Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[Grappa]

This. Training in a surplus with enough sleep is an entirely different activity than training at a deficit or on a bad night's sleep. Even now, perhaps because my body seems to almost "remember" my ED so heavily, I know right away if I'm not at least in a slight surplus based on how my workout feels. Brain fog, lack of motivation, & no hunger because your nervous system's amped are surefire signs you need to rest more. If you feel like that and you're not willing to eat more, you're better off skipping the gym for at least one planned workout or two.

This is the case for you if u are finally intuned with you body. But this needs a certain experience via recovery / retrospectiong how things felt back than. For me for example if i am hungry at the mornings i know i was in a deficit last day, usually i am not a breakfast guy, i just pop a cig + a coffee and i head to work (i know this is not the best but this is how it went before ED too)

@MengShu57

Please, do not judge/punish yourself for eating over your maintenance or anything. It is just food. You are 24 a young individual, you are at your prime now, do not waste this years with fueling your ED. YOu should travel, party, socialise, enjoy life as long as you can. Getting over an ED is not easy, it is really really hard. But if you sacrefice your ego, and honestly admint to yourself that you have a srs problem what should be solved things will get easier.
In my opinion you should skip counting calories and eat what you want. And only go to the gym if it is not fuels your ED. What i mean by that is that you really had to ask from yourself: Why am i going to the gym? To burn off calories? To look good? Do i even enjoy going to the gym? If i am not in the gym do i restrict? I lift cuz i love to do it, or i lift cuz a " voiice " telling me to do? This questions will open you up, and i hope you ll realise what is going on.
It took me 2 years of constant denial/battle with my ED when i felt kinda normal again. Once you start gaining weight it works like a charm, srsly. Once your brain will starts to operate well again ( cuz if you are underweight you lose almost half of your brain mass which is terrifying, plus 9/10 times this factor leads you to the OCD behaviours ) you will see the other side of the coin. I gotta admit i still have bad days, but i have learned how to manage my ED. You can not beat it fully, but you can learn it how to live with it and how to respond if you are triggered.

[MengShu57]

This is the case for you if u are finally intuned with you body. But this needs a certain experience via recovery / retrospectiong how things felt back than. For me for example if i am hungry at the mornings i know i was in a deficit last day, usually i am not a breakfast guy, i just pop a cig + a coffee and i head to work (i know this is not the best but this is how it went before ED too)

@MengShu57

Please, do not judge/punish yourself for eating over your maintenance or anything. It is just food. You are 24 a young individual, you are at your prime now, do not waste this years with fueling your ED. YOu should travel, party, socialise, enjoy life as long as you can. Getting over an ED is not easy, it is really really hard. But if you sacrefice your ego, and honestly admint to yourself that you have a srs problem what should be solved things will get easier.
In my opinion you should skip counting calories and eat what you want. And only go to the gym if it is not fuels your ED. What i mean by that is that you really had to ask from yourself: Why am i going to the gym? To burn off calories? To look good? Do i even enjoy going to the gym? If i am not in the gym do i restrict? I lift cuz i love to do it, or i lift cuz a " voiice " telling me to do? This questions will open you up, and i hope you ll realise what is going on.
It took me 2 years of constant denial/battle with my ED when i felt kinda normal again. Once you start gaining weight it works like a charm, srsly. Once your brain will starts to operate well again ( cuz if you are underweight you lose almost half of your brain mass which is terrifying, plus 9/10 times this factor leads you to the OCD behaviours ) you will see the other side of the coin. I gotta admit i still have bad days, but i have learned how to manage my ED. You can not beat it fully, but you can learn it how to live with it and how to respond if you are triggered.

Thank you for your words of encouragement Grappa, I needed that. I've been living this lifestyle for almost two years (counting calories, tracking steps, etc) that I've completely forgotten what it's like to eat intuitively like I did when I was a kid.

Christmas felt so liberating because I finally gave myself the opportunity to feast and interact with my family and just feel normal for a day, and enjoy good food, I wish I could live like that every day.

I know it's just food but at the same time I've become so in-tuned with my body that I'm also aware to how my body responds to different kinds of nutrients, and sometimes I just can't mentally deal with it and fear that people will notice that extra bloat/puffiness from eating junk.

There are days where I just don't have the energy to workout and have to force myself into it, even so, I feel like it's the only way for me to get out of this mess.

[Grappa]

Thank you for your words of encouragement Grappa, I needed that. I've been living this lifestyle for almost two years (counting calories, tracking steps, etc) that I've completely forgotten what it's like to eat intuitively like I did when I was a kid.

Christmas felt so liberating because I finally gave myself the opportunity to feast and interact with my family and just feel normal for a day, and enjoy good food, I wish I could live like that every day.

I know it's just food but at the same time I've become so in-tuned with my body that I'm also aware to how my body responds to different kinds of nutrients, and sometimes I just can't mentally deal with it and fear that people will notice that extra bloat/puffiness from eating junk.

There are days where I just don't have the energy to workout and have to force myself into it, even so, I feel like it's the only way for me to get out of this mess.

We are all forgottwn how to eat intuitiveley, but with time you can learn it again. One thing is very very helpful if you let your family feed you. Idk if u still livin at home or alone, but when i was really sick i still lived home, and i let my parents make foods for me. They know how to feed you, even if u forgot it, it is an instinct. I gotta admit it helped a lot.

