Anxiety, depression and low self esteem

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I'm 22 and still living at my dad's and I really hate him. My sister is psycho and keeps hating me for no reason saying I'm just like him even though I've always tried to do right by her. I'm working at a business my dad owns and I feel incapable of holding down another job because of my anxiety or do much else like move out.

I'm still a virgin and its hard now to even talk to people. I was in a long distance relationship for a year where the girl cheated on me multiple times and then dumped me when we were close to me flying over to see her. I could have still flown to see her because she wanted me but not the relationship but I sabotaged it because I was so mad at her, starting to wonder if I should have stuck it out just to lose v.

Honestly it's getting harder and harder to keep going, I have absolutely nothing going for me except I've saved up a decent chunk of money. I have no social life whatsoever and no friends. Lately I just really hate everyone I come into contact with.

I want to start making money off of music but I can't finish a song, I have dozens of half finished songs, tons of scraps of lyrics and music I've produced. This part probably hurts the most because I'm not living up to my potential. On top of that I feel even if I made enough music and got out there no one would accept my "image".

I'm getting in shape and have lost 30 pounds so far, seen doctors and they've gave me meds which don't do anything. How do I carry on without blowing my brains out? I seriously feel worthless to society and as a potential mate.

Tried to keep this short but there's a lot more I could go into. Also don't worry I've never gotten suicidal, I fall into self destruction and patterns of complete apathy though. I know I'm going to end up homeless if I move out and try to stand on my own feet, even my sister said it, my brain is just too ****ed.

[bgmscl]

Its not the final solution, but maybe getting away from the negativity will help you put things in perspective. I am sure your behavior contributes, but the entire thing seems to be very dysfunctional. You contribute just by being 22 and not making any move to get out and stand on your own two feet. Regardless of how good you are to people, that will always cause them to have a negative impression of you.

As of now you are behaving like a self-entitled brat. One sentence in your post tells the entire story: "I'm working at a business MY DAD OWNS." You are not working at a business your dad owns, you are working a business that your dad created in order to support YOU and provide YOU with a livelyhood. That deserves your respect and admiration. What ever negative image he has of you is likely entirely due to your being 22 and not taking any ownership of it, or any initiative to take responsibility for yourself.

Take that money you have saved and go get your own place. Right now. You can still work with your dad. You could even try taking some interest in the livelihood he has provided you. Likely your relationship with him will improve. The stress of living and working together will be removed, there will be less conflict between the two of you, and you might even begin to earn his respect. Create a respectful distance, take stock in what he has created for you and stop taking it for granted.

Sorry to say, but your sister sounds like quite the little brat b****. If she has nothing positive to add to your life then there is no reason for her to be in it. The sooner you get away from that kind of negativity the better off you will be. It is very hard to maintain a sense of self worth when someone is constantly trying to tear you down. If she has nothing constructive to add you may as well cut her out of the picture. But i have a feeling that as you begin to take responsibility for yourself, and take some command of your own life and resources that have been given to you, then her criticisms will be silenced.

The sooner you get this family and living situation sorted out and the sooner you man up, the sooner you will on the way to being more balanced. Get out of there and give yourself some room to be yourself. Your confidence will increase, and your anxiety will lessen, just by making this single move. Think about all the other stuff later, all of that will come with the improvements in your mental state that are sure to happen once you take charge and contribute something to your own life.

It also sounds like you are sitting around on top of this dream of being a musician. It is great to have dreams and goals, and you should never give up on it. Realize though that at this moment your first goal must be to gain some independence and provide yourself a livelihood, which it seems your dad has already given you if you would pull your head out of your ass and take interest in it. Very few have the privileged of just deciding to be a musician or artist. It is a luxury profession, and even a hobby for many, and you are going to have to work hard for it, maintaining a living while working on it in your off time. If your dream is to sit home until you make it with your music you are fooling yourself. This world doesn't work that way, not unless you were born into the mickey mouse club.

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As of now you are behaving like a self-entitled brat. One sentence in your post tells the entire story: "I'm working at a business MY DAD OWNS." You are not working at a business your dad owns, you are working a business that your dad created in order to support YOU and provide YOU with a livelyhood. That deserves your respect and admiration. What ever negative image he has of you is likely entirely due to your being 22 and not taking any ownership of it, or any initiative to take responsibility for yourself.

Take that money you have saved and go get your own place. Right now. You can still work with your dad. You could even try taking some interest in the livelihood he has provided you. Likely your relationship with him will improve. The stress of living and working together will be removed, there will be less conflict between the two of you, and you might even begin to earn his respect. Create a respectful distance, take stock in what he has created for you and stop taking it for granted.

Oh dear, I should have gone into more detail. My dad bought this small shop with inheritance he got off his mum. We moved here (although none of us wanted to and it was his idea) left behind school and friends etc. and he ended up leaving my mum doing all the work until she died (she had epilepsy and stress makes it worse). When she died I started helping out because he was a wreck even though I hated him, I ended up getting stuck here because of my mental illness. At the start I was working way more than him and if I had never helped then God knows what would have happened to his business. He pays me minimum wage and honestly if I told you personal stuff about him your skin would crawl. So I'm good without his respect or a relationship with him.

I don't take anything for granted, I'm very glad to have a roof over my head, even if it's provided by a monster.

The problem is if my mental state doesn't suddenly improve when I move out then I will be homeless, so your opinion is I should risk it?

