Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[AdamWW]

I didn't even realize that some behaviours where considered disordered. I considered them normal and didn't think much of it. "Because a lot of people do it"

They aren't disordered by definition, they're disordered because you have a disorder... thus, literally any action or non-action that you take/don't take in an attempt to satisfy the ED's desire for weight or body control is definitely disordered.

Hell, for me, parking far away from the entrance to the gym or a store is disordered because of the motivation for doing it: I wanted to 'get my steps in' because it made my disorder feel better.

Not EVERYONE who parks far away has a disorder, but I do, and the action is part of it. Whether something is or is not an issue is 100% dependent on how you personally process it and use it to feed your illness.

These days, I am constantly asking myself: who wants to do this? Me? Or, the ED?

The best way to know is to do it OR not do it (depending on if it's an action or non-action) and see if it makes you uncomfortable in the ED-sense... if it causes you any stress/anxiety, it is 100% disordered.

[REXIEthedino]

They aren't disordered by definition, they're disordered because you have a disorder... thus, literally any action or non-action that you take/don't take in an attempt to satisfy the ED's desire for weight or body control is definitely disordered.

Hell, for me, parking far away from the entrance to the gym or a store is disordered because of the motivation for doing it: I wanted to 'get my steps in' because it made my disorder feel better.

Not EVERYONE who parks far away has a disorder, but I do, and the action is part of it. Whether something is or is not an issue is 100% dependent on how you personally process it and use it to feed your illness.

These days, I am constantly asking myself: who wants to do this? Me? Or, the ED?

The best way to know is to do it OR not do it (depending on if it's an action or non-action) and see if it makes you uncomfortable in the ED-sense... if it causes you any stress/anxiety, it is 100% disordered.

I do this 2. Park further away to get more steps in or stand up a lot to get stuff downstairs that I don't really need.
Things like grocery shopping also become weird rituals. Food becomes your source of hedonic pleasure when you are in a kcal deficit. I also often don't allow myself to buy certain things that are 2 high in kcal because I might eat 2 much of it. Also having weird rituals like eating my oats extremely slow and with my left hand and a small spoon (savoring every bite of it). Or cooking them with a lot of water to have more volume oats.

[AdamWW]

I do this 2. Park further away to get more steps in or stand up a lot to get stuff downstairs that I don't really need.
Things like grocery shopping also become weird rituals. Food becomes your source of hedonic pleasure when you are in a kcal deficit. I also often don't allow myself to buy certain things that are 2 high in kcal because I might eat 2 much of it. Also having weird rituals like eating my oats extremely slow and with my left hand and a small spoon (savoring every bite of it). Or cooking them with a lot of water to have more volume oats.

Yup.. i've done ALL those things too...

You seem to be very cognizant of the habits in your life that are contributing to your problems.

I really hope you order that book and start working on stopping the habits, and eating in a way that you truly enjoy. I think you are in a good place to do this... believe me you'll be so happy you did.

[REXIEthedino]

Yup.. i've done ALL those things too...

You seem to be very cognizant of the habits in your life that are contributing to your problems.

I really hope you order that book and start working on stopping the habits, and eating in a way that you truly enjoy. I think you are in a good place to do this... believe me you'll be so happy you did.

Jup. Sometimes I wish i never knew about kcal or TDEE or everything else that has to do with eating disorders. Kind of eating when I was a kid. Not being worried that eating a couple of extra boiled potatoes or a piece of chicken breast will make me gain weight.

[AdamWW]

Jup. Sometimes I wish i never knew about kcal or TDEE or everything else that has to do with eating disorders. Kind of eating when I was a kid. Not being worried that eating a couple of extra boiled potatoes or a piece of chicken breast will make me gain weight.

Precisely!

Sometimes you can ‘know too much’.

I’m basically eating just like I used to in most aspects, zero tracking, zero stress, and man it is life changing.

I didn’t realize how much time and brain space I was wasting thinking about one subject: food.

