Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[Grappa]

I have to remind myself of this, as my brain has been falling into old habits and ways of thinking recently. Cardio being the big sticking point. I'm so used to forcing it on myself to "stay lean" and earn my food (especially after a bigger meal or cheat meal)

I'm struggling really really hard mentally and emotionally with the bodyfat I've recently added. It's just making me crazy. I'm so used to having a six pack and being mega lean all the time. As I've let up on the cardio and added food to my diet over the last month or 2 my abs are fading. Have i gained muscle? Yes, and my strength is on point every workout. But I feel like a lesser version of myself, and I get depressed and extremely insecure around the added weight. Some of my clothes are tighter in the waist, and I can feel things have changed. I'm still lean, and a raging ectomorphic body type but I'm not the ripped guy I have been for most of my life.

How do those of you who have gone from lean and ripped to adding some bodyfat feel ok about it? One minute I'm feeling good, like I'm on the right path. The next I start questioning if I've made a huge mistake. It feels awful. Yet I know the life I was living-constant restricting-over training/binge eating on the weekends-obessing over my body etc, is not the answer and was what led me to this point. Having a hard time here guys.

I feel crazy for letting something so trivial rule my happiness. Trying to change that, but damn the ED voice is loud and screaming in my ear constantly.

You should be proud of yourself, you are becoming stronger! Abs is not the center of the world. Abs is not your identity.

[Bonnappe]

@fretslayer

What helps me the most, is keeping busy with real world stuff. I try my hardest to not sit alone and wonder about nutrition, how my body looks etc. and just force myself to do other stuff and spend more time with normal people (people not into fitness)

[AdamWW]

@fretslayer

What helps me the most, is keeping busy with real world stuff. I try my hardest to not sit alone and wonder about nutrition, how my body looks etc. and just force myself to do other stuff and spend more time with normal people (people not into fitness)

Yup... I do this as well.

[fretslayer]

You should be proud of yourself, you are becoming stronger! Abs is not the center of the world. Abs is not your identity.

@fretslayer

What helps me the most, is keeping busy with real world stuff. I try my hardest to not sit alone and wonder about nutrition, how my body looks etc. and just force myself to do other stuff and spend more time with normal people (people not into fitness)

Yup... I do this as well.

Cheers guys, appreciate the replies. I actually was a lot more social this weekend than I have been in a while and it felt really good. But damn as soon as I get some down time and I'm alone it seems more often than not I start spiraling downwards. Doing my best to focus on the positives (added muscle, more energy, strength) and not dwell on the one thing, which in the big picture is so minor and truly unimportant. Easier said than done, but damn I want it. I truly want to change!

Thanks again everyone.

[AdamWW]

Cheers guys, appreciate the replies. I actually was a lot more social this weekend than I have been in a while and it felt really good. But damn as soon as I get some down time and I'm alone it seems more often than not I start spiraling downwards. Doing my best to focus on the positives (added muscle, more energy, strength) and not dwell on the one thing, which in the big picture is so minor and truly unimportant. Easier said than done, but damn I want it. I truly want to change!

Thanks again everyone.

Takes time man. Just celebrate small victories.

Never get down on yourself if you relapse, just carry on. Life happens... we make mistakes. I'll all good and we'll all heal in the long run. Just make sure to keep your chin up and the eye on the prize.

Don't forget to practice self-love, not self-hate! Even if that means staring at yourself in mirror and telling yourself how awesome you are. I know it sounds dumb, but not enough of us appreciate who we are, and punish ourselves needlessly.

[AdamWW]

Just a tidbit... I was curious what level my calories were at, so I loosely estimated yesterday and uh... yeah... that's a lot

Not surprised really but feeling good that I'm able to roughly estimate it and be OK eating so much.

Progress!

[Bentley41]

Do you guys think counting calories feeds EDs?

[AdamWW]

Do you guys think counting calories feeds EDs?

Depends on your ED and your triggers.

In most cases though, in my opinion, yes...

[Bentley41]

Depends on your ED and your triggers.

In most cases though, in my opinion, yes...

what about like carb cycling?

[Nate118]

@Bentley41

Anything that is 'rule based' feeds EDs.

[AdamWW]

what about like carb cycling?

Again, it all depends on your ED and your triggers. Not everyone is the same.

But in general if you do this and you have an ED, you're talking about enabling new controls on eating habits that are, in the themselves, 'disordered' because they are extreme in their controlling aspects.

If someone is restricting, controlling, meticulously planning, obsessing... or anything like that... by adding MORE specifics to the situation, by putting in more rules, or guidelines (ANYTHING that allows the mind to think more actively about food or eating habits) you are going to perpetuate the negative cycle... it's not encouraged. The goal is stop actively/constantly thinking about food and to live a balanced, intuitive and normal life... not one where you have to plan and control nutrients or calories or food types.

Why would you want to carb cycle anyway? Why do Keto? Why do any of that? Will it make you happier? Healthier? Live longer? Will you like yourself more? Will you be somehow PROUD of it?

