Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[AdamWW]

Thank you for the re-assurance. I was just getting worried, but it’s totally normal. Thanks Adam, u have helped me a lot. Appreciate it

Anytime dude.

trust me I know how scary this is. gaining weight, seeing definition go away, it feels like losing someone you love, or a prized possession...

This goes away when the lifestyle changes and your body heals.

[Omni]

@Andrew

To add more substance to my last comment, I want you to think about it this way: what does knowing your weight actually mean?

As someone who has restricted their intake to perpetuate a long-term energy deficit, you have zero knowledge about what internally needs to be 'fixed' in order to rebuild your health.

For all we know, all the weight you gain during recovery is water, internal tissues (brain, heart, bones), hormonal function, increased food-volume in your gut (a HUGE factor).... but the ED's tendency is to immediately attribute all weight gain to fat.

Everyone needs to gain fat in recovery, EVERYone. However, to assume your process is 'too fast' is completely counter-intuitive, because again the ultimate goal is to heal yourself. What else would you do, KEEP restricting? NOT honoring your hunger? If you do that, then you're behaving like an anorexic....

All the people I have ever known who actually got through recovery have said they wish they just gave in and accepted their body and their cravings sooner. Most of them did, eventually, but only after this mental suffering and questioning you're experiencing know. Not once have I come across a recovered anorexic who experienced extreme hunger and feast-eating who said, "yeah I wish I restricted and held back, and didn't accept my hunger cues".

These feelings of insatiable hunger do NOT last forever, why would they? Your body wants to seek homeostasis... it's not here to work against you, trick you into "becoming obese", or cause you harm in any way. It only wants to live and thrive.

It's pointless to question 'how long will this last?', 'when will the hunger go down?', because nobody has that answer. A week? A month? A Year? More? Those questions are coming 100% from the voice in your head that wants to be reassured that you have control, and that you're safe from being something you fear.

Focus on how you FEEL now, how your sleep is, how your mental health is.... not a scale number, not calories... and definitely not how you'll look physically coming out the other side.

Wow man this was extremely well wrote - good work. I am currently relating to a lot of this right now as well. You need to write a book, you're VERY good at explanations and reassurance.

Speaking of, my copy of Rehabilitate, Rewire and Recover will be here next week. I'm very excited to get started on it.

[AdamWW]

Wow man this was extremely well wrote - good work. I am currently relating to a lot of this right now as well. You need to write a book, you're VERY good at explanations and reassurance.

Speaking of, my copy of Rehabilitate, Rewire and Recover will be here next week. I'm very excited to get started on it.

Awesome! I think you'll be shocked when you read it how many of your symptoms/thoughts are shared by others.

Some of the book takes you into a 'toolkit' of sorts. I skipped over that toolkit stuff until I finished the actual reading content, but the toolkit stuff is helpful if you want exercises you can use in the real world.

[Andrew578]

@Andrew

To add more substance to my last comment, I want you to think about it this way: what does knowing your weight actually mean?

As someone who has restricted their intake to perpetuate a long-term energy deficit, you have zero knowledge about what internally needs to be 'fixed' in order to rebuild your health.

For all we know, all the weight you gain during recovery is water, internal tissues (brain, heart, bones), hormonal function, increased food-volume in your gut (a HUGE factor).... but the ED's tendency is to immediately attribute all weight gain to fat.

Everyone needs to gain fat in recovery, EVERYone. However, to assume your process is 'too fast' is completely counter-intuitive, because again the ultimate goal is to heal yourself. What else would you do, KEEP restricting? NOT honoring your hunger? If you do that, then you're behaving like an anorexic....

All the people I have ever known who actually got through recovery have said they wish they just gave in and accepted their body and their cravings sooner. Most of them did, eventually, but only after this mental suffering and questioning you're experiencing know. Not once have I come across a recovered anorexic who experienced extreme hunger and feast-eating who said, "yeah I wish I restricted and held back, and didn't accept my hunger cues".

These feelings of insatiable hunger do NOT last forever, why would they? Your body wants to seek homeostasis... it's not here to work against you, trick you into "becoming obese", or cause you harm in any way. It only wants to live and thrive.

