AdamWW's New Orthorexia Recovery / Bulking Log

[AdamWW]

Today's session went very well... PULL DAY.

Highlights

- Added a rep to all sets on Romanian Deads

- Barbell Rows with 115 are feeling much easier... will get to 135 soon I think.

Here's the full workout's working sets:


Bodyweight Chins (no sway)

12-9-8-8

Barbell Row

115lb 4x8

Romanian Deads

145lb 4x9

Low Cable Row

120lb 9-8-8

Lying Ham Curl

60lb 3x10

Reverse Flies

12lb 3x12

Seated DB Curls

25lb 4x9

Cable Crunches

120lb 4x13


More volume than usual but my energy was high today

[AdamWW]

Quick and dirty update here.

This week was a bit different in terms of training because I have a Friday and Saturday golf match. Typically if I have double-golf weekends it's Saturday and Sunday.

Typically I will train Monday-Tuesday, Thursday Friday, or Sunday-Monday + Wednesday Thursday depending on how I feel.

This week, though, because I had a surprise golf match on Sunday that I forgot about, I ended up training 3 straight days:

Monday - Push
Tuesday - Pull
Wednesday (today) - Push

Thing is, I've discovered that if I do ANY heavy posterior chain work the day prior to golf, my performance suffers and I don't play as well, plus I feel fatigued walking around up and down hills while pushing my clubs.

So, the plan for now is ZERO training tomorrow, which will mean three off days in a row (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) from the gym to make sure I perform my best.

On the off chance my back feels good and my quads aren't TOO sore from day's session, I might do some chin ups and rows... but that's a big if. Right now It'll probably be mobility light work just to keep my flexibility going for the weekend.

Still, I'm MORE than happy with 3 training days in a week even if it's just one pull session...

I'm actually finding it MUCH easier to just not lift at all and have zero guilt despite how much I'm eating right now. Making golf performance a higher priority is a great tool.

ANYWAY... hoping for a solid weekend and a good weigh-in on Sat/Sunday...

Cheers!

[AdamWW]

Today was a borderline perfect day:

- Took the day off work
- Woke up after a perfect night's sleep at 6am, left for golf at 630... got to the course at 730
- Golfed from 8am-130pm
- Lifted upper body from 330-430

Somehow I kept energy up all day. Can't believe it....

Sun is out... and I have more golf tomorrow.

Life is good

[AdamWW]

I am really struggling with my extra weight with injuries and body image today.

I know over the years that dieting just leads to binging and bulimic behavior, but now it's painful to exercise. I am trying to get back in my sport and I'm so slow, my knees hurt and I can feel the extra weight. I haven't been this size since right after pregnancy. I don't weigh myself but I know my clothes are tight and I'm in constant pain just carrying around the extra weight, and pre-diabetic. So a Dr. won't look at my history and tell me to lose weight so put less weight on my joints and thus no plantar fasciitis and knee and spine pain, and then I have to go through my ED history with him.

This is what is so difficult about recovery: how to live life at a size you are uncomfortable with. We have a homework assignment to do balanced eating in DBT.

I said "what does that mean?" Eat too little and don't eat too much. If I don't count, I overeat. So they said to eat mindfully and that is true as I'll go on here and grab snack foods and fill myself up vs. eating a healthy meal. A lot of that too is because I don't eat enough and then get super hungry and wake up at 2am starving.

I keep telling myself that this is better than binging and being bulimic. Sigh.

Where is this "excitement of being recoverED" that I saw in the ED hospital? These women returned to our group and told these wonderful stories about being able to feel feelings and go out to dinner and eat. Yes it's true that I am not nearly as food obsessed, but the extra weight just shows how much this disease shifts from anorexia to bulimia to compulsive overeating, and back to square one until the underlying issues are addressed.

I returned to the same tennis club, have the same stressful job, same family stressors. They are right about changing people, places, etc. I didn't make the lifestyle change that those talked about: some went back to school to be nutritionists, some became nurses.

They followed their dreams vs. just return to your old life and expect to change.

