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  1. #1831
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    Originally Posted by AdamWW View Post
    Music choices in sig are on point
    Thank you

    Originally Posted by finnyskat View Post
    hey everyone, just thought i'd drop in because i thought about you all today.
    today i went and got a huge burger with a friend (it was made of bison). not even a week ago, the thought would have sent me to hell.
    today, i ate the whole damn thing!!!! and i drank some root beer too even though liquid calories. . . yikes. but it tasted good. i dont think i'll do that again, though.

    what i mean to say is that already i've made a lot of progress, as far as the fear of food goes. i just have to keep telling myself that food is medicine for my body right now. i wish i'd done this a long time ago.

    my muscles actually look bigger even though i havent been doing a damn thing, too! wonder what that's about.
    Good for you! One day at a time! Keep challenging yourself slowly but surely.
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  2. #1832
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    The best news so far.

    I have consulted my docs yesterday about starting martial arts again, they told me i am physically ready for it, so i can finally fking start it again. I can not tell you guys how happy i am right now, i have waited soo long for this moment.
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  3. #1833
    Immovable Object AdamWW's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Grappa View Post
    I have consulted my docs yesterday about starting martial arts again, they told me i am physically ready for it, so i can finally fking start it again. I can not tell you guys how happy i am right now, i have waited soo long for this moment.
    Time go get strong!!
    Live life like you're gunna die... cause you're gunna.
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  4. #1834
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    Originally Posted by Grappa View Post
    I have consulted my docs yesterday about starting martial arts again, they told me i am physically ready for it, so i can finally fking start it again. I can not tell you guys how happy i am right now, i have waited soo long for this moment.
    kamae-te!
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  5. #1835
    Registered User Grappa's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AdamWW View Post
    Time go get strong!!
    I can not tell you, how badly i want to kick some ass again!
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  6. #1836
    Registered User Strength93's Avatar
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    Update time

    I'm seeing a registered dietitian who works with EDs. She has made me a plan based on the foods that I like. The aim/goal is to:

    - get sufficient energy in on a daily basis
    - have my meals spaced evenly through out the day
    - don't binge eat several pounds of veggies
    - DON'T BINGE EAT 30.000 CALORIES
    - REDUCE MY STOMACH CAPACITY

    It's just so frustrating because I'm so hungry all the damn time, but she said that it is going to be very tough to go through.

    Plus I'm seeing an ED therapist this week too.
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  7. #1837
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    Originally Posted by Strength93 View Post
    Update time

    I'm seeing a registered dietitian who works with EDs. She has made me a plan based on the foods that I like. The aim/goal is to:

    - get sufficient energy in on a daily basis
    - have my meals spaced evenly through out the day
    - don't binge eat several pounds of veggies
    - DON'T BINGE EAT 30.000 CALORIES
    - REDUCE MY STOMACH CAPACITY

    It's just so frustrating because I'm so hungry all the damn time, but she said that it is going to be very tough to go through.

    Plus I'm seeing an ED therapist this week too.
    Hmm i find this really interesting. When i was underweight they never told me to not overeat, they have just told me to space my meals evenly and eat as much as i want.
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  8. #1838
    Registered User Strength93's Avatar
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    @Grappa

    The thing is that I eat 10.000-30.000 a day which is not healthy.
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  9. #1839
    escapin' from auschwitz ro98pt's Avatar
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    A little background about me. In march I was 200lbs around 20%bf and decided I wanted to trim down some fat. I have been dieting since then and It was going pretty good. At July 1st I was around 170lbs 12-13% bf. I binged. I ate over 5k calories and that ****ed up my progress that week. Gained like 0.5 pounds.. This week lowered cals and boom, Binged again(5k cals). My goal was 165lbs till 22nd July (vacation time). I'm so ****ing sad and angry. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm entering a dangerous Binge Pattern. Help me. What should i do???
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  10. #1840
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    Originally Posted by Strength93 View Post
    @Grappa