The key is consistency, even if you fail a day at a recovery viewpoint you should never go back to your old habits. Even if you fear gaining fat, or about losing ab definition, it is not of a big deal. You have to gain fat in order to recover, and trust me u ll not gonna be fat or obese. For example i was 42 kg at my lowest now i am 75-77 kg. That is a 30kg+ gain. Which seems a lot, but in reality now i look healthy, i am not obese nor fat. Find a motivation and stick with it. Mine was to get back to martial arts what was and still my passion. While i was deep down into the cruel world of anorexia i was not able to take ma classes for almost 2 years and plus 3 years during weight restoration. Thanks for my ED i had to regain my lost musclemass which was painfully hard. And i have wasted 5 years of good stuff from MA.

As how noticing weight gain goes, srsly do not give a **** about others opinion about you. I know we live in a narcissistic world where looks means a lot but cmon. Do not let any1 judge you, only you can judge yourself.

I am mot gonna lie during recovery there will be some who will say that oh u have gained weight? But this ll be 9/10 times positive feedback, like woah you look good, or you start to look healthy. And do not be afraid of "bloating" "puffiness" at the beginning aprox 20 lbs will goes into your organs, brain, bone marrow, or natural water retention. Which means even tho the scale will go up u ll look the same.

[AdamWW]

Thank you for your words of encouragement Grappa, I needed that. I've been living this lifestyle for almost two years (counting calories, tracking steps, etc) that I've completely forgotten what it's like to eat intuitively like I did when I was a kid.

Christmas felt so liberating because I finally gave myself the opportunity to feast and interact with my family and just feel normal for a day, and enjoy good food, I wish I could live like that every day.

I know it's just food but at the same time I've become so in-tuned with my body that I'm also aware to how my body responds to different kinds of nutrients, and sometimes I just can't mentally deal with it and fear that people will notice that extra bloat/puffiness from eating junk.

There are days where I just don't have the energy to workout and have to force myself into it, even so, I feel like it's the only way for me to get out of this mess.

I understand the struggle, believe me, but take it from someone who is in recovery now.... once you finally decide to get better, you're going to be kicking yourself in the face for not doing it sooner.

It doesn't take much, you just have to START.

I look back at where I was 2-3 months ago and I want to slap myself in the face for all the time I wasted.

Don't make yourself accumulate any more regret... trust me, once you start properly fueling yourself and getting over these silly rules you have, you'll never want to look back.

Life can be amazing... seriously...

[REXIEthedino]

I always feel the need to be active. I feel guilty for eating the same amount of food on my rest day. Like i don't "deserve" food. But the thing is i'm not a dog that needs to earn his food..

[Grappa]

I always feel the need to be active. I feel guilty for eating the same amount of food on my rest day. Like i don't "deserve" food. But the thing is i'm not a dog that needs to earn his food..

Have u seen an ED specialist yet?

[AdamWW]

I always feel the need to be active. I feel guilty for eating the same amount of food on my rest day. Like i don't "deserve" food. But the thing is i'm not a dog that needs to earn his food..

You know what you need to do. Why not just start doing it right now? Today? Why wait?

[MengShu57]

We are all forgottwn how to eat intuitiveley, but with time you can learn it again. One thing is very very helpful if you let your family feed you. Idk if u still livin at home or alone, but when i was really sick i still lived home, and i let my parents make foods for me. They know how to feed you, even if u forgot it, it is an instinct. I gotta admit it helped a lot.

The key is consistency, even if you fail a day at a recovery viewpoint you should never go back to your old habits. Even if you fear gaining fat, or about losing ab definition, it is not of a big deal. You have to gain fat in order to recover, and trust me u ll not gonna be fat or obese. For example i was 42 kg at my lowest now i am 75-77 kg. That is a 30kg+ gain. Which seems a lot, but in reality now i look healthy, i am not obese nor fat. Find a motivation and stick with it. Mine was to get back to martial arts what was and still my passion. While i was deep down into the cruel world of anorexia i was not able to take ma classes for almost 2 years and plus 3 years during weight restoration. Thanks for my ED i had to regain my lost musclemass which was painfully hard. And i have wasted 5 years of good stuff from MA.

As how noticing weight gain goes, srsly do not give a **** about others opinion about you. I know we live in a narcissistic world where looks means a lot but cmon. Do not let any1 judge you, only you can judge yourself.

I am mot gonna lie during recovery there will be some who will say that oh u have gained weight? But this ll be 9/10 times positive feedback, like woah you look good, or you start to look healthy. And do not be afraid of "bloating" "puffiness" at the beginning aprox 20 lbs will goes into your organs, brain, bone marrow, or natural water retention. Which means even tho the scale will go up u ll look the same.

Thank you. Yes I do still live at home. Luckily, I have a loving family that has been very understanding of my problem and try their best to help me. Since my problem started, I've cooked for myself just to able to track my nutrition and try to make my food as nutritious and filling as possible due to my low energy levels. I fear the high calorie foods that people offer me because I'll tend to compensate by eating less or exercising later during the day.

I know we're not supposed to care about what people think, but I'm only human and can't help. I'm very sensitive by nature. I used to be around 116lbs at my lowest, and after gaining about 5lbs back one of my relatives pointed it out in a well intended manner because I looked sick at the time, but I still took it very personally. I'm scared that if I lose my abs, or gain weight too rapidly resulting in rapid fat gain, someone is going to say something hurtful that I just can't deal with right now.

My plan is to gain around a pound a month to maximize muscle and hopefully feel better as I inch closer to my natural set point or just a heavier weight in general, allowing me to increase the calories as well. It just feels like the only way to win without losing something in the process.

I understand the struggle, believe me, but take it from someone who is in recovery now.... once you finally decide to get better, you're going to be kicking yourself in the face for not doing it sooner.