Hey there.

Im not sure if this post was meant for my logging thread but I'm always happy to share stories.. just making sure this wasn't a mis-post

[deadliftbrah19]

Hey there.

Im not sure if this post was meant for my logging thread but I'm always happy to share stories.. just making sure this wasn't a mis-post

Oh sorry I meant to post that in the ED thread!!! I'll delete and paste when I get back on my computer!

[AdamWW]

Oh sorry I meant to post that in the ED thread!!! I'll delete and paste when I get back on my computer!

NO PROBLEM!!! I just didn't want to assume anything

[AdamWW]

Weird workout today...

Squats went up... but ended up feeling very sick and 'spinny'.. in retrospect I think it's my allergies clogging my ears.. had to cut the workout very short.. laaaaame.

[AdamWW]

Woke up feeling incredible this morning: great sleep, energy, beautiful day outside.

Did a fasted workout which I never do, but it went extremely well....

I had increases in bent over rows... romanian deads... one of the best sessions Ive had in a LONG time.

Happy with this

[Strength93]

Did a fasted workout which I never do, but it went extremely well....
one of the best sessions Ive had in a LONG time.

I too have had my best work out sessions in a fasted state.
The same applies to when I am studying --> so much mental clarity. Whenever I break my fast I get sluggish.

[AdamWW]

I too have had my best work out sessions in a fasted state.
The same applies to when I am studying --> so much mental clarity. Whenever I break my fast I get sluggish.

Honestly I've been experimenting with both fed and fasted, and I find my ideal sessions occur either with very very light food about 1 hour before or totally fasted after having a big carb-heavy meal the previous night.

I have horrible reflux so eating anything significant right beforehand is no-no.

[AdamWW]

And today I did an unconventional workout for me: full body routine because I have a 36-hole golf match on Saturday, so I wanna stay fresh and not lift tomorrow.

Ended up PR'ing on bent over rows and adding a rep on bench press

Additionally, I've started to losely track my calories again with a food scale. I suspected I was possibly under-counting certain things like avocado and peanut butter, so I wanted to ensure I was hitting my minimum calories for each day.

[AdamWW]

Just a check in.

Been tracking calories to ensure I hit the minimum... still lifting 3-4 days a week.

Hunger remains unpredictable... sometimes I wake up with zero appetite, then suddenly it hits like crazy throughout the day. BUT, weigh did go up a little bit. Calories have been high and physically I've been feeling strong.

Hot weather definitely does NOT help me eat more

[AdamWW]

Long time no log... what up forums?

Started a new routine... liking it so far. It's very high frequency and lower on volume per workout, but it means I get to hit every major group 4x (yeah, FOUR times) per week, although legs don't get direct stimulation on both directions (push/pull) each time.

The general layout is:


Day 1: Bench, Squat, Rows, Bicep Curls, Calfs (then, if I feel like it, I choose a secondary movement for quads, chest, and back).
Day 2: OHP, Romanian Deads, Chins, tricep extensions, abs (secondary movements for delts/chest, upper back, and hamstrings if I feel like it)
Day 3: OFF
Day 4: Repeat Day 1
Day 5: Repeat Day 2
Day 6: OFF
Day 7: OFF


Basically I love this because it plans for 4 days of workload a week, but in the event one session is very taxing or I simply cannot go two days in a row, I still end up getting a minimum of 3 days per week.

So if for some reason I have to only go in on Sunday - Tuesday - Thursday, then I just to The DAY 1 / DAY 2 / DAY 1 layout... still a full routine, full body, but it's very flexible.

So far it hasn't been an issue at all and OHP is totally manageable the day after bench, same with chins the day after rows.

Otherwise everything is going good. Eating a lot and getting stronger slowly.

[AdamWW]

Filled with gratitude this morning as I had a great night's sleep and my mind feels clear.

I even had enough energy to lift weights for over an hour and then to cardio training for an hour.

Though I was hesitant, this was honestly what felt good. I listened to what my body, not my ED was telling me, after several days of limited activity. Felt strong, happy, and don't regret a thing.