[Bentley41]

I just broke again, it wasn't too bad, but I still managed probably 3k cals in less than an hour over my daily intake of 2400. I just broke on Saturday, usually I go like a week, but idk what it was tonight... I'm not going to purge or anything, imma just pretend it never happened aside from trying to find help.
I'm really glad I found this thread

[MosToorani]

I just broke again, it wasn't too bad, but I still managed probably 3k cals in less than an hour over my daily intake of 2400. I just broke on Saturday, usually I go like a week, but idk what it was tonight... I'm not going to purge or anything, imma just pretend it never happened aside from trying to find help.
I'm really glad I found this thread

If I'm a skinny tw**, workout lightly in the gym and have a desk job, eating 2.7k cals everyday... why are you eating at such a low amount?

Maybe that's what triggers the binge episodes?

I used to have these binge thoughts during the low intake (like 2 weeks ago) almost all day, everyday but once i increased the intake to 2.7k .. I have the thought maybe like once or twice a WEEK and the thought lasts for like 5 mins.

Have you tried increasing intake? are you cutting? Once again, why such a low intake? I don't want to sound like i'm contradicting myself or a hypocrite, but the advice that I received from the guys here of increasing intake has helped massively. Yes, I look softer than before but IDGAF because I FEEL much better!

MT

[AdamWW]

If I'm a skinny tw**, workout lightly in the gym and have a desk job, eating 2.7k cals everyday... why are you eating at such a low amount?

Maybe that's what triggers the binge episodes?

I used to have these binge thoughts during the low intake (like 2 weeks ago) almost all day, everyday but once i increased the intake to 2.7k .. I have the thought maybe like once or twice a WEEK and the thought lasts for like 5 mins.

Have you tried increasing intake? are you cutting? Once again, why such a low intake? I don't want to sound like i'm contradicting myself or a hypocrite, but the advice that I received from the guys here of increasing intake has helped massively. Yes, I look softer than before but IDGAF because I FEEL much better!

MT

Gotta agree here.. you look pretty muscular, and you're 5' 10" and 180+ pounds... yet you eat way less than I did before I started ramping up my food intake and I weigh(ed) 135 at 6 feet tall...


2400 calories is like 2 standards meals for me... i'd be starving on that calorie level.

[MosToorani]

Gotta agree here.. you look pretty muscular, and you're 5' 10" and 180+ pounds... yet you eat way less than I did before I started ramping up my food intake and I weigh(ed) 135 at 6 feet tall...


2400 calories is like 2 standards meals for me... i'd be starving on that calorie level.

And to add to what Adam said here and what Grappa said previously..

Appreciate the increased food .. Use it as energy for whatever activity you're doing or NOT even doing.

I wake up almost everyday feeling bloated and my loose skin 'filled' up .. but I seriously don't care anymore .. After years of restricting, since 2009 to be exact, I've reached to a level of absolute frustration and not giving a single fu** if I gain weight or not .. the most important aspect for me now is to gain strength in the gym .. I'm tired of feeling weak and I'm also tired of feeling mentally fatigued!

Yes, i still track calories bla bla but I enjoy the other benefits of increased intake .. and hopefully soon, I'll stop tracking and just base my intake intuitively ..

MT

[Groce]

Do you guys think counting calories feeds EDs?

100%

Those TDEE calculators especially, combine it with some of the 'advice' I regularly see on here given to noobs who want to cut and it's a recipe for undereating/eating disorders.

[Bonnappe]

@MosToorani some people operate just fine on 2400 kcals, even gain weight, everyone is different. Not everyone should aim for skyhigh AdamW level calories, some people just are less active

[MosToorani]

@MosToorani some people operate just fine on 2400 kcals, even gain weight, everyone is different. Not everyone should aim for skyhigh AdamW level calories, some people just are less active

I agree with your statement.

I used to gain weight on 2,100 cals on rest days and 2,300 cals on workout days .. but I felt like shi* .. Physically and mentally ..

I got demotivated by the thought of going to the gym .. fatigued all the time .. tired .. bored with life .. ditched working out many times.. felt like i needed a break from life .. you get me?

But then, i bumped cals to 2,700 on both rest days and gym days .. never felt better .. I'm sure I've gained weight but I haven't checked the scale and I don't care much to be honest ..

I'm finally enjoying even the thought of going to the gym. strength is coming back (although i was gaining weight on the previous intake, strength was going down! Especially on the bench!)

What I'm trying to say is .. maybe his intake of 2.4k is what is leading to the binges? because i certainly had many, many thoughts of binging, i just fought it .. I don't have these thoughts anymore and I'm attributing it to the increased intake, especially fat macros.

MT

[Grappa]

Gotta agree here.. you look pretty muscular, and you're 5' 10" and 180+ pounds... yet you eat way less than I did before I started ramping up my food intake and I weigh(ed) 135 at 6 feet tall...


2400 calories is like 2 standards meals for me... i'd be starving on that calorie level.

This.Even if i would not been hypermetabolic i still would eat at least 4k a day.

[Grappa]

Do you guys think counting calories feeds EDs?

