Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[AdamWW]

I've done numerous thyroid tests and they've all came back within normal ranges. I've taken ZMA at night for a month and didn't see much improvement. I get 7-9 hours of sleep every night and I live a pretty stress-free life besides not being able to provide for my s/o . I was referred to an endocrinologist and she is wanting me to continue gaining weigh before proceeding further. Hoping I start seeing more improvement in the next 6 months!

I'm with you on just happy to be here. Just found out I'm eligible to receive my first dose of the Covid vaccine (Moderna) and should be scheduled to receive it in a week or two. I'm a pretty big introvert so Covid hasn't been to big of a deal for me, but man, sometimes I sure do miss a good sit down breakfast/lunch/dinner. It's just not the same eating it out of a cardboard box (can't even have Styrofoam anymore as its banned here lol).

Hah well I mean, does your s/o work? I know all relationships are different but, these days it seems pretty much commonplace for both people to work...

Hope the vaccine goes well. I’ve been weary of it because my mom got her second dose and felt horrible for an entire day... fever, headaches, brain fog... she felt better mostly the next day, but it sounds really unpleasant if you do have a bad reaction.

[Omni]

Hah well I mean, does your s/o work? I know all relationships are different but, these days it seems pretty much commonplace for both people to work...

Hope the vaccine goes well. I’ve been weary of it because my mom got her second dose and felt horrible for an entire day... fever, headaches, brain fog... she felt better mostly the next day, but it sounds really unpleasant if you do have a bad reaction.

My bad, I meant providing for her in the aspect of love/sex/relationship stuff. It's hard to show someone attention when you're not wired right to want and crave it. We are actually both self employed and run a couple of businesses so we are together 24/7 it seems lol. It's not as bad as it seems other than the lack of attention/special time shenanigans.

I too am prepared for the bad reactions after the second dose. Personally to me, I believe the benefits outweigh the 1-2 days of body aches, fever, chills etc. that your mom also went through compared to possible long term lung/heart damage and possibly even death. Either way, I'm pretty open and support everyone's decision when it comes to injecting something in to their body.

[Strawng]

Hah well I mean, does your s/o work? I know all relationships are different but, these days it seems pretty much commonplace for both people to work...

Hope the vaccine goes well. I’ve been weary of it because my mom got her second dose and felt horrible for an entire day... fever, headaches, brain fog... she felt better mostly the next day, but it sounds really unpleasant if you do have a bad reaction.

I'm so grateful my gf works. I've had several periods of unemployment and we'd both be neck-deep in debt if not for her steady income throughout the pandemic (she's a nurse).

Also yea like Adam said, be prepared to cancel any plans the day of your vaccine. I got my first Moderna shot on Monday & it really wiped me the fuk out. I had horrible body aches/fatigue and struggled just to do things like get up and walk to get a glass of water or go to the bathroom in my tiny studio apartment. It felt like the worst hangover of my life. I got it around 3 pm & couldn't function within about 4 hours, but I did feel 100% better by the following afternoon. Supposedly, the second dose is typically way worse, so I'm certainly not looking forward to that. My gf got her second dose on Tuesday and was extremely sick with a fever, chills, nausea, and body aches for the next few days. Her reaction to the first dose was the same as mine. Idk how old you are, but young people tend to have far more negative reactions because we have stronger immune systems. Me & my gf are relatively young to be getting the vaccine (we're both 26 going on 27), so I think that explains why we seem to have had strong reactions to even the first dose. Be forewarned, if you're in your 20s, you might be in for a rough time.

Also, sounds like you both are doing quite well! Keep up the good work @Adam & @Omni! I'm doing pretty well myself. I lost some weight during covid time but I'm going hard into a bulk. I don't really track or even weigh myself up, but I'm feeling way fuller and stronger after upping my calories and pairing down my walking a bit

[Strawng]

My bad, I meant providing for her in the aspect of love/sex/relationship stuff. It's hard to show someone attention when you're not wired right to want and crave it. We are actually both self employed and run a couple of businesses so we are together 24/7 it seems lol. It's not as bad as it seems other than the lack of attention/special time shenanigans.