I even repped out Deadlifts, weighted dips, and rows. Everything felt fantastic.

Of course, this will not happen every day... my body wouldn't be able to tolerate it... but I've been making great progress with intuitive eating and following my body's signals. Preoccupation with food is slowly going away altogether and other things in my life are becoming more enjoyable.

Looking forward to continued strength and weight gains in this recovery.

Now off to a family reunion!

Happy weekend all.

[AdamWW]

Throwback Thursday: Me back in Fall of 2012... 170lb give or take... strongest I've ever been




LOL dat face doe...

I'm coming for you, prior me... chasing my former glory

[AdamWW]

Wow... yet again... woke up feeling amazing. Zero hunger but my body was fully energized and not achy or tired like it usually is. Things are physically starting to improve a LOT. Can only imagine how much better I'll feel once the weight goes up, too

Got in a full-body workout right after waking... zero energy issues at all...

[AdamWW]

PR'd on Romanian Deads, Weighted Chins, and Rows today...

over-feeding freakin works...

[BennoMac]

Love tracking your progress.
To be honest i miss the bigger lifts i used to do when i weighed more haha.

[AdamWW]

Love tracking your progress.
To be honest i miss the bigger lifts i used to do when i weighed more haha.

Thanks dude.

Haven't been posting as much and will probably be getting less frequent on here throughout my recovery. The more I learn and progress, the less the forums and social media seems appealing. Things are going well though... looking forward to coming back on here when all is said and done and sharing my success with others.

[AdamWW]

New Lifting Routine:

Pull Day
Deadlifts 3x5
Barbell Row 4x8
Chins/Weighted Chins 4x6
Facepull 3x10
Curls 3-4x10
Weighted Hyperextension 3x8
Abs 4 Sets


Push Variant 1
Flat Bench 4x6
Dumbell Shoulder Press 3x8
Squats 4x6
Leg Press 4x8-10
Standing Calf 4x12
Skullcrushers 3-4x10

Push Variant 2
OHP 4x6
Weighted Dip 3x8-10
Squats 4x6
Leg Press/Lunges 4x8-10
Seated Calf 4x12
Skullcrushers or Pressdowns 3-4x10



Schedule is Push/Pull doing alternating Push variants, total 4 days per week.

So far really enjoying it. On occasion I may sub Romanian deads for the standard ones.

Diet-wise... i'm just eating everything I want right now... so I don't know exact calories but probably 3500 or so per day..

ED recovery going well.

[AdamWW]

Today's training was a repeat from last Push session (OHP focus)... no major progress but I was pretty fatigued still.

Dinner tonight is going to be something mexican themed... probably homemade sweet potato + black bean burritos... 2-3 of them I think. Kind of hungry right now


Squats
135x5
125x6
125x6
125x6

OHP
65lb 4sets of 5

LEG Press
200x12
200x11
200x10
200x10

LEG Press Calf Raise
200x16
200x16
200x15
200x15

Dips
10-9-9

Skullcrushers
50x9
50x8
50x7
50x7


Yes... insanely weak... but my nutrition is finally catching up (appetite wise) after dealing with insane bloating... intake is still crazy but I can feel my body settling into the recovery process nicely.

[BennoMac]

bit of a drop on weight? skullcrusher form is good? i hate it when elbows flair out.

Keep up the top work. i hate feeling bloated.

[AdamWW]

bit of a drop on weight? skullcrusher form is good? i hate it when elbows flair out.

Keep up the top work. i hate feeling bloated.

I do my skullcrushers more like a french press but since I've been focusing more on the compounds and proper form the weight has decreased a bit, yeah. I'm OK with it considering the most important part of my recovery is the mental part and gaining body weight back... right now lifting just makes me feel physically good and helps my appetite even more

For the skullcrushers I maintain a stretch extension behind my head and press back while extending:




Diet wise i'm focusing on just normalizing my signals because they're all over the place right now.

