[SRS] Depression Discussion and Support Thread Part III

[MrDevereaux]

My situation is confusing.. very confusing lol. two diagnosis and it dates back to my childhood. When I was a kid I was beaten, abused, starved, etc. Saught treatment in 12 grade and been resistant to nearly every ssri. Just like you I have no reason to feel depressed. its been almost 10 years since the last time ive felt happy. Ive had my depression lifted twice for maybe 5 weeks total since the 2nd grade. My entire life has been unhappy.

I'm so sorry my friend. I wish I knew more about depression that stemmed from childhood and that kind of abuse and trauma. It amazes me that anybody could go through that and not be depressed. I just wonder if treating depression stemming from that kind of abuse lies in therapy, meds or more likely a combination of both.

You say you have no reason to feel depressed but that early life trauma seems reason aplenty, no matter how things are right now. I still really hope that the right med could lift you enough to at least begin to work through some of that early childhood experience. It sounds like it would cause PTSD but again that's not something I know a lot about.

Do you have the financial resources to try various treatments (whatever those may be)?

One thing I'll apologise for i advance is that you may notice I ask you the same questions. It's not that I'm not listening. My memory has been quite badly affected by ECT and there isn't too much I can do about it.

[alltrapbrah]

I don't disagree with you in many ways. Environmental factors were massively important in the genesis of my depression.

However at this point things are just different for me. Nardil has worked for me and now I wake up every day loving life and looking forward to the day ahead. NOTHING in my circumstances has changed.

I think the only point I disagree with you on is that my depression is similar to EODs. He is sad about not having friends, loneliness, lack of interest in his girl, etc. I never experienced any of that. The depression I had was almost 'physical'. I think Styron describes it as a neuralgic pain.

It is a COMPLETELY different state of existence and bears zero resemblance to ordinary sadness or melancholy. It is psychic pain and unless you have experienced it there is no possible way that you could know what it feels like. I'm not saying YOU haven't, I'm just saying that people that haven't experienced this kind of depression simply cannot understand it.

It would be like me trying to understand schizophrenia. I haven't experienced it and simply cannot imagine what that is like.

EOD and I have very different types of depression.

Just to be clear, I really like this discussion and hope nothing I say riles you. I think it's fine for us to have different points of view and a lot of what you say makes total sense to me.

I really hope that you can gradually address the issues you describe. In no way to I mean to trivialise the kind of depression that stems from isolation, etc. It's bad enough to drive people to suicide. My only point is that it's different to my depression.

Firstly, i’m happy to hear your thoughts; I am not riled up in the slightest. Truth be told I wish more conversations on the misc were this civil, where one can speak his mind and the other does not get ‘butthurt’ as a result.

Going off your brief descriptions of your depression, I must admit none of it seems to be connected to any kind of sadness or melancholy. But if we perceive depression as a low energy state, or perhaps a stressed state (because a stressed stress is a low energy state), then I think we come back to your depression and EOD’s depression having more in common than first appearances would suggest.

Where I do agree with you though is that I think your depression has taken on a life of it’s own. The best i analogy I can think of is a person who has become grossly obese. Originally, they would have just been a little bit fat and the whole condition would have been quite easily reversible, but with time they became super whales and the body makes all sorts of compensations and adapts to that state, and then the whole condition becomes close to irreversible without severe intervention / life style changes.

But the main point i’d like to drive home is that you were fine and normal during the early years of your life, happy even, and then your depression built from adolescence onwards.

[alltrapbrah]

You say you have no reason to feel depressed but that early life trauma seems reason aplenty, no matter how things are right now. I still really hope that the right med could lift you enough to at least begin to work through some of that early childhood experience. It sounds like it would cause PTSD but again that's not something I know a lot about.

I’ve mentioned what i’m about to say a handful of times before, but it’s worth repeating for those unaware:

As horrible as outright (overt) child abuse is, there is one upside in that the victim knows he has been abused, which is highly useful when it comes to identifying and overcoming any connected problems. But there also exists more covert forms of child abuse, which often occur in seemingly well put together families. In these cases, the abuse isn’t as overt, e.g. yo daddy isn’t taking a wrench to your head in an alcoholic rage, but instead the abuse occurs in more subtle ways, and has this sinister quality in that the child is completely unaware of any damage being done and subsequently develops into an adult who is confused about why they’re having difficulties in life.