It doesn't take much, you just have to START.

I look back at where I was 2-3 months ago and I want to slap myself in the face for all the time I wasted.

Don't make yourself accumulate any more regret... trust me, once you start properly fueling yourself and getting over these silly rules you have, you'll never want to look back.

Life can be amazing... seriously...

I'm happy for all of you. Seeing and hearing about your journeys gives me hope for a better future.

But I'm just afraid to take the dive and feel the need to transition in slowly. I really fear judgement from myself and other people; and feel like if I don't maintain this state that I've had for so long people are going to criticize.

Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I think, but I can't take that chance. I want to get better but I have to do it slowly and hopefully someday get out of this mess completely.

[AdamWW]

Thank you. Yes I do still live at home. Luckily, I have a loving family that has been very understanding of my problem and try their best to help me. Since my problem started, I've cooked for myself just to able to track my nutrition and try to make my food as nutritious and filling as possible due to my low energy levels. I fear the high calorie foods that people offer me because I'll tend to compensate by eating less or exercising later during the day.

I know we're not supposed to care about what people think, but I'm only human and can't help. I'm very sensitive by nature. I used to be around 116lbs at my lowest, and after gaining about 5lbs back one of my relatives pointed it out in a well intended manner because I looked sick at the time, but I still took it very personally. I'm scared that if I lose my abs, or gain weight too rapidly resulting in rapid fat gain, someone is going to say something hurtful that I just can't deal with right now.

My plan is to gain around a pound a month to maximize muscle and hopefully feel better as I inch closer to my natural set point or just a heavier weight in general, allowing me to increase the calories as well. It just feels like the only way to win without losing something in the process.



I'm happy for all of you. Seeing and hearing about your journeys gives me hope for a better future.

But I'm just afraid to take the dive and feel the need to transition in slowly. I really fear judgement from myself and other people; and feel like if I don't maintain this state that I've had for so long people are going to criticize.

Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I think, but I can't take that chance. I want to get better but I have to do it slowly and hopefully someday get out of this mess completely.

Then you’re choosing to literally play with life and death.

Going slow will NOT cure you. I can guarantee that. You’re still restricting, and you cannot fix your mindset if you don’t change it...

Nobody can make you change unless with you want it.

I repeat: going slow will NOT fix your obsession. It is destined to fail and you’ll end up back where you started.

Every second you spend restricting is lost forever. Remember that.

Good luck.

[Grappa]

Then you’re choosing to literally play with life and death.

Going slow will NOT cure you. I can guarantee that. You’re still restricting, and you cannot fix your mindset if you don’t change it...

Nobody can make you change unless with you want it.

I repeat: going slow will NOT fix your obsession. It is destined to fail and you’ll end up back where you started.

Every second you spend restricting is lost forever. Remember that.

Good luck.

@MengShu57

As Adam mentioned going slow will lead you nowhere. 1 lbs gain in a month is nothing, you should be gaining that amount in a week even up to 2 lbs/week. All this leanbulking stuff will do you more harm than good. First I would be amazed if your body would even put on muscle cuz you are still malnourished, and you ll not gonna have the extra energy to progress on your lifts.
Even tho is some miracle happens and your body will be able to do it, what will be the outcome? U ll be leaner and leaner in the process. Trust me, I have been there. Once I have gained 30lbs my psychologist allowed me to start lifting cuz I never had /have a ****ed up relationship with lifting. All I can say, I have gained like 1-2 lbs a week and the result was in a span of half a year I have putted on a ****ton of muscle, cuz of muscle memory etc. I was a really fit and muscular guy pre ED. But I have reached a point when I was around 140-145 lbs (which should be healthy but I was not) I became shredded to the bone. I had ****ing muscle striations everywhere. My progress stopped, I felt awful, my sleep was off, I remember it was April and outside was like 20+ Celsius and I had to wear a coat to not feel cold. So I took action, cuz I was physical unable to force more food down cuz of my hypermetabolism, I dropped the volume of my workouts, and I kid you not, I started to avoid walking. Even if I wanted to go to buy a pack of cig which was 300 meters away from my home, I went there by car. And it worked, I have started to put on fat, and tadaa, I started to feel good again. And I am gonna add here that I have done this without weighting any food, or counting macros etc. Srsy it is soo time consuming to count every ounce of liquid food what you drink and eat, I do not really get the point of that. Eat until you are full and everything is done. This is what I do now, some days I am hungrier other days not. Usually on my rest days I want to raid the fridge and eat everything from it. But that is how it goes with me.

What you want to do is dangerous. cuz the more leaner you are, the less testosterone your body will produce. And if you stay lean for a long period of time.. well say goodbye to your libido, and your erection. Plus what is the most dangerous of all you can **** up your testosterone production for life. I understand that you would like to put on muscle, but without proper hormone levels. Welll.. that is not gonna happen. But once you really start to gain as it was with me, your T levels will increase more than 2x amount what is present right now. When I was in the middle of my weight restoration, even if was 22 during that period I had more T in my blood than a guy in his teens, which is a lot according to that age.

And to be honest fat gain is not a big deal. I was shredded, and now I am not, I look Fit. To give an estimate I am around 15-17% BF right now. And woah I still have visible abs. But even if I would not have visible abs I would not give a damn about it. The only thing I care is progression in the gym, and how my workouts feel.

So really, consult with some specialist about this mindset/fear of fat gain cuz your habits will lead you to a very very very dangerous place.