[Strength93]

Adam, you gotta get on my OHP level. I did 106lbs for 5 reps on all 4 sets. Yes I'm gloating right now, but I'm just so proud of myself from all the progress I've made.

I believe in you too. As you can tell those 45 extra pounds on my frame has done wonders

[AdamWW]

Adam, you gotta get on my OHP level. I did 106lbs for 5 reps on all 4 sets. Yes I'm gloating right now, but I'm just so proud of myself from all the progress I've made.

I believe in you too. As you can tell those 45 extra pounds on my frame has done wonders

There's a TON I need to progress on...

My first strength number goals are just return to my former strongest level and exceed it, then go from there. My all times bests have been:

Deadlift 410 x 1
Squat 285 x 1
Bench 240x1

Never did benchmark OHP

I'm not planning on doing heavy singles really... but my former best 5x5's were, I think:

Squat 240x5
Bench 205x5
Deadlift 365 x 3

Those were when I was 173 or so... which was so long ago...

This time, i'm not even setting a bodyweight goal... if I get to 200lb bodyweight then fine... even if it's a lot of fat... i'm just done caring at all. Performance/Health > appearance.

I've come to terms with the reality that I have zero to prove to anyone anymore, except myself! I have zero desire to remain as lean as I am right now... being 6-7% just is not something I wanna be.

[BennoMac]

There's a TON I need to progress on...

My first strength number goals are just return to my former strongest level and exceed it, then go from there. My all times bests have been:

Deadlift 410 x 1
Squat 285 x 1
Bench 240x1

Never did benchmark OHP

I'm not planning on doing heavy singles really... but my former best 5x5's were, I think:

Squat 240x5
Bench 205x5
Deadlift 365 x 3

Those were when I was 173 or so... which was so long ago...

This time, i'm not even setting a bodyweight goal... if I get to 200lb bodyweight then fine... even if it's a lot of fat... i'm just done caring at all. Performance/Health > appearance.

I've come to terms with the reality that I have zero to prove to anyone anymore, except myself! I have zero desire to remain as lean as I am right now... being 6-7% just is not something I wanna be.

I love your mental approach to this, i envy you and want the same way of thinking. but i really want to lose my gut fat haha, im not so worried about % of fat or how much i weigh to much as i go off how i look in the mirror and how much fat i can grab. I used to let me Diet and Gym run my life and it was causing me stress and to be moody all the time. No more! Thanks for your shared words.

[BennoMac]

I do my skullcrushers more like a french press but since I've been focusing more on the compounds and proper form the weight has decreased a bit, yeah. I'm OK with it considering the most important part of my recovery is the mental part and gaining body weight back... right now lifting just makes me feel physically good and helps my appetite even more

For the skullcrushers I maintain a stretch extension behind my head and press back while extending:


Diet wise i'm focusing on just normalizing my signals because they're all over the place right now.

Same way i do them maintain the stretch when going down, i tried doing this way incline bench it seems to hit the triceps a little less so can add more weight but not sure on this one.
Also doing them decline is a decent workout. i do around 80 pounds 4x10 usually. Hate dropping weight but would rather form over weight anyday.

[AdamWW]

I love your mental approach to this, i envy you and want the same way of thinking. but i really want to lose my gut fat haha, im not so worried about % of fat or how much i weigh to much as i go off how i look in the mirror and how much fat i can grab. I used to let me Diet and Gym run my life and it was causing me stress and to be moody all the time. No more! Thanks for your shared words.

Without knowing your history or where you're at now, all I can say is that all the leanness in the world has only made me less happy. Now obviously that's because of HOW I became leanner and how obsessive I was/am with it, but back when I was a teen I was 1000x happier as a person no matter how much I hated being able to grab several handfuls of chub on my stomach.

I think your thought process is reasonable though... obsessing about specific, arbitrary, and impossible-to-measure numbers is just silly... if you like how you feel/look, who cares if it means you're 10%, 15%, 20%, whatever it might be... heck there are people out there who are over 20% bodyfat and STILL have abs... not even kidding.