It was only in my late adulthood and after much reading that I came to realise just how dysfunctional my immediate family is, but on the surface we appeared to be a relatively normal family.

[MrDevereaux]

Firstly, i’m happy to hear your thoughts; I am not riled up in the slightest. Truth be told I wish more conversations on the misc were this civil, where one can speak his mind and the other does not get ‘butthurt’ as a result.

Going off your brief descriptions of your depression, I must admit none of it seems to be connected to any kind of sadness or melancholy. But if we perceive depression as a low energy state, or perhaps a stressed state (because a stressed stress is a low energy state), then I think we come back to your depression and EOD’s depression having more in common than first appearances would suggest.

Where I do agree with you though is that I think your depression has taken on a life of it’s own. The best i analogy I can think of is a person who has become grossly obese. Originally, they would have just been a little bit fat and the whole condition would have been quite easily reversible, but with time they became super whales and the body makes all sorts of compensations and adapts to that state, and then the whole condition becomes close to irreversible without severe intervention / life style changes.

But the main point i’d like to drive home is that you were fine and normal during the early years of your life, happy even, and then your depression built from adolescence onwards.

I absolutely agree with you. I think very often late adolescence is when depression and anxiety begin to surface, as we move from a relative carefree world (although of course not true in all cases) to one of adults, stresses and responsibilities. I think that is the point that some kind of therapy could really have helped me, in terms of learning how to deal with stress especially.

I'm also glad we're able to talk civilly on the Misc. I post nonsense in the other threads, do that whole locker room type humor, etc but am glad that in this one thread at least people do appear to be looking out for each other, have decent conversations and not just bash each other.

As far as EOD goes I in no way mean to bash the guy but he does post the same stuff over and over and over. If just doing that is cathartic in itself then, fine, by all means he should continue to do it. But I'm not sure that it's going to lead anywhere. I'm not going to give it the whole cliched and overly simplistic self improvement spiel, I'm just not sure whether he is looking for advice or just to be able to vocalize the way he feels on here. It's hard to know what to suggest.

I’ve mentioned what i’m about to say a handful of times before, but it’s worth repeating for those unaware:

As horrible as outright (overt) child abuse is, there is one upside in that the victim knows he has been abused, which is highly useful when it comes to identifying and overcoming any connected problems. But there also exists more covert forms of child abuse, which often occur in seemingly well put together families. In these cases, the abuse isn’t as overt, e.g. yo daddy isn’t taking a wrench to your head in an alcoholic rage, but instead the abuse occurs in more subtle ways, and has this sinister quality in that the child is completely unaware of any damage being done and subsequently develops into an adult who is confused about why they’re having difficulties in life.

It was only in my late adulthood and after much reading that I came to realise just how dysfunctional my immediate family is, but on the surface we appeared to be a relatively normal family.

I coudn't agree more with this as well. There's that quote, 'They **** you up, your Mum and Dad, they don't mean to but they do' (I may not have it exactly correct) but there definitely is a stage in life where we're extremely susceptible to our immediate family environment and it's almost inevitable that parents, even non-overtly dysfunctional ones will have a significant effect on how we develop as people. As you say though, the more subtle is it the harder it is to even articulate and identify, let alone address.

[imbored21]

Just fapped 3 times after 3 days of nofap and feel terrible. My mood is at an all time low. I don't know why I did it to myself. I have 0 support system or long term friends. Every time I meet someone that makes me feel better, they just disappear from my life forever. Every time I have reached out to someone, I have been rejected or ignored. It made my social anxiety so bad. It takes me soo much mental fortitude to reach out to someone and it always ended badly. My brain learned to not reach out to people because it experienced bad things everytime. My social anxiety is so bad. I'm so lonely. Wow. I can't believe this is my lfie.

[eod8989]

The thing is if you don't meet people who you can do things you enjoy with or talk about your interests with it's just automatic loneliness. I just wish i could have a normal life. I have to resort to internet and video games to escape.

If someone loves fishing, they need to have someone to fish with. If someone loves video games, they need someone to play video games with. This is just basic life stuff that comes to most people. You can't be happy if you always feel alone around people.

