AdamWW's New Orthorexia Recovery / Bulking Log

[finnyskat]

Very sad you feel this way. I would advise getting help before you spiral more downhill.

yeah.
i'm gonna do it though. i'll get through this. we'll both get through this, my man. your recovery looks solid so far.

[AdamWW]

yeah.
i'm gonna do it though. i'll get through this. we'll both get through this, my man. your recovery looks solid so far.

So you're getting help?

If not, I would recommend spending some time observing your emotions, behaviors, and practicing 'mindfulness' techniques.

It is very useful during times when you are tempted to restrict to write down where you are, what is happening, and what you can notice about your thoughts when this occurs. It really helps me analyze WHY I feel the need to control my food intake and my activity.

Gradually you will likely begin to understand your reasoning more and the need for change will become more apparent. It's not easy and it can be shocking but ultimately it can be hugely beneficial.

For example, through journaling and continued observations and exposure therapy, I was able to identify my fear of the scale, other core issues I have with exercise, why specific foods cause fear for me, and go on to test those areas to try and make myself get used to them.

In terms of recovery being 'solid' it's just too early for me to say. For now I am doing 'what I can' on my own and that is enough. Time will tell! Gotta live life.

[finnyskat]

So you're getting help?

If not, I would recommend spending some time observing your emotions, behaviors, and practicing 'mindfulness' techniques.

It is very useful during times when you are tempted to restrict to write down where you are, what is happening, and what you can notice about your thoughts when this occurs. It really helps me analyze WHY I feel the need to control my food intake and my activity.

Gradually you will likely begin to understand your reasoning more and the need for change will become more apparent. It's not easy and it can be shocking but ultimately it can be hugely beneficial.

For example, through journaling and continued observations and exposure therapy, I was able to identify my fear of the scale, other core issues I have with exercise, why specific foods cause fear for me, and go on to test those areas to try and make myself get used to them.

In terms of recovery being 'solid' it's just too early for me to say. For now I am doing 'what I can' on my own and that is enough. Time will tell! Gotta live life.

i am. . . eventually. i'm doing sort of what you're doing, for now. what i can on my own, which is lifting and exercising and eating enough for that, specifically. but. . i'm making steps. i had some "off-plan" pb2 today, and also progressed on some lifts. granted, the pb2 still "fit my macros" but. . . i wanted it in the moment.

as far as journaling and figuring out the "whys"--. . . yikes. that's going to be fun. diving into my brain? unprotected?

i think we're both probably people who would benefit from seeing a dietician/nutritionist, like erik mentioned. i know for a fact that "normalizing" my eating is going to be a bear. there comes a point where you ask yourself: am i really eating these green beans off the floor right now just because i weighed them before i dropped them?

i'm so glad you're living life, though, and that this is working for you.

[AdamWW]

i am. . . eventually. i'm doing sort of what you're doing, for now. what i can on my own, which is lifting and exercising and eating enough for that, specifically. but. . i'm making steps. i had some "off-plan" pb2 today, and also progressed on some lifts. granted, the pb2 still "fit my macros" but. . . i wanted it in the moment.

as far as journaling and figuring out the "whys"--. . . yikes. that's going to be fun. diving into my brain? unprotected?

i think we're both probably people who would benefit from seeing a dietician/nutritionist, like erik mentioned. i know for a fact that "normalizing" my eating is going to be a bear. there comes a point where you ask yourself: am i really eating these green beans off the floor right now just because i weighed them before i dropped them?

i'm so glad you're living life, though, and that this is working for you.

Lifting and exercises may not be a good idea depending on where you're at, especially given that it sounds like a purging method for you.

Fixing one thing but not the other during recover often leads to people get stuck in 'pseudo-recovery' indefinitely. You don't want that.

I'm not saying you cannot move around, but you need to be BRUTALLY honest with yourself (not me or anything else) and understand WHY you're exercising and whether or not you use it as just another means of control.

[finnyskat]

Lifting and exercises may not be a good idea depending on where you're at, especially given that it sounds like a purging method for you.