I do, however, have some added urgency to gain fat because my current leanness is not healthy, and I know that. Obviously I have zero idea what my true BF level is (and I don't care to know), but my stomach, legs, all of the typical 'problem areas' are simply lean tissue and skin... historically my most stubborn area is my love-handles and it still is, but even NOW there's zero fat around them, just hip bone and thicker skin...

A recurring thought I have been having is that I have zero to prove anymore... I have no level of leanness or lightness I can get to without going to the hospital... and I think, in a way, that scares me, because I let this whole 'stay lean and get leanner' process become my whole life, and now I have to do something else, and I'm not sure I feel like I deserve it. There's actually a mental condition called 'imposter syndrome' which I have several symptoms of... it's pretty crazy.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that your idea sounds great... it's very similar to what I'm trying to do, only in my case I do need to force some initial weight gain at least until my natural cues come back, because right now they're all over the place. Every day is such a gamble... I wake up not wanting to look at food, then 1 hour goes by and I feel like I haven't eaten in a year, so I grab a jar of peanut butter and just start eating.

It's getting easier, but mentally it's just weird... i'm not used to this kind of freedom... but man it feels good sometimes... just letting go... catharsis I tell ya

Same way i do them maintain the stretch when going down, i tried doing this way incline bench it seems to hit the triceps a little less so can add more weight but not sure on this one.
Also doing them decline is a decent workout. i do around 80 pounds 4x10 usually. Hate dropping weight but would rather form over weight anyday.

Totally... when you're doing isolation work it's always better to feel it rather than do it for an ego boost. I love the stretch feeling on these

[BennoMac]

Without knowing your history or where you're at now, all I can say is that all the leanness in the world has only made me less happy. Now obviously that's because of HOW I became leanner and how obsessive I was/am with it, but back when I was a teen I was 1000x happier as a person no matter how much I hated being able to grab several handfuls of chub on my stomach.

I think your thought process is reasonable though... obsessing about specific, arbitrary, and impossible-to-measure numbers is just silly... if you like how you feel/look, who cares if it means you're 10%, 15%, 20%, whatever it might be... heck there are people out there who are over 20% bodyfat and STILL have abs... not even kidding.

I do, however, have some added urgency to gain fat because my current leanness is not healthy, and I know that. Obviously I have zero idea what my true BF level is (and I don't care to know), but my stomach, legs, all of the typical 'problem areas' are simply lean tissue and skin... historically my most stubborn area is my love-handles and it still is, but even NOW there's zero fat around them, just hip bone and thicker skin...

A recurring thought I have been having is that I have zero to prove anymore... I have no level of leanness or lightness I can get to without going to the hospital... and I think, in a way, that scares me, because I let this whole 'stay lean and get leanner' process become my whole life, and now I have to do something else, and I'm not sure I feel like I deserve it. There's actually a mental condition called 'imposter syndrome' which I have several symptoms of... it's pretty crazy.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that your idea sounds great... it's very similar to what I'm trying to do, only in my case I do need to force some initial weight gain at least until my natural cues come back, because right now they're all over the place. Every day is such a gamble... I wake up not wanting to look at food, then 1 hour goes by and I feel like I haven't eaten in a year, so I grab a jar of peanut butter and just start eating.

It's getting easier, but mentally it's just weird... i'm not used to this kind of freedom... but man it feels good sometimes... just letting go... catharsis I tell ya



Totally... when you're doing isolation work it's always better to feel it rather than do it for an ego boost. I love the stretch feeling on these

My main issue is i think about food alot like 60% of my time, im not always hungry but i just keep doing thinking how i can add more protein or add more fats ect... i have been tracking everything i eat for over 421 days according to MyfitnessPal and i dont see me stopping until i get to my ideal body which is ???? to be honest i like your thinking around i dont have anything to prove to anyone not even myself i lost 120+ pounds so far which is stupidly good but i want to add more muscle which i need to cut down more to look more fat.
Your weight would scare me haha i dont ever want to get below 165 pounds i would love to be a 200 pound guy with decent muscle mass but again this is numbers that i could care less about. so long as its not over 100kg im happy to be 100% honest.

