Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[CommitmentRulz]

I'm an awful person.

I'm not a good one to give "disordered eating" advice. But CBRIT89, I hope you don't really believe that. Because you are struggling in some area does NOT make you an awful person. It makes you human...

[CBRIT89]

I'm not a good one to give "disordered eating" advice. But CBRIT89, I hope you don't really believe that. Because you are struggling in some area does NOT make you an awful person. It makes you human...

To err is human, but to lie to your wife about your eating for three years is wrong. Mental health is not an excuse to be a bad person.

[AdamWW]

Yes, I do know much better. Sometimes I can't help it, but I honestly need to throw it out. The one thing I am scared about is getting fat again, and feel like people will judge me again, like I will just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. As I am writing this I am eating a big tub of ice cream lol and just had dinner an hour ago too. I am still responding to my body's needs but I always feel bad and guilty after eating so much food.

I also just have that personality to overthink and worry about the future, I always tend to do this with everything. Which is a bad trait I really wish to fix.

Thank you again Adam, just for always reassuring that everything will work itself out. I literally couldn't do this without the support you have offered me.

Thats the thing as well. I know I'm only 57kg, but like I feel like that is heavy, when in reality its bloody tiny. But I still perceive myself as 'fat'. I honestly need to change my mindset badly

Im always happy to help, but I do want you to keep in mind that the true test in recovery is to become 100% self-driven in supporting your efforts.

There will come a time where you need to be able to push yourself on your own, make the hard calls on your own, and trust the outcomes no matter who is or isn't there.

I can only do so much, even an in-person therapist cannot make the decisions for you; it has to be your choice, and your mind that steers the boat.

"The one thing I am scared about is getting fat again, and feel like people will judge me again, like I will just feel uncomfortable in my own skin"

And how do you know people judged you? How do you know what they actually felt about you?

I think something you're missing here is the ability to trust your body. Your body has no other agenda other than to maximize your health. Do you think people without restrictive eating disorders feel intense hunger 24/7? They dont... they might get specific cravings, but when people just live, go about their days, etc, they aren't overwhelmed with food thoughts because they are both nutritionally balanced AND they are mentally unshackled by the rules you have established.

I need to also stress that extreme hunger leaves when both nutritional AND mental rehabilitation happen; you can't just do one. You cannot JUST gain weight and expect the hunger signals to die down. It takes a commitment to banishing any negative thoughts in your head around food, weight, exercise, etc. If you mentally tell yourself "what im doing is bad.. this food is bad.. i'm going to be bad and fat because of this food", the cycle will continue needlessly.

Give yourself permission to accept that food is there, you can have it if you want it, and if you do, it doesn't matter. At any time on any day, you have permission. It's not bad, good, etc, it's just food. There's nothing special about it. You NEED it, of course, but since you're not restricted from it, you need not fear nor covet it like you have been.

[AdamWW]

To err is human, but to lie to your wife about your eating for three years is wrong. Mental health is not an excuse to be a bad person.

This is needless self-hate.

Let's say the tables were turned and your wife was struggling with a mental battle around food so strong that she couldn't control it.

Would you think she's a bad person? I doubt it. When you love someone, you accept their flaws (within reason of course), and you listen to them when they are in pain.

[CBRIT89]

Thanks Adam.

She's still in the "trying to understand" phase and isn't quite sure if she's doing and saying the right/wrong things and therefore paranoid about it, but she's been amazing.

8 days binge feee today. I'm eating like a normal person, but it's so hard. Especially when I'm on holiday.

[AdamWW]

Thanks Adam.

She's still in the "trying to understand" phase and isn't quite sure if she's doing and saying the right/wrong things and therefore paranoid about it, but she's been amazing.

8 days binge feee today. I'm eating like a normal person, but it's so hard. Especially when I'm on holiday.

Binges happen only when there is restriction of some kind.

Either literally or mentally, you're creating a restriction/rule-set in your life around foods you can/cannot or should/should not eat.

The binges will stop when you feel free from control... but that can take a while and it takes different steps for different people.

[Andrew578]

Im always happy to help, but I do want you to keep in mind that the true test in recovery is to become 100% self-driven in supporting your efforts.

There will come a time where you need to be able to push yourself on your own, make the hard calls on your own, and trust the outcomes no matter who is or isn't there.