[MengShu57]

@MengShu57

As Adam mentioned going slow will lead you nowhere. 1 lbs gain in a month is nothing, you should be gaining that amount in a week even up to 2 lbs/week. All this leanbulking stuff will do you more harm than good. First I would be amazed if your body would even put on muscle cuz you are still malnourished, and you ll not gonna have the extra energy to progress on your lifts.
Even tho is some miracle happens and your body will be able to do it, what will be the outcome? U ll be leaner and leaner in the process. Trust me, I have been there. Once I have gained 30lbs my psychologist allowed me to start lifting cuz I never had /have a ****ed up relationship with lifting. All I can say, I have gained like 1-2 lbs a week and the result was in a span of half a year I have putted on a ****ton of muscle, cuz of muscle memory etc. I was a really fit and muscular guy pre ED. But I have reached a point when I was around 140-145 lbs (which should be healthy but I was not) I became shredded to the bone. I had ****ing muscle striations everywhere. My progress stopped, I felt awful, my sleep was off, I remember it was April and outside was like 20+ Celsius and I had to wear a coat to not feel cold. So I took action, cuz I was physical unable to force more food down cuz of my hypermetabolism, I dropped the volume of my workouts, and I kid you not, I started to avoid walking. Even if I wanted to go to buy a pack of cig which was 300 meters away from my home, I went there by car. And it worked, I have started to put on fat, and tadaa, I started to feel good again. And I am gonna add here that I have done this without weighting any food, or counting macros etc. Srsy it is soo time consuming to count every ounce of liquid food what you drink and eat, I do not really get the point of that. Eat until you are full and everything is done. This is what I do now, some days I am hungrier other days not. Usually on my rest days I want to raid the fridge and eat everything from it. But that is how it goes with me.

What you want to do is dangerous. cuz the more leaner you are, the less testosterone your body will produce. And if you stay lean for a long period of time.. well say goodbye to your libido, and your erection. Plus what is the most dangerous of all you can **** up your testosterone production for life. I understand that you would like to put on muscle, but without proper hormone levels. Welll.. that is not gonna happen. But once you really start to gain as it was with me, your T levels will increase more than 2x amount what is present right now. When I was in the middle of my weight restoration, even if was 22 during that period I had more T in my blood than a guy in his teens, which is a lot according to that age.

And to be honest fat gain is not a big deal. I was shredded, and now I am not, I look Fit. To give an estimate I am around 15-17% BF right now. And woah I still have visible abs. But even if I would not have visible abs I would not give a damn about it. The only thing I care is progression in the gym, and how my workouts feel.

So really, consult with some specialist about this mindset/fear of fat gain cuz your habits will lead you to a very very very dangerous place.

To be quite honest, and I cannot emphasize on the word honest, a pound week seems like too much, from a physiological and psychological standpoint; I'd probably need to force feed to get down to that point, and I'm aware that it's just an extra 3500 calories spanned throughout the week but it's a lot considering that I eat clean, unless I resort to junk food which I am not willing to do.

Psychologically, I'm sorry but I can't deal with that kind of stress right now. I easily get depressed by almost anything, and I fear that putting on weight too rapidly might cause me to have a full on mental breakdown.

People on this forum estimated me to be around 10-11% bodyfat; which is a low number but not shredded by any means, and I don't plan on ever being shredded unless I'm paid for it. The only problem is my low body weight.

I don't plan on getting leaner; all I want is to maintain the same or close to levels of bodyfat by gaining weight slowly over time. I'm fully aware that my t-levels may be lower than the norm, which is why I want to limit my weight gain to a pound a month.

Maybe this is just me speaking out of my ass, but since I went from 116 to 125, I have gotten stronger, and even though it's not much, my body measurements have noticeably increased; maybe as a result of newbie gains/muscle memory. I had 10.5 inch arms about a year and a half ago, now they're around 12.

Not trying to praise myself, just had to provide that information.

I know that it's not the best route; I realize that my ED and obsession with wanting to stay lean is holding me back from living a full fulfilling life. It's just that what you're both suggesting seems too extreme.

I'm glad that it worked for you, and would encourage others to follow the same path, but personally I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally; and to me my mental state is just as important as my physiological, I can't sacrifice one for the other; and I don't know if I'll be okay with it in the long run.

Since I gained a little bit of weight, I am feeling better, eating a lot more; even though I'm not perfect yet, it's progress and it's better than nothing. Like I said it, I don't think it's the most optimal path, but it's working for me, so I feel like I'm compelled to stick to the program, trust in the process, and be patient.

To summarize; I realize that I'm prolonging my recovery, but if I were to follow one extreme I feel like I'll fall into a deep emotional roller coaster which is also dangerous for my current mental state.

I hope you can understand that while it may have worked for most of you; it probably wouldn't have the same effect on me. I'm so sorry if this came out the wrong way; please don't take it personally.

[Grappa]

To be quite honest, and I cannot emphasize on the word honest, a pound week seems like too much, from a physiological and psychological standpoint; I'd probably need to force feed to get down to that point, and I'm aware that it's just an extra 3500 calories spanned throughout the week but it's a lot considering that I eat clean, unless I resort to junk food which I am not willing to do.

Psychologically, I'm sorry but I can't deal with that kind of stress right now. I easily get depressed by almost anything, and I fear that putting on weight too rapidly might cause me to have a full on mental breakdown.

People on this forum estimated me to be around 10-11% bodyfat; which is a low number but not shredded by any means, and I don't plan on ever being shredded unless I'm paid for it. The only problem is my low body weight.