    The thing is that I eat 10.000-30.000 a day which is not healthy.
    Nor being underweight/malnourished. Just think about it, if you do not drink water, you will going to drink a lot, same goes with food
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  11. #1841
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    Originally Posted by ro98pt View Post
    A little background about me. In march I was 200lbs around 20%bf and decided I wanted to trim down some fat. I have been dieting since then and It was going pretty good. At July 1st I was around 170lbs 12-13% bf. I binged. I ate over 5k calories and that ****ed up my progress that week. Gained like 0.5 pounds.. This week lowered cals and boom, Binged again(5k cals). My goal was 165lbs till 22nd July (vacation time). I'm so ****ing sad and angry. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm entering a dangerous Binge Pattern. Help me. What should i do???
    Welcome to the thread! Half a pound ****ed up your progress? I do not think so. We are humans, we are not perfect accept that. Below certain point (every one is different) your body ll going to force you to overeat and at that point you can not do anything about it. Your body tries to save you from starvation.
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  12. #1842
    escapin' from auschwitz ro98pt's Avatar
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    I know I didn't ruin my progress, but the progress I could've made that week! I'm feeling kinda bad I don't wanna enter these mind games with foods, since I've come near anorexia a couple years ago... As I was bulking I never really had to worry but now on a deficit I have some of the same feelings i had back on the close to anorexia stage.. (125lbs at 6'1)
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  13. #1843
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    Originally Posted by ro98pt View Post
    I know I didn't ruin my progress, but the progress I could've made that week! I'm feeling kinda bad I don't wanna enter these mind games with foods, since I've come near anorexia a couple years ago... As I was bulking I never really had to worry but now on a deficit I have some of the same feelings i had back on the close to anorexia stage.. (125lbs at 6'1)
    Have you received any treatment for your eating disorder?
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  14. #1844
    escapin' from auschwitz ro98pt's Avatar
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    No. When I was super skinny I went to a nutritionist and followed a meal plan, but no psycological treatment. Today is the post-binge day and I'm feeling better, I'm "forcing" myself to forget and continue my diet as usual, no over compensation in diet or exercise. 10 more days and then I'll stop tracking macros for some weeks and just eat by intuition and no looking at the scale. Going to enjoy summer and vacation without binging hopefully, forever
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  15. #1845
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    Originally Posted by ro98pt View Post
    No. When I was super skinny I went to a nutritionist and followed a meal plan, but no psycological treatment. Today is the post-binge day and I'm feeling better, I'm "forcing" myself to forget and continue my diet as usual, no over compensation in diet or exercise. 10 more days and then I'll stop tracking macros for some weeks and just eat by intuition and no looking at the scale. Going to enjoy summer and vacation without binging hopefully, forever
    Recover mentally > recover physically
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  16. #1846
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    Hello everyone, I am Varioque (respond to "Vici" or "Z" as well :P) and am a bloke in his mid-twenties going through my second year in (almost, more on that soon) anorexia recovery. Before anything I'd like to point out that I am seeing a therapist specialized in EDs, so I have that covered. I just value input from other in similar situations as well.

    Basically I am at a loss as to what to do. Long story short, I was overweight, close to obese but, for my entire life, then I discovered bodybuilding, exercise, and calorie (obsession?) counting. While I was never technically underweight in terms of weight due to lifting, I was severely malnourished and had almost dwindled down to essential body fat levels when my wife intervened. Since then, about a year, I have circled through different versions of partial recovery... Increased intake + increased cardio at first, then a period of only cardio, then a period of restriction + cardio, then a period of nervous but failing freedom with food + intense levels of cardio... You get the picture. Currently I am doing moderate lifting, large amounts of cardio, and controlled eating (let's just say I keep myself at a moderate deficit but try to hit all macros but carbs). Throughout it all, I have had dealings with binge-eating, compensatory exercise/meal skipping, a lot of social avoidance... Basically the entire package. My weight is ok though, still a bit to go to be overweight but I have a lot of muscle so I can't rely on that, really.