I've been there, bruh. My libido was the LAST thing to recover. It didn't even have to do with low Test, but actually low estrogen and a disconnection from my body after so much starving. Once it came back though, it came back FULL FORCE! My gf used to want sex more than me, & now she could never possibly keep up. I've heard so many guys tell me the same thing. Their libido was slow to return but it basically went from 0 to 100. Just accept it for now. It'll come back, bro...possibly with a vengeance

[Omni]

I've been there, bruh. My libido was the LAST thing to recover. It didn't even have to do with low Test, but actually low estrogen and a disconnection from my body after so much starving. Once it came back though, it came back FULL FORCE! My gf used to want sex more than me, & now she could never possibly keep up. I've heard so many guys tell me the same thing. Their libido was slow to return but it basically went from 0 to 100. Just accept it for now. It'll come back, bro...possibly with a vengeance

haha right on bro that's good to hear! Hopefully the last couple years of build up unleashes it self and is ready to wreak havoc once again

[Omni]

I'm so grateful my gf works. I've had several periods of unemployment and we'd both be neck-deep in debt if not for her steady income throughout the pandemic (she's a nurse).

Also yea like Adam said, be prepared to cancel any plans the day of your vaccine. I got my first Moderna shot on Monday & it really wiped me the fuk out. I had horrible body aches/fatigue and struggled just to do things like get up and walk to get a glass of water or go to the bathroom in my tiny studio apartment. It felt like the worst hangover of my life. I got it around 3 pm & couldn't function within about 4 hours, but I did feel 100% better by the following afternoon. Supposedly, the second dose is typically way worse, so I'm certainly not looking forward to that. My gf got her second dose on Tuesday and was extremely sick with a fever, chills, nausea, and body aches for the next few days. Her reaction to the first dose was the same as mine. Idk how old you are, but young people tend to have far more negative reactions because we have stronger immune systems. Me & my gf are relatively young to be getting the vaccine (we're both 26 going on 27), so I think that explains why we seem to have had strong reactions to even the first dose. Be forewarned, if you're in your 20s, you might be in for a rough time.

Also, sounds like you both are doing quite well! Keep up the good work @Adam & @Omni! I'm doing pretty well myself. I lost some weight during covid time but I'm going hard into a bulk. I don't really track or even weigh myself up, but I'm feeling way fuller and stronger after upping my calories and pairing down my walking a bit

Luckily Covid has been extremely lucrative for both of us. Yeah I'm almost 31 so not young but not quite old yet... Hopefully your second dose isn't too terrible but from what I've read, everyone responds differently to it. I am a little worried due to still being slightly anemic and having low WBC and RBC. Not sure if this is plays a huge roll in the vaccine process, I should probably consult my doctor prior to getting it.

[Strawng]

Luckily Covid has been extremely lucrative for both of us. Yeah I'm almost 31 so not young but not quite old yet... Hopefully your second dose isn't too terrible but from what I've read, everyone responds differently to it. I am a little worried due to still being slightly anemic and having low WBC and RBC. Not sure if this is plays a huge roll in the vaccine process, I should probably consult my doctor prior to getting it.

Yes haha covid actually did end up benefitting a certain lucky few at least financially!

Definitely let your doc know. The people who gave me mine were very srs about making sure my doctor had my latest bloodwork and endorsed my getting the vaccine due to my younger age. I don't think those markers will be a huge detriment because, if anything, a lower WBC level might be better because your immune system won't attack your body as hard. That being said, they're quite worried about how immunocompromised patients will respond to a full dose, so definitely better to check with your doctor. Also, as I've told Adam, low RBC and WBC #'s are hallmarks of EDs. These were some of my last bloodmarkers to recover after my restriction & continued for some time even after I reached a healthy weight.

[AdamWW]

Luckily Covid has been extremely lucrative for both of us. Yeah I'm almost 31 so not young but not quite old yet... Hopefully your second dose isn't too terrible but from what I've read, everyone responds differently to it. I am a little worried due to still being slightly anemic and having low WBC and RBC. Not sure if this is plays a huge roll in the vaccine process, I should probably consult my doctor prior to getting it.

Dude, my blood work got SO messed from my ED and is still recovering.

It completely destroyed my test, thyroid (low T3 and very high anti-bodies), WBC, RBC, platelets (though they were always low)....

So far, my test has recovered (it went from 83 while i was emaciated to now a normal 550-600 as of 2 weeks ago), and my thyroid hormones are back to normal though I still have high antibodies... so hopefully that changes.

But, my WBC and RBC are still low... mainly the WBC.

That being said, right now, one of the biggest changes is just being accepting of weight gain. Right now, my body seems to have finally 'decided' to gain weight.

