AdamWW's New Orthorexia Recovery / Bulking Log

[AdamWW]

I decided to start this new log given some recent developments in my life. In particular, I have admitted to myself that I have obsessive thoughts about control around food, specifically the tracking of nutrition, using exercise as a means to reduce non-lean weight gain, and consuming almost no foods that I feel might hinder my health or body composition progress. These factors are negatively effecting my life: mentally, physically, and socially.

My original bulking log can be found here, and contains a lot about my backstory and how I got to this point: http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=171860203

I am hoping this log can help keep me accountable during this phase, and eventually become a traditional bulking log where lifts and weight consistently go up, but in the beginning it will likely be focused on some of the mental recovery steps in addition to food and training (but they will be here, too).

I am not planning on tracking any nutrition at all. I do not have MFP anymore... I do not have a food scale... and I am not going to be weighing myself any time soon.

I will, however, share my meals in this thread often, talk about my mental reactions, struggles, all of that.

Starting weight is, I believe, roughly 137-138lbs. My milestones for weight will be in 10 pound increments, the first being at 150. I plan on weighing myself likely on the first of day of January, 2017, to see how I am doing.

Thanks for stopping by.

[Nate118]

Good luck my friend! Subbed.

[Oatmealman99]

In and subbed, really excited to see you progress.

[AdamWW]

In and subbed, really excited to see you progress.

Thanks man. Will keep it updated often.

[muruku]

always lurkin` mang.

[AdamWW]

@muruku: Lurking is always welcome man!


I was going to write out a long post about how I feel today and what's going on in my head, but after thinking it over I don't know if I'd even have space to get it all in.

Last night and this morning I've been experiencing a very strong mental clarity that I haven't felt in a long time. Even in these early stages, the removal of the obsessive tracking of food, calories, and weight, feels like it has opened my mind to appreciating and fully observing everything else around me. Instead of waking up furiously hungry this morning, I felt a very normal level of hunger. Instead of pulling out my phone to enter my daily weight, I just took a shower, got dressed, and got my day going productively.

I never really thought I'd experience these kinds of feeling so early on, but I really hope they keep coming.

Although I definitely feel the hunger there, and I'm not fighting it, it's a very different feeling. Not fear or a desire to control, just an awareness that it's present and needs to be addressed. And with that, time for some food

[Strength93]

subbed

[AdamWW]

Did a push workout today, main lifts were Squats and OHP. I took it as an oppotunity to set a starting point for my strength and see how I progress.

Since injuring my leg/hip a bit, squats got a lot weaker but I'm sure they'll catch up soon.

Here is the workout:

Squats

135 for 5 sets of 5

OHP

65 for 6-6-5-5-5

Leg Press

200lb 8-8-8-8

Bodyweight Dips

12 - 10

Tricep Press Machine

2 sets of 12

Standing Smith Machine Calve Raise

110lb 12 - 10 - 10 - 10

Rope Skullcrushers

3 Sets of 12

Rope Ab Crunches

3 Sets of 12



In the future I'll probably just post the progress on main lifts... but this is where I'm starting.

Feeling super hungry today... gunna get in lots of cals

I've been really looking forward to adding weight to the bar with all the food I've been eating... pretty amazing what I've been putting down.

[AdamWW]

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Mine was very small due to a last-minute family crisis, so it was just me, mom, sister and grandma + her husband (step grandpa?).

We don't do a big spread if it's just the few of us, but I was able to get in snacks and plenty of other things, just not the typical enormous meals you're used to seeing.

I also did a Pull workout earlier which went awesome...

Couple of workout highlights

- Added a single rep to my second set of bodyweight chinups
- Added a single rep to my last set of barbell curls
- Added a single rep to all four of my sets of BB Rows

Full transparency I did have a hard time mentally yesterday. Had several occasions where I wanted to open up the MFP website and see what I was eating, and also felt an urge to weigh myself this morning. I'm guessing it's because I've been eating so much more lately given I'm just eating whenever I 'feel' like it, but I didn't cave in, so that's good.

Today isn't going to be a lifting day, though if it doesn't rain or get too cold I might go on a bike ride. Gotta take advantage of any excuse to get outside in Washington if it's nt totally horrible out

[AdamWW]

Despite feeling horribly tired midday, I ended up making it to the gym for a decent pull session.

Couple good things happened:

- Added a rep to my first set on squats
- Added 5lb to my first two sets on inclined bench


Also, got to visit my ex (which really only happened because I wanted to see the dog we had together) and it went fine. Chatted a couple hours and then headed out.