    It would be nice to be able to let go and, you know, "just eat" again, and maintain a healthy level of exercise. Maybe it's just a fluffy dream once you've been in touch with an eating disorder, I don't know. It feels as if I just cant trust my hunger cues, even after a year of three square meals a day, healthy stuff (my dietary choices are quite healthy by preference, which is a great relief though some things I really loved when I weighed more I still avoid). E.g. I tried it this morning, and without any special effort I downed what most people would consider to be two meals worth of food. Easy. Come lunch time I tried again but stopped halfway through my double-meal... And I eat healthily, most of the time at least. In earnest I am a complete sucker for most types of junk (candy, cookies, chocolate et.c.), albeit not junk "food," (burgers, pizzas, et.c.) if you catch my distinction. The latter is naturally on occasion, the former... Well, they're basically binge material whenever I try *myself* at them, i.e. when I get it 'cause I feel like it, not when they're available at a party or so where there are socially "accepted" amounts to eat. That works better.

    Gosh darned it, I rambled again. I apologize, but I really do not know where to go from here. My therapist focuses mostly on the mental aspects (on which she has been *great* help actually), and the dietician I saw seemed to know less about nutrition than me, or at least what advice she had was basically a more "wing-it" form of calorie counting. :P I just can't intuit balance, since in my life I've only had two modes: overweight and dieting...

    If you read, thank you, if you didn't, I don't blame you and apologize for the out of the blue WoT.
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  17. #1847
    Immovable Object AdamWW's Avatar
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    Hi Vici,

    It sounds like you're looking for input, but you also said your therapist has the 'mental side' covered.

    It would probably be best to stick to their program and see how it goes rather than mixing and matching with input on here. You'll probably end up with too much to cover and sabotage the recovery program they're putting in place.

    How long have you been seeing your therapist?
    Live life like you're gunna die... cause you're gunna.
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  18. #1848
    escapin' from auschwitz ro98pt's Avatar
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    Agreed. I'm analysing what I eat in my binges and I'm trying to incorporate more of those foods on my daily diet even ttough they don't fill me up as much. The feeling of wanting to binge is decreasing, I'm happy
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  19. #1849
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    Originally Posted by AdamWW View Post
    Hi Vici,

    It sounds like you're looking for input, but you also said your therapist has the 'mental side' covered.

    It would probably be best to stick to their program and see how it goes rather than mixing and matching with input on here. You'll probably end up with too much to cover and sabotage the recovery program they're putting in place.

    How long have you been seeing your therapist?
    Hey Adam, and thanks.

    The program, when it comes to food, is a bit loosely defined. Mostly it is in terms of trying to cover the food circle at as many meals as possible, and to eat until I am full, which I have a hard time doing - even though I am eating slowly and do not skip meals et.c. Not that I disagree with you or anything; I am not arrogant enough to assume I know better than them. I have been following it for about a year now. It's just really hard for us, my therapist included, to know how much I need to eat since I do not have any reference to eating enough at my current weight (which has been relatively stable for half a year or so).

    My therapist has been instrumental in teaching me how my mind works in relation to food, in many aspects. How I deal with emotions with it, that my ED broke out as a reaction to my inability to deal with the quarter-life crisis and so forth. I guess my issue is that in trusting myself, my body rather, but whenever I try to trust it without external measures (calorie counting, even eyeballing it) I always end up eating so much it terrifies me. This in turn ties back to my perhaps irrational fear of becoming overweight again since all I know is that eating without restriction made me that, and dieting fixed it even though I overdid it.

    Basically it's about the actual eating and what would be a good approach to it at this juncture. As I said, the dietician I spoke to basically told me about calories and macros and how they matter et.c., which I already know too well...
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    Originally Posted by ro98pt View Post
    Agreed. I'm analysing what I eat in my binges and I'm trying to incorporate more of those foods on my daily diet even ttough they don't fill me up as much. The feeling of wanting to binge is decreasing, I'm happy
    Hey ro98pt, and thanks.