Fixing one thing but not the other during recover often leads to people get stuck in 'pseudo-recovery' indefinitely. You don't want that.

I'm not saying you cannot move around, but you need to be BRUTALLY honest with yourself (not me or anything else) and understand WHY you're exercising and whether or not you use it as just another means of control.

yehehahahehehooo, hoo, hooooo boy.
i'm thinking you're right about this. i can't tell whether or not i enjoy lifting, really. i keep going back and forth on this.
what's funny is, at the "worst" of my habits, i wasn't really exercising. i was just restricting to very little or surviving on caffeine. then, i started lifting to help me recover, and now i'm. . .
yep. in pseudo-recovery.

also, i just thought of something that i don't know if you're familiar with but you seem smart so you prob'ly are: people with ed histories are often at risk for endocrine disorders. it's part of why i'm going to. . . eventually. . . try to get better, before i get worse.
i'm getting my thyroid checked this friday, but maybe you ought to as well? i saw that you're recovering for your health, so it might be good to know where you stand on that. and, if your results improve as you recover, you'll confirm you're headed in the right direction!

[AdamWW]

yehehahahehehooo, hoo, hooooo boy.
i'm thinking you're right about this. i can't tell whether or not i enjoy lifting, really. i keep going back and forth on this.
what's funny is, at the "worst" of my habits, i wasn't really exercising. i was just restricting to very little or surviving on caffeine. then, i started lifting to help me recover, and now i'm. . .
yep. in pseudo-recovery.

also, i just thought of something that i don't know if you're familiar with but you seem smart so you prob'ly are: people with ed histories are often at risk for endocrine disorders. it's part of why i'm going to. . . eventually. . . try to get better, before i get worse.
i'm getting my thyroid checked this friday, but maybe you ought to as well? i saw that you're recovering for your health, so it might be good to know where you stand on that. and, if your results improve as you recover, you'll confirm you're headed in the right direction!

I've had nearly every test under the sun my friend... believe me... we're talking thousands of dollars (out of pocket, that's AFTER insurance helping out) to make sure my underlying health is fine. I have been cleared for basically any disease you can imagine by almost a dozen specialists using both blood and other imaging methods:

- Cardiac risk tests (tons of lipid tests, heart imaging tests, stress tests, take-home rhythm monitors...etc..etc..)
- All hormones including thyroid, testosterone... etc...
- standard blood counts and metabolism
- markers for inflammation
- allergies
- stomach tests for absorption issues
- vitamin tests (D, B12, Folate..)
- Iron

I could go on and on my friend...

On paper I am in good health except my slightly low blood cell counts which is almost certainly due to low bodyfat and weight.

My trouble is that I am hovering in the danger zone and suffering as a result... another slight drop and I could start to do REALLY bad medically... but I already feel the issue, so i'm doing something about it.

[AdamWW]

Also, @ finnyskat...

It is apparent to me that you are in the beginning phases of discovering the root causes and underlying motivations that cause your mental problems with food and body image.

I suggest doing some Googling around for information on the subjects of Orthorexia, Anorexia, Recovery, and Exercise Addiction/Exercise Bulimia.

As I mentioned, the issue is about control, and although you may feel fitness/lifting weights is separate from your eating, it is basically NEVER separate in situations where the person also controls or restricts their food intake.

In my vase, it is DEFINITELY both, so I need to handle both of these issues at the same time. Which basically means I cannot exercise unless I know I am 100% doing it because it makes me feel better...and that there is ZERO thought around calorie burning or energy expenditure around it. This INCLUDES working out in an effort to 'optimize' the muscle gains from the extra calories i'm eating.

Today, for example, I wanted to lift weights because I hadn't in many days... but I chose not to go because as the time approached wherein I was considering a session, I noticed myself somewhere in the back of my mind thinking about whether I would be hungrier after.

