Am I wrong?

[sy2502]

If you think your personal yucky feelings about the gheys are more important than your family reunion, then by all means don't go. For some people family is less important than for others. Who are we to judge?

[EdwardTheGreat]

So is it safe to say this: I would rather attend a beheading in a middle eastern country than attend a gay family function?

Probably more like "I don't agree with either"...

[Plateauplower]

I think you should do whatever you want, I don't care one way or the other, so its up to you.....

I do things I'm not comfortable with or would rather not do all the time...That's life. I spent the only nice day of the weekends stuck inside for wife's family birthday lunches etc the last couple weekends. I would have much rather been doing something I wanted to do, but I went and suffered though it until I could finally use the young dog at home that probably needs to go out excuse to GTFO....

If you decide to go watch out for those glory holes, don't go peaking in them or you could lose an eye.

[Fishman15]

Most of you in the OV35, if not all of you, know I don't agree with the gay life style, that goes for both men and women. I don't like to see two women any less than I would like to see two men, so I am not your typical only dislike gay men but ok with two women kissing kind of guy.

With that said, I was invited on Dec 2nd by my family (of course with a bunch of other family members) to a family gathering as my cousins boyfriend is going to propose to her as a surprise, she thinks it is the last family get together for 2017.

However it is at my cousins bar, if any of you read a thread I started here some time ago it is actually a gay bar. When I went there several weeks ago I did not know, but now I do.

Anyway, I told Patty I was not going, she thinks I am wrong and that I should go because I am the family member that everyone in my family always want to see and when I don't show up they always ask Patty "Where is John, why didn't he come?"

But hear me out for one second, my argument is this, why should I subject myself in an environment I am uncomfortable with? Would any of you go to someplace that YOU find uncomfortable whatever that may be?

So am I wrong for not going?

To me, it is quite selfish by whoever set this up, to subject everyone to the scene of a gay bar for a family get together. Don't go, I wouldn't.

[Guinea-pig]

This thread kinda reminds me of The Sopranos
when Vito is found at a gay bar...

[Squid24]

I like O'Side's suggestion and pop in say congrats and pop out...no harm no grope

[Jtbny]

To me, it is quite selfish by whoever set this up, to subject everyone to the scene of a gay bar for a family get together. Don't go, I wouldn't.

You think the cousin, who owns the bar, is selfish to invite everyone to her bar for a gathering? Would you feel that way if it was a country western bar and you hated that type of music? Would that be selfish or is it because someone might not be comfortable in their own skin around homosexuals? On that, who's subjecting anyone here? The choice is to go or don't but it's not being forced upon anyone. Man, some of you guys who scream snowflakes all the time sure act like the victims you dislike.

John, if you aren't comfortable don't go. It's really that simple. You know in your gut if it's the right or wrong thing to do so go with it. IMO, like PP said, part of life is doing things that take us out of our comfort zone. That's where the real learning happens. My guess is you'd have a good time because that's the type of guy you are; you're overthinking this, IMO, but if you go into it thinking you won't then you probably won't- it's a choice.

[poundXpound]

I wouldn't want to go, but I would for my wife. I would interact with the various family members especially if I hadn't seen some of them in a while, and do my best to ignore the regular patrons. Your cousin who own's the place could make the gathering better by having the family congregate in a specific area of the place.

[PeaceWithin]

Are you going to be invited to the wedding/civil union?

I'm not OV35 but saw this topic... I have so many friends from college that came out afterwards and eventually invited me to their weddings. I went to the first one, and it was such an uncomfortable experience I didn't go to any more after that. Label me a bigot or w/e but I only showed up for the reception. Couldn't bring myself to step foot in a church that was performing gay marriage, and I just wasn't comfortable with going to a gay marriage. Probably would have been up for attending a civil union at a courthouse though.

My .02

Either go and be uncomfortable for the sake of the family/cousin/celebration

Or don't go and be uncomfortable because people will likely dig into your business of why you didn't go.


Either way, you may run into this again when wedding planning comes up.

