Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[MosToorani]

@Nate

That's an interesting point ..

My brother became anorexic during high school for footballing (soccer) reasons .. but he snapped out of it 'naturally' ..

The way he describes it is .. "I just woke up one day and said fuk it .. I'll just gain weight" .. and he did ..

I'm not anorexic.. I'm just 'worried', not afraid, but worried that I would gain weight, of which mostly will be fat .. That's why I'm determined to do a lean bulk in order to make sure that at least a good ratio of that weight gain is muscle ..

I'm seriously fed-up and frustrated of being weak at the gym .. feeling cold all the time .. and my face looking like a zombie ..

MT

[Grappa]

@Nate

That's an interesting point ..

My brother became anorexic during high school for footballing (soccer) reasons .. but he snapped out of it 'naturally' ..

The way he describes it is .. "I just woke up one day and said fuk it .. I'll just gain weight" .. and he did ..

I'm not anorexic.. I'm just 'worried', not afraid, but worried that I would gain weight, of which mostly will be fat .. That's why I'm determined to do a lean bulk in order to make sure that at least a good ratio of that weight gain is muscle ..

I'm seriously fed-up and frustrated of being weak at the gym .. feeling cold all the time .. and my face looking like a zombie ..

MT

You are not "anorexic" physically yet, but mentally you are.

[MosToorani]

You are not "anorexic" physically yet, but mentally you are.

That makes sense to an extent .. And I am on my way of snapping out of it .. I'm determined to!

P.s My OCD doesn't just revolve around food/weight gain .. It's in my life in general ..

From washing/cleaning my hands to how things are arranged in my room/office/car ..

MT

[Grappa]

That makes sense to an extent .. And I am on my way of snapping out of it .. I'm determined to!

P.s My OCD doesn't just revolve around food/weight gain .. It's in my life in general ..

From washing/cleaning my hands to how things are arranged in my room/office/car ..

MT

Ocd is linked to a malnourished brain, and damaged neurotransmitters, i have kept things arranged/clean/tidy during my worst, once i have chosen active recovery this changed, my room is a fking mess as was pre ed, i do not give a fk about where i put down my clothes, where i put things on my table i just put them there and that's it. Same if i am making food, i am not serparating everything like on that stupid ig pics where vegs/cars/meat is separated, i just throw the stuf fin and eat it.

[MosToorani]

@Grappa

I guess I'm just a tidy person? haha

Nevertheless, I'll be providing weekly weigh-in updates along with progress in the gym to hold my self accountable .. Would that be a good first step to my recovery?

MT

[Grappa]

@Grappa

I guess I'm just a tidy person? haha

Nevertheless, I'll be providing weekly weigh-in updates along with progress in the gym to hold my self accountable .. Would that be a good first step to my recovery?

MT

Nope u are not clean, who the fk likes to tidy his surrounding 24/7? First steps? Well, do not live in denial, be brave and eat more what u are eating now, throw away your scales, quit counting calories and eat for your performance/ how u feel on a daily basis.

[MosToorani]

@Grappa

Definitely easier said than done.. Going cold turkey immediately is difficult and you know best..

I'm not able to trust my brain at the moment and eat whatever I want, whenever I want because I crave everything at all times..

What I can do however is slowly increase my body weight until I feel comfortable mentally.. and I can only do that by counting calories...

I know, you think I'm stupid for doing this and being in denial bla bla .. But this is how I am ... I prefer to plan rather than fail..

MT

[Grappa]

@Grappa

Definitely easier said than done.. Going cold turkey immediately is difficult and you know best..

I'm not able to trust my brain at the moment and eat whatever I want, whenever I want because I crave everything at all times..

What I can do however is slowly increase my body weight until I feel comfortable mentally.. and I can only do that by counting calories...

I know, you think I'm stupid for doing this and being in denial bla bla .. But this is how I am ... I prefer to plan rather than fail..

MT

You are not stupid, but u are in denial. Going cold turkey is the way to go if u want to beat an ED, it does not listen to kind words bro. You should be brave, and not a pussy and take this approach. Yes you will gain fat, but you will RECOVER MENTALLY. As i have said before, i would rather be obese that experience my own death again. Also until your dick erecting hormones not skyrocketing you are unable to put on mass, sorry, but this is the truth. YOu have made your body your bitch, it takes revenge. Your body requires time/ a lot of energy to trust you again.

[MosToorani]

Yes, you're right and I agree as I have before.. But it's not mentally easy for me to let go of all my controls immediately.

I'm doing it slowly at a pace where I feel comfortable.

With regards to my dick (haha!), I've already increased my fat intake and I'm planning to keep it at a level where my hormones would become stable again.