P.s. he's selling the business and moving to my step mums country (he remarried a few months after my mums death). There will be no inheritance or anything, he's using it all to live off, he was never interested in building ****, he just wanted passive income without doing any work.

If anyone has tips for passing a driving test with social and generalised anxiety it would really help. Sitting in a car with random strangers judging me isn't great in my situation. Can't get anywhere without driving in this area.

About the music, I'm realising your right on that, thanks for the response.

Also I pay £300 a month to stay here.

[CRAT0S]

Come on, you're 22. You need to start acting like it.

If you have serious mental health issues, go see a professional. Likely no one on this site that is qualified to answer your health related issues.

If the health is just a cop-out, take the money you have saved and move to an area where there is public transportation and work on growing the f*** up. My 19 year old son moved 6+ hours away from me and all the rest of his family to a new city in a new state. He didn't know anyone and he had less than $500 saved; and only had a moped for transportation. He started off renting a room from someone then managed to obtain a job, his first apartment, and buy car within a year. He did not call me for money during this time.

Life is not easy. If anyone told you it was, you lied. By your story, you should know that. To be a man, an ADULT, you have to suck it up and do things you don't want to do. Most importantly, you have to take responsibility for yourself.

All that said, IF YOU HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES SEEK HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL.

[bgmscl]

Ask yourself this. Is your mental state improving being where you are and doing what you are doing right now? Is it getting worse?

How do you know you have generalized anxiety disorder when you have been stuck in the same situation for years with no social life? How can you generalize your anxiety if the only experience you have with life is staying in the same place with people you dislike? Everything you say points to it being caused by the situation you are in. You are in a negative feedback loop.

You sound like you are afraid to cut the cord even though it is strangling you. Your dads shop is not the only job in the world. If you hate your dad and your life there with him and your sister, then it stands to reason that getting away from it will give you some relief. Maybe you wont suddenly be 100% but i guarantee a change surely wont hurt you.

I accept it when you say your dad is a monster and had no goal of providing for you, that is all the more reason to get far away. You shouldnt be asking is it worth the risk leaving, you should be asking is it worth the risk staying. It doesn't seem like that situation is going to change, so the only thing you can change is your participation in it. It probably wont be easy, but it will get easier as you get some wind in your sails. Think about it, plan it out, and if you can afford to rent a place with the money you have saved do it asap. One thing is for sure, you wont get any better staying where you are.

Good luck.

[Melis689]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Have you considered therapy? It's definitely worth considering as I know a lot of people who have suffered with awful depression have benefited from it. Keep working towards your goals and throw yourself into working out. Sometimes the gym is my "escape" whenever I feel like I want a break.

[marionimal]

I have a feeling your life would be much better off if you moved out since a lot of factors at home trigger your anxiety. Sorry about that, dude. Having anxiety and dealing with that on a daily basis, it really is the pits. I should know as I've had panic disorder but therapy has helped. I am sure it will be of some help to you too.

[Warbourne]

Well for one BB isn't a self help forum and you should probably talk to a doctor who is qualified to diagnose your troubles and help you find solutions.

But with that being said, you are 22. I've lived with and battled depression for most of my life. I was suicidal at the age of 21. I took pills. I slashed my arm with a kitchen knife. I'd do crazy things in my car, hoping I'd lose control and die. For a while, I was drinking every day.

Then I was visited by a nurse for an annual check up or something because I was still living with my mom. She asked me if I had any thoughts or feelings of wanting to die and when I told her I did, she told me I was too young to kill myself. And when I met my friends, they're like, "Well think of all the time it took to turn 20. You have all of that time to change your life and achieve your goals".

And honestly being a virgin is not that bad. Some idiot will probably post here that virgins are horrible at sex or whatever but man almost no one was good their first time. Hell, a lot of guys can't even find or don't know what to do with the clitoris. When people make fun of someone for being a virgin, it's not because they haven't had sex and just having sex won't make you feel like less of a virgin if it was unsatisfying.

You'll stick it in and you'll be like "wow. that was sex?" don't worry about being a virgin. it's really not important.

If there is something you want to do, just go and do it. If you want friends, you need to find out who you are and go do what you enjoy. You'll meet them doing whatever you're doing.

[OPGenesis]

Come on, you're 22. You need to start acting like it.

If you have serious mental health issues, go see a professional. Likely no one on this site that is qualified to answer your health related issues.

If the health is just a cop-out, take the money you have saved and move to an area where there is public transportation and work on growing the f*** up. My 19 year old son moved 6+ hours away from me and all the rest of his family to a new city in a new state. He didn't know anyone and he had less than $500 saved; and only had a moped for transportation. He started off renting a room from someone then managed to obtain a job, his first apartment, and buy car within a year. He did not call me for money during this time.

Life is not easy. If anyone told you it was, you lied. By your story, you should know that. To be a man, an ADULT, you have to suck it up and do things you don't want to do. Most importantly, you have to take responsibility for yourself.

All that said, IF YOU HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES SEEK HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL.

I always question stories like these. They could be true, but extremely improbable.

Anyways, I don't really think this comparison game is a good idea; everybody's situation is different.

[CRAT0S]

Genesis, story is very real. He's 21 now, in fact his 19 year old brother is about to move down there too.

I have 4 sons and have been very clear to all of them that if they are not full time students, they are to be on their own within 6 months of leaving school.

That doesn't mean I won't be there for them or even let them come back home (for a short while), just that they need to act like an adult.

I do recognize people are different, just have a low BS tolerance.

Anyway, if you need therapy, get it.