[latebloomingmom]

Depends John on which ranks higher for you
family obligations and being together
or the place it happens to be in

[Brackneyc]

Not in my family, we are never uncomfortable with family, never. We are such a close knitted family.

All the more reason to just go.

[HinduMuffin]

Don't be a selfish *******. Family first. Wear a MAGA shirt for your cousin...

[wesleysh21]

I say you should go. If it was a gay couple and they picked a gay bar to try to prove some kind of point, by all means sit it out. But like you said, its not only your cousins bar but its conveniently located. Go and pay attention to your family, don't worry about what others are doing. Even though as you will read below, my experience with a gay club was...different than what you experienced in this particular club.

If you think your personal yucky feelings about the gheys are more important than your family reunion, then by all means don't go. For some people family is less important than for others. Who are we to judge?

What you did there, I see it.

You just described most family get togethers.

Sometimes we do things for the other people in our lives, and sometimes we don’t like it.

I live my life in damn near 100% "comfort" mode. If I don't like something or prefer something else, I avoid it or find a way to change it. That's my default mode. My parents are cool as fuk and I love hanging out with them, so I look like a "good son" by staying in contact and being around them as much as I can. In reality they'd barely know I was alive if they weren't so awesome...sad but true.

However, I did get a life lesson years ago on a really trivial matter. A guy we worked with was having a going away get together with everyone from the office. This was a "going away" in the fact that he was leaving our regional office to go back to headquarters, but underneath it all the elephant in the room was he might never work again (he was in a plane crash and was really messed up, but was fighting hard to lead a regular life again). Anyways, I hated the place he chose. It was somewhere I swore I'd never go back to. I was talking about it and was about to go into default mode and manipulate him to change the location. I was in my 20's and my co-worker, who is a much older friend said something to the effect of "sometimes its not about you. Let him have his moment in the place of his choosing, and be there for HIM." Message received. I still struggle to live my day to day life doing things that are uncomfortable or that suck...but I have gotten a lot better at throwing myself on the alter of sucktitude when its a temporary, or singular event.

You said you've been to this place before and didn't know it was a gay bar. Are the regulars openly sexual in the place? Or, is it simply the fact that you know that it's a place that gay people regular?

I used to deliver beer in my college years and delivered to quite a few "gay" bars, and to be honest, I never knew it was a gay bar until somebody else told me so.

Whatever decision you make, you won't be wrong. You may disappoint some family, but ultimately, it's your choice.

I have no issues with gay people, it is what it is. If you come out as gay around me, expect no reaction because I really don't care. I have only been to a gay bar/club once. We were in college and my boy had met some hot chick who had some hot friends that invited us out that night. It was to a gay club, and I knew that going in. She said they liked to go to the gay clubs because they played the best music, and they weren't constantly harassed by guys while they were dancing. Point received.

It was unlike any "club" I'd ever been in before. I've never seen so many people so "outwardly" intimate with eachother before. It was a very sexually charged environment, and I'm pretty sure people were having sex in the bathroom. And when I say "people," I don't mean one "couple," I mean several. If you didn't know this was a gay bar going in, you would have figured it out in the first 5 minutes.

[x-trainer ben]

Depends John on which ranks higher for you
family obligations and being together
or the place it happens to be in

This^^^ and Gay bars play the BEST house music

[ElrondHubbard]

Dude, isn't it time you get over this hangup. You're limiting your enjoyment of life.

Maybe ask yourself why you're so offended/threatened by gays. Are you afraid they will force themselves on you? lol.

Are you afraid you're attracted to dudes? Are you afraid you'll catch teh gay?

Maybe do like OS said - swing by for the announcement. Share in a toast to the couple and then split. Or stay, dance and have a great time!

Life is too short for silly hangups.

Some people grow up, some don't. Some can't, some don't want to. Still, the rest of the family shouldn't have to suffer the childishness of one who at least recognizes that he would act childishly.

[ElrondHubbard]

Most of you in the OV35, if not all of you, know I don't agree with the gay life style, that goes for both men and women. I don't like to see two women any less than I would like to see two men, so I am not your typical only dislike gay men but ok with two women kissing kind of guy.