I don't plan on getting leaner; all I want is to maintain the same or close to levels of bodyfat by gaining weight slowly over time. I'm fully aware that my t-levels may be lower than the norm, which is why I want to limit my weight gain to a pound a month.

Maybe this is just me speaking out of my ass, but since I went from 116 to 125, I have gotten stronger, and even though it's not much, my body measurements have noticeably increased; maybe as a result of newbie gains/muscle memory. I had 10.5 inch arms about a year and a half ago, now they're around 12.

Not trying to praise myself, just had to provide that information.

I know that it's not the best route; I realize that my ED and obsession with wanting to stay lean is holding me back from living a full fulfilling life. It's just that what you're both suggesting seems too extreme.

I'm glad that it worked for you, and would encourage others to follow the same path, but personally I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally; and to me my mental state is just as important as my physiological, I can't sacrifice one for the other; and I don't know if I'll be okay with it in the long run.

Since I gained a little bit of weight, I am feeling better, eating a lot more; even though I'm not perfect yet, it's progress and it's better than nothing. Like I said it, I don't think it's the most optimal path, but it's working for me, so I feel like I'm compelled to stick to the program, trust in the process, and be patient.

To summarize; I realize that I'm prolonging my recovery, but if I were to follow one extreme I feel like I'll fall into a deep emotional roller coaster which is also dangerous for my current mental state.

I hope you can understand that while it may have worked for most of you; it probably wouldn't have the same effect on me. I'm so sorry if this came out the wrong way; please don't take it personally.

I understand your concerns but u really have to keep in mind that the key to recover is to step out your comfort zone and finally face your disorder and fight with it. The emotional roller coaster actually is a good thing, most of us who surrendered to recovery felt that. It is frustrating and hard but manageable.

What sucks is the joint pains and the anger issues during weight restoration.

About the force feed part, you can still have dense foods even if u eat "clean". Pb, nuts, dried fruits etc. So u do not have to eat a lot of volume in order to get nutrients in.

[AdamWW]

MengShu...

It’s truly sad you’re giving up before you even start.

I cannot offer anything else.

Hopefully you change your mind and actually do what you already know is right.

[letsallmakeit]

okey guys so i have been dealing with mental foggeness and more mental fatigue than physical for a while. like physically i could do much more than mental, but mental fatigue also causes overall fatigue and lack of motivation and interest in things. i have been doing full body 3 days a week and some days i have energy and can do the workout np! but i have been stalling in weights and have deloaded couple of times almost at the same weights as before. i have to admit that i feel better than before, but it seems harder to workout. i have restricted way less than before. atm i feel i can’t run tho and i even do less moving. i sometimes just want to stay put and not move. weird because i have been eating more and i don’t think i’m that low of a weight for my height (6’ 153.5) causing this. i do experience stress, anxiety and other stuff too, but i’m improving psychologically and just overall tbh. i don’t weight myself much, but people say i look better and bigger so i’m guessing weight is going up.

[AdamWW]

okey guys so i have been dealing with mental foggeness and more mental fatigue than physical for a while. like physically i could do much more than mental, but mental fatigue also causes overall fatigue and lack of motivation and interest in things. i have been doing full body 3 days a week and some days i have energy and can do the workout np! but i have been stalling in weights and have deloaded couple of times almost at the same weights as before. i have to admit that i feel better than before, but it seems harder to workout. i have restricted way less than before. atm i feel i can’t run tho and i even do less moving. i sometimes just want to stay put and not move. weird because i have been eating more and i don’t think i’m that low of a weight for my height (6’ 153.5) causing this. i do experience stress, anxiety and other stuff too, but i’m improving psychologically and just overall tbh.

You say you're 'restricting less than before', but that implies you're still restricting... are you?

If so, then that's probably a huge part of this.

Your weight doesn't really matter, you can actually be OVERweight (by BMI standards) and be malnourished in some way if you come from an eating disorder.

Also, 6-foot and 153.5 is still thin for almost everyone... and depending on your frame, etc, it could be VERY far from where you should be. Also, the fact that you're posting a decimal in the weight number is a bit weird... it kind of makes me wonder how much your OCD is still causing you problems.

Bottom-line, are you ACTUALLY in recovery or not? To me it sounds like you're still spending your time worrying about missing the gym, missing workouts, etc, and a combination of mental stress and pressure + not fully committing to eating what you need is holding you back.

You need to start not worrying so much... eat plenty of food, don't feel the need to constantly weigh yourself and be super meticulous about things. This is all playing into your obsessive mindset around fitness and food and bodyweight.

I haven't weighed myself or my food or anything for weeks, and just that load off my mind has done wonders.

I'm not sure how your sleep is, but poor sleep will kill any strength or energy you might otherwise have... you gotta start being calm and just letting things fall into place.

[letsallmakeit]

You say you're 'restricting less than before', but that implies you're still restricting... are you?

If so, then that's probably a huge part of this.

Your weight doesn't really matter, you can actually be OVERweight (by BMI standards) and be malnourished in some way if you come from an eating disorder.

Also, 6-foot and 153.5 is still thin for almost everyone... and depending on your frame, etc, it could be VERY far from where you should be. Also, the fact that you're posting a decimal in the weight number is a bit weird... it kind of makes me wonder how much your OCD is still causing you problems.

Bottom-line, are you ACTUALLY in recovery or not? To me it sounds like you're still spending your time worrying about missing the gym, missing workouts, etc, and a combination of mental stress and pressure + not fully committing to eating what you need is holding you back.