It's pointless to question 'how long will this last?', 'when will the hunger go down?', because nobody has that answer. A week? A month? A Year? More? Those questions are coming 100% from the voice in your head that wants to be reassured that you have control, and that you're safe from being something you fear.

Focus on how you FEEL now, how your sleep is, how your mental health is.... not a scale number, not calories... and definitely not how you'll look physically coming out the other side.

Thank you so much Adam, I am going to come out the other side stronger mentally. Thank you again. You have honestly made this journey a lot easier for me. After all these years I am actually giving in and giving what my body needs and I honestly feel so much happier, stronger and healthier already.

[AdamWW]

Thank you so much Adam, I am going to come out the other side stronger mentally. Thank you again. You have honestly made this journey a lot easier for me. After all these years I am actually giving in and giving what my body needs and I honestly feel so much happier, stronger and healthier already.

Really glad to hear that

[Andrew578]

Hey guys, me again I am just having more negative thoughts as the days go. I continue to eat the fridge and pantry clean. I think my hunger thoughts are slowing down a little. My stomach is reeking havoc on me. I am going to the toilet around 3-4 times a day (before used to be just once) and I continuously feeling sick, bloated and lethargic. All i want to do is lay down, i don't feel like training either which is something I have never experienced before. the eating disorder inside me is scared since I have already put on 2kg in about 2 weeks. I need to keep pushing through this tho. I don't know when this is going to end but I am getting a little scared that I am going to go back to my old (overweight) self. I look much bigger already and it is scary. Sorry for this message but I just need to speak about my emotions on this journey as I never really speak to my family about this. Thanks guys for the continuous support and especially Adam. I appreciate it.

Also exams coming up in school, so that's just adding to the stress and worrying.

[AdamWW]

@Andrew

As a ‘FFB’ myself (former fat boy), I know this struggle all too well. Many people with EDs have never truly been overweight or chubby, so while they carry a fear of weight gain, they don’t have the history with knowing what it actually feels like to carry the extra fat. For us, our leanness is like the prize / medal we wear and show to the world. Thus, the idea of losing any fraction of that feels like giving away all our hard work. Not only that, we often fear others passing judgement on us for changing at all.

My internal fears always come as worrisome thoughts around what people might think about my weight gain.

“will they think I’ve gotten lazy?”
“Will they think I’ve lost control?”
“Will they no longer envy me for being one of the ‘fit’ ones?”

I even carry this idea that, if only everyone could know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, THEN I wouldn’t be so scared, as if them being informed of my reasons would give me a pass from them casting judgements. After all, if they knew I was doing this on purpose, surely they wouldn’t judge me, right?

Well, sadly it can’t always be that easy. These fears are the disordered thoughts trying to pull your independence from you. YOU have the power to make your own life, free from judgement. Plus, no one will judge you in this way... no one. I know it’s hard to believe in the moment, but if anyone knew why you’re doing this, they’d say ‘GO FOR IT!’.

And dude, 2kg is a drop in the bucket... seriously. There are people who gain 20-40lb in the first month of refeeding.. I’m not even kidding!

You’re doing great man. Even if you’re dealing with pain, trust me I’m right there with you. Hell, I’ve been sweating during the night, dealing with constant bloating, etc, because my body is not used to eating the kinds of things I’m throwing at it. It may sound ironic, but in recoverY, it often gets worse before it gets better.

[Andrew578]

@Andrew

As a ‘FFB’ myself (former fat boy), I know this struggle all too well. Many people with EDs have never truly been overweight or chubby, so while they carry a fear of weight gain, they don’t have the history with knowing what it actually feels like to carry the extra fat. For us, our leanness is like the prize / medal we wear and show to the world. Thus, the idea of losing any fraction of that feels like giving away all our hard work. Not only that, we often fear others passing judgement on us for changing at all.

My internal fears always come as worrisome thoughts around what people might think about my weight gain.

“will they think I’ve gotten lazy?”
“Will they think I’ve lost control?”
“Will they no longer envy me for being one of the ‘fit’ ones?”

I even carry this idea that, if only everyone could know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, THEN I wouldn’t be so scared, as if them being informed of my reasons would give me a pass from them casting judgements. After all, if they knew I was doing this on purpose, surely they wouldn’t judge me, right?

