Me vs. Me: Lifting with UCTD

[SophieM]

It was more like day 1 and day 2, but whatever. I was too tired to go to the gym yesterday after work, so tried to get in two workouts today. It wasn't quite two full workouts, but close enough. I'll try to get in everything else at home after work Saturday. Considering I work both jobs on Friday, not sure how well it will go, but I can at least plan for it.

Belt Squats - Quads are so weak. Really hoping these improve my pathetic back squat.

45 lbs - 5
45 lbs - 5
45 lbs - 5
45 lbs - 5
45 lbs - 5
45 lbs - 5

Bench Press - Not much to say here.

45 lbs - 5
55 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
75 lbs - 1 (not a max)

Incline Bench Press - Not as shaky as usual for some reason.

45 lbs - 5
45 lbs - 5
45 lbs - 5

Deadlift - Tried to go heavier today just to see how it went. It was okay considering how horrible 135 lbs felt last week.

135 lbs - 5
145 lbs - 3
155 lbs - 2
165 lbs - 1

Cable Triceps Extension - Definitely gotten weaker at these.

25 lbs - 5
25 lbs - 5

Facepulls - These felt okay.

20 lbs - 5
20 lbs - 5

Lat Pulldown - Didin't feel as heavy as I was expecting.

70 lbs - 5
70 lbs - 5

DB Rows - Always a work in progress.

25 lbs - 8
25 lbs - 8

Internal/External Rotation

10 lbs - 8
10 lbs - 8

And that was it. Like I said, I'm hoping to do the rest, or at least some more, on Saturday. If I'm awake enough after work I might just try to head straight to the basement and lift versus sleeping and then trying to lift. We'll just have to see how exhausted I am.

On the depression side of things, I had a pretty rough week. I had counseling today, and also emailed my primary doctor. My primary doctor responded that my self awareness is "awesome." Considering I've been in counseling on/off since I was around 6 or so, on and off antidepressants since I was 14, hospitalized for anorexia, and been to intensive outpatient therapy for PTSD, I would hope my self awareness would be awesome I just wish I could do something more than just be aware that my thoughts are harmful, like actually take care of myself! In time I suppose.

[thehobbes]

Solid workout up there! Keep the good stuff going.

[SophieM]

Just checking in. Sorry I'm MIA in everyone's journals. Just really struggling mentally over here.

I might be the worst I've ever been psychologically. After my last counseling session, I feel like I need a counselor to help me deal with what my counselor said/did. I'm canceling the rest of my sessions with him and going to try to get in with a coworkers counselor instead. If that counselor isn't accepting new patients, I'll probably just go it alone. Alone is better than experiencing what I did at my last session.

I have gotten in one workout since I last posted. It was another marathon session. I might be able to get in a workout tomorrow and if i do, I'll post both of them. If not I"ll at least try to post the one I did on Thursday. I just don't feel up to it right now.

[Fiction2Fitness]

I don't have much to offer but an e-hug.

Take care of you.

[thehobbes]

I don't have much to offer but an e-hug.

Take care of you.

x2 It WILL get better Sophie, srs, it will. And for the record there are soooo many crappy doctors in all areas. Definitely find one you like that will do what you need.

[tina722]

^^^Yep, lots of hugs. There's gotta be some way to report the counselor - that sounds terrible. Sorry you have to deal with all this.

[Partyrocking]

I'm sorry things are so rough. Hope you find an infinitely better counselor.

[anandagirl]

(((hugs)))

[SophieM]

You are all so awesome. Thank you!

I don't have much to offer but an e-hug.

Take care of you.

I'm trying to take care of me. Most days I'm not doing so well and it doesn't look like I'm trying. One day at a time.

x2 It WILL get better Sophie, srs, it will. And for the record there are soooo many crappy doctors in all areas. Definitely find one you like that will do what you need.

I did end up canceling all my future sessions and actually have a session with the new counselor today.

^^^Yep, lots of hugs. There's gotta be some way to report the counselor - that sounds terrible. Sorry you have to deal with all this.

It probably wasn't as horrible as I made it sound. I think part of it is that he seems to have this nervous laugh. Sometimes the laugh just came out at very inappropriate times. I literally spent almost the entire session crying silently and was never asked why I was crying. It just wasn't very helpful at all and was just making me feel worse.

I'm sorry things are so rough. Hope you find an infinitely better counselor.

Me too! But I'm honestly to the point where I'm not even sure I'll ever "get over it." Maybe I'll coast for a while like I apparently had been doing for the past few years, but here I am again.