Letting go feels amazing, i often do this with sweet stuff my friend made some Vegan protein choc balls he made 48 of them to last him 2-3 weeks i ate them all haha... oops but i was full and felt amazing.

You have inspired me to stop overthinking, stop obsessing on what others think or do. follow what "I" Want and what.

[AdamWW]

My main issue is i think about food alot like 60% of my time, im not always hungry but i just keep doing thinking how i can add more protein or add more fats ect... i have been tracking everything i eat for over 421 days according to MyfitnessPal and i dont see me stopping until i get to my ideal body which is ???? to be honest i like your thinking around i dont have anything to prove to anyone not even myself i lost 120+ pounds so far which is stupidly good but i want to add more muscle which i need to cut down more to look more fat.
Your weight would scare me haha i dont ever want to get below 165 pounds i would love to be a 200 pound guy with decent muscle mass but again this is numbers that i could care less about. so long as its not over 100kg im happy to be 100% honest.

Letting go feels amazing, i often do this with sweet stuff my friend made some Vegan protein choc balls he made 48 of them to last him 2-3 weeks i ate them all haha... oops but i was full and felt amazing.

You have inspired me to stop overthinking, stop obsessing on what others think or do. follow what "I" Want and what.

You sounds so much like me in the tracking sense, and I have some advice that might help you if ditching the dependency is something you're looking for:

Stop tracking for 1 day, or 2, or a week, and then AFTER THE FACT, go back and add in a day's food. That was honestly THE BEST thing I ever did to overcome the desire to tracking.

Here's the thing: there is NOTHING wrong with tracking at all. It's kind of like weighing yourself... consider this... even if you don't weigh yourself, you still weigh exactly the same as if you did. Just let that concept sink in for a second. If you don't know how much you weigh, you still weigh the same. The SAME THING goes for nutrition/calories/macros. Even if you don't track, you're still consuming the macros, the calories, everything...

The reason I (and I think, most people), get SO OBSESSED with tracking that is starts entering their every waking moment is because it offers such an easy distraction from the rest of your life. You can easily become a MASTER of tracking. But, so what? it's not an accomplishment... if I gave a 15year old myfitnesspal, they could do everything I'm doing. It's not impressive that I have control over my food, it's just disordered...it's dumb... it doesn't matter at all.

Furthermore, I am willing to bet after SO MUCH TIME tracking your food you already know what you eat WITHOUT ever writing it down.

I decided a while back that I'd basically not track ANYTHING until the entire day was over, and you know what happened? I ate just what I wanted, while still using the general knowledge I have about foods to guide my choices, and I ended up eating within 5-10% of exactly how many calories I figured I would... that proved to me that, even with ZERO control or assistence from the stupid app, that I had control without even trying... I don't need a damn app to follow me around all day... I have more important stuff to do, and if after over a decade of tracking (Yes, I have been in this tracking/control crap for that long) I cannot estimate without any effort what I should be eating... than i'm a freakin idiot.

Seriously... think about it... you've been tracking for THAT long... I think you've gathered enough knowledge in that time to ditch the habit and just let it go. I know I have.

Again, tracking isn't bad... it's only when it comes to mind so much that it becomes a problem.

I track NOTHING right now... nothing at all.. and you know what I've learned? After all these years of obsession, I am WAY smarter about food and consumption and my own needs than I gave myself credit for. Now I feel truly in control, not the freakin app... not my ED... and I don't have to think about how much fat or protein or carbs I eat... because if I eat too much fat, I know it makes me feel a certain way: I stop craving fat. If I eat too many carbs: I stop craving carbs.... it's that simple...

I really think you should test it out man... you might find that, just going 1-2 days without doing it and then reflecting on your NATURAL tendencies, you're WAY better at eating intuitively to your needs than you actually think. It's been such a freeing experience for me... honestly like being born again.