Overall after my workout I felt way more energy than leading into it.

Grabbed some amazing food on the way home... including this crazy peanut butter cream cake... was extremely rich but MAN was it good!

[AdamWW]

Was feeling very sluggish pre-workout today, but after a decent warmup with active stretching and air squats/basic movements I started to ease into a great PULL day:

Highlights:

- Added 5lb to my barbell row (did 4 sets)
- Added 5lb to my barbell curl

My session went a bit longer than it probably should.. I think the volume was too much given how sore and tired I've been lately, but after some time lifting my energy went up dramatically and I really felt like lifting hard.

I also did 30min of post-lifting cardio on the stationary bike, nothing too crazy or intense, but it felt good.


In terms of my feelings around food, it's been all over the place. Have not been tracking, still, but I feel like I should be getting softer than I am given the amount I 'think' I'm eating... but maybe I've simply become a chronic undereater because of my history. I know I'm eating more than before I stopped tracking, but it just doesn't feel like my previous REAL bulks have. In every case in the past where I've successfully bulked I remember always having energy... almost too much... and feeling 'spilled over' all the time. I don't really feel that way right now... but feel really sore and tired unless I'm actually moving around.

Dunno why, but maybe I need to focus on not working out beyond basic lifts and just 'dirty bulking' until my weight is up several pounds... not sure what else to try...

[AdamWW]

Yesterday I made what I feel is a big breakthrough / progress milestone in my recovery process.

My overall eating habits seemed to be consistent for the most part (woke up decently hungry, ate food until I was satisfied, also had lunch post-workout w/tons of carbs, all that stuff), but besides lifting weights for about an hour and following that up with 30min of light cardio on the exercise bike I was pretty much totally sedentary... I really didn't have much energy all day and was quite sore. I mention this because I know I didn't burn a ton of calories through exercise compared to a work day where I walk around a lot more.

Still, and despite consuming a large amount of food, including a very high-volume dinner, I felt one of those random extreme hungry spikes around 9-10pm.

My usual way of reacting to this is to wait it out and just see if it's something that passes.. but this time, instead of waiting it out, I went to the kitchen and just ate exactly what I craved..

I went to the cupboard and picked up a jar of almond butter that was about 2/3 - 3/4 gone (so maybe 1/3 or 1/4 of it was left), took some natural maple syrup and poured in a little bit, and just ate from the jar until I didn't crave it anymore. To my surprise, I didn't eat the entire thing... i just snacked, bit by bit, until I had maybe 1-2 servings of the almond butter and the syrup was gone. Afterward I sat down, watched some TV, and honestly... I felt a huge sense of calm I hadn't felt in a while.

Just listening to my body and not thinking at all about the food, the calories, why i was doing it, etc... I hadn't done that completely in SUCH a long time... not only that, but because I just let my mind go, I got to sleep way faster than usual.

This morning, for whatever reason, I didn't even feel hungry... not sure if it's because my body got what it wanted or if my mind is just somewhere else (ie - not focused on food), but really, really feeling accomplished right now. I know it seems so trivial to most people, but this is a massive step for me


Hope everyone has a good monday!

[AdamWW]

Update for today:

Ended up not training yesterday at all. I really wanted to go in for a push session because my last lifting session was on Sunday, but by the time I got to the gym I was totally dead.. I had zero energy.. and after warming up on squats it was obvious it just wasn't going to happen, so I left.

I had been having a stomach issue all day, not sure why, but I decided to just table the workout until today.

Now, today, I did not sleep well at all, and I have not a lot of energy at the moment despite having a very large breakfast (estimate maybe 1200 calories... likely over 200 carbs). My shoulders, back, and legs feel sore, which doesn't make much sense to me.

I'm really starting to wonder if purely my low bodyweight and leanness is causing me to remain sore all the time and not sleep well, but I just don't know.

I'd really be curious to know anyone's input on if I should just forget about lifting for now and only focus on fixing my mental state and 'getting healthy'... I honestly don't know what other changes to make.

I did some stretches today, which helped with some of the aches, but overall I just don't feel good or strong at all, despite eating lots of food...

[AdamWW]

General update...

Been having a pretty good week overall.

My approach to this period of 'no/light training' has been evolving over the last couple of days since I received some helpful advice in the ED thread. Basically, I am taking some time to focus on re-prioritizing my life and activities around what feels good, paying even closer attention to how my body responds to stress, food intake, etc.