[EmmaQu]

Thanks a lot!
I am a newbie in this topic. But I was always interested in healthy and proper nutrition. I always liked to count calories, study proper nutrition schemes and try them on myself. Therefore, this topic is very useful. Thanks again!

[REXIEthedino]

Precisely!

Sometimes you can ‘know too much’.

I’m basically eating just like I used to in most aspects, zero tracking, zero stress, and man it is life changing.

I didn’t realize how much time and brain space I was wasting thinking about one subject: food.

Jup! If you are constantly thinking about food it means that you are probably hungry. I need my brain for my schoolwork and exams and I don't want to obsess over how many grams of oats I'm going to eat tomorrow.

[REXIEthedino]

Precisely!

Sometimes you can ‘know too much’.

I’m basically eating just like I used to in most aspects, zero tracking, zero stress, and man it is life changing.

I didn’t realize how much time and brain space I was wasting thinking about one subject: food.

Jup! If you are constantly thinking about food it means that you are probably hungry. I need my brain for my schoolwork and exams and I don't want to obsess over how many grams of oats I'm going to eat tomorrow.

[MengShu57]

The holidays felt so freeing; I ate foods that I hadn't in a long time and just felt so happy. On Christmas eve I ate around 3500 calories which is a surplus of 1300 for me. I woke up the next day bloated and weighing 3lbs more than I usually did which freaked me out, and as much as I tried not to let it get to me, I ended falling into a slight depression nevertheless; did some light cardio to burn off some of those extra calories and took in a few diuretics to get the bloat off. I was back to normal around 3 days later.

It just goes to show that I have a long way to go.

Yesterday, for new year's eve I over indulged a bit but not as much as I did on Christmas.

I just want to go back to the state of mentality that I had when I was a child, to dine and interact with my family as it is a beautiful thing and such a freeing experience.

I'll be honest, I'm terrified of gaining fat, especially around my abdomens which is where it tends to accumulate the most. I'm scared to lose ab definition, and I know it's not the most important thing, but it's there. But at the same time, I want to get stronger, I want to stop feeling so weak, cold, and depressed all the time, because I have the rest of my life to live.

My goals for this year mostly center around health and feeling better. I'm not sure if I'll be cured by the end of this year, as my problems are numerous, but my biggest goal is to lean bulk to 130 and then 135 if I'm feeling okay. I feel like it's a step, also to only weigh myself once a week.

[AdamWW]

The holidays felt so freeing; I ate foods that I hadn't in a long time and just felt so happy. On Christmas eve I ate around 3500 calories which is a surplus of 1300 for me. I woke up the next day bloated and weighing 3lbs more than I usually did which freaked me out, and as much as I tried not to let it get to me, I ended falling into a slight depression nevertheless; did some light cardio to burn off some of those extra calories and took in a few diuretics to get the bloat off. I was back to normal around 3 days later.

It just goes to show that I have a long way to go.

Yesterday, for new year's eve I over indulged a bit but not as much as I did on Christmas.

I just want to go back to the state of mentality that I had when I was a child, to dine and interact with my family as it is a beautiful thing and such a freeing experience.

I'll be honest, I'm terrified of gaining fat, especially around my abdomens which is where it tends to accumulate the most. I'm scared to lose ab definition, and I know it's not the most important thing, but it's there. But at the same time, I want to get stronger, I want to stop feeling so weak, cold, and depressed all the time, because I have the rest of my life to live.

My goals for this year mostly center around health and feeling better. I'm not sure if I'll be cured by the end of this year, as my problems are numerous, but my biggest goal is to lean bulk to 130 and then 135 if I'm feeling okay. I feel like it's a step, also to only weigh myself once a week.

This will get you nowhere fast.

I suggest a professional therapist. You’re doing all the wrong things right now.

[MengShu57]

This will get you nowhere fast.

I suggest a professional therapist. You’re doing all the wrong things right now.

I am seeing one, but they're not always available. Most of the time, I'm on my own. Care to elaborate btw?

[AdamWW]

I am seeing one, but they're not always available. Most of the time, I'm on my own. Care to elaborate btw?