Well, sadly it can’t always be that easy. These fears are the disordered thoughts trying to pull your independence from you. YOU have the power to make your own life, free from judgement. Plus, no one will judge you in this way... no one. I know it’s hard to believe in the moment, but if anyone knew why you’re doing this, they’d say ‘GO FOR IT!’.

And dude, 2kg is a drop in the bucket... seriously. There are people who gain 20-40lb in the first month of refeeding.. I’m not even kidding!

You’re doing great man. Even if you’re dealing with pain, trust me I’m right there with you. Hell, I’ve been sweating during the night, dealing with constant bloating, etc, because my body is not used to eating the kinds of things I’m throwing at it. It may sound ironic, but in recoverY, it often gets worse before it gets better.

Thank you so much, I honestly appreciate it a lot. If it wasn’t for you Adam I think I would have gone back to my old habits. I need to just keep pushing forward and yes I do have some negative thoughts but I am trying my best to block them out. It felt good sending that message before and just letting people know of my emotions, it really helped. I honestly cannot thank you enough Adam, and thanks for the continuous support, means a lot!

[AdamWW]

Thank you so much, I honestly appreciate it a lot. If it wasn’t for you Adam I think I would have gone back to my old habits. I need to just keep pushing forward and yes I do have some negative thoughts but I am trying my best to block them out. It felt good sending that message before and just letting people know of my emotions, it really helped. I honestly cannot thank you enough Adam, and thanks for the continuous support, means a lot!

Anytime dude.

Just to offer some unsolicited advice as well... don't feel like you're ever 'doing it wrong' or that your approach/experience isn't valid because it looks different from other people's. No one's process to get back to a healthy weight/mindset/life is going to be the exact same.

Some people can gain HUGE amounts in a week, then lose their appetite for a week, then get hit again with a wave of massive hunger, and so on and so on. It's not a linear process by any means, both physically and mentally. I say this from experience dealing with days where I honestly consumed entire jars of PB, trays of cookie, and even wake up in the middle of the night with strange cravings then to find myself in the kitchen snacking at 3am because I couldn't sleep due to thoughts of food.

It can get real ugly... believe me, I know!

And, at the same time, just know you never, ever have to MAKE yourself eat unless you clearly see that you're restricting for some reason or that you're obviously underfeeding.

Again, some people have extreme, insatiable hunger daily for weeks, months, etc...

Others have it for a day, then nothing for a week, then huge spikes in hunger for a month, then nothing for a month... again, it varies wildly.

As long as your response to your body is inline with what it's feedback is saying, you're doing everything you can.

Lastly, and I know this is a tough idea to accept, but there are ways to (at least intermittently) make light of the situation even though it's a serious one and you need to restore your health.

For example, I've started taking a very humorous mindset around my eating. Because lets be honest, it's moderately funny that I can eat 6+ cups of food in volume and feel like I ate almost nothing. I mean, come on... that's pretty freakin hilarious. Most people can have one chipotle burrito and be 100% full. Me, I could eat 2 burritos, some cookies, chips and guac, whatever, and basically be the same level of satiety. That's pretty damn silly... I'm basically a bottomless pit sometimes.

Again I know the after-effects/weight gain that results are challenging, but try to add some 'fun/humor' anytime you can. When I wake up in the middle of the night starving, I think to myself, "lol... wtf.... who does this? Well, guess im gunna go eat some cereal now... like a weirdo". Then I just smile, think about how funny it is to be starving for cereal, and go back to bed.

Not to get super philosophical, but to take a kind of Buddhist/zen tone on this... we're all just a bunch of conscious beings floating around on a rock in a vast and (largely) unknown universe... our lives are drops in the bucket of time... we're tiny by almost all measures in the context of everything in existence... and not only that, but we don't even live forever. So, really, does gaining weight reeeaaaally matter? Does being lean reeeaaaally matter? Naw... it doesn't... and I bet if you found out you only had, say, 1 month to live, you'd feel free as a bird to eat whatever you wanted because you knew your time was running out. Well, why not start now then? After all, eventually, there will come a day where that 1-month-left is a reality, and you don't wanna miss out on all these experiences just because you don't like losing your abs.

Cheers dude!