[hidingwithmusic]

I'm so sorry my friend. I wish I knew more about depression that stemmed from childhood and that kind of abuse and trauma. It amazes me that anybody could go through that and not be depressed. I just wonder if treating depression stemming from that kind of abuse lies in therapy, meds or more likely a combination of both.

You say you have no reason to feel depressed but that early life trauma seems reason aplenty, no matter how things are right now. I still really hope that the right med could lift you enough to at least begin to work through some of that early childhood experience. It sounds like it would cause PTSD but again that's not something I know a lot about.

Do you have the financial resources to try various treatments (whatever those may be)?

One thing I'll apologise for i advance is that you may notice I ask you the same questions. It's not that I'm not listening. My memory has been quite badly affected by ECT and there isn't too much I can do about it.

No I dont have the money to try other treatments. I came very close to doing ECT but I'm happy I didn't. I read what you had to say about your memory problems and I'm sorry.. I've heard people get ect and weren't able to think the way they used to again. I wish I could try ******** but I'm schizoaffective and the director of a clinic turned me down.

The childhood abuse does bother me everyday... I think about the fact I've never had a mother and father. They never cared about me.. I might be PTSD. You could be right and it might be the reason I'm depressed. It's just that chemical depression brings in any sad thoughts from your past whether it be a past relationship, dead relative, etc. and when you get over it the thoughts are gone. For my first time overcoming depression, I went to the medical doctor and he prescribed me paxil and without therapy, coping skills, or any of that I got over depression just by taking the pills. I'll talk to my therapist this week about it.

[imbored21]

done with this world

[MrDevereaux]

It's so typical. Just when I'm happy (because of Nardil) and things look great, I'm about to lose my job.

I'm General Counsel at a financial services firm but they have run into difficulties and I think they will collapse.

I loved working at this firm and I hate the idea of having to start again from scratch, even if I can find another job in this market. Goddamit.

[hidingwithmusic]

It's so typical. Just when I'm happy (because of Nardil) and things look great, I'm about to lose my job.

I'm General Counsel at a financial services firm but they have run into difficulties and I think they will collapse.

I loved working at this firm and I hate the idea of having to start again from scratch, even if I can find another job in this market. Goddamit.

sorry to hear that man.

[MrDevereaux]

sorry to hear that man.

Thanks bro. I'll be ok. If this happened before the depression lifted I simply wouldn't have the energy to look for a new job but now I think I'll be able to.

[eod8989]

Can anyone else here just not function at all anymore? I can barely even talk some days because I'm so depressed and if I do its just forced and I don't enjoy it. I dont get it man I never thought life would become like this.

This dude i work with takes ******** and he just talks to me non stop about everything and it drives me crazy. I cant just meet normal people man

[DizzySmalls]

Lately I have had almost zero desire for anything. I have no energy and the smallest of tasks just seem insurmountable. Putting everything off for later and just craving sleep all the time. My work ethic from home is in the toilet, like 20% of my productivity in the office last year. The only thing I really crave is human connection, and then when I am with people or socializing, it's awful and I just want to isolate again.

I see no path forward. I'm really close to calling up the ******** clinic but I'm worried that I may not make it through the screening. I haven't seen any professionals in years, but did multiple ineffective regimens in the past.

[eod8989]

Lately I have had almost zero desire for anything. I have no energy and the smallest of tasks just seem insurmountable. Putting everything off for later and just craving sleep all the time. My work ethic from home is in the toilet, like 20% of my productivity in the office last year. The only thing I really crave is human connection, and then when I am with people or socializing, it's awful and I just want to isolate again.

I see no path forward. I'm really close to calling up the ******** clinic but I'm worried that I may not make it through the screening. I haven't seen any professionals in years, but did multiple ineffective regimens in the past.

I'm like this all the time. I need love and intimacy and actual friends to socialize with. Just talking to random people or coworkers i have nothing in common with is draining. If i talk to people i don't really want to it drains me completely.

[eod8989]

What causes your depression brahs? Or triggers it?

For me i'm pretty sure it's sexual frustration and isolation. I don't think it's chemical i think i just get triggered by these things almost daily. I just don't know how to fix it.

[BigTimePlayer]

What causes your depression brahs? Or triggers it?