The cornerstones of this process are the following:

1. Minimize Exercise & Focus on Health

This doesn't mean I won't get any activity, but it does mean I am taking a break from 'training' as I know it. My body, in it's current 6', 138lb form, just doesn't feel strong. I rarely ever feel excited about the gym, rarely feel pumped up about doing a heavy set, and rarely leave the gym feeling I gave it my all.

My hope is that, with the weight I am (hopefully) going to gain, this will change as my body readjusts.

2. No food tracking, macro tracking, calorie tracking, etc.

I'm already not tracking, and will continue to do so. Thus far, it has been an interesting process. Some days, I imagine I am eating well over 4-5,000 calories... others, I might only get 3000 because I just don't feel as hungry. To be honest, both of those are fine to me, as long as I am eating to feel good. I haven't had any crazy binge days where I consume 10,000 calories of cookies and ice cream or entire jars of peanut butter, but I am definitely just listening to my urges and responding in a way that feel right.

3. Make a conscious effort be more social, and refocus on friends

In addition to stopping the focus on training and food, and I going to be focusing more on work, friends, and my life goals. Much of these things have fallen by the wayside since I've been so caught up in trying to control my leanness, food, and lifting process.

The truth is, this is all mental for me, and even if I go out with friends, I have that nagging voice in the back of my mind always making me think about food. My goal is to take that voice away.

4. Find non-fitness hobbies

Not sure what it'll be, but I want to find 1-2 new hobbies I can start to build on... maybe learning a new language, starting to read more, that kind of thing.






In the end, I am truly hoping December and leading into 2017 can be the start of a 'new me' so-to-speak. I am not going to weigh myself this December, and I don't know what exactly I'm starting at, but I do know the last time I weighed myself I was about 137. Given my food intake has gone up, I imagine I am closer to 138 right now. My general 'first benchmark' weight goal, if I were to put a number on it, is 160. I know that's not going to happen in a month, but I feel 160 at 6' is a nice, round number that isn't too low but also isn't so high that if I gain a decent amount of fat by the time I get there I won't be super soft and slow. In the long, long term, I obviously want to build over 160 and get bigger and stronger, but this is my first milestone.

I do plan on weighing myself on January 1 to see where I'm at. i don't have a set goal for that weigh-in, I just want to make progress. However, I do know I haven't weighed in above 140lb for many, many months... probably 4-5 months... and it'd be great to start the new year above 140, maybe even 145.

For training, I'll pick it back up and start lifting to a program as soon as I feel mentally and physically ready, but until then I am going to enjoy my life... eat donuts if I want donuts... eat oats if I want oats... have a beer if I want a beer... and just stop this stupid controlling mentality.

I want to enjoy food and life fully again.. that's #1 right now.

Have a good Friday everyone.

[AdamWW]

Had an awesome brunch today with an old friend... Vegan place that has AMAZING food:




That's buttery pancakes, apple-sage sausage, home fries, and tofu mash with maple/cinnamon butter and maple syrup


Now having a LAN party at my place for two days.

Great weekend

[sonnydfrizzy]

Hell yes dude love what I see in here.

@goal weight and leanness

Do not be afraid to overshoot for a bit. I got up to 185 at 6' and looked like cacka and felt terribly.. only to finally normalize my relationship with food and naturally lean out and recomp as I lifted harder and more consistently.

Stay off those scales. Eat to your heart's content. And if you ever feel "fluffy," shoot me a PM dead srs.

I have no real visible abs right now but I also have a full time job coming out of school, playing my best golf, spiritually growing and have incredible relationships and a beautiful girlfriend.

It is all perspective. Work internally on building yourself up and valuing things about YOU beyond the gym and leanness and food.

[AdamWW]

Hell yes dude love what I see in here.

@goal weight and leanness

Do not be afraid to overshoot for a bit. I got up to 185 at 6' and looked like cacka and felt terribly.. only to finally normalize my relationship with food and naturally lean out and recomp as I lifted harder and more consistently.

Stay off those scales. Eat to your heart's content. And if you ever feel "fluffy," shoot me a PM dead srs.

I have no real visible abs right now but I also have a full time job coming out of school, playing my best golf, spiritually growing and have incredible relationships and a beautiful girlfriend.

It is all perspective. Work internally on building yourself up and valuing things about YOU beyond the gym and leanness and food.

Oh im not stopping at 160, i'm considering 160 my benchmark for a 'healthy' level. I know from my past that 160 is basically the weight where I look healthiest given my current muscle mass amount, but I want to use 160 as a starting point for the longer term bulk.