For a while, I was eating copious amounts, and (I think) due to all the underlying organ, bone, and tissue repairs it had to make, my weight didn't budge much.

However, in the past 3-4 weeks, it's been climbing VERY fast... like... 2 pounds a week on average fast.

I look softer, more watery, but man do I feel stronger now.... it's night and day difference. My libido, though not 100% back, is noticeably improving.

Getting used to being a more healthy BF level has been a journey, but I'm finally starting to embrace and look forward to gaining on the scale, and accepting that it's just better for my body to be between 12 and 17% BF as opposed to 5-8%.

I almost wish I could post my worst-of-the-worst pictures here without triggering people... because I think you'd be shocked how close to death I was.

[Strawng]

Dude, my blood work got SO messed from my ED and is still recovering.

It completely destroyed my test, thyroid (low T3 and very high anti-bodies), WBC, RBC, platelets (though they were always low)....

So far, my test has recovered (it went from 83 while i was emaciated to now a normal 550-600 as of 2 weeks ago), and my thyroid hormones are back to normal though I still have high antibodies... so hopefully that changes.

But, my WBC and RBC are still low... mainly the WBC.

That being said, right now, one of the biggest changes is just being accepting of weight gain. Right now, my body seems to have finally 'decided' to gain weight.

For a while, I was eating copious amounts, and (I think) due to all the underlying organ, bone, and tissue repairs it had to make, my weight didn't budge much.

However, in the past 3-4 weeks, it's been climbing VERY fast... like... 2 pounds a week on average fast.

I look softer, more watery, but man do I feel stronger now.... it's night and day difference. My libido, though not 100% back, is noticeably improving.

Getting used to being a more healthy BF level has been a journey, but I'm finally starting to embrace and look forward to gaining on the scale, and accepting that it's just better for my body to be between 12 and 17% BF as opposed to 5-8%.

I almost wish I could post my worst-of-the-worst pictures here without triggering people... because I think you'd be shocked how close to death I was.

Like I said, my libido & WBC were the last things to recover. Also, no one is meant to be in the single digits of BF% for an extended period of time. This includes people on drugs or Vitamin T. Bodybuilders who get super lean like that have horrible health effects, & they’re only there for an extremely brief period of time. My heart almost gave out at 4-5% & I was hospitalized. A true 5% is death’s door, & the longer you’re there, the more long-term damage you do. 12-17% is where the vast majority of men should be for ideal health. Maybe some extreme outliers can be totally good at 10 & others need to be as high as 19-20, but really no more or less, and these would be far ends of the spectrum.

[AdamWW]

Like I said, my libido & WBC were the last things to recover. Also, no one is meant to be in the single digits of BF% for an extended period of time. This includes people on drugs or Vitamin T. Bodybuilders who get super lean like that have horrible health effects, & they’re only there for an extremely brief period of time. My heart almost gave out at 4-5% & I was hospitalized. A true 5% is death’s door, & the longer you’re there, the more long-term damage you do. 12-17% is where the vast majority of men should be for ideal health. Maybe some extreme outliers can be totally good at 10 & others need to be as high as 19-20, but really no more or less and these would be far ends if the spectrum.

Yup, 100%

I remember when I was down that low, I could literally feel my bones ache... when I got cold, it wasn’t just a normal chill most people feel on their skin... it’s like my organs, heart, lungs, everything just felt like shutting down...

I recall once waking up, taking my pulse, and it was 34bpm...

I still have a low HR and blood pressure naturally, but nothing like back then.

I already know I’ve permanently messed up my digestion from the years of ED, but at least the vital functions are improving.

It’s funny... I’m not sure if this is a function of simply growing more mature mentally, but I’ve started to enter this state of body neutrality when it comes to appearance. After looking back at those photos, I realized that clinging to that state was simply a means to maintain that control. I felt so safe knowing that I had such a firm ability to manipulate my physical appearance... there’s such an odd high that came from it.

But in looking at them now... I just feel sick. I’m not sure what changed, but I think perhaps it’s just time and patience letting myself sit at a higher BF and weight, even if I’m still quite light and lean, that did it.

[letsallmakeit]

Hello everyone!

So I started the gym last week and I have a few questions,

I have been eating more and feel more bloated and fullness, is this normal?

Should I feed myself even when not hungry and or feeling full?

I weighted 157.5 and I'm 6' tall. is this weight normal for someone who doesn't workout and for someone who does?

[DustinTheHuss]

Hello everyone!