(((hugs)))

Thanks!

~~~~~~

After finally get 8 hours of sleep, with the help of a sleeping pill, I actually have energy this morning. The sleep is strange enough, but having energy, especially this early, is practically unheard of for me. Just a little life update.

Depression - I've been on/off antidepressants since I was 14. This is nothing new. It just presented itself rather differently. Instead of thinking about suicide almost 24/7, I have lost all motivation. I don't want to even get out of bed, let alone cook, eat, shower, clean, etc. I have definitely lost weight, and if I was more active and not spending so much of my free time sitting at the computer or sleeping, I'm sure I would have lost a lot more.

PTSD - And the depression's presentation plays very "nicely" into the PTSD. Long story short, I was beaten/raped for eating and showering (among other things) if I hadn't "earned" them. So, no motivation to do anything, not only means no motivation to cook, eat, shower, etc., but also that I have done nothing to "earn" them.

Well aware that it makes no logical sense. The flashbacks and nightmares are back, though not as bad as they have been in the past. That may be because I am just not eating, showering, etc. unless I do something that "earns" them. So yes, I go some days without eating much of anything because I am too unmotivated thanks to the depression to "earn" food. I won't even get in to how many times I've showered this year.

House - All that is left to do to the house is sheet rock over the fire wall. The contractor was supposed to come on this past Tuesday but ended up with pneumonia so I don't know when he'll come. I'll give him another week to recover and then send him a text and ask. The city is meeting on February 1st and then I should be able to get the deeds filed and finally get the house I'm selling an occupancy permit and then inspected. Phew. What a long process!

Those are the "highlights" I suppose. As I said, I have a session with the new counselor today and am hitting the gym beforehand. I swear I'll come back and update with last week's workout as well as today's. I'm actually off all day today, so should have the time. It's the motivation I don't know if I'll have.

[Artemis00]

I'm really sorry about everything that is going on in your life and to lose a pet as well...that is so hard. Hopefully everything turns around in some way. And that sucks about the counselor...curious how some get into that line of work when they clearly don't belong in that field. Then again, I've read somethings online regarding a few that go that direction in an effort to better hide their own issues. Doesn't make do for good counseling. Hopefully the new one will be much better.

[SophieM]

I'm really sorry about everything that is going on in your life and to lose a pet as well...that is so hard. Hopefully everything turns around in some way. And that sucks about the counselor...curious how some get into that line of work when they clearly don't belong in that field. Then again, I've read somethings online regarding a few that go that direction in an effort to better hide their own issues. Doesn't make do for good counseling. Hopefully the new one will be much better.

Thanks. I'm sure things will eventually turn around. They have to at some point. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

The new counselor was WORLDS better than my last one. Definitely one of the best I've been to, and I've been to quite a few. She really seemed to "get it." She thinks someone who specializes in trauma could serve me better though. I told her I'd think about it. She made it clear she wasn't "kicking me out" but thinks I'd make progress faster with a specialist. She gave me the information of someone she knows. I'll see what I can find on Google and go from there. Not sure if I'm up to starting over 3 times in 2 months. It's exhausting.

[SophieM]

January 25 - Not even going to pretend I know what order I did this in. It was another marathon session (took about 70 minutes) with the though I'd do the rest at home last week. It just never happened.

Belt Squats - The tiredness. I'll definitely be feeling it.

65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5

Bench Press - Trying to see where I am without coming close to a max.

55 lbs - 5
55 lbs - 5
60 lbs - 5
60 lbs - 5
60 lbs - 5

Incline Bench Press - Decided to push these a little also.

50 lbs - 6
50 lbs - 6
50 lbs - 6

Deadlift - Pathetic. My quads were DONE from belt squats though.

135 lbs - 3
135 lbs - 3
135 lbs - 2

Cable triceps Pushdown - Rope attachment

20 lbs - 8
20 lbs - 8

Shoulders
Seated Military Press
15 lbs - 8
15 lbs - 8

Upright Row
15 lbs - 8
15 lbs - 8

Rotator Cuff - I can tell it's been a while.

10 lbs - 10
10 lbs - 10

Facepulls - Still trying to find a good weight for these.

20 lbs - 10
20 lbs - 10

Seated Cable Row - Used a rather strange attachment. I was not a fan.

70 lbs - 6
70 lbs - 6

Lat Pulldown - I do love this exercise.

70 lbs - 8
70 lbs - 8

Did some quick foam rolling but no stretching.

~~~~~~

January 30 - For the record, my quads were sore after the 5x5 of belt squats last week. They may have still been a little tired today too, considering how belt squats went.

Deadlift - Strange. I don't know if they were so much easier because my quads were fried or because of the bumper plates. The bumper plates don't make that big of a start height difference though. Interesting.

135 lbs - 5
135 lbs - 5
135 lbs - 5
135 lbs - 5
135 lbs - 5

Incline Bench Press - I planned to do sets of 8 at 50 lbs, but after loading the bar realized it was the 50 lbs bar. Oops!