Your actions contradict your goals.

You say you’re obsessed with being lean and you want to stop that, and that you’re cold all the time, fixated on your appearance.

And yet you want to purposefully ‘lean bulk’, which only serves to reinforce your valuation of leanness being so important. How do you expect to stop caring so much about abs when you’re trying meticulously to not lose them? Fixing on ‘lean bulking’, only hitting super low weights without gaining hardly any fat, weighing yourself to ensure you don’t gain too much, it’s all in-line with the priorities of your disorder which are weight and fat control.

You need to stop weighing yourself, stop counting macros and calories, stop the obsession with doing things only in the ‘leanest’ and most calculated way...

I mean you say you’re tired and feeling tired and cold, and yet you’re willing to prolong feeling like crap because you want to be lean... it makes no sense.

If you’re so tired of feeling horrible, why are you delaying fixing the issue by trying to stay lean? It not only prolongs your physical suffering, it reinforces the disordered value systems you’ve built which dictate that lean = good.

Simply dipping a toe into the water isn’t going to cut it here... you’ll just get scared and run away. So, remove the mechanisms that can scare you: the scale, the calorie trackers, everything you use to falsely gauge how lean or light or controlled you are.... if you stop those actions, and stop constantly looking at yourself in the mirror, you’ll lose the method by which your ED creates fear and controls your life.

Kind of hard to fear weight gain when you don’t know what you weigh, and it’s hard to fear a specific calorie amount if you don’t count them.

[MengShu57]

Your actions contradict your goals.

You say you’re obsessed with being lean and you want to stop that, and that you’re cold all the time, fixated on your appearance.

And yet you want to purposefully ‘lean bulk’, which only serves to reinforce your valuation of leanness being so important. How do you expect to stop caring so much about abs when you’re trying meticulously to not lose them? Fixing on ‘lean bulking’, only hitting super low weights without gaining hardly any fat, weighing yourself to ensure you don’t gain too much, it’s all in-line with the priorities of your disorder which are weight and fat control.

You need to stop weighing yourself, stop counting macros and calories, stop the obsession with doing things only in the ‘leanest’ and most calculated way...

I mean you say you’re tired and feeling tired and cold, and yet you’re willing to prolong feeling like crap because you want to be lean... it makes no sense.

If you’re so tired of feeling horrible, why are you delaying fixing the issue by trying to stay lean? It not only prolongs your physical suffering, it reinforces the disordered value systems you’ve built which dictate that lean = good.

Sorry. I didn't mean it to come off as the be all and end all solution. It's simply but a step. I can't make that transition from night to day like you're suggesting I do, it doesn't work like that.

I wish I could drop it, I wish I could stop counting, weighing myself and stop obsessing. If I did, I know it would backfire, which in turn would make me feel worse.

Believe me I'm aware that I'm a long way from getting better. I know abs aren't the most important thing in life, I try to convince myself of that everyday, but it just doesn't work like that. I want to eat everything on sight, but I know the implications.

I don't encourage anyone to ever follow the lifestyle I do, in fact I tell people to stay away from it.

Sorry man, I'm just too deep in this hole, and feel like the only way to climb out without deteriorating myself mentally is to do it slowly but surely.

I know it's gonna take more time, but I feel like it's the only way. Already gaining weight is challenging enough, but I'm willing to go through it to feel better, I just don't want to have a mental breakdown along the way.

In summary, I can't just throw away the food scale and eat everything in plain sight and then be mentally okay with the 5lbs of extra bloat weight and continuous fat gain over time.

I'm so sorry. You seem like a good guy, and I don't mean this to come off in the wrong way, it's how I feel and how I feel like I need to handle my situation.

I feel that if I do gain 5-10lbs gradually over the next few months; even if there's a little bit of fat, I'll feel better because I did it slowly.

[REXIEthedino]

Sorry. I didn't mean it to come off as the be all and end all solution. It's simply but a step. I can't make that transition from night to day like you're suggesting I do, it doesn't work like that.