[Andrew578]

Anytime dude.

Just to offer some unsolicited advice as well... don't feel like you're ever 'doing it wrong' or that your approach/experience isn't valid because it looks different from other people's. No one's process to get back to a healthy weight/mindset/life is going to be the exact same.

Some people can gain HUGE amounts in a week, then lose their appetite for a week, then get hit again with a wave of massive hunger, and so on and so on. It's not a linear process by any means, both physically and mentally. I say this from experience dealing with days where I honestly consumed entire jars of PB, trays of cookie, and even wake up in the middle of the night with strange cravings then to find myself in the kitchen snacking at 3am because I couldn't sleep due to thoughts of food.

It can get real ugly... believe me, I know!

And, at the same time, just know you never, ever have to MAKE yourself eat unless you clearly see that you're restricting for some reason or that you're obviously underfeeding.

Again, some people have extreme, insatiable hunger daily for weeks, months, etc...

Others have it for a day, then nothing for a week, then huge spikes in hunger for a month, then nothing for a month... again, it varies wildly.

As long as your response to your body is inline with what it's feedback is saying, you're doing everything you can.

Lastly, and I know this is a tough idea to accept, but there are ways to (at least intermittently) make light of the situation even though it's a serious one and you need to restore your health.

For example, I've started taking a very humorous mindset around my eating. Because lets be honest, it's moderately funny that I can eat 6+ cups of food in volume and feel like I ate almost nothing. I mean, come on... that's pretty freakin hilarious. Most people can have one chipotle burrito and be 100% full. Me, I could eat 2 burritos, some cookies, chips and guac, whatever, and basically be the same level of satiety. That's pretty damn silly... I'm basically a bottomless pit sometimes.

Again I know the after-effects/weight gain that results are challenging, but try to add some 'fun/humor' anytime you can. When I wake up in the middle of the night starving, I think to myself, "lol... wtf.... who does this? Well, guess im gunna go eat some cereal now... like a weirdo". Then I just smile, think about how funny it is to be starving for cereal, and go back to bed.

Not to get super philosophical, but to take a kind of Buddhist/zen tone on this... we're all just a bunch of conscious beings floating around on a rock in a vast and (largely) unknown universe... our lives are drops in the bucket of time... we're tiny by almost all measures in the context of everything in existence... and not only that, but we don't even live forever. So, really, does gaining weight reeeaaaally matter? Does being lean reeeaaaally matter? Naw... it doesn't... and I bet if you found out you only had, say, 1 month to live, you'd feel free as a bird to eat whatever you wanted because you knew your time was running out. Well, why not start now then? After all, eventually, there will come a day where that 1-month-left is a reality, and you don't wanna miss out on all these experiences just because you don't like losing your abs.

Cheers dude!

Bro that response was honestly amazing, that truely changed my hole perception. Lol I do make it funny sometimes. Like I am a 17 year old boy 5'5 and weigh 54kg and to think I can eat and fit so much food in my stomach is quite funny and I think jesus i did a pretty good job lol. But honestly I appreciate it so much and can not thank you enough, you really do not understand how much you have helped me. I ate a whole packet of cookies (like 24 cookies and 2 liters of milk and was still so hungry, pretty funny how that works like I am a small kid yet I fit that all in me)

Will regards to my training, should I just keep trying to progress and get stronger during this period? or just take a more chilled out approach until this is all sorted out?

[AdamWW]

Bro that response was honestly amazing, that truely changed my hole perception. Lol I do make it funny sometimes. Like I am a 17 year old boy 5'5 and weigh 54kg and to think I can eat and fit so much food in my stomach is quite funny and I think jesus i did a pretty good job lol. But honestly I appreciate it so much and can not thank you enough, you really do not understand how much you have helped me. I ate a whole packet of cookies (like 24 cookies and 2 liters of milk and was still so hungry, pretty funny how that works like I am a small kid yet I fit that all in me)

Will regards to my training, should I just keep trying to progress and get stronger during this period? or just take a more chilled out approach until this is all sorted out?

Right now, you should take a chill attitude toward everything.

If you're training, I do hope it's only weights and in no way connected to the food obsessions... they often go hand-in-hand.