Depends, i never was into the fitness macro counter world, i count only when my med team ask me cuz my weight gain is too slow, or plateus. But i hate it, it is boring, time consuming, and i fking hate to do it. To be honest, i have better things to do rather than measuring my food.

[Bentley41]

@MosToorani some people operate just fine on 2400 kcals, even gain weight, everyone is different. Not everyone should aim for skyhigh AdamW level calories, some people just are less active

eh I'm trying to cut. Maybe I'll try 2500 and see if I still lose

[Grappa]

eh I'm trying to cut. Maybe I'll try 2500 and see if I still lose

You can not recover from an ED if u are in a deficit. Your neurotransmitters will not going to heal.

[Bentley41]

You can not recover from an ED if u are in a deficit. Your neurotransmitters will not going to heal.

srs? How long does it take?

[Grappa]

srs? How long does it take?

Depends, months, even years.

[AdamWW]

srs? How long does it take?

Don't get hung up on the time it takes.

If you like food, you get to eat food. This should be a good thing.

[fretslayer]

Takes time man. Just celebrate small victories.

Never get down on yourself if you relapse, just carry on. Life happens... we make mistakes. I'll all good and we'll all heal in the long run. Just make sure to keep your chin up and the eye on the prize.

Don't forget to practice self-love, not self-hate! Even if that means staring at yourself in mirror and telling yourself how awesome you are. I know it sounds dumb, but not enough of us appreciate who we are, and punish ourselves needlessly.

Thanks for the feedback and support. It all helps, and even the smallest bit of reassurance right now is huge. I'm basically re-programming 20+ years worth of neurological pathways, I can't expect it to be a "quick" process. Self love is something I certainly don't do enough of and would benefit from more of in my life. Baby steps. This thread is a great resource/help. Thanks again.

[AdamWW]

Thanks for the feedback and support. It all helps, and even the smallest bit of reassurance right now is huge. I'm basically re-programming 20+ years worth of neurological pathways, I can't expect it to be a "quick" process. Self love is something I certainly don't do enough of and would benefit from more of in my life. Baby steps. This thread is a great resource/help. Thanks again.

Try and just take a deep breath when you can and don't expect magic overnight.

I'm definitely a firm believer in cold-turkey approaches for ED recovery because you do need to slap yourself in the face to a degree... taking baby steps kind of enables the problem to keep coming back.

However, it's better to simply take the big steps and then learn to deal with setbacks and get right back on the horse than spinning your wheels forever.

EVERYONE slips up... no one does it perfectly... no one.

[sonnydfrizzy]

A lot of you are currently in recovery from your EDs and I think it is fantastic to read and see progress.

However, coming from someone who has been through recovery, try not to assume your recovery process, food intake, mindset, etc is the same for someone else. Everyone's recovery is different and WE ALL KNOW intuitively what we personally need to address in order to recover.

That being said, I will say some things that are NOT conducive to normal eating and recovery:

- eating in isolation
- tracking macros/calories
- lifting and exercising daily
- prolonged fasting
- excessive use of low calorie foods and condiments
- abusing food volume
- "safe food" lists

So please, do not force what you are currently doing on someone else. Let them honestly evaluate their mindset and openly state how their disorder has manifested itself and what brings them stress and anxiety and enables their disorder.

PS: focusing on calorie intake is never the answer

[MosToorani]

I prefer taking small steps .. I don't want to get shell shocked to the extent that it might affect other aspects of my life such as work because work at the moment is very important to me.

Just my opinion, anyways.

MT

[fretslayer]

Try and just take a deep breath when you can and don't expect magic overnight.

I'm definitely a firm believer in cold-turkey approaches for ED recovery because you do need to slap yourself in the face to a degree... taking baby steps kind of enables the problem to keep coming back.

However, it's better to simply take the big steps and then learn to deal with setbacks and get right back on the horse than spinning your wheels forever.

EVERYONE slips up... no one does it perfectly... no one.

A lot of you are currently in recovery from your EDs and I think it is fantastic to read and see progress.

However, coming from someone who has been through recovery, try not to assume your recovery process, food intake, mindset, etc is the same for someone else. Everyone's recovery is different and WE ALL KNOW intuitively what we personally need to address in order to recover.

That being said, I will say some things that are NOT conducive to normal eating and recovery:

- eating in isolation
- tracking macros/calories
- lifting and exercising daily
- prolonged fasting
- excessive use of low calorie foods and condiments
- abusing food volume
- "safe food" lists

So please, do not force what you are currently doing on someone else. Let them honestly evaluate their mindset and openly state how their disorder has manifested itself and what brings them stress and anxiety and enables their disorder.

PS: focusing on calorie intake is never the answer

Thanks guys, doing my best to stay focused and make the changes needed. This again is brand new, so I'm educating myself and gathering any tools I can to battle this beast. It's grown quite large and powerful over the years.

@sonnydfrizzy

Good to see you on here, I've been reading through the "2nd edition" of this thread and see you and Eriktheelectric in there tons, going through your stuggles. Seems like you're doing well currently. What happened to Determined? He was a sort of mod figure in there. Is he still around??