I wish I could drop it, I wish I could stop counting, weighing myself and stop obsessing. If I did, I know it would backfire, which in turn would make me feel worse.

Believe me I'm aware that I'm a long way from getting better. I know abs aren't the most important thing in life, I try to convince myself of that everyday, but it just doesn't work like that. I want to eat everything on sight, but I know the implications.

I don't encourage anyone to ever follow the lifestyle I do, in fact I tell people to stay away from it.

Sorry man, I'm just too deep in this hole, and feel like the only way to climb out without deteriorating myself mentally is to do it slowly but surely.

I know it's gonna take more time, but I feel like it's the only way. Already gaining weight is challenging enough, but I'm willing to go through it to feel better, I just don't want to have a mental breakdown along the way.

In summary, I can't just throw away the food scale and eat everything in plain sight and then be mentally okay with the 5lbs of extra bloat weight and continuous fat gain over time.

I'm so sorry. You seem like a good guy, and I don't mean this to come off in the wrong way, it's how I feel and how I feel like I need to handle my situation.

I feel that if I do gain 5-10lbs gradually over the next few months; even if there's a little bit of fat, I'll feel better because I did it slowly.

Please visit a therapist. Take it from someone who wasted years of his life living to be lean.

[AdamWW]

Sorry. I didn't mean it to come off as the be all and end all solution. It's simply but a step. I can't make that transition from night to day like you're suggesting I do, it doesn't work like that.

I wish I could drop it, I wish I could stop counting, weighing myself and stop obsessing. If I did, I know it would backfire, which in turn would make me feel worse.

Believe me I'm aware that I'm a long way from getting better. I know abs aren't the most important thing in life, I try to convince myself of that everyday, but it just doesn't work like that. I want to eat everything on sight, but I know the implications.

I don't encourage anyone to ever follow the lifestyle I do, in fact I tell people to stay away from it.

Sorry man, I'm just too deep in this hole, and feel like the only way to climb out without deteriorating myself mentally is to do it slowly but surely.

I know it's gonna take more time, but I feel like it's the only way. Already gaining weight is challenging enough, but I'm willing to go through it to feel better, I just don't want to have a mental breakdown along the way.

In summary, I can't just throw away the food scale and eat everything in plain sight and then be mentally okay with the 5lbs of extra bloat weight and continuous fat gain over time.

I'm so sorry. You seem like a good guy, and I don't mean this to come off in the wrong way, it's how I feel and how I feel like I need to handle my situation.

I feel that if I do gain 5-10lbs gradually over the next few months; even if there's a little bit of fat, I'll feel better because I did it slowly.

You’re talking to someone who’s had an ED for over 15 years and I’m doing precisely what I wrote. I’m gaining weight quickly, eating unrestricted, everything I need/want, no tracking, weighing, anything. Believe me I know more about this than I care to explain.

You CAN do that, just like thousands of people have, myself included. You’re just scared.

It’s up to you, only you can decide if you wanna waste today, tomorrow, and the next day, filled with regret that you’re wasting a life you’ll never get back.

Your choice.

[MengShu57]

Please visit a therapist. Take it from someone who wasted years of his life living to be lean.

I realized this a long time ago. I'm currently 24, haven't had chocolate or any fast foods in almost 2 years, missed out on so many social events with friends and families all because of this stupid ED.

You’re talking to someone who’s had an ED for over 15 years and I’m doing precisely what I wrote. I’m gaining weight quickly, eating unrestricted, everything I need/want, no tracking, weighing, anything. Believe me I know more about this than I care to explain.

You CAN do that, just like thousands of people have, myself included. You’re just scared.

It’s up to you, only you can decide if you wanna waste today, tomorrow, and the next day, filled with regret that you’re wasting a life you’ll never get back.

Your choice.

I know you have 10x the experience than I do. I've been reading your stuff for the past few months (as creepy as that sounds). You've helped a lot of people.