So I started the gym last week and I have a few questions,

I have been eating more and feel more bloated and fullness, is this normal?

Should I feed myself even when not hungry and or feeling full?

I weighted 157.5 and I'm 6' tall. is this weight normal for someone who doesn't workout and for someone who does?

Hi, do you have an eating disorder?

[letsallmakeit]

Hi, do you have an eating disorder?

hello. yes I do feel stressed when I see my weight going up. like I started eating more and now I gained weight and I feel stressed wanting to go back.

[AdamWW]

hello. yes I do feel stressed when I see my weight going up. like I started eating more and now I gained weight and I feel stressed wanting to go back.

Then you need to stop weighing yourself.

Stop body-checking, weighing, all of it... it's not helping you .

Stop worrying about what is 'normal'. How do you FEEL? Do you FEEL energized? Sleeping well? Strong?

Then it's normal... and being even heavier could be normal, too. Stop comparing yourself... it will get you nowhere.

[letsallmakeit]

Then you need to stop weighing yourself.

Stop body-checking, weighing, all of it... it's not helping you .

Stop worrying about what is 'normal'. How do you FEEL? Do you FEEL energized? Sleeping well? Strong?

Then it's normal... and being even heavier could be normal, too. Stop comparing yourself... it will get you nowhere.

I feel a bit mentally drainned, but probably from worrying to much about this and other stuff. Sometimes, like yesterday I was feeling tired as well, but I went to the gym and after the gym I got extremely tired. My sleep has been okey.

Do you avoid looking at the mirror as well?

I have this thoughts that if I want to eat more I need to do some exercise activity. I decided to NOT go for a walk because it's mostly to burn some calories as for now.

I also started to get the feeling of more fullness and try to still eat when feeling full, which can make me bloated.

I'm trying to enjoy food again.

Yes I visited doctors. Both told me, if i'm correct to not let my mind trick me and enjoy food.

[AdamWW]

I feel a bit mentally drainned, but probably from worrying to much about this and other stuff. Sometimes, like yesterday I was feeling tired as well, but I went to the gym and after the gym I got extremely tired. My sleep has been okey.

Do you avoid looking at the mirror as well?

I have this thoughts that if I want to eat more I need to do some exercise activity. I decided to NOT go for a walk because it's mostly to burn some calories as for now.

I also started to get the feeling of more fullness and try to still eat when feeling full, which can make me bloated.

I'm trying to enjoy food again.

Yes I visited doctors. Both told me, if i'm correct to not let my mind trick me and enjoy food.

I don't consciously avoid it, no. Sometimes I look, sometimes I don't... but I don't really have any emotional attachment or reaction to my reflection or my weight anymore. So as a result, I don't need to 'try' to not look or weigh myself. I weigh in sometimes to make sure I'm gaining, but it doesn't really matter what the number is to me as long as it's getting higher and I feel good, etc.

I associate my weight gain with better health, longevity, and performance. If it went down, I'd be disappointed.

I mean hell, I see WAY more rolls on my stomach when I sit down now, and even if I can't see them I can feel them... but I seriously don't care at all. It means nothing to me anymore.

[letsallmakeit]

I don't consciously avoid it, no. Sometimes I look, sometimes I don't... but I don't really have any emotional attachment or reaction to my reflection or my weight anymore. So as a result, I don't need to 'try' to not look or weigh myself. I weigh in sometimes to make sure I'm gaining, but it doesn't really matter what the number is to me as long as it's getting higher and I feel good, etc.

I associate my weight gain with better health, longevity, and performance. If it went down, I'd be disappointed.

I mean hell, I see WAY more rolls on my stomach when I sit down now, and even if I can't see them I can feel them... but I seriously don't care at all. It means nothing to me anymore.

Huge success for you my friend. I want to get to the point were I just don't really care and can enjoy food, smile and feel full of energy instead of worrying about if I got a bit of stomach fat or can't see abs. I know this is not an easy road to success, but I know I will manage this as time passess and care less until I just enjoy food once again without caring.

I do have 3 questions, do you suggest avoiding looking at the mirror as much as possible during these times?

Even when I don't feel hungry and a LOT of hours have passed by, should I be eating?

I rarely count calories atm.

What do you think of the wanting to walk, but mostly because of burning calories to eat more? im guessing thats a no, but walking should be healthy. Should I stop walking when thoughts of burning calories comes to mind?

[AdamWW]

1) do you suggest avoiding looking at the mirror as much as possible during these times?

