Hi.
I'm in poor shape, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically. I'm 46. I have three children, one is grown and in college, the other two live with their mother. I spent over 20 years in the military in a combat arms MOS. I invaded the same country twice in my life. I had an uncommon career. But I was forcibly retired last year. I was unable to prepare for the separation board because I was also going through a divorce, which saddled me with attorney's fees, (hers and mine), spousal and child support, so that even though I was a senior NCO with over 20 years of service, I couldnt afford an appartment, much less my own lawyer. I trusted the wrong NCO to help me with my separation board packet, and got destroyed by the board, their decision was un appealable - even so I called in every favor with every G.O. I knew. But there was no undoing what had been decided. When you're studying family law to be your own lawyer, fighting a case hours away from where you live and work, struggling to keep a relationship with your kids, as well as all the baggage from years of deployments and combat, **** just starts to go south in a big way. It's a struggle not to end up like the other 22 vets that off themselves every day.
The whole thing is killing me.
But **** you, I'm not ready to die yet, not today, not like this, not on a low.
It's to the point that the only thing I have some control over is my body. However, I'm fat. 32% fat. My cholesterol is well over 200 and triglycerides are off the charts. I have borderline high blood pressure, it was always low before. My RHR is 72 bpm. I always could gain muscle without much effort at all. I'm 6'1" 263lbs. I wear my obesity well because I'm slightly tall. I've been single since the divorce began in 2013. At my age, nearly all of my friends are married. My personaity is the ESTP type, I'm a performer, a doer, an *******, with few friends, supremely competitive, and usually 5 pages ahead of everyone else. Except now.
I don't believe in motivation.
I believe in vision. Vision of "to be" is the only thing that ever propelled a man to put one foot in front of the other towards a lofty goal. Motivation is rah rah, popcorn, candy bubblegum bs. Motivation is a flash in the pan. Good for the first week or two of January.
My goal is to get smaller, to prepare my body for the rest of its life. I've been a large - either muscular or fat - human being for nearly all of my adult life. Having an overabundance of muscle sucks. All you little guys out there wishing to be big can have it, and all the ****ty health downsides too.
At 45, my Dr. informed me that I had stage 2 CKD, that's chronic kidney disease. She told me to cut way back on the protein, to eat more carbs, more grains, more pasta, more cereal. I think she's fkd. But now I have a human body chinese puzzle that wont respond to the nutrition and work outs in my bag of tricks, I have to be careful with muscle soreness, because that gives the kidney a hell of a hard time too.
I need to lose fat, about 70lbs of it, and do it while eating .5 grams of protein per desired lbs of muscle, or less, because otherwise it'll jack up my kidneys. Maybe after I get free of the fat, my kidney function will recover somewhat? I had planned to eat 60 grams of carbs and 89 grams of protein per day, fasting every other day for dinner. But with the CKD, I don't know what to do.
I am not interested in gaining more muscle, because it's a liability to my health.
I rarely drink alcohol, I enjoy a cigar or two a month, I hate beer, I like great red wine, I don't drink the cheap **** when I do drink: A Central Coast Pinot Noir is my fave.
I had shoulder surgery this year to give me more range of motion in the joint. That was a success. One down, one to go.
Maybe I dont know how best to tackle this challenge? Do I go vegan and long slow low intensity cardio for hours on end? Do I say, to hell with it, and pick up the weights? What do I eat?
Baffled and pissed.
LS69.
Bookmarks