For me i'm pretty sure it's sexual frustration and isolation. I don't think it's chemical i think i just get triggered by these things almost daily. I just don't know how to fix it.

Mine I’m sure is chemical but there’s so many things about my life too that I don’t like. I’m sure if I even had a lot of money I would still be miserable everyday.

[eod8989]

Mine I’m sure is chemical but there’s so many things about my life too that I don’t like. I’m sure if I even had a lot of money I would still be miserable everyday.

I don't care about money man. I just want a connection. Like a real connection where i can talk to someone and go do things. Even if i connected with people at work and could just have a fun work day i would take that. But this isolation and being in my head all the time is killing me.

I just feel so alone around everyone man. It's been like this for a while.

[BigTimePlayer]

I don't care about money man. I just want a connection. Like a real connection where i can talk to someone and go do things. Even if i connected with people at work and could just have a fun work day i would take that. But this isolation and being in my head all the time is killing me.

I just feel so alone around everyone man. It's been like this for a while.

Yeah, it’s so awful man. I guess we need different jobs to meet people. I don’t even know what to say anymore.

[BigTimePlayer]

Woke up feeling so depressed today. I didn’t even get out of bed until like 2PM. I really feel my reason for existing is to just be miserable. At this point I truly think that’s why I’m here. I’m like a sacrificial lamb just so I don’t take a spot away from someone else in general. It’s like if I wanted a job & there’s 5 others trying to get the same job but I don’t show up because I’m too depressed would they care? They would be happy since it’s less competition for them. No one even gives a **** & everyone is just out living their lives. The older you get the more you realize that people just don’t care about anything unless it affects them personally.

[eod8989]

Theres just nothing you can do man. People talk to me at work like if I go outside usually people are cool but there is no way to connect with them. It can only be done if i actually work with them. They are all smokers too.

Its just pure loneliness. There is nothing that can be done unless i start approaching people. Idk how much longer I can keep doing this.

[eod8989]

And the only people that talk to me are like 40 or 50. I cant talk to anyone my age. What kind of life is this?

[hidingwithmusic]

instagram.com/ohlana.tv/?hl=en

Hot twitch broadcaster committed suicide.

Depression is real 🙏🏼

[MrDevereaux]

Mine I’m sure is chemical but there’s so many things about my life too that I don’t like. I’m sure if I even had a lot of money I would still be miserable everyday.

If it is chemical please think about giving Nardil or Parnate a try. Nardil has saved my life and MAOIs are serious antidepressants. Like an atomic bomb compared to a grenade (SSRIs, etc).

[eod8989]

the thing is mine isn't even chemical its just I don't connect with anyone and there is nothing to talk about. Idk what to do anymore. You have to meet someone you enjoy talking to to even start a change

[eod8989]

Idk I've been trying to be more social but there is just no connection. Every conversation seems so forced. It baffles me how ppl make connections these days. I just wish I knew what was blocking me from being normal and being able to have conversations with people.

[eod8989]

With depression I can't really feel happiness though. I just kind of exist. If I cant feel true happiness idk how to change my life. Other people will be turned off by it too.

[BigTimePlayer]

It gets so old having the random mood swings. I don’t feel like doing anything at all right now besides browse the internet. It sucks always having to wait until night time to feel somewhat normal. It’s a crapshoot on how I’ll feel throughout the day. It gets so tiring & old dealing with it.

[eod8989]

It gets so old having the random mood swings. I don’t feel like doing anything at all right now besides browse the internet. It sucks always having to wait until night time to feel somewhat normal. It’s a crapshoot on how I’ll feel throughout the day. It gets so tiring & old dealing with it.

Same man. How can we change if our moods are always changing? But tbh i think it's just a natural response to being/feeling alone. But for me nothing ever happens. I get the same results no matter what i do.

[eod8989]

I just don't know what to say to people. I can't have conversations with people for very long because they either already have friends or there is just nothing to talk about. I can only talk about a band or something so long. I just don't get this because i used to be able to talk to people easily but now days it's just hard. I don't want to be the tag along friend or guy who tries to fit in with everyone else.

[eod8989]

And another thing is I get anxiety and paranoid when I go places alone. I cant just go places and strike up condos with people or any of that. It sucks but its like what can you do alone? It isn't fun going places alone. Its pointless