You need to start not worrying so much... eat plenty of food, don't feel the need to constantly weigh yourself and be super meticulous about things. This is all playing into your obsessive mindset around fitness and food and bodyweight.

I haven't weighed myself or my food or anything for weeks, and just that load off my mind has done wonders.

I'm not sure how your sleep is, but poor sleep will kill any strength or energy you might otherwise have... you gotta start being calm and just letting things fall into place.

hey adam thanks for replying!

so let me go part by part.

yes, i'm restricting less than before. before i was controlling almost everything or even controlling everything. therapy (for ocd, depression and other stuff) taught me to let go and stop controlling. i'm also reading a book about acceptance and let things float. stopping cold turkey in restricting is hard, but slowly i have been restricting less and less. by restricting less i mean of foods i like to eat and not waiting to eat everything at night and eat when hungry.

aaaa i get you. i tho the feeling of being lethargic, and other stuff that are mentioned in this thread was because of being underweight.

i actually put the decimal because of perfectionism and ocd, both things i'm improving and managing it better than before.

am i in therapy for recovery? well, my therapist just told me to be free and don't control what to eat and eat when hungry and eat what i wanted. i don't think shes an ED therapist, but mostly for ocd, depression and other stuffs.
the real recovery is me wanting to actually improve my life and health. ocd is just questioning everything. most of the time over thinking stuff "should i stop the gym because of how i feel" "if i'm gaining weight, why do i feel this way" "idk what to do".

i have a lot of questions related to fitness. "what if training is causing me this. if i stop weightlifting for some time and recovery i don't think i would be returning to lifting weights since that was probably the culprit?", but the culprit for me is stress and anxiety and blaming fitness tbh. also addiction. the not fully commiting to what i eat well heres the thing, eating when not hungry and constantly thinking about food makes me anxious and stressed, if i count calories this also makes me stress, anxious and makes me feel like i'm in control and thats something i don't want too. also feeling full makes me anxious, stress and sad.

i do worry a lot. i do overthink stuff a lot. like this morning i was feeling okey. i saw something, started to overthink and bam, fatigue started again.

i only train 3 days a week. do i want to train more? i mean if i have the energy yes i want too, but i do admit i'm scared, i'm scared that i'll get worst. i want to actually stop doing this full body routine i have been doing for such a long time and do something like upper lower split, play tennis or something i like, go for a run if i feel like it, be energetic and not freaking be dependant on food intake like "i have to eat now even if i'm not hungry", thing is, i could go hours and hours without eating and be ok because of my appetite.

what i just said is something that is in my mind right now and have been thinking about before. i do know for damn sure that i'm going to keep improving. will that cost stop going to the gym for some time? idk, will that cost me to stop thinking about food and just eat w/e whenever? idk. i do now i'm addicted to fitness because i have goals and reasons.

also i have improved my sleep because of fitness. i try to get 7-8 hours of sleep. if i'm not into fitness i'm like "bleh" and sleep late and don't know how many hours.

i did once stopped training for 1 month and libido didn't returned and symptoms came back fast, but i lost weight because back then i had my ed even worst.

last night i was questioning myself why do i keep going to the gym, whats the reason? when i imagen myself why i go to the gym i didn't find the joy and interest or motivation to go and was having the feeling of dragging myself, but heres the weird thing. this comes and goes, one day i go and feel motivated, next day i'm like eh, then i start questioning why i go and start over thinking.

i have temptations in weighing myself tomorrow to see where i'm at because of how i have been feeling and also how i have been feeling from working out.

i have constipation, feeling cold sometimes, i sweat during the nights sometimes too, libido is down and other things.

like i said i still have the thoughts in that going to the gym is the cause of how i feel and i'm scared to return working out with weights. sometimes i get moody, angry, more depressive, stressed and anxious after weightlifting and the day after which worries me more.

sorry for saying all of this. i just unsure what to do. doctors says this is not related and that fitness is ok, i have asked them a lot and they say it's not related and that i can continue. they say how my hormones and high cortisol are not related to working out since working out is great for me.

sorry for all of this hehe. i also do weights because i do not have much things to do. currently no friends, not studying because of how i feel and because i'm looking into what to study and only have a job and fitness.

i'm looking for friends tho. meeting new people is hard.

[AdamWW]

hey adam thanks for replying!

so let me go part by part.

sorry for all of this hehe. i also do weights because i do not have much things to do. currently no friends, not studying because of how i feel and because i'm looking into what to study and only have a job and fitness.

i'm looking for friends tho. meeting new people is hard.

To be honest, it sounds like you are burning the candle on both ends.

You really need to do more to make yourself feel good and less to make yourself control your body.

ED's are very isolating, and without SOME kind of social life, even just a few close friends, it's very hard to focus on improving. Human beings are social animals, and even the most introverted among us need some kind of way to vent our experiences to others.

I honestly think the anxiety and lack of social life, plus the restriction, are both working hand-in-hand to make you feel worse.

[letsallmakeit]

To be honest, it sounds like you are burning the candle on both ends.

You really need to do more to make yourself feel good and less to make yourself control your body.

ED's are very isolating, and without SOME kind of social life, even just a few close friends, it's very hard to focus on improving. Human beings are social animals, and even the most introverted among us need some kind of way to vent our experiences to others.

I honestly think the anxiety and lack of social life, plus the restriction, are both working hand-in-hand to make you feel worse.

sorry for my english, but what do you mean by burning my candle on both ends?

what exactly do you mean by the second sentence? "to do more to make me feel good and do less to make myself control my body?". is this the correct way to say it tho? and by the second part i guess what you mean is not restrict and listen to my body?

yes i'm trying to get new friends and gather with old ones. i even recently went to a party with old friends. did i had thoughts about not going? sure, i still went tho.