The goal for me to completely disconnect EXERCISE from food and calories.... I need to turn exercise into something I do purely to enhance my life, not to optimize energy burn. If I can't do that, I cannot go. period. not even if the slightly thought exists.

The opposite goes for food: if I so much as WONDER if I actually feel hungry, I have to assume I am... this is because after years of control - however gradual my weight loss was - I have messed up my hunger cues... so, I need to be reactive and quick to do so. It's the only way to fix it... gotta make food just another thing that exists... fuel.. nothing more and nothing less.

That being said, of course I ENJOY what I consume... that should go without saying

[finnyskat]

I've had nearly every test under the sun my friend... believe me... we're talking thousands of dollars (out of pocket, that's AFTER insurance helping out) to make sure my underlying health is fine. I have been cleared for basically any disease you can imagine by almost a dozen specialists using both blood and other imaging methods:

- Cardiac risk tests (tons of lipid tests, heart imaging tests, stress tests, take-home rhythm monitors...etc..etc..)
- All hormones including thyroid, testosterone... etc...
- standard blood counts and metabolism
- markers for inflammation
- allergies
- stomach tests for absorption issues
- vitamin tests (D, B12, Folate..)
- Iron

I could go on and on my friend...

On paper I am in good health except my slightly low blood cell counts which is almost certainly due to low bodyfat and weight.

My trouble is that I am hovering in the danger zone and suffering as a result... another slight drop and I could start to do REALLY bad medically... but I already feel the issue, so i'm doing something about it.

Also, @ finnyskat...

It is apparent to me that you are in the beginning phases of discovering the root causes and underlying motivations that cause your mental problems with food and body image.

I suggest doing some Googling around for information on the subjects of Orthorexia, Anorexia, Recovery, and Exercise Addiction/Exercise Bulimia.

As I mentioned, the issue is about control, and although you may feel fitness/lifting weights is separate from your eating, it is basically NEVER separate in situations where the person also controls or restricts their food intake.

In my vase, it is DEFINITELY both, so I need to handle both of these issues at the same time. Which basically means I cannot exercise unless I know I am 100% doing it because it makes me feel better...and that there is ZERO thought around calorie burning or energy expenditure around it. This INCLUDES working out in an effort to 'optimize' the muscle gains from the extra calories i'm eating.

Today, for example, I wanted to lift weights because I hadn't in many days... but I chose not to go because as the time approached wherein I was considering a session, I noticed myself somewhere in the back of my mind thinking about whether I would be hungrier after.

The goal for me to completely disconnect EXERCISE from food and calories.... I need to turn exercise into something I do purely to enhance my life, not to optimize energy burn. If I can't do that, I cannot go. period. not even if the slightly thought exists.

The opposite goes for food: if I so much as WONDER if I actually feel hungry, I have to assume I am... this is because after years of control - however gradual my weight loss was - I have messed up my hunger cues... so, I need to be reactive and quick to do so. It's the only way to fix it... gotta make food just another thing that exists... fuel.. nothing more and nothing less.

That being said, of course I ENJOY what I consume... that should go without saying

adam, i just want to thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply to my responses. you seem to know what's up about mental health, and it's been nice having someone to relate to a bit.
1. i'm glad you're otherwise in good health. the mental part of this is the toughest part, so i'm glad that part seems to be going well, too, my friend. as for me--my hormones are all out of whack, which is why i apparently have to gain weight. i'm glad i caught it early.
b. i am definitely figuring out what. . my deal is. and i've started doing a lot of research. the medical stuff and concern about my hormones and thyroid all came from that, and . . . well. . . i know i have some kind of problem. making the steps to change it, to gain the weight, to recover--that's the hard part.

what you're saying about separating exercise and eating, though. . . i have started to weave these two concepts together (and in fact i have noticed it getting better in some places and worse in others), and i'm starting to accept that i probably shouldn't. it's not been a behavior for me for long, but it does place a weird emphasis on food in my life.
i am lucky in that the extent of my severe restriction (sometimes less than 800 calories a day) was not very long, but i guess it was long and fast enough to mess up the old hormones so, that's probably why i need to eat more, in general. additionally, i am sorry you suffered for ten years. that's a long time.
you're definitely in a place where you're aware of why you do what you do/did what you did, and that's just awesome. i'm glad you know yourself super well, and that you're enjoying what you're eating!!