I will gain weight .. I will gain fat .. I swear I will! I'm just doing it at a controlled pace, that's all.

[AdamWW]

@Grappa

Definitely easier said than done.. Going cold turkey immediately is difficult and you know best..

I'm not able to trust my brain at the moment and eat whatever I want, whenever I want because I crave everything at all times..

What I can do however is slowly increase my body weight until I feel comfortable mentally.. and I can only do that by counting calories...

I know, you think I'm stupid for doing this and being in denial bla bla .. But this is how I am ... I prefer to plan rather than fail..

MT

The planning itself is one of the problems... you're not fixing the issue by giving the disorder a new name.

We've all said it already... you're focusing on the wrong things.

Stop. Using. Scales.

Stop. Counting. Everything.

Your OCD is feeding your body and food issues. If anything, you could be making it worse because you're just going to spin your wheels. You have control problems, and now you're taking a bulk - an opportunity to get stronger and enjoy yourself - and turning into a math equation.

It's the same damn disorder...

[Grappa]

Yes, you're right and I agree as I have before.. But it's not mentally easy for me to let go of all my controls immediately.

I'm doing it slowly at a pace where I feel comfortable.

With regards to my dick (haha!), I've already increased my fat intake and I'm planning to keep it at a level where my hormones would become stable again.

I will gain weight .. I will gain fat .. I swear I will! I'm just doing it at a controlled pace, that's all.

Beeing comfortable just going to feed your ED. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR COMFORT ZONE!!!!!!

[MosToorani]

@Adam and Grappa

It's difficult guys!

It's not as easy as you're making it out to be! I just need a bit of time!

First, let me be comfortable with gaining weight, then I can get rid of my OCD of controlling my intake..

I need time! I completely agree with what you guys are saying!

[AdamWW]

@Adam and Grappa

It's difficult guys!

It's not as easy as you're making it out to be! I just need a bit of time!

First, let me be comfortable with gaining weight, then I can get rid of my OCD of controlling my intake..

I need time! I completely agree with what you guys are saying!

Not as easy as we think?

What are you talking about?

I'm IN recovery right now! You think it isn't hard for me??? Of course it's hard... I'm living it every day. But that's what it takes.

And grappa has been through all of it and almost died in the process. You think he doesn't know how hard it is???

Stop assuming you're a snowflake who deserves a free pass. You're just enabling yourself.

What if a bulimic told you, "I'll just gag myself with my thumb instead of my index finger... that's an improvement." Does that sound like progress? That's what you're doing... you're relying on the same controls that are ruining your thought process around your body and your diet and calling it something else.

You're using this scientific crap to justify MORE controls and you'll end up right where you started in a few months or weeks.

This is how recovery works. We've been saying this for several pages. It's not enough to just admit you have a problem if you wanna get better. It's a step in the right direction, but you're ignoring our advice entirely even when some of us have had lots of formal, clinical treatments and can offer valuable input.

[Grappa]

@Adam and Grappa

It's difficult guys!

It's not as easy as you're making it out to be! I just need a bit of time!

First, let me be comfortable with gaining weight, then I can get rid of my OCD of controlling my intake..

I need time! I completely agree with what you guys are saying!

If you would agree with us, you would not do what u are doing now. Also, every1 has a setpont weight where he/she should be genetically, mine is 10 kg heavier than me right now. How i know it? First of all that was my weight pre ed, and how i performed at that weight. When i was 15-16 year old i have competed at featherweight division, my roundhouse kick produced 500 kg force and my leg accelerated with 120 km/h. At the age of 17 i have went up to welterweight, which is 2 weight class above than feather, my kick there produced 680kg force which is enough to stop your heart from beating... and my leg travelled with 190 km/h, i have gained weight, gained force and gained speed... I have performed better when i was heavier.

[Grappa]

"I'll just gag myself with my thumb instead of my index finger... that's an improvement." Fk maan, i have spit my drink to my keyboard xDDD JESUS I HAVE LOL ED FKING HARD XDDDDDDD

[AdamWW]

"I'll just gag myself with my thumb instead of my index finger... that's an improvement." Fk maan, i have spit my drink to my keyboard xDDD JESUS I HAVE LOL ED FKING HARD XDDDDDDD

lol it's the best could do ;-)

[Grappa]

@Mos as Adam mentioned is is fking hard and we know it well it is. But imagine your ED as a worst school bully ever. What would u do with him? Beat the **** out from it, or live in terror?. And keep in mind, restriction is not NATURAL. Starvation can turn humans into beasts. My great-grandfather have told me what he seen during ww2. Friendly soldiers started to KILL EACH OTHER FOR FOOD. Soldiers started to eat DEAD SOLDIERS. This is where starvation can lead.

