? Have you talked to a gastroenterologist specifically about this? I'm pretty sure you have said that you have in the past for reflux but I'm not sure about gastric emptying; there are meds for that if indicated.

What happens if you drink things like Boost or Ensure (or make your own weight-gaining shakes)? Can you get those down in some capacity without reflux issues?

I have gone through every available test for my reflux and have seen multiple doctors and specialists.

I have considered both Nissan and "TIF" (transoral incisionless fundoplication) in terms of surgical methods.

I am 'approved' for either by gastric surgeons having spoken to them, but the NISSAN has many drawbacks which led me to not get it done, not the least of which is the reversal process and the resulting LOSS of appetite it often causes. Because I need to gain weight, losing my appetite is a very big possible downside.

The TIF is something I actually WANT to have done, but it is not currently approved for coverage by any insurance provider I am aware of. It is a very new method and very expensive.

For now, I take a single 150mg Zantac tablet if I get symptomatic, but those also have some issues with me as they seem to keep me feeling fuller because - and this is just a guess - they slow down my digestion and keep food in my stomach longer.

Higher-calorie drinks are an option, but to be honest the only time in the past 10+ years I have been able to exercise or move with any vigor (even just walking up a flight of stairs) without feeling the lump in my throat is if I have not consumed food within 4+ hours and in which case I can tolerate water. Otherwise, liquid or not, I get reflux.

The degree of reflux, however, increases with the acidity of the food, how solid it is, and the activities I am doing.

That being said, the reflux is something I can work around if I put my mind to it... I cannot use that as an excuse for not gaining weight... it's just a huge, huge annoyance.

Having to forcefully gain weight doesn't necessarily mean you have to take control and start counting calories. Just take what you're doing now and make small tweaks to your diet every week until you're gaining weight.

Are you afraid of gaining weight/fat

Eating disorders are more complicated than this.

I don't care about weight specifically; fat? Sure, that is a part about it... so is losing control, so is reverting to my old self. It's complex... not a single factor or fear.

[kals87]

Eating disorders are more complicated than this.

I don't care about weight specifically; fat? Sure, that is a part about it... so is losing control, so is reverting to my old self. It's complex... not a single factor or fear.

Right, eating disorders are complicated. That's why keeping things as simple as that can help you avoid going back to your obsessive, calorie counting ways.

But yeah, if you're afraid to gain fat, then it's all a moot point. You need to be recovered mentally before you start the physical aspect of recovery and it seems as if mentally, you're not all the way there yet.

I recall all the advice you've given MosToorani in the past about his disorder over at the Eating Disorder thread and a lot of the advice you've given him applies to your current situation, in terms of mental recovery.

[AdamWW]

Right, eating disorders are complicated. That's why keeping things as simple as that can help you avoid going back to your obsessive, calorie counting ways.

But yeah, if you're afraid to gain fat, then it's all a moot point. You need to be recovered mentally before you start the physical aspect of recovery and it seems as if mentally, you're not all the way there yet.

I recall all the advice you've given MosToorani in the past about his disorder over at the Eating Disorder thread and a lot of the advice you've given him applies to your current situation, in terms of mental recovery.

Disagree with the second paragraph.

Everyone’s path to and method of recovery is unique. Also, ‘simplying’ is Often a good idea, but again the method is unique to the person.

[Heisman2]

Have you considered a PPI? Possible downsides if used longterm (likely less so than the side effects of reflux long term), but if it were to help you gain weight in the short term that would likely be worth it.

High calorie drinks may help you gain weight. I'm not trying to comment on your situation specifically but as a general rule I'd rather someone who is underweight not exercise at all until they gain weight if the exercise itself is inhibiting them from doing so. If doing less activities and drinking high calorie shakes helps you that would maybe be worth it in the short term. A 2 month stretch of gaining 1-2 pounds a week could go a really long way.

[AdamWW]

Have you considered a PPI? Possible downsides if used longterm (likely less so than the side effects of reflux long term), but if it were to help you gain weight in the short term that would likely be worth it.