2) Even when I don't feel hungry and a LOT of hours have passed by, should I be eating?

I rarely count calories atm.

3) What do you think of the wanting to walk, but mostly because of burning calories to eat more? im guessing thats a no, but walking should be healthy. Should I stop walking when thoughts of burning calories comes to mind?

1) Yes, if you have a negative emotional reaction to your appearance or your weight which makes it harder to recover, then of course you need to stop doing it. Eventually, the goal is to stop caring about it, but if it's literally making you sad, depressed, wanting to restrict, then yes you need to stop.

2) This is where being honest with yourself comes in: are you sure you're actually not hungry? The issue I see here is that most people, those who DONT have issues with ED, don't have this question: they eat intuitively and never think "hmm.... should I eat"? The fact that you're even wondering if you SHOULD eat signals to me that you're probably much more hungry than you think you are. And this applies to both what you think of as 'mental hunger' or 'cravings' as well as deeper, more literal 'physical hunger'... it's all just hunger.

If YOU observe it's been a long time since you've eaten, and you're asking that question... then eat something. Nobody THINKS about food without wanting it on some level. And frankly, whats the worst that can happen if you just eat something anyway?

3) You shouldn't do anything as a compensatory action. During recovery and especially during active ED, it's difficult to separate 'enjoyable' movement from movement done to purge calories.

For that reason, it's recommended to keep movement to a minimum UNLESS it's a byproduct of other non-calorie burning actions. For example, if you go out with friends and it happens to involve walking around town... go ahead. But don't go taking the stairs when everyone else takes the elevator because you're trying to burn off calories.

[stevowrock]

Hello guys! I keep making the mistake of weighting myself. its just that its hard. yesterday i weighted myself and was 158 and after eating a lot I weighted today and im at 160!

Now I have these thoughts of eating less today.

thoughts?

[AdamWW]

Hello guys! I keep making the mistake of weighting myself. its just that its hard. yesterday i weighted myself and was 158 and after eating a lot I weighted today and im at 160!

Now I have these thoughts of eating less today.

thoughts?

thoughts? throw away your scale because it triggers you.

eat what you want, a enjoy every minute of it.

[stevowrock]

thoughts? throw away your scale because it triggers you.

eat what you want, a enjoy every minute of it.

what do you do with thoughts about getting fat if you eat more, etc?

[AdamWW]

what do you do with thoughts about getting fat if you eat more, etc?

To be honest there came a point where I just had to accept feeling uncomfortable. I didn’t look in the mirror, I didn’t weigh myself, I didn’t body check or try to grab my stomach and assess how much fat I had...

There’s no trick to it... you have to make a decision to change and rip the bandaid off.

But that anxiety doesn’t last forever.

What happened for me was that, once I actually gained some fat, I realize nothing happened... nobody noticed, nobody treated me different... nothing in my life changed at all except I felt warmer, had better sleep, more libido... everything actually got better as I started putting on weight.

Eventually I just stopped caring, but it started with a leap of faith that eventually I would survive it and be fine. And not only did I survive, but I came out WAY better in every way and now I could not care less about gaining weight.

[stevowrock]

To be honest there came a point where I just had to accept feeling uncomfortable. I didn’t look in the mirror, I didn’t weigh myself, I didn’t body check or try to grab my stomach and assess how much fat I had...

There’s no trick to it... you have to make a decision to change and rip the bandaid off.

But that anxiety doesn’t last forever.

What happened for me was that, once I actually gained some fat, I realize nothing happened... nobody noticed, nobody treated me different... nothing in my life changed at all except I felt warmer, had better sleep, more libido... everything actually got better as I started putting on weight.

Eventually I just stopped caring, but it started with a leap of faith that eventually I would survive it and be fine. And not only did I survive, but I came out WAY better in every way and now I could not care less about gaining weight.

Huge thanks for replying. like I have been feeling fat and not gaining too much muscle and im wondering if im doing something wrong. I feel bloated and mostly feel like if im gaining fat its around my stomach.

thanks for this! im going to try and not look at the mirror for my stomach

[AdamWW]

Huge thanks for replying. like I have been feeling fat and not gaining too much muscle and im wondering if im doing something wrong. I feel bloated and mostly feel like if im gaining fat its around my stomach.

thanks for this! im going to try and not look at the mirror for my stomach

If you've been malnourished, you'll gain more water and fat around your midsection especially in the early stages, it's to be expected.