There's nothing wrong with trying to get stronger of course, it's all about how it effects you mentally. At your age, you're going to build muscle pretty much no matter what you do. If you're feeling strong enough and have enough every, go for it. The big thing to keep in mind is that you need to rest and recover, and don't stretch out your workouts if it's with a goal of trying to control your body/food/appearance.

No stress, just have fun... these can be the best years of your life!

[Andrew578]

Right now, you should take a chill attitude toward everything.

If you're training, I do hope it's only weights and in no way connected to the food obsessions... they often go hand-in-hand.

There's nothing wrong with trying to get stronger of course, it's all about how it effects you mentally. At your age, you're going to build muscle pretty much no matter what you do. If you're feeling strong enough and have enough every, go for it. The big thing to keep in mind is that you need to rest and recover, and don't stretch out your workouts if it's with a goal of trying to control your body/food/appearance.

No stress, just have fun... these can be the best years of your life!

Yep no worries, yeh just doing weight training 4 days a week currently (Fierce 5 U/L). I am just trying to just listen to my body. Like yesterday wasn't feeling the best so didn't push myself to 100%

[AdamWW]

Yep no worries, yeh just doing weight training 4 days a week currently (Fierce 5 U/L). I am just trying to just listen to my body. Like yesterday wasn't feeling the best so didn't push myself to 100%

I'd say if you're really not feeling it, just don't go... but you know your body better than I do ;o)

For me, if I'm feeling off, all I do is stretching/bodyweight stuff to 'grease the groove', then reassess the next day.

It seems to help my digestion actually since it keeps blood flow from only bring focused on digestion, heh.

[Andrew578]

I'd say if you're really not feeling it, just don't go... but you know your body better than I do ;o)

For me, if I'm feeling off, all I do is stretching/bodyweight stuff to 'grease the groove', then reassess the next day.

It seems to help my digestion actually since it keeps blood flow from only bring focused on digestion, heh.

Ok yeh, Just trying to focus to listen to my body and doing what I feel is right. Thank you so much

[AdamWW]

Ok yeh, Just trying to focus to listen to my body and doing what I feel is right. Thank you so much

You got this man. Stay strong

[CBRIT89]

Struggling. Sucks being away with work, no ability to cook my own food, eating out every meal.

Hotel is lonely and I'm stuck with just my compulsion to eat as company, and I'm ignoring those thoughts.

15 days binge free.

[Andrew578]

You got this man. Stay strong

also, Adam. I was meant to start a slow and steady bulk over the course of 12 months (September 2019-September 2020) and was aim for about 62kg-65kg. However I am already 55kg from today. I was wondering after all this is over. I will be to heavy to go into a bulk so what should I do. I really want bulk up and gain some strength but I think my I would be too heavy to go into a bulk. How should I go about it once I overcome this period of extreme hunger

[AdamWW]

also, Adam. I was meant to start a slow and steady bulk over the course of 12 months (September 2019-September 2020) and was aim for about 62kg-65kg. However I am already 55kg from today. I was wondering after all this is over. I will be to heavy to go into a bulk so what should I do. I really want bulk up and gain some strength but I think my I would be too heavy to go into a bulk. How should I go about it once I overcome this period of extreme hunger

I think you need to reframe your priorities entirely when it comes to the gym, your body, your weight, etc.

I mean dude, 62-65KG is still super light anyway... you need to throw out these arbitrary weight goals. Who CARES what you weigh? what about how you feel? What about your friends? Your life? Your future?

Because you come from this background of restriction, being so precise with your timelines, weight goals, etc, is not a good idea. The whole point of recovery is to 'let your body do it's thing', instead of failing to trust it like you have been for a long time.

There is no such thing as 'too heavy to bulk'... you need to wipe this idea from your mind entirely.

Stop worrying about the future, the past, etc... think about the present moment. You need to handle these things one at a time. You can gain muscle no matter what size you are..

The fact that you're already thinking about being 'too heavy' for a bulk is a prime example of the disordered mindset you have trying to make excuses for taking things slow, not living for right now, and so on.

Don't worry about this... you need to wait out the current situation, get healthy, and when the time comes (which there is no way to predict the timing of) you can frame your training goals again. But it can never, ever again be about a weight goal, or you're likely going to fall back into the same hole of eating disordered activity like you did before, and become ill again.