    This is something I have been experimenting with. My issue is with moderation. If I ever treat myself to any "binge material" carefully, I just end up feeling more dissatisfied than before. Whatever I eat I "have" to eat quite a lot of to be satisfied (not full mind you), which is why I tend towards healthy stuff.
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    escapin' from auschwitz ro98pt's Avatar
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    Yes, exactly like me. But I am "forcing" to ONLY having 3/4 cookies or 1 Bowl of ice cream, I think to myself: Ok I'll put one serving in a plate (of whatever "binge" food) and eat it and enjoy it. Afterwards I think about how am I feeling, and usually that feeling of "wanting" a lot more is there. I then think: "Hey, you've eaten one serving, it tasted good, if you eat more it is not going to taste good, and if you binge you will feel ****ty" and then drink a glass of water and/or brush my teeth. Things are going well with this strategy. Give it a try Varioque. Good luck with the process, we are all gonna make it!
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  22. #1852
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    Originally Posted by ro98pt View Post
    Yes, exactly like me. But I am "forcing" to ONLY having 3/4 cookies or 1 Bowl of ice cream, I think to myself: Ok I'll put one serving in a plate (of whatever "binge" food) and eat it and enjoy it. Afterwards I think about how am I feeling, and usually that feeling of "wanting" a lot more is there. I then think: "Hey, you've eaten one serving, it tasted good, if you eat more it is not going to taste good, and if you binge you will feel ****ty" and then drink a glass of water and/or brush my teeth. Things are going well with this strategy. Give it a try Varioque. Good luck with the process, we are all gonna make it!
    I am not one for staying sensible around treats, not yet at least. Brushing your teeth is something I've heard from several different sources (forums) is an effective binge deterrent and appetite moderator. Maybe I haven't given it the try it requires. Also thanks, I also think we are all going to make it eventually.

    Another question (to the thread, not you in particular, ro98pt). Does anyone have any good rules to go by in terms of exercise moderation? As said I spend roughly 3h/week running and 2h/week lifting (lifting was formerly the primary activity but that shifted as I finally got really into running), but even at a deficit I am improving my lifts, soon at pre-lifting break levels again. I just worry that I am burning my body out (my therapist wants me to ignore my training for now and to focus on the eating and related emotions).
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    Originally Posted by Varioque View Post
    I am not one for staying sensible around treats, not yet at least. Brushing your teeth is something I've heard from several different sources (forums) is an effective binge deterrent and appetite moderator. Maybe I haven't given it the try it requires. Also thanks, I also think we are all going to make it eventually.

    Another question (to the thread, not you in particular, ro98pt). Does anyone have any good rules to go by in terms of exercise moderation? As said I spend roughly 3h/week running and 2h/week lifting (lifting was formerly the primary activity but that shifted as I finally got really into running), but even at a deficit I am improving my lifts, soon at pre-lifting break levels again. I just worry that I am burning my body out (my therapist wants me to ignore my training for now and to focus on the eating and related emotions).
    listen to your therapist.. that's what they're there for and why you pay them, right?.
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    Originally Posted by Varioque View Post
    I am not one for staying sensible around treats, not yet at least. Brushing your teeth is something I've heard from several different sources (forums) is an effective binge deterrent and appetite moderator. Maybe I haven't given it the try it requires. Also thanks, I also think we are all going to make it eventually.

    Another question (to the thread, not you in particular, ro98pt). Does anyone have any good rules to go by in terms of exercise moderation? As said I spend roughly 3h/week running and 2h/week lifting (lifting was formerly the primary activity but that shifted as I finally got really into running), but even at a deficit I am improving my lifts, soon at pre-lifting break levels again. I just worry that I am burning my body out (my therapist wants me to ignore my training for now and to focus on the eating and related emotions).
    If your therapist suggest that you should follow that. On the other hand, always do physical activities what you enjoy, never feel forced to go running etc etc. Speaking from personal experience now: If you trust your body, no matter how much it forces you to eat or sleep all day etc, the results will worth it. I do not regret what i have done so far, ye si have gained a respectable amount of weight, but i am in a really good place mentally and physically now.
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    I am really struggling with my extra weight with injuries and body image today.