With that said, I was invited on Dec 2nd by my family (of course with a bunch of other family members) to a family gathering as my cousins boyfriend is going to propose to her as a surprise, she thinks it is the last family get together for 2017.

However it is at my cousins bar, if any of you read a thread I started here some time ago it is actually a gay bar. When I went there several weeks ago I did not know, but now I do.

Anyway, I told Patty I was not going, she thinks I am wrong and that I should go because I am the family member that everyone in my family always want to see and when I don't show up they always ask Patty "Where is John, why didn't he come?"

But hear me out for one second, my argument is this, why should I subject myself in an environment I am uncomfortable with? Would any of you go to someplace that YOU find uncomfortable whatever that may be?

So am I wrong for not going?

1. Of course you're wrong. It's the default answer, and will always be correct.

2. For your sake and that of your family, you should not go.

[sumolgi]

OS called it. Knock out the family obligation, grab a free drink, bail if it's too weird. My $.02

[bodyhard]

Some people are reading this wrong, this is NOT a gay reunion, the person who is proposing to my cousin is a man and she is a woman and they are straight. It just so happens that my family want to meet up at a bar that is own by my OTHER cousin who just happens to be gay so HIS bar is a a gay bar.

After reading most of the decent responses that saw this for what it is and not put in their own feelings (hurt or otherwise) in it, I think the best thing for me to do is what OS suggested, go, wait until my cousins boyfriend proposers to her then leave. Also in the interim in waiting for the proposal see how comfortable/uncomfortable I am and make my decision based on that.

Thanks OV35, you guys never let me down!

[Karl_Hungus]

You think the cousin, who owns the bar, is selfish to invite everyone to her bar for a gathering? Would you feel that way if it was a country western bar and you hated that type of music? Would that be selfish or is it because someone might not be comfortable in their own skin around homosexuals? On that, who's subjecting anyone here? The choice is to go or don't but it's not being forced upon anyone. Man, some of you guys who scream snowflakes all the time sure act like the victims you dislike.

Come on....I don't know if I would call it "selfish", but you gotta admit that anyone with a modicum of social understanding could anticipate that not everyone would be comfortable in a gay bar....and certainly in a more visceral way than your analogous example of the discomfort one might feel in a country western bar. I'm not saying those feelings are right or wrong...just stating reality.

As an example -- If I knew family members who had a strong antipathy for religion, I probably wouldn't hold a family reunion in a church. Or if I had family members who were recovering alcoholics, I wouldn't choose a bar (of any kind) etc.

To answer BH's question -- If I were uncomfortable with the venue, I would probably just make a brief appearance and then leave.

[Mark1T]

This^^^ and Gay bars play the BEST house music

They play a lot of Wham and Queen.


At least that's what I heard

[bodyhard]

This is my cousin, the one who is going to get proposed to and her boyfriend.


My cousin the owner of the bar in the middle of me and my brother Nelson.

[x-trainer ben]

they play a lot of wham and queen.


At least that's what i heard

rotflmao!

[Squid24]

They play a lot of Wham and Queen.


At least that's what I heard

Wake me up before you go go,
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo.
Wake me up before you go go,
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
Wake me up before you go go,
'Cause I'm not planning on going solo.
Wake me up before you go go,
Take me dancing tonight.
I want to hit that high

lol

[Fishman15]

You think the cousin, who owns the bar, is selfish to invite everyone to her bar for a gathering? Would you feel that way if it was a country western bar and you hated that type of music? Would that be selfish or is it because someone might not be comfortable in their own skin around homosexuals? On that, who's subjecting anyone here? The choice is to go or don't but it's not being forced upon anyone. Man, some of you guys who scream snowflakes all the time sure act like the victims you dislike.

John, if you aren't comfortable don't go. It's really that simple. You know in your gut if it's the right or wrong thing to do so go with it. IMO, like PP said, part of life is doing things that take us out of our comfort zone. That's where the real learning happens. My guess is you'd have a good time because that's the type of guy you are; you're overthinking this, IMO, but if you go into it thinking you won't then you probably won't- it's a choice.