"I honestly think the anxiety and lack of social life, plus the restriction, are both working hand-in-hand to make you feel worse." for sure. i think this and blaming the gym is what it's making me feel like i do. i don't think the gym is making me feel this way. the obsession and the symptoms i get because of my way of thinking towards the gym are the things that are making me feel like this.

[AdamWW]

sorry for my english, but what do you mean by burning my candle on both ends?

what exactly do you mean by the second sentence? "to do more to make me feel good and do less to make myself control my body?". is this the correct way to say it tho? and by the second part i guess what you mean is not restrict and listen to my body?

yes i'm trying to get new friends and gather with old ones. i even recently went to a party with old friends. did i had thoughts about not going? sure, i still went tho.

"I honestly think the anxiety and lack of social life, plus the restriction, are both working hand-in-hand to make you feel worse." for sure. i think this and blaming the gym is what it's making me feel like i do. i don't think the gym is making me feel this way. the obsession and the symptoms i get because of my way of thinking towards the gym are the things that are making me feel like this.

'Burning the candle at both ends' means you're giving yourself stress from all directions and it's wearing you down.

"to do more to make me feel good and do less to make myself control my body?" -- I mean that you're placing all your focus on the gym, your appearance, and your food, and not on making friends and doing other hobbies which have nothing to do with how you look or your strength. There are other things you can enjoy and be happy about outside of this.

[letsallmakeit]

'Burning the candle at both ends' means you're giving yourself stress from all directions and it's wearing you down.

"to do more to make me feel good and do less to make myself control my body?" -- I mean that you're placing all your focus on the gym, your appearance, and your food, and not on making friends and doing other hobbies which have nothing to do with how you look or your strength. There are other things you can enjoy and be happy about outside of this.

thanks for clarifying! also what is your opinion when it comes to control. do you feel like take control over something is bad? is controlling something bad?

[AdamWW]

thanks for clarifying! also what is your opinion when it comes to control. do you feel like take control over something is bad? is controlling something bad?

Depends on what you're taking control of and why...

[letsallmakeit]

Depends on what you're taking control of and why...

gotcha. just thought taking control overall is just not good and the word manage would be better

[AdamWW]

gotcha. just thought taking control overall is just not good and the word manage would be better

Well it depends... I mean, taking 'control' of your money/finances is a good idea....

Taking control of your sleep schedule is a good idea...

Taking control of your time management is a good idea...

But i think we're kind of getting too specific here with choosing words.

[Strawng]

"I honestly think the anxiety and lack of social life, plus the restriction, are both working hand-in-hand to make you feel worse." for sure. i think this and blaming the gym is what it's making me feel like i do. i don't think the gym is making me feel this way. the obsession and the symptoms i get because of my way of thinking towards the gym are the things that are making me feel like this.

Yea no it's also the gym bro. You're looking for excuses to keep engaging in your disordered behaviors. When you run purely on adrenaline to get through workouts that your body isn't physically & mentally prepared for, the "cost" of making it through your workout is brain fog for the next day or two. It happened to me all the time in recovery and it still happens now when I undereat or go hard too many days in the row. It's a surefire sign you're undereating for your activity level. That coupled with your general life stress is making things even worse. Oh, and your height/weight is very much contingent with these symptoms. It also down to body fat percentage and your starting point. Your body will sacrifice heart tissue and glucose for your brain (hence the brain fog) in order to preserve the rest of its muscle mass and basic functions as well. When he says you're "burning the candle at both ends", he means you're PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY fuking yourself up with these habits. I strongly suggest you reach out to any people you can for support. Friends, family, co-workers, anyone can help. No one can do this thing alone. I'd be long dead if not for my gf, best friends, & mentors.

[letsallmakeit]

Well it depends... I mean, taking 'control' of your money/finances is a good idea....

Taking control of your sleep schedule is a good idea...

Taking control of your time management is a good idea...

But i think we're kind of getting too specific here with choosing words.

ocd for example, today i went to the therapist and i’m confused with this word really. i have ocd and my therapist once told me to not take control over everything. today i went and she said we can take control over things we can control. so im a bit confused since once she told me not too and now she told me we can control things.

i truly dont know what to take control means vs wanting something and if taking control over something is good or bad.

thoughts?

should i always say control or manage?

example, taking control over our thoughts vs taking control over what i want to eat.

should i eliminate control off my dictionary?

[AdamWW]

ocd for example, today i went to the therapist and i’m confused with this word really. i have ocd and my therapist once told me to not take control over everything. today i went and she said we can take control over things we can control. so im a bit confused since once she told me not too and now she told me we can control things.

i truly dont know what to take control means vs wanting something and if taking control over something is good or bad.

thoughts?

should i always say control or manage?

example, taking control over our thoughts vs taking control over what i want to eat.

should i eliminate control off my dictionary?

You're massively overthinking this dude... it's just semantics...

The point is that you just make an effort to do your best to control/manage the things in life that you can when those controls actually benefit you.

So you TRY YOUR BEST to manage/control your budget, your sleep, etc, but you don't need to be so set on getting everything 100% right.

I think you're reading into the details way, way too much... just try do what you want, when you can, and just let it go... no need to set yourself up expecting perfection. If you end up not being able to handle something, no big deal, you tried.

When it comes to training/food, THAT is where you need to stop controlling.

Again, just do what you want... try your best ONLY to the point where it doesn't make you stressed out.