    I know over the years that dieting just leads to binging and bulimic behavior, but now it's painful to exercise. I am trying to get back in my sport and I'm so slow, my knees hurt and I can feel the extra weight. I haven't been this size since right after pregnancy. I don't weigh myself but I know my clothes are tight and I'm in constant pain just carrying around the extra weight, and pre-diabetic. So a Dr. won't look at my history and tell me to lose weight so put less weight on my joints and thus no plantar fasciitis and knee and spine pain, and then I have to go through my ED history with him.

    This is what is so difficult about recovery: how to live life at a size you are uncomfortable with. We have a homework assignment to do balanced eating in DBT.

    I said "what does that mean?" Eat too little and don't eat too much. If I don't count, I overeat. So they said to eat mindfully and that is true as I'll go on here and grab snack foods and fill myself up vs. eating a healthy meal. A lot of that too is because I don't eat enough and then get super hungry and wake up at 2am starving.

    I keep telling myself that this is better than binging and being bulimic. Sigh.

    Where is this "excitement of being recoverED" that I saw in the ED hospital? These women returned to our group and told these wonderful stories about being able to feel feelings and go out to dinner and eat. Yes it's true that I am not nearly as food obsessed, but the extra weight just shows how much this disease shifts from anorexia to bulimia to compulsive overeating, and back to square one until the underlying issues are addressed.

    I returned to the same tennis club, have the same stressful job, same family stressors. They are right about changing people, places, etc. I didn't make the lifestyle change that those talked about: some went back to school to be nutritionists, some became nurses.

    They followed their dreams vs. just return to your old life and expect to change.
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    Originally Posted by deadliftbrah19 View Post
    I am really struggling with my extra weight with injuries and body image today.

    I know over the years that dieting just leads to binging and bulimic behavior, but now it's painful to exercise. I am trying to get back in my sport and I'm so slow, my knees hurt and I can feel the extra weight. I haven't been this size since right after pregnancy. I don't weigh myself but I know my clothes are tight and I'm in constant pain just carrying around the extra weight, and pre-diabetic. So a Dr. won't look at my history and tell me to lose weight so put less weight on my joints and thus no plantar fasciitis and knee and spine pain, and then I have to go through my ED history with him.

    This is what is so difficult about recovery: how to live life at a size you are uncomfortable with. We have a homework assignment to do balanced eating in DBT.

    I said "what does that mean?" Eat too little and don't eat too much. If I don't count, I overeat. So they said to eat mindfully and that is true as I'll go on here and grab snack foods and fill myself up vs. eating a healthy meal. A lot of that too is because I don't eat enough and then get super hungry and wake up at 2am starving.

    I keep telling myself that this is better than binging and being bulimic. Sigh.

    Where is this "excitement of being recoverED" that I saw in the ED hospital? These women returned to our group and told these wonderful stories about being able to feel feelings and go out to dinner and eat. Yes it's true that I am not nearly as food obsessed, but the extra weight just shows how much this disease shifts from anorexia to bulimia to compulsive overeating, and back to square one until the underlying issues are addressed.

    I returned to the same tennis club, have the same stressful job, same family stressors. They are right about changing people, places, etc. I didn't make the lifestyle change that those talked about: some went back to school to be nutritionists, some became nurses.