I can only do so much, even an in-person therapist cannot make the decisions for you; it has to be your choice, and your mind that steers the boat.

"The one thing I am scared about is getting fat again, and feel like people will judge me again, like I will just feel uncomfortable in my own skin"

And how do you know people judged you? How do you know what they actually felt about you?

I think something you're missing here is the ability to trust your body. Your body has no other agenda other than to maximize your health. Do you think people without restrictive eating disorders feel intense hunger 24/7? They dont... they might get specific cravings, but when people just live, go about their days, etc, they aren't overwhelmed with food thoughts because they are both nutritionally balanced AND they are mentally unshackled by the rules you have established.

I need to also stress that extreme hunger leaves when both nutritional AND mental rehabilitation happen; you can't just do one. You cannot JUST gain weight and expect the hunger signals to die down. It takes a commitment to banishing any negative thoughts in your head around food, weight, exercise, etc. If you mentally tell yourself "what im doing is bad.. this food is bad.. i'm going to be bad and fat because of this food", the cycle will continue needlessly.

Give yourself permission to accept that food is there, you can have it if you want it, and if you do, it doesn't matter. At any time on any day, you have permission. It's not bad, good, etc, it's just food. There's nothing special about it. You NEED it, of course, but since you're not restricted from it, you need not fear nor covet it like you have been.

I used to get bullied a lot about being overweight (how I feel i got judged). But I fully understand where you are coming from. I need to support myself through this journey too, i need to stop relying on others because If it do i will be disappointed with the outcome.

I realised that I am the only person that can help me... and i need to forget all the crap and bull**** people tell me etc. Thanks

[AdamWW]

I used to get bullied a lot about being overweight (how I feel i got judged). But I fully understand where you are coming from. I need to support myself through this journey too, i need to stop relying on others because If it do i will be disappointed with the outcome.

I realised that I am the only person that can help me... and i need to forget all the crap and bull**** people tell me etc. Thanks

The thing is, you got 'judged' by silly children... they don't really make good judgement calls or have credible opinions. But, I know what you're saying, and I come from a similar place myself.

And just be aware, I'm not saying you shouldn't reach out for support, I'm just telling you that the true tests are those you put on yourself -- not when you ask for permission from other people.

I'm always happy to help in any way, I'm more-so challenging you to try and do things 100% Without external validation, because if you can do that -- you're going to make so much more progress. It can be a gradual thing, but I'm just suggesting you try it as much as you can... it's the fastest path to getting better.

[Andrew578]

The thing is, you got 'judged' by silly children... they don't really make good judgement calls or have credible opinions. But, I know what you're saying, and I come from a similar place myself.

And just be aware, I'm not saying you shouldn't reach out for support, I'm just telling you that the true tests are those you put on yourself -- not when you ask for permission from other people.

I'm always happy to help in any way, I'm more-so challenging you to try and do things 100% Without external validation, because if you can do that -- you're going to make so much more progress. It can be a gradual thing, but I'm just suggesting you try it as much as you can... it's the fastest path to getting better.

I understand where you are coming from. Thank you so much for the help you have provided me. Still eating ravenously and challenging that fukking ED voice in my head. When that voice says stop eating or don't eat that or put a little less cereal in the bowl. I challenge it and pour double the cereal or eat that food.

I realised the only way am I going to beat this to eat and trust my body, and not those voices in my head. If i put on 10,15,20kg so be it as long as I feel healthy and happy and enjoying the gym that is all that matters.

Thanks Adam!

[letsallmakeit]

heya guys, how you guys been doing? i have a doubt, what if i don’t have hunger? recently i haven’t had much hunger at all. i also started taking some carnitine or something like that by a doctor so idk if that actually supresses hunger. i have been having depression, stress and anxiety, but i’m possitive i will recover from my conditions and from the stuff i’m going thro now. i mention this because it’s possible that i have lost appetite because of this too. i sometimes feel like wanting to vomit :S

good thing is, i went to olive garden yesterday! i haven’t went out to eat in months! i felt so happy!

[AdamWW]

heya guys, how you guys been doing? i have a doubt, what if i don’t have hunger? recently i haven’t had much hunger at all. i also started taking some carnitine or something like that by a doctor so idk if that actually supresses hunger. i have been having depression, stress and anxiety, but i’m possitive i will recover from my conditions and from the stuff i’m going thro now. i mention this because it’s possible that i have lost appetite because of this too. i sometimes feel like wanting to vomit :S

good thing is, i went to olive garden yesterday! i haven’t went out to eat in months! i felt so happy!