[AdamWW]

Update: third day without training at all.

I was very sore and fatigued all day... unsure why. Some brain fog, just was not feeling well.

Instead, stayed in, rested, only real activity was walking down the street for coffee.

On a related note, will likely have to give up coffee (again) soon. I don't actually think it's an issue for me, but coffee being a stimulant can mimic natural energy and I don't want anything getting in the way of the actual process of calories being my fuel source.

I may also give up all calorie-free sweeteners for a similar reason. if I want something sweet, I will likely need to use actual sugar if anything.

Not surprisingly, after being restful the whole day, in the evening I started to feel much better... not sore anymore... I actually feel awake and in a positive mindset.

Perhaps tomorrow full energy will return

[AdamWW]

Feeling excellent this morning... much more healed up.

Decided on plan to weigh myself twice a week on two consecutive days to ensure at least short term progress, like Saturday and Sunday morning, then average the two days to make sure it isn't skewed from fluid/etc...

Unsure if I will lift any weights today, but for now I feel good.

[AdamWW]

Lifted today.. Push session.. very basic stuff...

Got stronger

[AdamWW]

Amazingly I still had energy for a Pull session today... and yet again... got stronger...

Again, very basic here... chins, rows, some curls, etc. None of the high-volume stuff.

One thing I am noticing right now in lifting during recovery is that I actually REALLY enjoy low-volume work... i used to think I liked chasing the pump... but really... I think I enjoy the powerlifting style far more...

Sunny day here in Seattle, too.. CHEERS

[AdamWW]

off day today... wow.. I am sore... going to be RESTING like crazy.

This weekend's progress weigh in should be... interesting... been a crazy week.

[AdamWW]

Here are starting stats that I never shared specifically:

Starting Weight (6/18/2017): 131.25

The above is the average of weights on 6/17 and 6/18. That is my planned cycle for weighing in to ensure I do not fall behind in the beginning; I will weigh in on Saturday and Sunday morning and average the weights.

For lifting, yesterday I added weight on both squats and bench. I added 3 reps to my 5x5 squat on the first 3 sets, as well as 2 on the final 2 sets. Next push session I will increase the weight by 10lb.

Bench press went up by 1 reps on all sets. I'll probably add 5lbs to my next session.

Although I would love to say I will always get in 4 days a week to lift, right now it is more important to listen to my body and put recovery first. So, i'll get in when I feel able/good about it.

For those interested, I am doing a slightly modified Fierce 5 which is Push/Pull instead of Upper/Lower.

Today is golf from 10am-3pm. Super sunny today.

Other good news in life: I close on my first property (a townhome) on Wednesday... very excited

[AdamWW]

Weekend Average Weight: 132.25 (+1lb from last week)

[finnyskat]

Weekend Average Weight: 132.25 (+1lb from last week)

**** yeah!

[AdamWW]

Squat weight is up 10lbs in a week.

Romanian Deadlifts are up 10lb in a week.

Awesome.

[AdamWW]

After all this time I'm still surprised/shocked and don't really understand how a small increment can stop a person. Not saying yours is, but I've found myself stuck under the bar after adding as little as 5-10 lb. It's weird to say the least.

Good job, dude.

Hard to say really. Recovery and preparedness for movement are highly sensitive to countless conditions... kind of frustrating ;o)

[AdamWW]

This is true. I have played "clueless" with myself to prevent psyching myself out and ended up with the same result. I want to say it's more physical response to force exceeding what could be done before over a biological response (psyching out).