You're right I am scared. Scared of losing my damn mind. Just a few weight fluctuations is enough to break or make my day. I wish I could live like a normal person who doesn't worry about these things. Wish I never learned about nutritional science to begin with.

I'm also afraid of being judged, being told by peers and/or family that I've gained weight, which has happened before even though it was well intended. Or also not being sick enough to be worth a damn, as right now I'm only borderline underweight according to the BMI which is what my Doctor uses to evaluate me.

There's just so many variables that's preventing me from going all out even though I really wish I could, I don't think I'd be able to handle it mentally especially with the rigorous wave of anxiety and depression that I'm currently going through.

I don't want to die with a lot of regrets. I want to prevent that as much as possible. At the same time, I don't feel like I can just say "**** it" and dive head first.

I'm really sorry, your advice is good, it's genuine, most optimal and I hope that most people can follow it. I have without a shadow of a doubt that it would work. I'm just really afraid, I have to take it slow.

[AdamWW]

I realized this a long time ago. I'm currently 24, haven't had chocolate or any fast foods in almost 2 years, missed out on so many social events with friends and families all because of this stupid ED.



I know you have 10x the experience than I do. I've been reading your stuff for the past few months (as creepy as that sounds). You've helped a lot of people.

You're right I am scared. Scared of losing my damn mind. Just a few weight fluctuations is enough to break or make my day. I wish I could live like a normal person who doesn't worry about these things. Wish I never learned about nutritional science to begin with.

I'm also afraid of being judged, being told by peers and/or family that I've gained weight, which has happened before even though it was well intended. Or also not being sick enough to be worth a damn, as right now I'm only borderline underweight according to the BMI which is what my Doctor uses to evaluate me.

There's just so many variables that's preventing me from going all out even though I really wish I could, I don't think I'd be able to handle it mentally especially with the rigorous wave of anxiety and depression that I'm currently going through.

I'm don't want to die with a lot of regrets. I want to prevent that as much as possible. At the same time, I don't feel like I can just say "**** it" and dive head first.

I'm really sorry, your advice is good, it's genuine, most optimal and I hope that most people can follow it. I have without a shadow of a doubt that it would work. I'm just really afraid, I have to take it slow.

Then I suggest being more regular with your therapy support to ensure you have the tools you need if possible.

Best of luck.

[letsallmakeit]

guys did you experience headache, brain fog and mental fatigued when training? most of the time i finish training i get something weird. yesterday after training i had headache, couldn’t think straight, mentally fatigued. woke up today and still have headache. i also have other symptoms like nauseous, depression and not hungry.

i train 3 days a week greyskull lp

[AdamWW]

guys did you experience headache, brain fog and mental fatigued when training? most of the time i finish training i get something weird. yesterday after training i had headache, couldn’t think straight, mentally fatigued. woke up today and still have headache. i also have other symptoms like nauseous, depression and not hungry.

i train 3 days a week greyskull lp

Only when im underfed/underweight or not getting enough sleep.

[letsallmakeit]

Only when im underfed/underweight or not getting enough sleep.

gotcha. thanks for replying!

[Strawng]

Only when im underfed/underweight or not getting enough sleep.

This. Training in a surplus with enough sleep is an entirely different activity than training at a deficit or on a bad night's sleep. Even now, perhaps because my body seems to almost "remember" my ED so heavily, I know right away if I'm not at least in a slight surplus based on how my workout feels. Brain fog, lack of motivation, & no hunger because your nervous system's amped are surefire signs you need to rest more. If you feel like that and you're not willing to eat more, you're better off skipping the gym for at least one planned workout or two.

[AdamWW]

This. Training in a surplus with enough sleep is an entirely different activity than training at a deficit or on a bad night's sleep. Even now, perhaps because my body seems to almost "remember" my ED so heavily, I know right away if I'm not at least in a slight surplus based on how my workout feels. Brain fog, lack of motivation, & no hunger because your nervous system's amped are surefire signs you need to rest more. If you feel like that and you're not willing to eat more, you're better off skipping the gym for at least one planned workout or two.