    They followed their dreams vs. just return to your old life and expect to change.
    hey, hon. i thought about everyone on this thread today and i'm so sad to see you feeling unwell. i'm in a rough place too--dad's got high cholesterol, mom's got prediabetes, so i have to watch what i eat while "trying" to gain weight. i've decided not to try.
    but i'm worried about you. i don't think that weight is "extra" weight. you're feeding yourself and trying to live your life and healing from injuries. weight on its own is so. . . so meaningless and temporary. it changes constantly, based on lifestyle, but also necessity, i think.
    another thing is that this IS better than binging or bulimia. anything is better than being trapped inside your disorder.
    i'll pray for you tonight.
    i'm trying to incorporate Discovery into my Recovery. following my dreams instead of looking up the perfect weight gain/weight loss/health diet. letting things fall into place. i don't think it's too late for you to do that. you deserve a life you want to live, free from restriction or binging or purging. you will find that life.
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    @finnystat I think this article sums it up:

    http://www.xojane.com/issues/eating-...ry-weight-gain

    The hardest part is dating as I do want to get close to someone intimately and not fear that I'm going to turn them off with my size. I also thought I would get in the normal category at my set point weight, and not be overweight nearing obese BMI.
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    Originally Posted by deadliftbrah19 View Post
    @finnystat I think this article sums it up:

    http://www.xojane.com/issues/eating-...ry-weight-gain

    The hardest part is dating as I do want to get close to someone intimately and not fear that I'm going to turn them off with my size. I also thought I would get in the normal category at my set point weight, and not be overweight nearing obese BMI.
    If someone really loves you, or accept you as a person, the least thing they are thinking about is your size. I am dating an awesome girl now, i am not a big guy, i do not appear dominant or anything, but she does not give a single **** about how i look. She taught me a lot about myself, cuz she has BPD, and she can feel the emotion what i supress. I do not know what caused your ED, but mine was triggered cuz i was treated like ****, and i have supressed my emotions. It does not mean, i do not have emtions at all no, i just supress it to protect myself from others. She told me it is okay to express everything i want to her, so i have did it and i FELT SO ****ING good, like i have talked out from myself years of torment.
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    Originally Posted by deadliftbrah19 View Post
    @finnystat I think this article sums it up:

    http://www.xojane.com/issues/eating-...ry-weight-gain

    The hardest part is dating as I do want to get close to someone intimately and not fear that I'm going to turn them off with my size. I also thought I would get in the normal category at my set point weight, and not be overweight nearing obese BMI.
    honestly i'm worried about this, too. but i'm choosing not to think about it. not at least until i get my period back or until im at a healthy weight.
    there are a lot of people, especially on this hellsite, that think "health at every size" is bull****. in some cases it can be, but in this case it just isn't. you exercise, you try to take care of yourself. i find myself snacking all day long too and i'm trying to not do that, but when we're hungry. . . we need to eat.

    you value your love life a lot, i see. that's wonderful. but i think
    1. shallow ****s are hard to avoid, and that's Never Ever Your Fault Ever
    2. you just have to value yourself, too. that's the hardest part.
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    @deadliftbrah and finny...

    Although I won't pretend to understand exactly what you fear or what your recovery is looking like, I want to toss in my own shared concern over 'returning to a larger size' or simply a general apprehension around what i'll be like or look like once the dust settles.

    I do believe much of this stems from knowing that, when I was younger in a larger, chubbier state (in my case BARELY overweight but very soft and non-athletic), i was actually eating 'normally' and yet the result was a very un-fit body. I wasn't in pain from lack of fitness, but I definitely didn't feel 'good' either... and I don't mean just body image, I mean physically I didn't feel agile, flexible, etc.

    In the period between when my ED started and now, the times during which I have physically been my strongest all involved tracking calories and nutrition, even if the goal was a very large surplus to gain muscle. It was also during those times where I felt my most 'fit', which is still 30-40lb heavier than I am now.

    I bring this up because, right now, I am trying to do this without tracking, and I harbor that same fear of what will happen if I do this in an uncontrolled way. Knowing where I was when I was a teen eating 'normally', not STUFFING myself but just doing what I felt like, I do wonder if I will end up in the same place.

    We'll see what happens... I wish I had an answer or very pointed, helpful advice, but for now I just want to offer my empathy as my body is rapidly changing, too.
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