NOT weighing myself though, for sure.

I mean honestly 180+ at 5'11" to 6' tall (i'm exactly 71.5 inches tall) is NOT that big at all especially if you lift.. im fine with being 180, I Just want to normalize my life

Obviously I know how to cut, so I'm not worried about it. Having people over today for a get together so we'll all be eating plenty of good food.. pizza, burgers, not sure yet but it'll be solid eats.

[AdamWW]

Had an awesome, freeing weekend.

I know now that social interaction is going to be key in my recovery. Didn't really 'think' actively about food the whole time... just enjoyed friends and conversation, and games.

Lasted until midday today, and all I did was relax, stretch, and take care of some errands and chores....

I highly recommend anyone dealing with orthorexia issues expand your social circle and spend as much time with 'normal eaters' as you can.

Goodnight ya'll.. take care

[Nate118]

Had an awesome, freeing weekend.

I know now that social interaction is going to be key in my recovery. Didn't really 'think' actively about food the whole time... just enjoyed friends and conversation, and games.

Lasted until midday today, and all I did was relax, stretch, and take care of some errands and chores....

I highly recommend anyone dealing with orthorexia issues expand your social circle and spend as much time with 'normal eaters' as you can.

Goodnight ya'll.. take care

Social support is magic! Friends help a lot! And when I started dating, the game changed completely. I had absolutely no hesitation to going out for an unhealthy, calorific dessert. And zero regrets. It's like all the ED thoughts had completely disappeared.

[AdamWW]

Social support is magic! Friends help a lot! And when I started dating, the game changed completely. I had absolutely no hesitation to going out for an unhealthy, calorific dessert. And zero regrets. It's like all the ED thoughts had completely disappeared.

Very true. Buddy of mine who came over, who is very fit-looking, ate an entire medium pizza the first night, and had 2 donuts for breakfast the following day.. and yet he looks very healthy.. pretty crazy. Nice to be around folks who don't worry about the details so much.

[AdamWW]

Happy Tuesday guys.

General update: feeling great.

Today's energy levels are through the roof... super cold outside, but meh... oh well

Attitude and focus toward food seems to keep getting better, and I'm beginning to feel like I truly accept the fact that I'm becoming less 'firm' than before I stopped tracking. I haven't eaten this way since high school and it feels very, very weird to actually have energy again. Almost like I don't trust it... but it's pretty great at the same time.

Really hoping for a good weigh-in come January, but even if it isn't a huge amount, i'm just glad to be feeling so much more focused on life and less on obsessions with food and burning calories.

[Oatmealman99]

Happy Tuesday guys.

General update: feeling great.

Today's energy levels are through the roof... super cold outside, but meh... oh well

Attitude and focus toward food seems to keep getting better, and I'm beginning to feel like I truly accept the fact that I'm becoming less 'firm' than before I stopped tracking. I haven't eaten this way since high school and it feels very, very weird to actually have energy again. Almost like I don't trust it... but it's pretty great at the same time.

Really hoping for a good weigh-in come January, but even if it isn't a huge amount, i'm just glad to be feeling so much more focused on life and less on obsessions with food and burning calories.

That's fantastic Adam, i hope you continue to make such great progress.

[AdamWW]

That's fantastic Adam, i hope you continue to make such great progress.

Thanks dude. I'm feeling very optimistic about everything right now. Even though I can feel myself sometimes starting to think about food, tracking, and maintaining leanness, my methodology has been helping a ton. I'm just treating the whole process like a test, or a game... trying to see what happens for now benchmark my weight gain until I get healthy again. If I catch myself mentally tallying the calories in my food, I just remind myself that 'no, this isn't part of my plan... my plan is to eat, and eat, and eat in a way that makes me feel happy and full'.

One point of clarification, though, is that I'm not benchmarking based on strict calorie intakes. My rule right now: if I'm thinking about food, it means I'm hungry. I've realized that when I am truly satisfied (not sick and stuffed, but satisfied and full) I just lose interest in food until I get hungry again. That's basically all I'm doing... responding to hunger by eating... which seems like a normal thing to do

That, combined with the mental relief from not being distracted from the other, meaningful things in life with thoughts of food and exercising to burn calories, has made my energy levels and focus go WAY up. I'm no longer thinking about what I can have for my next meal, no longer going to sleep hungry thinking I've had enough because I 'ran out of macros'... i'm just living hour by hour and taking things as they come.

Feels great

[Vanzero]

This log is amazing, I feel like you're doing everything I should be doing too. Keep it up man, stay positive.