You are comparing someone listening to country music to witnessing homos kissing in a bar? Sorry, I am a traditionalist and the sight of that makes my skin crawl. Enjoy if you like it though. It's just my opinion...I'm not forcing you to go to a country western bar. and yes, the gay bar owner should take a step back and think about it unless he knows for a fact everyone is comfortable with it. Apparently that's not the case though...

[so-tex]

if it's family thing maybe make a brief appearance then bail...

if patty and others feel obligated to stay then let that be their thing..

just pop in after he proposes, wish them the best and then go about your way !

This. Make an appearance and leave.

[so-tex]

Come on....I don't know if I would call it "selfish", but you gotta admit that anyone with a modicum of social understanding could anticipate that not everyone would be comfortable in a gay bar....and certainly in a more visceral way than your analogous example of the discomfort one might feel in a country western bar. I'm not saying those feelings are right or wrong...just stating reality.

As an example -- If I knew family members who had a strong antipathy for religion, I probably wouldn't hold a family reunion in a church. Or if I had family members who were recovering alcoholics, I wouldn't choose a bar (of any kind) etc.

To answer BH's question -- If I were uncomfortable with the venue, I would probably just make a brief appearance and then leave.

Quit it with the logic.














Good advice.

[sy2502]

Are you going to be invited to the wedding/civil union?

I'm not OV35 but saw this topic... I have so many friends from college that came out afterwards and eventually invited me to their weddings. I went to the first one, and it was such an uncomfortable experience I didn't go to any more after that. Label me a bigot or w/e but I only showed up for the reception. Couldn't bring myself to step foot in a church that was performing gay marriage, and I just wasn't comfortable with going to a gay marriage. Probably would have been up for attending a civil union at a courthouse though.

This was a very interesting post. I seem to understand you are more uncomfortable with the thought of a church performing gay marriages than with homosexuality itself. I had never heard this position before and even though I am not religious, I think I can understand it and respect it.

Come on....I don't know if I would call it "selfish", but you gotta admit that anyone with a modicum of social understanding could anticipate that not everyone would be comfortable in a gay bar....and certainly in a more visceral way than your analogous example of the discomfort one might feel in a country western bar. I'm not saying those feelings are right or wrong...just stating reality.

First of all, you don't know whether you are going to be uncomfortable in a situation until you try it. I know it sounds cliche' but it really is true. Giving something new a fair chance is the best way to find new and interesting things you may like. Of course if you go there with your mind already made up that THOU SHALT BE UNCOMFORTABLE then yeah, you will be.

Anyway just to poop on the party, I'd like to use as a cue the fires we are having here in California, with 31 people confirmed dead and 400 reported missing, I am only going to say that you never know what life can throw at you. We never know if the time we see our loved ones may be the last time we ever see them, and then we'll wish we had seen more of them. So don't pass an occasion to be with those who really matter to you. Unless of course they don't matter all that much.

[x-trainer ben]

Isn't the gay bar location more about a free venue with free booze to host a family party?

[7Seconds]

To me, it is quite selfish by whoever set this up, to subject everyone to the scene of a gay bar for a family get together. Don't go, I wouldn't.

As I understand it the cheapest and most convenient place to have this party happens to be a gay bar. If Bodyhard doesn't feel comfortable in that environment then he shouldn't go, but that's on him not the people organizing the event.

[Karl_Hungus]

First of all, you don't know whether you are going to be uncomfortable in a situation until you try it. I know it sounds cliche' but it really is true. Giving something new a fair chance is the best way to find new and interesting things you may like. Of course if you go there with your mind already made up that THOU SHALT BE UNCOMFORTABLE then yeah, you will be.

But you are making a different point here. You are suggesting what people SHOULD do... whereas I am thinking about what people ACTUALLY do. I agree with you that open-mindedness is a good thing, but the reality is that some people just aren't willing to subject themselves to potentially uncomfortable situations....and for many, a gay bar definitely fits into that category. Therefore, this should at least be a consideration when choosing the venue. Personally, if I wanted all of my family members to show up for an event, I wouldn't choose a place that I knew would cause problems.