Though I've found the best sessions I've had where weight meant nothing were after a strong adrenaline dump. I've had bad work days where I'll go tot he gym and just destroy stuff. I can't replicate that on my usually good days. It's very weird. I was kind of into martial arts in high school, and I remember reading and hearing from older people they were able to control their adrenaline during a dump from their glands and also be able to trickle it at will. I thought it was BS then, I was maybe 15 at the time so I was skeptical of it all, until I looked into it myself. It is possible, but it's incredibly bad for your cardiovascular system. You can't do it at will, per se, but I've found that I think back to a time when I was wronged, get cranky, I do feel it trickling. This falls in line with how chronically depressed people who are in a low period tend to have bad cardiovascular health and alertness, since the dumps will also exhaust the body and mind.

Pretty sure we've talked about this at length before. I've never found a sweet spot of being ready for new weight. I could go on for hours about the stuff I've tried.

Edit: I wished you hadn't charged me. I'm on recharge. Sorry. I'm behind on a lot of people. Did I get you recently?

No worries on reps man. Thanks for all the input!

[AdamWW]

Weekly weight was steady, no change. Will be adjusting some things.

[finnyskat]

Weekly weight was steady, no change. Will be adjusting some things.

lol lucky you
just kidding. i'm starting to enjoy all my food hehe
keep at this, my friend--and damn, those are some awesome lifts!!!

[AdamWW]

lol lucky you
just kidding. i'm starting to enjoy all my food hehe
keep at this, my friend--and damn, those are some awesome lifts!!!

Definitely not lucky!

[AdamWW]

Revising some things to ensure continuous weight gain:

- I will be loosely tracking calories to at least 3k every day (this assumes no gym time, no golf, no cardio), while eating to hunger beyond that point when I feel like it
- If I golf, lift, or do anything otherwise strenuous I will bring with me smoothie(s)/liquid calories/snacks more diligently
- Training volume will decrease by 1 set per main lift to ensure I can recover and also to lessen gym time

It has become evident that years of 'wholesome food' consumption (especially high fiber foods, especially veggies) has tweaked my hunger cues some, this will need to be adjusted as well.

On a positive note i have been feeling fantastic and sleeping very well, while also slowly getting stronger.

Cheers and happy 4th!

[AdamWW]

Had an excellent and very weird gym day

It was a pull session, performed chins, BB rows, high cable rows, weighted hyperextensions, bicep curls, and abs

Was able to add a rep to my chins, as well as 5lb to my BB row.

Had a really weird old man come up and ask me about my tattoos, which launched into a 30min long history lesson about the cost of Seattle living. LOL... what a day.

Anyway, happy to be still getting stronger... has me wondering if my lack of weekly weight gain is a fluke or not, but I am still going to be eating a calorie goal instead of purely off feel until I maintain weight gain for eat least several consecutive weeks. Although I am sleeping better, thinking more clearly, and even having a more normal sex-drive right now, the weight simply needs to increase. High priority there.

Anyway, back to the grind.

CHEERS.

[deadliftbrah19]

Keep it up!!

[AdamWW]

Keep it up!!

Thanks!

Excited for gaining strength as I have been, now especially looking forward to what my body will feel like when my weight and visible size increases.

Referring to to older photos when I was at a stronger weight for myself is particularly helpful:

Current:





At a Bigger but Healthier Range for Me (Years Ago):











In the older photos I was able to deadlift 405 and bench 245 for a single... now I am nowhere near that.

[AdamWW]

Highlights from today's push session:

Added 5 more pounds to my 5x5 squat
Added reps for my bench 5x5

Next session I will bump up bench weight

Very very pleased with my gym progression :-)

[finnyskat]

....




In the older photos I was able to deadlift 405 and bench 245 for a single... now I am nowhere near that.[/QUOTE]

wowwwwwwwww
wowowowowowow i want to be that strong holy ****

[finnyskat]

Highlights from today's push session:

Added 5 more pounds to my 5x5 squat
Added reps for my bench 5x5

Next session I will bump up bench weight

Very very pleased with my gym progression :-)

**** yeah!!!!!

[AdamWW]

**** yeah!!!!!

Thanks for the vibes!