[MosToorani]

@Adam & Grappa

I apologize for what I said .. I did not intend it to come out the way it did. I'm sorry.

My fear is what if I do let go of all these controls, gain weight at a pace that I'm not comfortable with and the trigger starts all over again, feeling uncomfortable again with the way I look and start reducing calories? That's what I'm mainly worried about.

I'm scared of letting go, gaining too much weight that would resort to me reducing calories and trying to lose weight again.. That, to me, is spinning my wheels ..

At the moment, my main focus is to gain weight and strength .. to bulk at a pace where I feel comfortable mentally.. I'm sorry but that's my main focus right now..

If i gain too much weight too soon then I KNOW ILL START THINKING OF LOSING WEIGHT AGAIN.

[MosToorani]

Also .. I just wanted to ask guys ..

What's the difference between us and those who count their calories and do a controlled bulk/cut? I don't want to sound negative but I just want to know your thoughts/opinions about them.

MT

[Grappa]

@Adam & Grappa

I apologize for what I said .. I did not intend it to come out the way it did. I'm sorry.

My fear is what if I do let go of all these controls, gain weight at a pace that I'm not comfortable with and the trigger starts all over again, feeling uncomfortable again with the way I look and start reducing calories? That's what I'm mainly worried about.

I'm scared of letting go, gaining too much weight that would resort to me reducing calories and trying to lose weight again.. That, to me, is spinning my wheels ..

At the moment, my main focus is to gain weight and strength .. to bulk at a pace where I feel comfortable mentally.. I'm sorry but that's my main focus right now..

If i gain too much weight too soon then I KNOW ILL START THINKING OF LOSING WEIGHT AGAIN.

You have to face your fears in order to beat them. Do not run away from your problems, solve them. I had to learn this in a hard way...

[Grappa]

Also .. I just wanted to ask guys ..

What's the difference between us and those who count their calories and do a controlled bulk/cut? I don't want to sound negative but I just want to know your thoughts/opinions about them.

MT

Do you get payed how u look? They are earing money from selling their bodies. The avg person does not have a single idea what calorie is. I had no idea what the heck is calories until my dietitian mentioned how much should i eat to gain.

[MosToorani]

Do you get payed how u look? They are earing money from selling their bodies.

That's what I tell myself everyday as I fight this ED.. I don't want to be stage lean, I just want to look normal... and by normal, i mean strong as fuk with muscles BUT without a beer belly haha

[Grappa]

That's what I tell myself everyday as I fight this ED.. I don't want to be stage lean, I just want to look normal... and by normal, i mean strong as fuk with muscles BUT without a beer belly haha

Than go bear mode maybe?

[MosToorani]

Than go bear mode maybe?

I'd love to..

I'm already at a high body fat percentage due to lack of muscle mass ..

If I go bear mode, I'll just gain a lot of fat.. I want to gain fat, but not a lot! That's what I'm trying to control.

MT

[Grappa]

I'd love to..

I'm already at a high body fat percentage due to lack of muscle mass ..

If I go bear mode, I'll just gain a lot of fat.. I want to gain fat, but not a lot! That's what I'm trying to control.

MT

You have to lose control, especially in recovery. Plus if u approach things like this : eat to perform better, your midset around food going to change. More food = morea fuel = better performance. I have done sports in competetive levels, it is all about performance. How fast u are, how much force you can produce, how you can dodge, mastering fighting technics etc.

[AdamWW]

Also .. I just wanted to ask guys ..

What's the difference between us and those who count their calories and do a controlled bulk/cut? I don't want to sound negative but I just want to know your thoughts/opinions about them.

MT

The difference is they're not posting in an ED forum admitting how fearful they are. Many of them DO have disordered thoughts around food, but they're not using food restriction or manipulation as a means to cope with OCD, body image issues, etc

But actually, the concept of tracking everything you eat IS disordered, it's just not always a full blown ED. It comes down to how YOU feel about it... and clearly it consumes a ton of your focus.

If you asked anyone of them if they're were afraid, they probably aren't, at least not many of them... they track because they're want to slow bulk, but I'm willing to bet they aren't constantly worrying about increasing by more than 100 calories, etc.


But then again, why are comparing yourself to them? Do you like the idea of writing down everything you put in your mouth? Does it make food taste better?

[MosToorani]

@Grappa

Yes, I fully understand that a higher intake will mean higher energy and hence I'll be able to go "beast mode" in the gym. But that unfortunately comes at a cost of higher fat gain than muscle gain if the energy surplus is way too much...

@Adam .. Im not afraid of that extra 100 calories and I'm certainly not afraid of gain an adequate amount of weight.