High calorie drinks may help you gain weight. I'm not trying to comment on your situation specifically but as a general rule I'd rather someone who is underweight not exercise at all until they gain weight if the exercise itself is inhibiting them from doing so. If doing less activities and drinking high calorie shakes helps you that would maybe be worth it in the short term. A 2 month stretch of gaining 1-2 pounds a week could go a really long way.

I have used several PPI's. They slow down my bowel process and make me extremely constipated so, I opt for Zantac on a symptomatic basis.

[Heisman2]

I have used several PPI's. They slow down my bowel process and make me extremely constipated so, I opt for Zantac on a symptomatic basis.

That is interesting; that's not a common side effect. Another consideration would be to use the PPI and to use something for constipation. Just throwing ideas out there. I don't know how much of your current symptoms are from the psychological vs. physical aspect, but if it's the physical side of things any little bit could help.

[AdamWW]

That is interesting; that's not a common side effect. Another consideration would be to use the PPI and to use something for constipation. Just throwing ideas out there. I don't know how much of your current symptoms are from the psychological vs. physical aspect, but if it's the physical side of things any little bit could help.

I’ve done that as well, but ultimately landed on this as the preferred approach.

I believe the reason for constipation/improper digestion is simply that with less acid the food processes differently. But who knows...

For now, I prefer the Zantac because although it does not control the reflux as well or for as long, it’s also generally easier on my system in terms of disrupting regularity and comfort.

[AdamWW]

ON another note, bought both almond and pistachio butter today... the later looks very green and dangerous, but I love raw pistachios so hopefully it’s good.

Also, added 5lb to both my barbell row and bench today.

I felt very good through the whole workout, no doubt due to basically zero activity yesterday.

[Bosko]

[AdamWW]

[youtube]j9K796cnJ5o[youtube]

You too sir!

[AdamWW]

Happy New Year everyone.

Had a good NYE with the girl I've been seeing for about a month. It's odd, being 32 and dating for the first time in 2.5 years feels very different, and it definitely in a combination of many positive and negative thoughts doing through my head. But, she's great... I'm trying not to over-think it, but of course it's tough given my situation(s).

I woke up this morning pretty groggy... didn't get back home until 230am (did not drink and drive, no).

I also noticed that my suspicions about closely trying to track weight gain while being 'intuitive' with my food seems to set my progress back completely.

Moving forward I am going to continue to eat to my hunger, but I'm going to limit weigh-ins to the last 4 days of the month, at which time I will average the weight of the four days and that will be my official 'month-end-weight'.

I think this will be better in keeping my thoughts away from the scale and more focused on over experiences in my life.

No work today, of course, but I do plan on training legs and -- because I feel extremely famished -- eating quite a lot.

I may try a new lunch spot... will post some pics and review here if that happens.

[kals87]

I also noticed that my suspicions about closely trying to track weight gain while being 'intuitive' with my food seems to set my progress back completely.

Moving forward I am going to continue to eat to my hunger, but I'm going to limit weigh-ins to the last 4 days of the month, at which time I will average the weight of the four days and that will be my official 'month-end-weight'.

I think this will be better in keeping my thoughts away from the scale and more focused on over experiences in my life.

How will this help you gain weight? It just seems that you're going to continue doing the same thing that you've been doing for the past 2 months.

[AdamWW]

How will this help you gain weight? It just seems that you're going to continue doing the same thing that you've been doing for the past 2 months.

More frequent (daily, every-other-day, etc) weigh-ins make me fixate on numbers and create subconscious 'challenges' to weigh-in as low as possible so I can measure, as accurately as possible, my 'true' weigh... 'true' meaning without excess water, food, etc.

Example: if tomorrow is a 'weigh-in day' after 4 days of no weigh-ins wherein I ate larger amount of food, I know full-well that a dramatic increase in scale weight in that period is not going to be significant body mass of any kind. So, the day prior I tend to 'prepare' my consuming less water before bed and not eating as much near bed time, which tends to drop daily calories low because my body weight changes a lot with water and bowel movements.

That cycle then causes me to anticipate the weigh in and 'prepare' to it rather than focusing on eating to perform and feel my best.

You're welcome to your opinion, but I know how my mind reacts and this is what I am going to do. Happy new year.