Just chill...

As Freddy Mercury said: 'nothing really matters'.

[letsallmakeit]

Yea no it's also the gym bro. You're looking for excuses to keep engaging in your disordered behaviors. When you run purely on adrenaline to get through workouts that your body isn't physically & mentally prepared for, the "cost" of making it through your workout is brain fog for the next day or two. It happened to me all the time in recovery and it still happens now when I undereat or go hard too many days in the row. It's a surefire sign you're undereating for your activity level. That coupled with your general life stress is making things even worse. Oh, and your height/weight is very much contingent with these symptoms. It also down to body fat percentage and your starting point. Your body will sacrifice heart tissue and glucose for your brain (hence the brain fog) in order to preserve the rest of its muscle mass and basic functions as well. When he says you're "burning the candle at both ends", he means you're PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY fuking yourself up with these habits. I strongly suggest you reach out to any people you can for support. Friends, family, co-workers, anyone can help. No one can do this thing alone. I'd be long dead if not for my gf, best friends, & mentors.

heya strawng!

i get what you're saying. today i went to the therapist and i told her about my gym addiction and what and how i feel. she never said stop going. she never said stop weights. i think she strongly believes this is happening because of stress and anxiety. i'm managing ocd better now. i have improved a lot and going to continue improving in my life, but overthinking is wow in my part and i'm focusing in the now and slowly improving this too. i know i need to reach out for people. lately i have been going out more than what i used too. i force myself to do it. when it comes to weightlifting i only go 3 days per week and the routine is not high volume. does have compound movements, but the entire routine does not have high volume. i do want to do more tho. i want to do an upper/lower split which i actually love and start also doing cardio.

i want to have more energy. like i said, i have taken a month off and when i return the symptoms would come back fast. idk if it's actually a deload thing. i do know it's more stress and anxiety related. i'm almost overthinking stuff all day. that's why i'm searching for new friends. all i have is my job and a family member who i live with. i told my therapist that if i drop the gym i won't have any hobby or stuff to do. i can't play video games yet because i don't have a green flag for it and also because i really want to go out. i don't want to stay in my house too long alone. so i'm constantly going to the movies even if i'm alone and that's okey. i'm going to find people and that's for sure.

today i went to the endocrinologist and he said my cortisol is extremely high, but he doesn't know why. i mentioned if it's stress or anxiety related and he said "this cortisol level is too high for a depressed person" something like that he said. he also never said anything about fitness, which i mentioned.

man i wanna hit the gyms "too many days in a row" like you say.

[letsallmakeit]

You're massively overthinking this dude... it's just semantics...

The point is that you just make an effort to do your best to control/manage the things in life that you can when those controls actually benefit you.

So you TRY YOUR BEST to manage/control your budget, your sleep, etc, but you don't need to be so set on getting everything 100% right.

I think you're reading into the details way, way too much... just try do what you want, when you can, and just let it go... no need to set yourself up expecting perfection. If you end up not being able to handle something, no big deal, you tried.

When it comes to training/food, THAT is where you need to stop controlling.

Again, just do what you want... try your best ONLY to the point where it doesn't make you stressed out.

Just chill...

As Freddy Mercury said: 'nothing really matters'.

this is what i'm saying. i overthink stuff too much almost all day, every detail.

[AdamWW]

heya strawng!

i get what you're saying. today i went to the therapist and i told her about my gym addiction and what and how i feel. she never said stop going. she never said stop weights. i think she strongly believes this is happening because of stress and anxiety. i'm managing ocd better now. i have improved a lot and going to continue improving in my life, but overthinking is wow in my part and i'm focusing in the now and slowly improving this too. i know i need to reach out for people. lately i have been going out more than what i used too. i force myself to do it. when it comes to weightlifting i only go 3 days per week and the routine is not high volume. does have compound movements, but the entire routine does not have high volume. i do want to do more tho. i want to do an upper/lower split which i actually love and start also doing cardio.

i want to have more energy. like i said, i have taken a month off and when i return the symptoms would come back fast. idk if it's actually a deload thing. i do know it's more stress and anxiety related. i'm almost overthinking stuff all day. that's why i'm searching for new friends. all i have is my job and a family member who i live with. i told my therapist that if i drop the gym i won't have any hobby or stuff to do. i can't play video games yet because i don't have a green flag for it and also because i really want to go out. i don't want to stay in my house too long alone. so i'm constantly going to the movies even if i'm alone and that's okey. i'm going to find people and that's for sure.

today i went to the endocrinologist and he said my cortisol is extremely high, but he doesn't know why. i mentioned if it's stress or anxiety related and he said "this cortisol level is too high for a depressed person" something like that he said. he also never said anything about fitness, which i mentioned.

man i wanna hit the gyms "too many days in a row" like you say.

Well your cortisol is probably high because you're in a prolonged and chronic state of panic and worry...

Maybe you should try some meditation, get a massage, etc, because honestly man you seem very high strung.

It ain't that serious... take a bath, take a nice slow walk outside, practice deep breathing.... lay down for a nap....

The world will keep spinning even if you just relax for a while.

[letsallmakeit]

Well your cortisol is probably high because you're in a prolonged and chronic state of panic and worry...

Maybe you should try some meditation, get a massage, etc, because honestly man you seem very high strung.

It ain't that serious... take a bath, take a nice slow walk outside, practice deep breathing.... lay down for a nap....

The world will keep spinning even if you just relax for a while.

yep i have been doing this actually. just relaxing, reading. going for a walk outside and tbh i have been feeling better.