Nevertheless, I come from a family that were genetically predisposed to gaining weight/fat easily. My uncles and aunts are all obese. Literally. Yes, they're probably sedentary most of the time but they are technically obese or at least overweight.

We're not blessed by great genetics. Almost everyone in my family is faced with issues such as high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure etc. Heck, I've had uncles and aunts that passed away from cancer who weren't even smokers or drinkers or had any habits that would effect negatively on their health. They just got cancer and passed away.

What I'm trying to say here is that, I want to gain weight and strength but at an acceptable rate because I know that my genetics aren't great and I know that if I gain weight too fast too soon then it will mostly be fat and I won't be able to accept it. I'll eventually revert to trying to lose weight once again and Im certainly not prepared to cut calories to do that!

Therefore, I'd like to go on a lean bulk for as long as I can because I love food and I don't want to cut back on the amount I eat.

MT

[AdamWW]

@Grappa

Yes, I fully understand that a higher intake will mean higher energy and hence I'll be able to go "beast mode" in the gym. But that unfortunately comes at a cost of higher fat gain than muscle gain if the energy surplus is way too much...

@Adam .. Im not afraid of that extra 100 calories and I'm certainly not afraid of gain an adequate amount of weight.

Nevertheless, I come from a family that were genetically predisposed to gaining weight/fat easily. My uncles and aunts are all obese. Literally. Yes, they're probably sedentary most of the time but they are technically obese or at least overweight.

We're not blessed by great genetics. Almost everyone in my family is faced with issues such as high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure etc. Heck, I've had uncles and aunts that passed away from cancer who weren't even smokers or drinkers or had any habits that would effect negatively on their health. They just got cancer and passed away.

What I'm trying to say here is that, I want to gain weight and strength but at an acceptable rate because I know that my genetics aren't great and I know that if I gain weight too fast too soon then it will mostly be fat and I won't be able to accept it. I'll eventually revert to trying to lose weight once again and Im certainly not prepared to cut calories to do that!

Therefore, I'd like to go on a lean bulk for as long as I can because I love food and I don't want to cut back on the amount I eat.

MT

At this point everyone has said their peace, I think. You know what our advice is, and you can take it or leave it. I know we all wish you the best.

That being said, please don't expect us to encourage you coming back with weekly/daily weight checking numbers, etc, etc, because that kind of tracking and obsessive process goes against what we suggested in the first place.

Again, we're ALL rooting for you, and we'll be here for you when you need help.

My only last advice is that, if during your bulk you feel weak, hungry, tired, etc... please don't let yourself go hungry. Don't give into this urge to starve or not eat because you think gaining fat is so scary....

My heart goes out to you man because I too fear fat gain. I'm 100% willing to admit it. I know you're not willing to admit it, but you need to. It's one thing to say you know people gain fat, it's another to say "if I become fat, I'm still a valuable person, I'm no different, and it's OK"

THAT is what you need... this isn't about fat acceptance, it's about stopping the association between self-worth and body shape, size, and leanness. Of course being between 10-20% bodyfat is healthier than being 40%+

BUT, if you were overweight, or over fat, or above 20%, the ONLY difference would be your size and your weight... you're sstill the same guy...

Just remember that

[Bonnappe]

I usually do 20 minutes of MISS cardio everyday, didn't do yesterday and today had the urge to do so, but didn't

Small steps boys, small steps!

[Grappa]

At this point everyone has said their peace, I think. You know what our advice is, and you can take it or leave it. I know we all wish you the best.

That being said, please don't expect us to encourage you coming back with weekly/daily weight checking numbers, etc, etc, because that kind of tracking and obsessive process goes against what we suggested in the first place.

Again, we're ALL rooting for you, and we'll be here for you when you need help.

My only last advice is that, if during your bulk you feel weak, hungry, tired, etc... please don't let yourself go hungry. Don't give into this urge to starve or not eat because you think gaining fat is so scary....

My heart goes out to you man because I too fear fat gain. I'm 100% willing to admit it. I know you're not willing to admit it, but you need to. It's one thing to say you know people gain fat, it's another to say "if I become fat, I'm still a valuable person, I'm no different, and it's OK"

THAT is what you need... this isn't about fat acceptance, it's about stopping the association between self-worth and body shape, size, and leanness. Of course being between 10-20% bodyfat is healthier than being 40%+

BUT, if you were overweight, or over fat, or above 20%, the ONLY difference would be your size and your weight... you're sstill the same guy...

Just remember that

"if during your bulk you feel weak, hungry, tired, etc... please don't let yourself go hungry." !!!!!! @Mos if u are hungry during a bulk, you are doing something wrong..