Bottom-line, you need to start thinking in terms of never, EVER again worrying about being 'too heavy' to do anything. There is no such thing... still art focusing on being happy, healthy, and strong. The number on the scale doesn't exist anymore. Not for you.

[Andrew578]

I think you need to reframe your priorities entirely when it comes to the gym, your body, your weight, etc.

I mean dude, 62-65KG is still super light anyway... you need to throw out these arbitrary weight goals. Who CARES what you weigh? what about how you feel? What about your friends? Your life? Your future?

Because you come from this background of restriction, being so precise with your timelines, weight goals, etc, is not a good idea. The whole point of recovery is to 'let your body do it's thing', instead of failing to trust it like you have been for a long time.

There is no such thing as 'too heavy to bulk'... you need to wipe this idea from your mind entirely.

Stop worrying about the future, the past, etc... think about the present moment. You need to handle these things one at a time. You can gain muscle no matter what size you are..

The fact that you're already thinking about being 'too heavy' for a bulk is a prime example of the disordered mindset you have trying to make excuses for taking things slow, not living for right now, and so on.

Don't worry about this... you need to wait out the current situation, get healthy, and when the time comes (which there is no way to predict the timing of) you can frame your training goals again. But it can never, ever again be about a weight goal, or you're likely going to fall back into the same hole of eating disordered activity like you did before, and become ill again.

Bottom-line, you need to start thinking in terms of never, EVER again worrying about being 'too heavy' to do anything. There is no such thing... still art focusing on being happy, healthy, and strong. The number on the scale doesn't exist anymore. Not for you.

Yeh I understand, you’re right I need to think about the present. I need to listen and trust me body still trying to fix my mindset around it all. But thank you so much I was stressing a bit but it was the voice in my head.

Last night I was having thoughts about going back to my old habits. I re-downloaded MyFitnessPal to track calories but once I downloaded it, i deleted it straight away. I didn’t want to get sucked into the same trap

Thank you Adam, you have made this journey a lot easier, and thank you for letting me share my emotions, it has really helped me

[AdamWW]

Yeh I understand, you’re right I need to think about the present. I need to listen and trust me body still trying to fix my mindset around it all. But thank you so much I was stressing a bit but it was the voice in my head.

Last night I was having thoughts about going back to my old habits. I re-downloaded MyFitnessPal to track calories but once I downloaded it, i deleted it straight away. I didn’t want to get sucked into the same trap

Thank you Adam, you have made this journey a lot easier, and thank you for letting me share my emotions, it has really helped me

Anytime dude.

Just focus on life right now... not the past, not planning for the future, nothing like that regarding your eating or training.

MyFitnessPal should never be a part of your life... it does not know what you need. You do.

[Andrew578]

Just had my first hunger pang again. it has been like 2 years since my stomach has actually grumbled. I know it may not seem like a lot to other people but I have not felt the feeling of actual hunger (stomach rumbling) in over 2 years. Thanks Adam.

Still eating the fridge and pantry dry every day lol. Today had a large fries and fried fish. Felt good to have something like that. Can't wait to have some ice cream before bed. It's waiting for me in the freezing. lol

Thanks.

Training is also awesome, some days I actually look forward to going to the gym and want too. Which is a change because usually i wouldn't feel like going to the gym

[fairbjosh]

This maybe stupid to post in here because my problem seems minimal compared to others problems. But I have a VERY bad relationship with food and don't know how to break it. To give a little back story I was a little overweight at one point so I decided to make a change and worked out and dieted down, starting eating around 1600-1800 calories a day. For the past 4 years I have been pretty much at this same calorie intake, sometimes I will go a couple of weeks and try to eat at a higher calorie intake but my mind will start messing with me and thinking I'm getting fat. My relationship with food and weight is so bad that I weight my self twice a day and if the scale goes up a couple of pounds I will get depressed and if I eat something out of my typical diet I will feel guilty. It's starting to effect the quality of life somewhat because I can't really enjoy eating out and I will think in my head just go out eat what you want and have fun but than I just think that's an excuse to go get fat.

How do you break this chain?