Well if you have no hunger but you know you need to eat more, then eat more. You likely have a good sense of whether or not you've had enough to continue healing... so if in doubt, eat anyway to make sure.

[letsallmakeit]

Well if you have no hunger but you know you need to eat more, then eat more. You likely have a good sense of whether or not you've had enough to continue healing... so if in doubt, eat anyway to make sure.

thanks for replying!

[lmaoplanes]

Hey everyone,

I've been reading through the past 3 threads and come to realize I suffer with an eating disorder. I've gone through some rough times over the past couple years and really lost a lot of muscle chronically dieting/yo-yo-ing.

The things I realize I've lost: my sex drive, my personality, my friends.

The things I realized I've gained: dark circles, scowl on my face

Right now I know what I need to do and I just need to wait it out.

I store all my fat in my butt and hamstrings and I am really self conscious of it. I am so lopsided right now, my upper body is shredded but my lower body is fat. Hope things will even out over time. I used to have thick muscular legs so hopefully they will come back.

Honestly all I want to do is be at a healthy, productive weight, train like a beast because I love training, eat to perform, feel good, and live well. I really just want to eat normally, not over eat, nor under eat. I hope I can get to that point because I really do love training but I've perverted it over the years.

<3 you bros, we're all going to make it.

[letsallmakeit]

hey guys! so yesterday night i ate and was feeling full, but like almost right before bed, hunger started to kick in. i woke up in the middle of the night starving and couldn’t get my mind off food. so i went and ate something. now i’m like “if i ate in the middle of the night and since it’s another day. should i eat less today since that counts as next day (today) calories?”. :S

i think i’ve read something like this before around here.

i’m guessing you guys still eat normally, right?

[AdamWW]

hey guys! so yesterday night i ate and was feeling full, but like almost right before bed, hunger started to kick in. i woke up in the middle of the night starving and couldn’t get my mind off food. so i went and ate something. now i’m like “if i ate in the middle of the night and since it’s another day. should i eat less today since that counts as next day (today) calories?”. :S

i think i’ve read something like this before around here.

i’m guessing you guys still eat normally, right?

Eat whatever you crave, whenever you crave it, in whatever amount you crave. Every day for the rest of your life.

[letsallmakeit]

Eat whatever you crave, whenever you crave it, in whatever amount you crave. Every day for the rest of your life.

thanks a lot for replying!

[REXIEthedino]

Hey guys,
I have been following this forum for a long time now. My backstory: got anorexia when i was 14 and got severely underweight. I'm now, 22 "recovered" and at a healthy weight. Still counting every gram of food and scared to eat at social situations and with friends. I don't know how to stop tracking kcal and i am afraid of getting chubby again. I think about food all the time even though I'm not really hungry. I don't know why that is. I'm also quite a compulsive exerciser and hate not being able to move or exercise. I have the feeling that i have lost all my passions and old hobbies, like gaming, reading, watching documentaries etc

[AdamWW]

Hey guys,
I have been following this forum for a long time now. My backstory: got anorexia when i was 14 and got severely underweight. I'm now, 22 "recovered" and at a healthy weight. Still counting every gram of food and scared to eat at social situations and with friends. I don't know how to stop tracking kcal and i am afraid of getting chubby again. I think about food all the time even though I'm not really hungry. I don't know why that is. I'm also quite a compulsive exerciser and hate not being able to move or exercise. I have the feeling that i have lost all my passions and old hobbies, like gaming, reading, watching documentaries etc

If you're counting every gram of food and scared to eat in public, then you're not recovered. You're afraid of weight gain, thinking about food all the time... none of this is recovered behavior.

Maybe you gained enough weight to not be in immediate risk of dying, but that's not recovery. How do you know this weight is healthy FOR YOU? Frankly, if you're still having all these negative experiences, I would argue you're NOT at a healthy weight.

I think you need to get back into some kind of professional setting because fixing your disorder is about your MIND... it's not just about being in a certain arbitrary weight range.