[kals87]

More frequent (daily, every-other-day, etc) weigh-ins make me fixate on numbers and create subconscious 'challenges' to weigh-in as low as possible so I can measure, as accurately as possible, my 'true' weigh... 'true' meaning without excess water, food, etc.

Example: if tomorrow is a 'weigh-in day' after 4 days of no weigh-ins wherein I ate larger amount of food, I know full-well that a dramatic increase in scale weight in that period is not going to be significant body mass of any kind. So, the day prior I tend to 'prepare' my consuming less water before bed and not eating as much near bed time, which tends to drop daily calories low because my body weight changes a lot with water and bowel movements.

That cycle then causes me to anticipate the weigh in and 'prepare' to it rather than focusing on eating to perform and feel my best.

You're welcome to your opinion, but I know how my mind reacts and this is what I am going to do. Happy new year.

I don't see how this will ultimately help you gain weight. If over the last two months, your mind has been trying to get you to stay in the < 130 pound range, is it going to be okay when it sees that you're over 130 at your weigh-in at the end of this month?

[AdamWW]

I don't see how this will ultimately help you gain weight. If over the last two months, your mind has been trying to get you to stay in the < 130 pound range, is it going to be okay when it sees that you're over 130 at your weigh-in at the end of this month?

I don't know what else to tell you. Have you ever experienced an eating disorder, anxiety disorder, etc? There isn't any way I can explain to you objectively how this will 'help' other than the way I already mentioned, no more than I can explain to you why, for me, the best 'cure' for my panic attacks has been to stare at myself in a mirror (I'm serious, that is the most effective short-term panic management technique I used).

Regarding the end of the month, I cannot predict the future, so I cannot comment definitively. I can only say that this approach makes sense to me and I am optimistic about it, and I'm going to do it.

[Bosko]

No offense to you because you gotta do what you gotta do...but re read your sig....
You should get on a bus with a bunch of fat women on a cross Country trip and let them stick dollar bills up your wazoo....you only live once man.....

[AdamWW]

No offense to you because you gotta do what you gotta do...but re read your sig....
You should get on a bus with a bunch of fat women on a cross Country trip and let them stick dollar bills up your wazoo....you only live once man.....

I don’t get the joke but somehow it’s still funny

[kals87]

I don't know what else to tell you. Have you ever experienced an eating disorder, anxiety disorder, etc? There isn't any way I can explain to you objectively how this will 'help' other than the way I already mentioned, no more than I can explain to you why, for me, the best 'cure' for my panic attacks has been to stare at myself in a mirror (I'm serious, that is the most effective short-term panic management technique I used).

Regarding the end of the month, I cannot predict the future, so I cannot comment definitively. I can only say that this approach makes sense to me and I am optimistic about it, and I'm going to do it.

While I was never diagnosed with one (I never went to go get it checked), I did recently go through a 1.5 year stretch where I was showing almost all of the symptoms of an eating disorder. I'm 5'9 and the lowest I got to was 147. Like you, I would look at myself in the mirror to reassure myself that I looked "fine", but in hindsight, it probably provided me with a distorted viewpoint. It wasn't until I took a picture of myself and looked at it that I realized how thin and unhealthy that I had become. To keep things short, ever since then I've been able to change my mindset with regards to how I view my weight. I'm 165 pounds now and physically I feel like I look a lot better now than I did at 147. More importantly though, mentally I feel like I'm in a great place where I now don't stress out or panic when I see weight gain.

One thing I'll mention, and probably everyone (and seemingly you as well) will agree with me, is that in the pictures that you provided in the first page, you look a lot better when you were at 170 than you do currently at 130. Do some experimenting with your diet. Don't be afraid to gain weight. You could put on 20 pounds and still look thin. You might be surprised at some of things you discover along the way, as I have.

Good luck to you. I look forward to your weigh-in at the end of the month.

[Heisman2]

kals87, if you were 5'9" an 147 pounds that's a BMI of 21.7. That's perfectly healthy. Your mindset/mental outlook may have been unhealthy but nothing about your height/weight indicates you were unhealthy. AdamWW has already acknowledged in the last few posts he's still dealing with the mental aspects of the eating disorder; giving him basic advice such as "don't be afraid to gain weight" simply isn't going to be helpful even if it's said with good intentions.