[AdamWW]

This log is amazing, I feel like you're doing everything I should be doing too. Keep it up man, stay positive.

Thanks man. I'll be sure to keep it up to date.. it's actually been very helpful in keeping me on point. Once january starts, i'll definitely do more in terms of sharing workouts, meals, and weight changes.

For this month, though, I'm trying to focus entirely on just NOT THINKING about food at all beyond responding to my hunger.

I know I'm getting 'softer', but being free to eat whatever I feel like has just been awesome... not just the food selections but just not thinking about it ahead of time. I've found that I am much better at moderation than I thought, even though I honestly would bet i'm eating between 3500 and 4500 calories per day and not really exercising much.

I'm trying to limit exercise for now and just do one thing at a time. For now, that's eating more, responding only to hunger, and not tracking anything (weight, calories, macros, etc).

Come January, I'll be a little more specific on getting back into a lifting program, providing some kind of regular weight updates, etc.

[AdamWW]

General updates..

Hip/Leg injury is still very off and on; unpredictable. Some days it feels 100% fine and others it feels like I'm getting shot repeatedly. The only type of cardio that doesn't seem to hurt it (in fact, seems to alleviate some of the pain) is the bike, which for now would only be stationary bikes in the gym because the weather is awful right now in Seattle.

Eating-wise, also a bit off and on. I've been consuming a pretty large amount of food... typically I end up eating 4 times per day (3 'whole' meals and a smaller snack-ish one... but even then it's pretty big). I don't really know what the calories are, but I do know I'm definitely hitting protein minimums for muscle gain. That being said, I haven't really been training outside of some stretching in my house, yoga, and the basic cardio I get on a daily basis. I have been doing mobility work to keep myself healthy and flexible.

Weight-wise... also, it's hard to say. I feel 'softer' most of the time, but then some morning I'll wake up and I can see the veins on my lower abs still, and I question if I'm gaining anything at all. Overall though, the mental break from even knowing what my macro intake is has been awesome. No doubt, some days I'm sure I'm going over 100g-120g of fat (whereas before I would RARELY get above 60g), and I don't really know how much carbs or protein I'm getting.

Some days, I'm a bottomless pit... probably getting like 6-7k of calories in. Others, I don't feel like eating as much and I end up getting maybe 3... who knows?

To sum it up... it's been nice not knowing what I'm eating or what I weigh, but at the same time I'm not sure if I'm recovering physically or not. I do feel like I'm still lighter and leaner than I should be... but given I'm eating intuitively I would think my body would progress naturally to a healthy state. Not sure if that's happening or not.

BUT... hey... baby steps...

Woke up today feeling like I might have a cold coming on... had a nice breakfast of oatmeal, marshmallows, cocoa, protein powder, apples, berries, black tea, and some other random snacks until I felt like stopping. Might need to stay home from the office because I really don't want to get people sick.

Oh, also starting to research what lifting program I wanna do next.

Open to suggestions

[Oatmealman99]

General updates..

Hip/Leg injury is still very off and on; unpredictable. Some days it feels 100% fine and others it feels like I'm getting shot repeatedly. The only type of cardio that doesn't seem to hurt it (in fact, seems to alleviate some of the pain) is the bike, which for now would only be stationary bikes in the gym because the weather is awful right now in Seattle.

Eating-wise, also a bit off and on. I've been consuming a pretty large amount of food... typically I end up eating 4 times per day (3 'whole' meals and a smaller snack-ish one... but even then it's pretty big). I don't really know what the calories are, but I do know I'm definitely hitting protein minimums for muscle gain. That being said, I haven't really been training outside of some stretching in my house, yoga, and the basic cardio I get on a daily basis. I have been doing mobility work to keep myself healthy and flexible.

Weight-wise... also, it's hard to say. I feel 'softer' most of the time, but then some morning I'll wake up and I can see the veins on my lower abs still, and I question if I'm gaining anything at all. Overall though, the mental break from even knowing what my macro intake is has been awesome. No doubt, some days I'm sure I'm going over 100g-120g of fat (whereas before I would RARELY get above 60g), and I don't really know how much carbs or protein I'm getting.

Some days, I'm a bottomless pit... probably getting like 6-7k of calories in. Others, I don't feel like eating as much and I end up getting maybe 3... who knows?

To sum it up... it's been nice not knowing what I'm eating or what I weigh, but at the same time I'm not sure if I'm recovering physically or not. I do feel like I'm still lighter and leaner than I should be... but given I'm eating intuitively I would think my body would progress naturally to a healthy state. Not sure if that's happening or not.