Same.

I seem to be hypersensitive to even lower levels of short-term energy deficiency, even if I’ve gained bodyfat from my lowest points. These days, I always require some amount of pre-training fuel to perform optimally, else I fizzle out after a couple heavy sets.

Not sure if it’ll ever completely go away, but these days I never risk it... I’d rather be well-nourished than get pinned under a barbell.

On the bright side, after consistent and pretty steep energy surplus on a consistent basis, I’ve become very aware of when I need to have more calories and I can avoid crashes in most cases.

Sometimes I wonder if my body has simply unregulated my leptin/ghrelin signaling such that I become extremely hungry over very, very short term periods of energy deficit. I no longer often feel ‘subtle’ hunger, it’s typically quite significant.

Or, perhaps I’m simply very, very insulin sensitive still and my body tries to utilize glucose at a very rapid rate, thus I burn through glycogen like crazy. Not sure tho.

[letsallmakeit]

This. Training in a surplus with enough sleep is an entirely different activity than training at a deficit or on a bad night's sleep. Even now, perhaps because my body seems to almost "remember" my ED so heavily, I know right away if I'm not at least in a slight surplus based on how my workout feels. Brain fog, lack of motivation, & no hunger because your nervous system's amped are surefire signs you need to rest more. If you feel like that and you're not willing to eat more, you're better off skipping the gym for at least one planned workout or two.

yeah sometimes the no hunger thing happens. thanks for replying!

[REXIEthedino]

I find my ED behaviours the hardest to break: counting steps, counting every kcal, saving kcal for the evening, drinking coffee in the morning to supress my appetite, weighing myself and putting my weight into an excel spreadsheet with a graph... I think my eating disorder is a manifestation of my extreme OCD behaviour

[AdamWW]

I find my ED behaviours the hardest to break: counting steps, counting every kcal, saving kcal for the evening, drinking coffee in the morning to supress my appetite, weighing myself and putting my weight into an excel spreadsheet with a graph... I think my eating disorder is a manifestation of my extreme OCD behaviour

They almost always go hand in hand

[ropeop]

how do I know if its an eating disorder or just addiction to carbs/sugar?

[AdamWW]

how do I know if its an eating disorder or just addiction to carbs/sugar?

....what?

[ropeop]

....what?

When I eat no carbs I'm just the way I want to be in life even if it's really low calories and when I start eating sugar or any carbs I end up binging and basically giving up on a lot of life stuff, some places say it's an eating disorder, some that it's addiction and I don't really know

[AdamWW]

When I eat no carbs I'm just the way I want to be in life even if it's really low calories and when I start eating sugar or any carbs I end up binging and basically giving up on a lot of life stuff, some places say it's an eating disorder, some that it's addiction and I don't really know

Why would you eat no carbs?

You're likely binging on carbs because you're restricting them. Stop restricting carbs and you'll stop binging on them.

[letsallmakeit]

ok guys so i have doubts. so if i count calories i do it inaccurate and not everyday. what i’m experiencing is that i’m getting stressed focusing in eating meals. i try to atleast eat 3 meals a day, but i still get the thoughts of food because i want to space my meals. another thing is that my appetite is so low. i force myself to eat sometimes and thinking that i need to eat when not hungry makes me anxious and stressed out. i stopped weighting myself constantly which is good, but have weighted myself sometimes and mostly i’m still the same weight. i would like to be hungry and eat eat eat and enjoy. i’m trying to stay in the present moment and not think of what i want to have later and this is something that also bring anxious and stress because thoughts still comes and most of the times i plan what to eat. funny because a lot of times i eat something different than what i planned to eat lol or eat what i planned, but switched some foods to something different. overall i have improved and feel happy about it, but sometimes i get stressed and anxious because i don’t have appetite and even tho i sometimes get thoughts about wanting to gain weight and sometimes i don’t want to, i say to myself that i really want too to improve in general and if i need to gain weight to be healthier then i’ll do it. i say “if” because i had hormonal imbalance while being heavier.