But again, you're focusing on the wrong things: this is about your long term health, not about your abs.

It's better to go through the process now than go on for your entire life feeling miserable.

[stevowrock]

If you've been malnourished, you'll gain more water and fat around your midsection especially in the early stages, it's to be expected.

But again, you're focusing on the wrong things: this is about your long term health, not about your abs.

It's better to go through the process now than go on for your entire life feeling miserable.

so true. thanks a lot man for the info man!

[DustinTheHuss]

If you've been malnourished, you'll gain more water and fat around your midsection especially in the early stages, it's to be expected.

But again, you're focusing on the wrong things: this is about your long term health, not about your abs.

It's better to go through the process now than go on for your entire life feeling miserable.

I can agree with this. I've gone through refeeding several times and even there is bloat from the extra food in your belly. It's really tough but a lot of water and food bloat is temporary. It just triggers a lot of people to restrict again, so you have to do what Adam said about stop body checking, looking, weighing, measuring, etc.

[stevowrock]

also guys, if im trying to bulk up and try not to count calories, should I go by appetite? the thing is, yesterday I felt I overate because I felt way too full and still feel full. I’m not sure if I should eat even when feeling full.

I went and weighted myself this morning and weighted less, but yesterday I was feeling full and bloated, I think I still feel bloated even thought I lost weight.

if I lost weight it means I ate less than what my body needs?

[AdamWW]

also guys, if im trying to bulk up and try not to count calories, should I go by appetite? the thing is, yesterday I felt I overate because I felt way too full and still feel full. I’m not sure if I should eat even when feeling full.

I went and weighted myself this morning and weighted less, but yesterday I was feeling full and bloated, I think I still feel bloated even thought I lost weight.

if I lost weight it means I ate less than what my body needs?

Why are you STILL weighing yourself after we've suggested you stop?

You're not following the advice...

Regarding appetite: it depends.

If you were being HONEST with yourself, you know intuitively what is a 'lot' of food and what is 'not enough' food. It's very easy to make sure you're eating enough... the issue is you're holding back because you're afraid your true cravings will make you gain fat.

Think about it: even if you don't know the exact calories, you KNOW you'd recover your weight if you started eating as much peanut butter, cereal, burritos, pizza, or cookies as you desire.

More than likely, you're bloated because you're eating the wrong stuff. If you're trying to fill up on vegetables or raw fruits, high volume/low calorie foods, then yeah... your appetite will be off.

But again it comes down to honesty. If you were REALLY consuming everything you wanted, it wouldn't even be an issue.

[stevowrock]

Why are you STILL weighing yourself after we've suggested you stop?

You're not following the advice...

Regarding appetite: it depends.

If you were being HONEST with yourself, you know intuitively what is a 'lot' of food and what is 'not enough' food. It's very easy to make sure you're eating enough... the issue is you're holding back because you're afraid your true cravings will make you gain fat.

Think about it: even if you don't know the exact calories, you KNOW you'd recover your weight if you started eating as much peanut butter, cereal, burritos, pizza, or cookies as you desire.

More than likely, you're bloated because you're eating the wrong stuff. If you're trying to fill up on vegetables or raw fruits, high volume/low calorie foods, then yeah... your appetite will be off.

But again it comes down to honesty. If you were REALLY consuming everything you wanted, it wouldn't even be an issue.

thanks a lot for replying! in all honesty, I ate while feeling full and also ate because I wanted to keep bulking, but at the end I felt so bad and I wanted to weight myself the next day, which is today and I weighted less which is weird.

[AdamWW]

thanks a lot for replying! in all honesty, I ate while feeling full and also ate because I wanted to keep bulking, but at the end I felt so bad and I wanted to weight myself the next day, which is today and I weighted less which is weird.

I think you know what needs to be done.

In recovery or prior to fully committing to real recovery we do things as a bargaining act:

"Oh i'll eat a little more but it'll be mostly healthy stuff cuz you know, I wanna be healthy"

"Oh I'll eat a little more but of course I can still handle exercise etc because I wanna gain only muscle and no fat"

"Oh I'll eat more but I'll just make sure every meal is balanced etc and make sure I still get lots and lots of vegetables and fruit"


These are all methods (whether consciously set or subconsciously) to allow your ED to still be attached to you.

You're basically living with one foot in the ED pool and the other in the Recovery pool.... it's not going to work if you keep plating table tennis with the issues.