[REXIEthedino]

I'm not sure how to find help because i don't think anyone would even believe that i have an eating disorder. It's just really hard because i value my self worth on my leanness. There was a time after my hospitalization where it was better but then i got into "fitness" and calorie counting and dropped like 10 kg in 4 months and now i hover at the same weight for around 2 years. I feel like **** but people tell me i look better because i don't have a "fat face" anymore. I abuse vegetables to feel full but the only thing it does is bloat me and give me stomach pain. I also drink coffee to suppress my appetite. I used to intermittent fast but i stopped doing it because it made me feel really lethargic.

[AdamWW]

I'm not sure how to find help because i don't think anyone would even believe that i have an eating disorder. It's just really hard because i value my self worth on my leanness. There was a time after my hospitalization where it was better but then i got into "fitness" and calorie counting and dropped like 10 kg in 4 months and now i hover at the same weight for around 2 years. I feel like **** but people tell me i look better because i don't have a "fat face" anymore. I abuse vegetables to feel full but the only thing it does is bloat me and give me stomach pain. I also drink coffee to suppress my appetite. I used to intermittent fast but i stopped doing it because it made me feel really lethargic.

What do you mean 'believe you'?

If you hire a therapist, they can't tell you you DONT have one... your weight doesn't decide if you have a mental illness. There are even OVERweight people with anorexia.

If you need help, GET IT...

Again, EVERYTHING you're saying is 100% disordered.

You need to either fix the issues on your own (which has a VERY low success rate) or get professional help. If you don't, you'll suffer indefinitely and waste years of your life away wishing you changed something.

You need to seriously change your habits, and that may include stopping 100% on any kind of exercise until you can decouple the food/exercise connection and get your life back.

[REXIEthedino]

What do you mean 'believe you'?

If you hire a therapist, they can't tell you you DONT have one... your weight doesn't decide if you have a mental illness. There are even OVERweight people with anorexia.

If you need help, GET IT...

Again, EVERYTHING you're saying is 100% disordered.

You need to either fix the issues on your own (which has a VERY low success rate) or get professional help. If you don't, you'll suffer indefinitely and waste years of your life away wishing you changed something.

You need to seriously change your habits, and that may include stopping 100% on any kind of exercise until you can decouple the food/exercise connection and get your life back.

What helped you to recover or get better? I always have the feeling that I have to portray an image to people because I'm into fitness and stuff and I'm afraid of what they will think when I gain weight. "Oh he let himself go, or omg did he stop working out". I also this weird fear of going to bed hungry and sort of saving food before bed. A bit like a squirrel who hoards his food before winter.

Maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea.

[AdamWW]

What helped you to recover or get better? I always have the feeling that I have to portray an image to people because I'm into fitness and stuff and I'm afraid of what they will think when I gain weight. "Oh he let himself go, or omg did he stop working out". I also this weird fear of going to bed hungry and sort of saving food before bed. A bit like a squirrel who hoards his food before winter.

Maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea.

I spoke with professionals, read books on it, and am challenging myself every day to force weight gain.

If you want I can share some contact info for people who do remote (phone based) consults and support therapy.

Everything you’re saying and much more are all habits I have had to work on breaking because it consumed my every thought for over a decade and kept me prisoner in my own body.

[letsallmakeit]

so right now i’m 6’ 152.5. do you guys think hormonal imbalance could be done at this weight?

I’m having three troubles right now.

1) i’m not hungry and forcing myself makes me depressed and think about food because i need to eat.

2) i still focus too much in having protein in each meal instead of having a something that does not or too little.

3) idk if it’s body dysmorphia or w/e, but when i look at myself in the mirror i look more soft and fat even tho i weight almost and or the same.

[AdamWW]

so right now i’m 6’ 152.5. do you guys think hormonal imbalance could be done at this weight?

I’m having three troubles right now.

1) i’m not hungry and forcing myself makes me depressed and think about food because i need to eat.

2) i still focus too much in having protein in each meal instead of having a something that does not or too little.

3) idk if it’s body dysmorphia or w/e, but when i look at myself in the mirror i look more soft and fat even tho i weight almost and or the same.

You could potentially have bad hormones at any weight... have to get a blood test.

1) Why does it make you depressed? If you're not hungry, what kinds of things are you trying to eat? Are you actually eating what you crave, or are you still eating only 'healthy' things?