BUT... hey... baby steps...

Woke up today feeling like I might have a cold coming on... had a nice breakfast of oatmeal, marshmallows, cocoa, protein powder, apples, berries, black tea, and some other random snacks until I felt like stopping. Might need to stay home from the office because I really don't want to get people sick.

Oh, also starting to research what lifting program I wanna do next.

Open to suggestions

glad to hear that your still progressing, I have to say myself it has made my life easier not worrying about calories. And I was thinking of doing good old stronglifts 5X5 to bring up my compounds, but I do rather enjoy fierce 5 and I'm probably gonna stick with it for a while longer.

[AdamWW]

glad to hear that your still progressing, I have to say myself it has made my life easier not worrying about calories. And I was thinking of doing good old stronglifts 5X5 to bring up my compounds, but I do rather enjoy fierce 5 and I'm probably gonna stick with it for a while longer.

The biggest gains I ever made were following 5x5, so i'm a huge fan of it. Just not sure if the volume is OK for me right now. I should probably be starting on a more novice level despite how long i've been training.

And yeah I do feel I have been progressing mentally. I just wish physically I could catch up, but trying to be patient. I just struggle mentally with cravings at times when they get SO severe. Yesterday I had this insane urge to eat an entire box of Clif bars... and of course in my mind I started to convince myself it's not OK. I didn't have them on hand or anything but all I could think about was buying a huge hot chocolate and mowing through the whole container. Tough sometimes

[AdamWW]

Development from last night.

Yet another experience that - I hope - will propel me into full recovery more quickly than I was already moving.

As I mentioned, I react poorly to bad blood tests because of my hypochondria, so it did shake me a bit when they came back below normal. Also, the doctor weighed me, and I haven't gained any weight it seems.

Then, last night, I went to a football game with my dad. I had a great time, but I was so cold I was shaking the whole time despite wearing like 4-5 layers. I felt like really, really deathly cold. It was actually a tad frightening.... at times I felt like I would pass out of hypothermia... had no feeling in my feet despite wearing thermal socks, my face was burning... all that stuff.

That, combined with the bloodwork, forced me to take a hard look at what I'm doing. Even though I've been making progress... I just don't know if it's enough. I think i need to approach things more drastically, maybe just return to how I was when I was a teenager (eating-wise) if that's what has to happen to get my blood levels and temperature back to normal.

Not a huge change from what I've already been doing, but I've still been thinking about what is healthy vs not healthy on some level, and even though i'm not exactly restricting calories, I do think it factors into individual food choices. Perhaps I need to consciously eat foods I'm 'fearful' of in order to break the cycles... like donuts, cake, whatever... I don't know what other option I have. For instance, Instead of making oats with protein powder, berries, banana, peanut butter for example... maybe I need to get food at the store or cafe I have zero control over, and lots of it....

Obviously I'm not going to PUNISH myself with over-stuffing to the point of pain... but I'm thinking i'll just strive do what I used to do when I was in high school, which is not think about it at all.

My doctor wants me to redo bloodwork in 2 weeks, so maybe by that time (which also happens to be the first of the year... which would be a nice start to 2017) things can improve.

i even scrolled back through old photos of myself when I was closer to 160 and compared that to how I look now. Big difference (in a good way). Pretty obvious why I felt so much better at that weight.

Today I am planning on relaxing, napping, reading, and eating. I only got like 3 hours of sleep last night... partly because of the anxiety, and I don't think I ate nearly enough yesterday... so I want to just focus on getting better.

To be honest though, there is some fear for me in doing this. I don't think i've taken an ACTUAL, COMPLETE rest day with zero activity for... I don't even know how long. And today, I'm going to try and do it while eating a very large surplus... hopefully I can do it, but we'll see.

[AdamWW]

In an effort to stimulate my appetite more, I returned to the gym today.

To my surprise... I got stronger.

I added 5 pounds to the first 4 sets of my squat 5x5, and added a rep to my second set of inclined BB bench. Not much but it's something

I'll probably start lifting again now with lower volume, and bump my calories up.

Of course I'm not tracking specifically, but I'm going to start consuming more... likely around 500 additional on top of my existing surplus because my doctor weigh-in came up lower than expected.

By January 1, I want to be 140. I haven't weighed in at 140 or above since August 20 so I think that's a nice even target.

Time to get this done.

also TIME FOR A MOVIE with friends... popcorn and star wars here I come