55 lbs - 6
55 lbs - 6
55 lbs - 6

Facepulls - This seemed to be a good weight. I'll increase the reps next time.

25 lbs - 8
25 lbs - 8
25 lbs - 8

DB Row - I just cannot get a good mind/muscle connection with these. I think I'll take them out and put in seated cable row instead.

30 lbs - 8
30 lbs - 8

Lat Pulldown - Felt heavier than last week.

70 lbs - 6
70 lbs - 6
70 lbs - 6

Belt Squats - No where near as good as last week. Quads were already tired. From deadlifts maybe?

65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5

Obliques
Side Bends
20 lbs - 10
20 lbs - 10

Twists
20 lbs - 10
20 lbs - 10

I had some time to kill so spent a good while foam rolling and stretching. My quads were already sore from the belt squats. LOL.

My hope is to lift at home before I nap for work tomorrow. Part of this is going to depend on what time i wake up in the morning and how well I sleep. Less about how well I sleep and more about what time I wake up. It did feel so good to workout though!

[Partyrocking]

Glad to hear the new counselor was good.

Solid lifting.

[tina722]

New counselor sounds great. She might be willing to help with the transition, if you decided to see a specialist.

Nice lifting - marathon session is correct!

[SophieM]

Glad to hear the new counselor was good.

Solid lifting.

Thanks!

New counselor sounds great. She might be willing to help with the transition, if you decided to see a specialist.

Nice lifting - marathon session is correct!

It doesn't look like the specialist accepts my insurance. No way I can pay out of pocket at around $150 a session.

Sometimes marathon sessions are my only option. I don't mind them. Besides, they never include much legs so that makes them infinitely better

[SophieM]

What? A second workout? What is happening to me?!?

I seriously had to FORCE myself out of bed and then FORCE myself down to the basement to lift. I sleep like crap without a sleeping pill, only sleeping for 2-4 hours at a time, then being wide awake. I'd gotten up around 3 am and then went back to bed somewhere around 7 am. Then got up at 10 am, very reluctantly. And now it's almost time to go back to bed as I work tonight.

Bench Press - Pleasantly surprised with how these went. I thought I'd be too fatigued from incline yesterday.

60 lbs - 5
60 lbs - 5
60 lbs - 5
60 lbs - 5
60 lbs - 5

Squat - Not really doing these for weight, more so just to gauge how my progress with form is. It might be getting slightly better. My quads are fatigued though so I'm sure my back takes over more than it would if my quads were fresh. Maybe one week my home workout will fall before a belt squat day, not the following day, and I can see how I do fresh.

55 lbs - 3
55 lbs - 3
55 lbs - 3

Step Ups - Not much to say about these.

BW - 6
BW - 6

GHR - Since moving the GHR to the basement, I haven't used it. If I was much taller, I'd hit my head on the duct system doing these. Glad I'm short! Worst case I'd just move it over a little.

BW - 6
BW - 6

Bulgarian Split Squats - I might be getting the hang of these.

BW - 6
BW - 6

Plank - Considering how long it's been since I did these, I surprised myself.

BW - 30 seconds
BW - 30 seconds

And I forgot to foam roll and stretch I had originally "wanted" to do cardio on the bike trainer, but definitely didn't have enough time. Maybe if I'm feeling energetic on Friday after work at the gym I'll get in some cardio then. If I plan on making it to the top of all these mountains/volcanoes on my March cruise, I need to start doing some cardio!

[SophieM]

As much as I did NOT want to go to the gym after work, I got it done. I slept horribly before work yesterday, waking up about every two hours. Even after the workout this morning, I only slept for two hours before waking up again. It's miserable. I'm exhausted. I just can't seem to sleep.

I am not a morning workout person, and that extends to workouts after I've been up for 14+ hours overnight apparently. I might have to figure out another way to get in everything that doesn't require lifting after work. I'm not sure how that would happen. I'll have to look at my schedule every week and see what i can do.

DB Bench Press - My first exercise was already showing me that this workout was going to be awful LOL.

25 lbs - 6
25 lbs - 6
25 lbs - 6

Shoulders - Really feel like tihs shuold have been this heavy.
BB Military Press
45 lbs - 5
45 lbs - 3 (LOL)

BB Upright Row
45 lbs - 4
45 lbs - 4

Cable Triceps Extension - Definitely harder than last week.

25 lbs - 5
25 lbs - 5

Rotator Cuff
10 lbs - 10
10 lbs - 10

Belt Squats - Better than Tuesday. Maybe quads are getting used to it?

65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5

Abs
Vertical Knee Raises
10
10

Trap Bar Deadlift - Could tell my quads were tired. Guess it's good to know I'm actually using them to initiate the pull.