2) Well, this is an issue then, and you should stop it. Nothing wrong with protein, but you already said what the problem is... so... seems like you know how to fix it.

3) That's water.

[letsallmakeit]

You could potentially have bad hormones at any weight... have to get a blood test.

1) Why does it make you depressed? If you're not hungry, what kinds of things are you trying to eat? Are you actually eating what you crave, or are you still eating only 'healthy' things?

2) Well, this is an issue then, and you should stop it. Nothing wrong with protein, but you already said what the problem is... so... seems like you know how to fix it.

3) That's water.

1) i still eat balanced, i’m eating more freely. thing is, i just don’t feel hungry, i don’t have much cravings or interest in eating like i did before. tbh, i don’t like to force myself to eat.

2) yeah. it’s just since i don’t track accurately and or not at all, well idk if i’m consuming enough protein for the day.

3) true.

btw, how you guys been?

[AdamWW]

1) i still eat balanced, i’m eating more freely. thing is, i just don’t feel hungry, i don’t have much cravings or interest in eating like i did before. tbh, i don’t like to force myself to eat.

2) yeah. it’s just since i don’t track accurately and or not at all, well idk if i’m consuming enough protein for the day.

3) true.

btw, how you guys been?

Im good. Just got my bloodwork back and my test levels are now back in normal range =o)

[letsallmakeit]

Im good. Just got my bloodwork back and my test levels are now back in normal range =o)

for reals? nice mate! good job! did you managed to reach a healthy weight? how do feel from start to now?

[AdamWW]

for reals? nice mate! good job! did you managed to reach a healthy weight? how do feel from start to now?

Well what are you defining as a 'healthy' weight?

A 'healthy' weight is whatever I end up being after ALL my recovery weight gain is done... im still gaining weight, so i'm no where near done.

I'm farther from the 'danger zone', but I know I'm far from the where I'll end up at, which is cool with me.

I absolutely feel much better, but I know I have a long path ahead, and I'll only continue to feel better.

I have zero issues with gaining the weight now... zero care about abs, etc... my main issue is fixing habits that are hard to identify, but it's getting easier every day.

[letsallmakeit]

Well what are you defining as a 'healthy' weight?

A 'healthy' weight is whatever I end up being after ALL my recovery weight gain is done... im still gaining weight, so i'm no where near done.

I'm farther from the 'danger zone', but I know I'm far from the where I'll end up at, which is cool with me.

I absolutely feel much better, but I know I have a long path ahead, and I'll only continue to feel better.

I have zero issues with gaining the weight now... zero care about abs, etc... my main issue is fixing habits that are hard to identify, but it's getting easier every day.

so by what you’re saying is that one have reached a healthy weight when they feel good? sounds good too me. i go by both, by how i feel and by numbers, but i go by numbers usually because i constantly read that low weight causes issues.

i’m slowly leaving this number thing behind and just go by how i feel.

tbh, i have been feeling way better. i have improved a lot. the not feeling hungry and lost interest in eating becausd of not feeling hungry is a bit depressing too be honest. yeah i get hungry sometimes, but def not like i used too. i’m a bit worried that if i listen to my body and eat when hungry, i might go for several hours without eating, but tbh i’m accepting this slowly and eat when hungry

[AdamWW]

so by what you’re saying is that one have reached a healthy weight when they feel good? sounds good too me. i go by both, by how i feel and by numbers, but i go by numbers usually because i constantly read that low weight causes issues.

i’m slowly leaving this number thing behind and just go by how i feel.

tbh, i have been feeling way better. i have improved a lot. the not feeling hungry and lost interest in eating becausd of not feeling hungry is a bit depressing too be honest. yeah i get hungry sometimes, but def not like i used too. i’m a bit worried that if i listen to my body and eat when hungry, i might go for several hours without eating, but tbh i’m accepting this slowly and eat when hungry

A ‘healthy’ weight means:

The weight you can maintain with zero restrictions on food intake, and without using exercise to ‘control’ it.

It also means a weight where hormones, blood chemistry, sleep, and energy are optimized.

Essentially, it’s the weight you’d be at if you took zero action to try to control or manipulate your body’s appearance or weight through food or exercise control.

However, when you come from an ED, that weight takes a long time to reach, and I know I’m not there yet because I don’t have all those details taken care of.