[AdamWW]

This maybe stupid to post in here because my problem seems minimal compared to others problems. But I have a VERY bad relationship with food and don't know how to break it. To give a little back story I was a little overweight at one point so I decided to make a change and worked out and dieted down, starting eating around 1600-1800 calories a day. For the past 4 years I have been pretty much at this same calorie intake, sometimes I will go a couple of weeks and try to eat at a higher calorie intake but my mind will start messing with me and thinking I'm getting fat. My relationship with food and weight is so bad that I weight my self twice a day and if the scale goes up a couple of pounds I will get depressed and if I eat something out of my typical diet I will feel guilty. It's starting to effect the quality of life somewhat because I can't really enjoy eating out and I will think in my head just go out eat what you want and have fun but than I just think that's an excuse to go get fat.

How do you break this chain?

Hey man.

First off, if your relationship with food or the gym is effecting your quality of life, it's just as valid as anyone else's situation. And it sounds like this is troubling you and needs to be addressed before things get worse.

That being said, 'breaking the chain' is going to involve relearning habits and rewiring your associations between food and your body, as well as how you see/value your appearance in general.

The fact that you're eating 1600-1800 calories is concerning, because you seem active, and someone of your stature and physicality needs way, way more than that to thrive. Honestly I'm surprised you're able to maintain any energy at all with that intake... I would personally pass out trying to exercise at that intake... literally.

To be honest there is no fast and easy way to approach this. You need to dive in and start doing 'opposite actions' and stop the controls.

Stop weighing yourself. Not just twice a day, but at all. You need to stop using a scale, because it is a source of anxiety and control for you. Cold turkey, just stop.

Next, I suggest working on your food habits and 'rules', and taking steps to break this association between your body and your intake. Stop counting calories, stop restricting... start focusing on activities that have nothing to do with your body and your leanness. It is easier said than done, but you seem to know exactly what the issue is: you're not eating the way you want and need to, you're overly restricted, and your weight/appearance dictate your emotions.

Remove the triggers: the scale, the calorie counting, the control, the body-checking, etc...

[fairbjosh]

Hey man.

First off, if your relationship with food or the gym is effecting your quality of life, it's just as valid as anyone else's situation. And it sounds like this is troubling you and needs to be addressed before things get worse.

That being said, 'breaking the chain' is going to involve relearning habits and rewiring your associations between food and your body, as well as how you see/value your appearance in general.

The fact that you're eating 1600-1800 calories is concerning, because you seem active, and someone of your stature and physicality needs way, way more than that to thrive. Honestly I'm surprised you're able to maintain any energy at all with that intake... I would personally pass out trying to exercise at that intake... literally.

To be honest there is no fast and easy way to approach this. You need to dive in and start doing 'opposite actions' and stop the controls.

Stop weighing yourself. Not just twice a day, but at all. You need to stop using a scale, because it is a source of anxiety and control for you. Cold turkey, just stop.

Next, I suggest working on your food habits and 'rules', and taking steps to break this association between your body and your intake. Stop counting calories, stop restricting... start focusing on activities that have nothing to do with your body and your leanness. It is easier said than done, but you seem to know exactly what the issue is: you're not eating the way you want and need to, you're overly restricted, and your weight/appearance dictate your emotions.

Remove the triggers: the scale, the calorie counting, the control, the body-checking, etc...

Thank's for the advice Adam! I believe this is what I needed to hear. It does become hard to maintain energy and usually crash at night.

When I get home I'm going to throw out the scale and TRY and stop worrying about what I put into my body.

[AdamWW]

Thank's for the advice Adam! I believe this is what I needed to hear. It does become hard to maintain energy and usually crash at night.

When I get home I'm going to throw out the scale and TRY and stop worrying about what I put into my body.

There is a book i highly suggest called 'Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover', which is a guide for adults trying to get through eating disorders.

You can find it on Amazon and it was an amazing tool in me starting my own process. https://www.amazon.com/Rehabilitate-.../dp/B07B8SYKJ4

Bottom-line... you need to completely overhaul your value systems, and that is not easy at our age. But, it can be done, and you can come out the other end a better human being.