135 lbs - 5
135 lbs - 5
135 lbs - 5

Spent some time foam rolling. Didn't feel like stretching. Just wanted to get home and in bed. I'm heading back to bed now actually. Hoping to get in some more sleep and will probably take a sleeping pill tonight. 16 hour shift tomorrow.

[thehobbes]

Great to see a bunch of workouts in here, good job! I hope those are giving you some stress relief and leading you to a more positive place.

[SophieM]

Great to see a bunch of workouts in here, good job! I hope those are giving you some stress relief and leading you to a more positive place.

They're helpful in the moment, and maybe even for that day. But when I have a full day off and am left with my thoughts, there are definitely problems. If I wasn't so depressed and could get motivated on my days off, things wouldn't be so bad I don't think.

[SophieM]

Got to the gym after my counseling session. Session did NOT go as planned so the lifting was vital to me not going home and being self destructive.

Deadlift - It must have been the belt squats making deadlifts difficult. Used the metal plates this time around and still no where near as difficult as they were a couple weeks ago.

140 lbs - 5
140 lbs - 5
140 lbs - 5
140 lbs - 5
140 lbs - 5

Facepulls - Should not have increased the weight so soon. Oh well.

30 lbs - 6
30 lbs - 6

Seated Cable Row - Used the usual handle this time. Still difficult.

70 lbs - 6
70 lbs - 6

Lat Pulldown - I was determined to do more, not less, reps than last time.

70 lbs - 7
70 lbs - 7

Incline Bench Press - Think I was just tired by this point. I hardly ate/drank anything yesterday so was basically running on empty.

55 lbs - 5
55 lbs - 5
55 lbs - 5

Belt Squats - I think I'm making progress on these! Once I get both days of 5x5 at a given weight, I'll increase it.

65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5
65 lbs - 5

Obliques - Didn't realized I'd used the 20's last week. No wonder it felt heavy!
Side Bends
25 lbs - 12
25 lbs - 12

Twists
25 lbs - 12
25 lbs - 12

Foam rolling and stretching.

Long story short on the counseling session, she doesn't think she's the right fit for me because of my extensive trauma background/issues. She wants me to see a trauma specialist. I have names/numbers of people she knows and thinks would be a good fit. She even called and left a message for someone while i was there. If that person doesn't get back to her, I have no plans to call anyone. I can't start over again right now. It's too exhausting. So yup, apparently I'm too broken and messed up to see a regular counselor.

[thehobbes]

Good job on that marathon workout! Sorry to hear you're getting the run around trying to find a counselor. I'm not a medical person whatsoever but sounds like you could use a pizza, some beer, and a hug, srs. Medical people are boring, you need to acquire a pizza pal.

[SophieM]

Good job on that marathon workout! Sorry to hear you're getting the run around trying to find a counselor. I'm not a medical person whatsoever but sounds like you could use a pizza, some beer, and a hug, srs. Medical people are boring, you need to acquire a pizza pal.

Thanks. I do have an appointment with a trauma specialist next week. Dreading starting over with yet another person. Seriously the third person in probably 4-5 weeks I've shared my "short" bio with. Just so exhausting.

~~~~~~

I've had a rough week since Monday. Rough is kind of an understand but it will have to do. No other workouts were done. I've hardly been eating/drinking. It's just been a really bad week. At least I work the next few days. That always helps.

[anandagirl]

more (((HUGS))) try to be kind to yourself xoxox

[tina722]

Agree - lots of hugs and good thoughts, I'm sorry it's working out like this, but glad you got the appointment.

[SophieM]

Just popping in to say I'm still here. Had another long (1.5 hour) workout today. Not up to typing it out. First time I've lifted since February 5th. I'll get around to typing it out over the weekend.

I've seen the trauma therapist twice now. I think she gets it. We'll see what, if anything, she can do to help me.

Still reading everyone's journal. I just don't have the energy to do much replying right now. Sorry.

[thehobbes]

Hi Sophie!

[anandagirl]

[SophieM]

Goodness, has it really been that long since I've been away? If you're friends with me on FB you know that I'm really struggling lately. I don't want to go in to detail here, but suffice it to say that people are really worried about me.

I got in a very short workout today. Just military press (35 lbs), deadlift (135 lbs), bench press (55 lbs), and squats (35 lbs). 2 sets of 5 of military press and 3x3 of the rest. Squats are definitely a work in progress to not lead with my butt. Trying to stay at a super light weight until I can figure out how to do that. Eh.

[thehobbes]

That's good you got in a lifting session. Ah squats, just imagine you're a huge chicken laying an even huger egg and you don't want it to hit you in the ankle.

Be strong, friend, I hope good times are ahead for you!

[anandagirl]

<3 <3 <3 Take care of yourself xoxoxo