[Andrew578]

Update on extreme hunger: Hunger has decreased a little, but still super hungry and eating as much as I want. Still not tracking calories but would roughly say 4000 calories a day. I am up 4.5kg since the start (about 3 weeks ago) and I am totally fine with this weight gain. I have just accepted my weight gain and know that it is best for my body.

Training is feeling amazing and love working out. Progress is good as well. Over the past 3 weeks I can tell I have gotten bigger, especially in arms and legs. Feel so much better and honestly I have seen more progress in my physique in the past 3 weeks than the whole year. This gives me even more of a reason to gain that much needed weight

Overall, my quality of life has improved so much already, and it's only been 3 weeks. I feel so much happier, healthier and just overall so much better in life. Everything has improved since the start of this period, and I am so grateful for it.

Thank you so everyone for the support. Also these updates just really help me out mentally sooo lol sorry if this is long

[Andrew578]

Adam, I weighed myself this morning I am 57kg. That nearly 7kg I have put on in about a month. Its kinda scary, I can also tell I look at bit fluffier. Getting a bit worried but need to keep telling myself that it is totally normal. I just don't know how long I am going to keep this up.

I know I shouldn't weigh myself, but i just can't help it.
Still eating a crap ton of food and everything and anything I want

[AdamWW]

Adam, I weighed myself this morning I am 57kg. That nearly 7kg I have put on in about a month. Its kinda scary, I can also tell I look at bit fluffier. Getting a bit worried but need to keep telling myself that it is totally normal. I just don't know how long I am going to keep this up.

I know I shouldn't weigh myself, but i just can't help it.
Still eating a crap ton of food and everything and anything I want

Throw

Out

Your

Scale

Dude you know better than this.... reread everything we’ve already been over...

Eating what you need is only part of the equation... you need to fix your mind too. Stop poking the dragon and causing yourself anxiety.

57kg is fukking tiny...

You need to start asking yourself why you’re scared. Why does the number matter? Why does your body changing matter? Who will actually care? What bad could possibly happen? What actually defines you as a person.

I really suggest spending more time with friends, etc, and to stop thinking so much about the future. Focusing on where you might end up is pointless... live in the moment and just enjoy yourself. You have one life man... start living it.

Stop. Weighing. Yourself.

Start. Living. Life.

Learn to take a deep breath when you feel fear and repeat: “let go”.

And then let. It. Go.

[Andrew578]

Throw

Out

Your

Scale

Dude you know better than this.... reread everything we’ve already been over...

Eating what you need is only part of the equation... you need to fix your mind too. Stop poking the dragon and causing yourself anxiety.

57kg is fukking tiny...

You need to start asking yourself why you’re scared. Why does the number matter? Why does your body changing matter? Who will actually care? What bad could possibly happen? What actually defines you as a person.

I really suggest spending more time with friends, etc, and to stop thinking so much about the future. Focusing on where you might end up is pointless... live in the moment and just enjoy yourself. You have one life man... start living it.

Stop. Weighing. Yourself.

Start. Living. Life.

Learn to take a deep breath when you feel fear and repeat: “let go”.

And then let. It. Go.

Yes, I do know much better. Sometimes I can't help it, but I honestly need to throw it out. The one thing I am scared about is getting fat again, and feel like people will judge me again, like I will just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. As I am writing this I am eating a big tub of ice cream lol and just had dinner an hour ago too. I am still responding to my body's needs but I always feel bad and guilty after eating so much food.

I also just have that personality to overthink and worry about the future, I always tend to do this with everything. Which is a bad trait I really wish to fix.

Thank you again Adam, just for always reassuring that everything will work itself out. I literally couldn't do this without the support you have offered me.

Thats the thing as well. I know I'm only 57kg, but like I feel like that is heavy, when in reality its bloody tiny. But I still perceive myself as 'fat'. I honestly need to change my mindset badly

[CBRIT89]

Long story short. Wife found the leftover packaging from a 10,000 calorie binge. I had no option but to own up, and it was horrible. I've lied to her for three years. I've put my health at risk and i've put our future at risk.

I'm now 5 days into what I guess has become recovery, and i've managed to avoid going out and buying crap so far, plus made all of the right choices. Doctors appointment is in three weeks, and i'm really hoping that I can make some progress.

I'm an awful person.